to whom it may concern

[December Flower]

Greetings, Kellerkinder

While I am more on the purist research side of recreational drug (ab)use (have been clean[nothing too serious, mostly uppers and psychedelics.. and shitloads of MDMA] for 8 years, aside the occasional joint), I figured I wouldn't not fit into this bizarro world mix of people dwelling on this site, and maybe talking it out could help me cope a little better.

A few months ago I lost a friend of mine, Heroin OD. The second person I've lost to this monster. He was scarcely 30, energetic, funny and brilliant-minded, just such a shame. The Heroin started around 5 years ago, and many of his friends, myself included, had to move to distance with him, trying to protect ourselves from getting too curious. Some of them had already tried that forbidden fruit and knew, if they tried some more, they would be trapped, just like my late friend, who quickly progressed to IV and even Speedballing.

Since his death, a bunch of us have been feeling so guilty about how we handled it. We just went to distance, instead of trying to help him. We were scared little fucks, but I know I'm too curious of nature. I was offered to try it twice, and twice I was fucking tempted, even though I always said to myself "anything but opiates". I've been scouring this forum for hours, sometimes days on end, trying to understand how he must have felt - breaks my heart to know how alone he must have been.

Long story short, I'm just here to talk, research and maybe help a little, if I can
Also this community really seems wonderful, I've read some very moving threads - a lot of them where the community actually saved lives. Very impressing, I'm glad this forum exists.
Hope I won't stand out for not being in "the game" :/

 

[MsDiz]

Greetings, Kellerkinder

While I am more on the purist research side of recreational drug (ab)use (have been clean[nothing too serious, mostly uppers and psychedelics.. and shitloads of MDMA] for 8 years, aside the occasional joint), I figured I wouldn't not fit into this bizarro world mix of people dwelling on this site, and maybe talking it out could help me cope a little better.

A few months ago I lost a friend of mine, Heroin OD. The second person I've lost to this monster. He was scarcely 30, energetic, funny and brilliant-minded, just such a shame. The Heroin started around 5 years ago, and many of his friends, myself included, had to move to distance with him, trying to protect ourselves from getting too curious. Some of them had already tried that forbidden fruit and knew, if they tried some more, they would be trapped, just like my late friend, who quickly progressed to IV and even Speedballing.

Since his death, a bunch of us have been feeling so guilty about how we handled it. We just went to distance, instead of trying to help him. We were scared little fucks, but I know I'm too curious of nature. I was offered to try it twice, and twice I was fucking tempted, even though I always said to myself "anything but opiates". I've been scouring this forum for hours, sometimes days on end, trying to understand how he must have felt - breaks my heart to know how alone he must have been.

Long story short, I'm just here to talk, research and maybe help a little, if I can
Also this community really seems wonderful, I've read some very moving threads - a lot of them where the community actually saved lives. Very impressing, I'm glad this forum exists.
Hope I won't stand out for not being in "the game" :/

I’m really sorry to hear about your friend. Don’t blame yourself for how you acted, I don’t think any action can be criticised in such cases.
You’re really welcome to the BL massive! There’s quite a few of us who don’t actively abuse drugs but partake in the forum! Looking forward to getting to know you better! I’m sure you’ll be appreciated on the MDMA threads!

 

[December Flower]

I’m really sorry to hear about your friend. Don’t blame yourself for how you acted, I don’t think any action can be criticised in such cases.
You’re really welcome to the BL massive! There’s quite a few of us who don’t actively abuse drugs but partake in the forum! Looking forward to getting to know you better! I’m sure you’ll be appreciated on the MDMA threads!

Thanks for that warm welcome
I'm trying to do my best not blaming myself, but there's still this little voice in the back of my head calling me a coward for not trying. It's something that I do have to accept one way or another, that I did cower, in order to protect myself.

I will get acquainted with all differents parts on this forum in due time I'm sure there are some, where my experience can actually be helpful. For now I've mostly been reading the opiate ones, trying to in some way understand this trap my friend was in (and some of my living friends still are)

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

Don't beat yourself up about it mate. I was that guy, except I survived. I took a liking to the brown far too much and my friends distanced themselves from me. But I don't blame them for it at all, I probably would have done the same myself. In fact, I was far too wrapped up in my addiction to notice and I probably distanced myself from them more than they did from me. There's nothing you could have done to help him and you were wise to back off before you could be dragged down yourself. Addicts don't want or need friends, they only need heroin.

Welcome to Bluelight by the way. This is a great community and hope you'll stick around.

 

[December Flower]

Don't beat yourself up about it mate. I was that guy, except I survived. I took a liking to the brown far too much and my friends distanced themselves from me. But I don't blame them for it at all, I probably would have done the same myself. In fact, I was far too wrapped up in my addiction to notice and I probably distanced myself from them more than they did from me. There's nothing you could have done to help him and you were wise to back off before you could be dragged down yourself. Addicts don't want or need friends, they only need heroin.

Welcome to Bluelight by the way. This is a great community and hope you'll stick around.

That is very true, thanks for your words. He did distance himself from us, too. Maybe trying to protect us, somehow. It's really hard to tell. A friend of mine, who was sort of his caretaker in the last few months, told me that, you had to give give give and give more, and when you got the tiniest thing back you could count your stars lucky. I am very glad I didn't fall into that abyss, but at the same time I'm ashamed for not trying to save him.

I'm glad you got out I've heard and read a lot about that struggle in the last few weeks, it sounds so exhausting. And I hope your friends have returned to you in time. It's great that you don't blame them, the friends and family of a user have their own demons to fight, even if it is a much smaller demon.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

I also understand things from your point of view as one of my group of friends overdid the MDMA and triggered his latent schizophrenia. It got so bad he was scary to be around and he was a bloody big bloke. We all backed off instead of trying to help. He's never recovered and is now one of those guys you see shuffling around in the street with a thousand yard stare that you'd cross the road to avoid. I still feel guilty about not doing more, but I also know that nothing could have been done.

 

[December Flower]

I also understand things from your point of view as one of my group of friends overdid the MDMA and triggered his latent schizophrenia. It got so bad he was scary to be around and he was a bloody big bloke. We all backed off instead of trying to help. He's never recovered and is now one of those guys you see shuffling around in the street with a thousand yard stare that you'd cross the road to avoid. I still feel guilty about not doing more, but I also know that nothing could have been done.

Haha, O yes, my mind was in shambles. I didn't even mention all the mescaline I did, and I'm ashamed of how much it was. I burnt through what was supposed to be a cache for 2 years in just a few months.

No one ever said anything at the time, but when I stopped and got clearer, people said things to me like "so much of the stuff you said didn't make sense", or "sometimes you started a sentence, and then made an argument about something entirely different" - stuff like that, I didn't even realize it at the time.

Yeah the schizo is something that runs in my family, I knew that long before the drugs. I should have just stayed away, I guess :D

 

[PtahTek]

Hey, bro/sis.
Been super busy and it hasnt stopped yet.
Welcome to the fam, fam!
Will come back for a proper intro and sudo-insigts? lol
Be well and relax for a min, no?
Love always.
You in the best company one can have... seriously.
Peace and well being,
Ptah


Edit: @Shady's Mom
Classic and inspirational.

 

[December Flower]

Hey, bro/sis.
Been super busy and it hasnt stopped yet.
Welcome to the fam, fam!
Will come back for a proper intro and sudo-insigts? lol
Be well and relax for a min, no?
Love always.
You in the best company one can have... seriously.
Peace and well being,
Ptah


Edit: @Shady's Mom
Classic and inspirational.

Thank you
O I was supposed to talk about myself, not my strong suit!

 

[PtahTek]

I was supposed to talk about myself, not my strong suit!

Well, this could be helpful for us all, no? I mean. I ususally find myself talking about myself when replying to threads and/or posts here as it seems natural to provide anecdotal accounts when discussing the (mis)use of substances; it just appears that there are many and various experiences regarding "drugs" so science (coming to the same conclusion reliably) doesn't look to cover usage... we all react differently to any substance, even water for Petes sake. BTW... where the hell is pete? lol
Don't get me wrong: Science was my favorite subject in school from early on and still is my fave. It is a priceless study, IMO, and provides insight on many an issue. I am just of the mind that nothing actually stays the same (even the stars in the sky are in motion always and even if not perceptible to us, they change positions).
Above is only a my experience and does not necessarily reflect the views of others to any extent... anecdotal, indeed.
:giggle:

Long story short, I'm just here to talk, research and maybe help a little,...

Congrats on joining our:

bizarro world mix of people dwelling on this site

.
Love that apropos descriptor... just fuckin love it.
Looking forward to reading some bizzarro experiences one may have to share. Careful... don't let BL be a haven of yours as well. Or rather... my hopes are one gets lost in BLs many halls and perspectives: Kinda like a funhouse, IMO. Just nothing like our little community of raggamuffins and ne'er-do-wells. It has afforded me with life saving knowledge and helps keep this ol' fool afloat.
See ya around?
Always,
Ptah

 

[December Flower]

Well, this could be helpful for us all, no? I mean. I ususally find myself talking about myself when replying to threads and/or posts here as it seems natural to provide anecdotal accounts when discussing the (mis)use of substances; it just appears that there are many and various experiences regarding "drugs" so science (coming to the same conclusion reliably) doesn't look to cover usage... we all react differently to any substance, even water for Petes sake. BTW... where the hell is pete? lol
Don't get me wrong: Science was my favorite subject in school from early on and still is my fave. It is a priceless study, IMO, and provides insight on many an issue. I am just of the mind that nothing actually stays the same (even the stars in the sky are in motion always and even if not perceptible to us, they change positions).
Above is only a my experience and does not necessarily reflect the views of others to any extent... anecdotal, indeed.
:giggle:

Congrats on joining our:

.
Love that apropos descriptor... just fuckin love it.
Looking forward to reading some bizzarro experiences one may have to share. Careful... don't let BL be a haven of yours as well. Or rather... my hopes are one gets lost in BLs many halls and perspectives: Kinda like a funhouse, IMO. Just nothing like our little community of raggamuffins and ne'er-do-wells. It has afforded me with life saving knowledge and helps keep this ol' fool afloat.
See ya around?
Always,
Ptah

Ha! Not much to learn from me really :D Big on music, composing & playing on the piano mostly, was/am a music therapist & caretaker. Roughly 7-8 years of drug abuse, now around 8 years sobriety.

When I see a story that has something with mine in common I will tell some anecdotes, you can be sure of that

I found that descriptor quite fitting :D I like the craziness, the untamed emotions of the people here. No way! Trust me, that part of my life is over, but even then you can never again really be one of the normal people walking around either, even sober. That's I guess why I felt drawn to the site. Also I have much medical knowledge, and might actually be of help one day.

 

[PtahTek]

Big on music, composing & playing on the piano mostly, was/am a music therapist & caretaker.

Freakin' sweeeet, homie!
Maybe hold forth in the Music sub-forums?
Have to get to stripping, sanding and painting of new house... gotta get it in brfore weather starts getting nasty.
Be back inna while and know that you are loved for who and what you are.
Best,
Ptah