TDS Random gibberish and being DARK

[deficiT]

I just wrote like a massive paragraph In this thread explaining my psychosis over 30 minutes and then deleted it on accident like an ass and now I'm so fucking pissed I have to paraphrase this because it was epic

Anyway I'm stuffingfacedrugs and spouting gibberish of random nature on the internet and being DARK;

Cause I'm just a poor bastard screaming on the webs saying whatever I think will make someone laugh because that's the only thing that makes me feel anything;

And fuck man I'm so pissed I deleted that shit wasted 30 minutes time on this keyboard explaining my desperate situation in long form and I'm paraphrasing and lost the essence of what I mean

But that's generally what happens to me because I cant help being DARK af and screaming and trying to get a rise out of anything and hating myself and stuffingfacedrugs and not sleeping and being catatonic or compulsive as thats my only true forms and I hate myself and im a bastard and I hope my mom dies soon

I don't even know that I can continue this since the essence has been lost and I fucked up again

So I'm gonna paraphrase and say I'm stuffing my face w/ drugs and screaming random gibberish on the internet and being DARK; as i am want to do

But everything I really wanted to communicate and feel has been lost

Because I deleted it and will never feel contentment

I should stop now before I delete this second draft like a big old dipshit

And I'll go back to stuffingfacedrugs spinning in circles and being catatonic and hating myself like I am want to do

And goddamnit I said so much

All gone

Probably no one would've finished because I'm bursting at the seams and saying too much and hating it all

Marriage on the rocks and I'm broke again

Death wish

Ghost in the corner

Bastard son of a dead alcoholic and a braindead absent mother whom I'd rather die

Surrounded by tragedy all my life that I can't explain and I'll never feel at home;

I got stood up by girl I met in rehab after trying to kill myself for the second time in six years

In love w/ high school girlfriend

Cant be content

So I'm stuffing my face w/ drugs; spouting random gibberish on the internet and being DARK af

As I'm want to do cause I cant stop being a clown

Getting a rise out of people is the only thing that makes me feel anything but I can never feel genuine connection

I'd rather be stood up by some random girl I just tried to run off w/ and hating my wife and my life again

Stuffing my face w/ drugs spouting random gibberish getting DARK af on the internet but losing the true essence of what I wanted to say because I deleted it like a dipshit after 30 minutes of work and nothing will ever be good cause I was born this way and I can't stop or feel anything and fucking up

stuffingfacedrugsrandomgibberishinternetbeingDARKaflosingtrueessenceof what I mean cause I cant feel anything so im stuffing my face w/ drugs spouting random gibberish on the internet

i tried; i failed; like usual; but this will have to do

 

[deficiT]

Oh yeah and then tomorrow I'll shut up and be miserable again and all should be right with the world and everyone should be generally happier but I'll still be miserable af getting DARK and trying too hard and not accomplishing anything

 

[JessFR]

Um *hugs*?

If it makes you feel better I once spent over an hour working on a bluelight post while on amphetamines, then another hour trying to cut it down to a manageable size, then finally throwing it out cause it was unreadable.

 

[Joey]

I know how you feel. I post stupid shit all the time all stimmed up. What you said about getting laughs, I understand that. I joke around too and laugh myself and it’s kind of a defence mechanism for the fact that I’m actually doing really poorly.

I was wondering what was up with you earlier Very out of character. Don’t give a fuck attitude. Little odd.

I feel the same way sometimes.

 

[deficiT]

I do that all the time on fb and shit and w/ everything in general

Just generally insecure and overthinking and giving up on it throwing it away because no one will get it and it's doubful I'll be content either way; cause even if I really get out what I want to say I'll hate it and regret it in five minutes

But I've been sitting in this duplex for days catatonic and doing too many drugs again; dont wanna do anything dont wanna move cant move or do anything but explode at the seams and being too much for myself and everyone and the only times i feel anything it freaks people out

I can only say nothing or everything

If people get it or understand I wont know either way and I'll probably be miserable and catatonic

Wish I could drink

Wish I could do dope

But I'm just spinning in circles endlessly doing that random gibberish thing and being dark

 

[deficiT]

I know how you feel. I post stupid shit all the time all stimmed up. What you said about getting laughs, I understand that. I joke around too and laugh myself and it’s kind of a defence mechanism for the fact that I’m actually doing really poorly.

I was wondering what was up with you earlier Very out of character. Don’t give a fuck attitude. Little odd.

I feel the same way sometimes.

You should see how I get when I drink; thats why I cant and havent since June but instead of overdoing stimulants again unable to move or speak or feel

It's good i'm able to spout random gibberish and get DARK w/o alcohol but I'd really like to drink get saucy and stop being so insecure

But hangovers and I'd be too much for everyone and scare people off like I'm want to do

FUCK

 

[deficiT]

Have tried benzos kratom stimulants all the major food groups nothing will touch this pain or make me feel right it sucks and i just wanna do dope again or drink but I can't


Also; bad dissociative near death experience was fun and of course freaked my wife out and was weird in general

two suicide attempts in six years;

nothing will kill me; I know i'm not invincible but feel that way; nothing fucking makes me feel anymore

4 months no booze 2 weeks no suboxone lost my insurance quit my job broke af in useless pain again delivering food after totaling another car;

Rehab was preferable

Psych ward was preferable

At least in the psych ward they pump me full of drugs and it'd be endless and I wouldn't have any choice in the matter because I'm a poor decision maker

And the only thing I can do is stuff my face w/ drugs and spout random gibberish on the interwebs and get DARK and freaking ppl out and hating myself more and more

Tis a stupid and permanent ailment I'm afflicted w/ and I'm fed up w/ it again and nothing will ever satisfy

Tried playing music

Tried writing

Nada emotion

This is all I can do

 

[mal3volent]

Stimulants make me feel dark as well. I had a few really bad experiences that scared me away from them and I've never really had the urge to go back.

You are safe here man, and there are people who hear you and understand you. Try to relax a little. It'll be ok.

 

[deficiT]

Stimulants make me feel dark as well. I had a few really bad experiences that scared me away from them and I've never really had the urge to go back.

You are safe here man, and there are people who hear you and understand you. Try to relax a little. It'll be ok.

I wish I could stop but I have little self control and a big fat dumpster head;

thank you for the support though i love you guys

 

[JessFR]

What you said about getting laughs, I understand that. I joke around too and laugh myself and it’s kind of a defence mechanism for the fact that I’m actually doing really poorly.

Yeah, if I'm honest I think I do it too in a similar kind of way.

 

[deficiT]

I'm serious I went into a sphiel about Bruce Wayne and Bane

but it was lost; like tears in the rain

And all I have to leave you w/ is this blade runner reference

 

[deficiT]

that actually rhymed and sounded tight and... HOLY SHIT ITS 5 AM WTF HAVE I BEEN DOING

 

[December Flower]

Yeah, if I'm honest I think I do it too in a similar kind of way.

Using (especially)affiliative humour in order to better cope, or forget one's own misery is a common practice in depression.
There is actually a term for this: "Sad Clown Paradox"

If you were to believe Nietzsche, then humour was the product of depression in the first place: "man alone suffers so excruciatingly in the world that he was compelled to invent laughter."

 

[Joey]

Have tried benzos kratom stimulants all the major food groups nothing will touch this pain or make me feel right it sucks and i just wanna do dope again or drink but I can't


Also; bad dissociative near death experience was fun and of course freaked my wife out and was weird in general

two suicide attempts in six years;

nothing will kill me; I know i'm not invincible but feel that way; nothing fucking makes me feel anymore

4 months no booze 2 weeks no suboxone lost my insurance quit my job broke af in useless pain again delivering food after totaling another car;

Rehab was preferable

Psych ward was preferable

At least in the psych ward they pump me full of drugs and it'd be endless and I wouldn't have any choice in the matter because I'm a poor decision maker

And the only thing I can do is stuff my face w/ drugs and spout random gibberish on the interwebs and get DARK and freaking ppl out and hating myself more and more

Tis a stupid and permanent ailment I'm afflicted w/ and I'm fed up w/ it again and nothing will ever satisfy

Tried playing music

Tried writing

Nada emotion

This is all I can do

What do play musically? What do you write about? Just curious.

I think we might be very similar people in a way. Ive been pretty well spouting off and dark for quite some time. Meth is a very dark drug to be on. There’s no excusing how screwed up it can make people.

I think it’s made me a much more vulnerable, but weirdly outspoken person and crazy is often much crazier now to boot.

I can smell and taste it right now. I’m a fucking sweaty animal laced with a chemical tinge at this moment. It’s so gross. Feel sick thinking about it.

 

[Joey]

Using (especially)affiliative humour in order to better cope, or forget one's own misery is a common practice in depression.
There is actually a term for this: "Sad Clown Paradox"

If you were to believe Nietzsche, then humour was the product of depression in the first place: "man alone suffers so excruciatingly in the world that he was compelled to invent laughter."

Comedians have an especially high rate of mental health problems and suicide.

 

[deficiT]

Using (especially)affiliative humour in order to better cope, or forget one's own misery is a common practice in depression.
There is actually a term for this: "Sad Clown Paradox"

If you were to believe Nietzsche, then humour was the product of depression in the first place: "man alone suffers so excruciatingly in the world that he was compelled to invent laughter."

Sad Clown Bad Jokes; Tears of a clown; common fodder for lots of lyrics themes over the year; Accurate for me

 

[deficiT]

What do play musically? What do you write about? Just curious.

I think we might be very similar people in a way. Ive been pretty well spouting off and dark for quite some time. Meth is a very dark drug to be on. There’s no excusing how screwed up it can make people.

I think it’s made me a much more vulnerable, but weirdly outspoken person and crazy is often much crazier now to boot.

I can smell and taste it right now. I’m a fucking sweaty animal laced with a chemical tinge at this moment. It’s so gross. Feel sick thinking about it.

I slap the bass; play the strings; and write cool songs

Got some lyrics in the blogs section called Porch Swing

Youtube - dogs of the hunt - 7; my most recent contribution; my lyrics; my songwriting; my melody; my hook + fat bass groove w/ the lead vocals of the last egomaniac I jammed w/ that only lasted 4 months before our personalities clashed because my shit is dank and he'd rather play in an 80s cover band

Trying to finish Porch Swing but havent been able to pick up any instrument in the weeks since Ive got out of rehab

Cant track but I've got distrokid distribution set up for a solo/collab project that I haven't really started
+ need a strong female lead vocal for last verse of Porch Swing to do it right

 

[deficiT]

I'm too emotional and not heavy enough cause feelings are bad and Iron Maiden is good; or something

This dude then promptly hit his girlfriend w/ a van and I called him out on fb and now the beef is complete

We clicked instantly and felt like best friends over four months; first time i've played any music in 7 years since playing bass w/ my brothers band = Midnight Sunrise = Progressive Metal

Before that I played mostly rhythym guitar in a super group my music teacher put together when I was in high school; we covered a lot of shit and did a lot of shows/ called the Immortals and I even performed at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. Covering comfortably numb + hitting those guitar solos + most electrifying goosebumps I've probably ever experienced

We opened for senses fail when I was 15 but I missed it because I got arrested behind a dumpster and wrassled a cop because I possessed tobacco

2 tobacco charges as kid = stupid

Wrassling cops = fun

Punching step teachers = fun

Beating up bullies + shit like that = fun

Vandalism = fun/ broke windows to the elementary school library and pushed all the bookshelfs over = big laughs

my rebellion and defiance as an adolescent = whole shit load of

enthusiam = died w/ my father



my motivation to pick up a pick or anything = non existent

Cant find a proper collaborator and it feels like I wont

Still can't really play and sing very well but I occasionally try

 

[deficiT]

But I still got shit to say and I think I say it cool and will resume writing sometime shortly as that comes most natural

 

[December Flower]

Sad Clown Bad Jokes; Tears of a clown; common fodder for lots of lyrics themes over the year; Accurate for me

In my experience it's the opposite. The sadder the clown, the better the jokes. Ofc they're pretty dark jokes usually.