I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm currently not strung out but white-knuckling emptiness and depression consume me. I've had 5 years straight clean and sober about 10 years ago but I ran into some medical stuff and started with scripts and that was the end of recovery.
I feel just hopeless. If I'm anywhere near opiates, I'll get them into my system as sure as the fuckin earth will spin. Doesn't matter the risk involved or the pain it will cause me and those around me. Even if it means someone who legitimately needs them will have to go without and be in pain from surgery. That's the depths of it. If it wasn't for addiction, I'd actually be a really good person.
I don't understand how people can do 12 step programs, even though I know and respect many that do, and I did it for 5 years. There doesn't seem to be anywhere else to go for recovery; I've tried all the other programs, like SMART, etc and nobody there is clean. NA is the only place I have ever seen people who are straight up dope fiends (at least some of them) stay clean from EVERYTHING. And that's what I want. I gotta do it all the way or nothing. But I haven't been able to get back. When I had my five years, I lived near a great NA community, I wasn't married and had no kids..I was able to focus solely on me and my recovery. Now I have a shitload of responsibilities and can hardly see myself sitting in a meeting, let alone trying to get recovery on Zoom.
I've wasted too much time and caused too much unnecessary pain. But I don't know where to turn. Maybe if I was rich I could afford a good addiction-minded therapist.
. God loves you.