Prose Rust (OC)

[BK38]

Rust​

Steel-toed boots and steely blue eyes and a gaze as tough as leather. Sam tried to hustle through the crowd, his feet heavy; the thudding of a man who used to never walk fast for anybody – no way, no how. He felt like a lost sheep instead of the Cattle-herder he was raised to be, the cattle herder he was born to be. The beep beeps of metal detectors and the cacophony of screaming children filled his ears. He missed the old country, the smell of shit and sweat and the toil of real men. He missed the roar of the crowd as he slid onto his nemesis, a Bull madder than hell, a tangible enemy.

He absentmindedly bumped into a little girl – “Dui Bu Qi” he muttered. The words are gooey and warbled – clunky and slow; uncouth and alien. He used to send the eyelashes fluttering and the hearts racing with his smooth, deliberate Southern drawl. Too many “used tos.” A plane screeched over the sky and pierced him to the core, reminding him his era was bygone; his gait in life archaic. He didn’t belong here and he knew it.

He cursed his old man. “There just ain’t money in cattle no more son, I’m selling the ground to the city folk, it’s time for you to make your own way.” The words echoed in his head and he hated him for it; he had come so close to his station in life and now it was gone. “Flight CA137 to Kun Ming now boarding” The foreign inflection of the Stewardess sent his head spinning. Life in the old country was straight forward – Get a job, work hard, find a pretty missus that wasn’t too harsh on the eyes, settle down on a patch of land and don’t take nothing that ain’t yours for the taking.

Flashing gizmos and doo-dads, passing fads and the latest fashions filled his vision and meant nothing to him. Unwelcome tendrils of unfamiliar scents filled his nostrils and they flared like the Bulls he used to tame. The Chinese were taking over and got the world in a hurry too fast for his liking. He was amongst them and yet despised them. Where was the culture? Where was the rush of Dragons and martial arts mastery? Where was that certain something that an Iphone and the latest Western fashion trend failed to capture?

The cars continued to honk, the planes continued to roar off into the sky and the sullen Cowboy of a misaligned age receded into himself.

 

[RareForm]

I thoroughly enjoyed this. Have you any books on the horizon that you intend to write?

What I enjoy most is that there are no wasted words; they all seem purposefully deliberate; masterfully articulated (without feeling stilted) as your picture in prose takes shape.

 

[BK38]

I thoroughly enjoyed this. Have you any books on the horizon that you intend to write?

What I enjoy most is that there are no wasted words; they all seem purposefully deliberate; masterfully articulated (without feeling stilted) as your picture in prose takes shape.

Such high praise! Thanks I don't have any immediate plans for a book, but do have such aspirations to write one. I find it harder to weave a narrative rather than paint a scene. I think I'd have to spend a good while storyboarding before embarking on something as daunting as a book!

 

[RareForm]

Such high praise! Thanks I don't have any immediate plans for a book, but do have such aspirations to write one. I find it harder to weave a narrative rather than paint a scene. I think I'd have to spend a good while storyboarding before embarking on something as daunting as a book!

You should! I recommend inviting some creative people to help with storyboarding to relieve some of that burden.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Such high praise! Thanks I don't have any immediate plans for a book, but do have such aspirations to write one. I find it harder to weave a narrative rather than paint a scene. I think I'd have to spend a good while storyboarding before embarking on something as daunting as a book!

Hi Cormac McCarthy, get a job.

 

[BK38]

Hi Cormac McCarthy, get a job.

I don't really get the reference I'm afraid.

 

[birdup.snaildown]

The first two paragraphs are particularly strong. There is poetry in your prose. I think @The Axe is making fun (Cormac McCarthy is an award winning novelist) but don't listen to him. It's a bit rough but I like your style.

 

[BK38]

The first two paragraphs are particularly strong. There is poetry in your prose. I think @The Axe is making fun (Cormac McCarthy is an award winning novelist) but don't listen to him. It's a bit rough but I like your style.

Thanks for reading my work. When you say it's a bit rough, how do you think I could refine it? I always welcome constructive criticism.

 

[birdup.snaildown]

Your descriptions are great. Very poetic. Creative use of language. The dialogue (by contrast) is a bit stiff. I'm referring to a trend in all of your prose here, not this one in particular. Dialogue is generally difficult. He said/ she said/ he muttered always detracts from the flow of great writing but there are ways to avoid this. Often it can be obvious who is saying what given the context. You've done that here somewhat. The "he muttered" i would cut.

Action isnt as strong as descriptions. In Corner Boy i found some of the action to take me out of the story, while other bits remained immersive.

I guess what im saying is your dialogue/action is less consistent than your descriptions.

Do you write poetry? I feel like your style and the beauty of certain phrases might work better without having to adhere to a narrative structure.

Also in terms of structure, you are revealing a lot in a short space of time so there tends to be a fair amount of exposition. I'd like to see some of them fleshed out a bit.

Your writing reminds me of William Burroughs. It is disjointed and free flowing. That's not a bad thing. I love Burroughs.

Just my two cents.

 

[BK38]

Your descriptions are great. Very poetic. Creative use of language. The dialogue (by contrast) is a bit stiff. I'm referring to a trend in all of your prose here, not this one in particular. Dialogue is generally difficult. He said/ she said/ he muttered always detracts from the flow of great writing but there are ways to avoid this. Often it can be obvious who is saying what given the context. You've done that here somewhat. The "he muttered" i would cut.

Action isnt as strong as descriptions. In Corner Boy i found some of the action to take me out of the story, while other bits remained immersive.

I guess what im saying is your dialogue/action is less consistent than your descriptions.

Do you write poetry? I feel like your style and the beauty of certain phrases might work better without having to adhere to a narrative structure.

Also in terms of structure, you are revealing a lot in a short space of time so there tends to be a fair amount of exposition. I'd like to see some of them fleshed out a bit.

Your writing reminds me of William Burroughs. It is disjointed and free flowing. That's not a bad thing. I love Burroughs.

Just my two cents.

Thanks, yes, natural sounding dialogue is really quite a hard art form to master. Also yes, poetry has always been my first love, so well spotted. Thank you for your critique, I think everything you said is totally valid and I will take that onboard. Dialogue/exposition are my Achilles heel it seems. Will work on it. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me your two cents

 

[neversickanymore]

Pretty damn good.. a little polishing by an editor. English is not your first language is it? If not then really impressed

 

[wudbutcher]

I don't really get the reference I'm afraid.

That was about the highest compliment EVER

 

[BK38]

Pretty damn good.. a little polishing by an editor. English is not your first language is it? If not then really impressed

I am a professional writer, it is how I earn a living... so maybe I should be embarrassed? This is a piece from maybe 5 years ago and I'm American/British by nationality. I am a native English speaker, but it's always hard to edit your own work. I agree that it needs work though and thanks for reading.

 

[neversickanymore]

I am a professional writer, it is how I earn a living... so maybe I should be embarrassed? This is a piece from maybe 5 years ago and I'm American/British by nationality. I am a native English speaker, but it's always hard to edit your own work.

No not at all. Your dialogue just came across with that impression to me in this piece or maybe it was the Chinese dialect you included. In think its good.

Maybe look at the words you start some of your sentences with and your tense seems to waver from present to past. Switching to a clear present may give you an opportunity to remove weaker sentence starting words that are not necessary, Try playing around with rewriting in the present without some of the The and He type sentence beginnings and see what you think.

I really like the title

 

[BK38]

No not at all. Your dialogue just came across with that impression to me in this piece or maybe it was the Chinese dialect you included. In think its good.

Maybe look at the words you start some of your sentences with and your tense seems to waver from present to past. Switching to a clear present may give you an opportunity to remove weaker sentence starting words that are not necessary, Try playing around with rewriting in the present without some of the The and He type sentence beginnings and see what you think.

I really like the title

Thanks for your input. Natural sounding dialogue is something that I struggle with for sure and I definitely need to work on it; I can see how it may have come across as unnatural. It feels clunky to me too. I'm not as sure an active tense would make sense, but perhaps you're right. I will see if a different tense fits the piece (or maybe integrate it into the more recent stuff I am putting together). I appreciate you taking the time to reflect on it.

EDIT: I also thought about using the actual Chinese characters in lieu of the pin yin (the phonetic representation of the word) as I grew up in China and speak/write Chinese fluently. What do you think?

 

[neversickanymore]

My take is, its best the way you have it and switching to characters would not flow as well.

Your piece conjures allot is interest, share the story behind it if you want?

 

[BK38]

My take is, its best the way you have it and switching to characters would not flow as well.

Your piece conjures allot is interest, share the story behind it if you want?

I believe I wrote this when I was in rehab for the 3rd (and hopefully last) time; I was trying to keep my mind occupied with writing to avoid thinking about my circumstances. I was reflecting on how China was changing really rapidly and mistaking all Western fashion/technology/development etc as "progress" whilst tossing aside some of the rich elements of Chinese culture. With that said, a lot of that was destroyed with the Cultural Revolution in 1966 anyways. Basically I was just thinking about feeling out of place in time/culturally (which I felt at the time).

I don't think there was any particular meaning for me and I just conjured this random piece up. In short, it was just a cathartic writing exercise.

 

[paltatomate]

Such high praise! Thanks I don't have any immediate plans for a book, but do have such aspirations to write one. I find it harder to weave a narrative rather than paint a scene. I think I'd have to spend a good while storyboarding before embarking on something as daunting as a book!

For me it's the other way round. I can visualize a scene without much effort, but then putting all that in the right amount of correct words seems so... Don't know. Sometimes I wish I could hire a ghost writer.

As for the text itself... I do have to use my imagination and analytic skills to make sense of some parts (which isn't good nor bad, just challenging). But I think in the end I got the message, and it's one I can relate to.

Ediy:
Just saw this is an older thread, and maybe you'll never get to read this. Ha!

 

[BK38]

For me it's the other way round. I can visualize a scene without much effort, but then putting all that in the right amount of correct words seems so... Don't know. Sometimes I wish I could hire a ghost writer.

As for the text itself... I do have to use my imagination and analytic skills to make sense of some parts (which isn't good nor bad, just challenging). But I think in the end I got the message, and it's one I can relate to.

Ediy:
Just saw this is an older thread, and maybe you'll never get to read this. Ha!

We see eye to eye. I do some ghostwriting on the side, so hmu if you need proofing or writing. Glad you get me, not everyone does!

 

[paltatomate]

We see eye to eye.

So maybe we could help each other.