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Married, Both addicts, under stay at home order- Come on in

S

Sosume

Greenlighter
Joined
Mar 27, 2017
Messages
13
Hello

I need people, other addicts, who get the situation I am in right now.

I posted in another forum, then asked a mod to point me in the right direction so here I am. Thanks FUBAR

I am a 49yr old female with 15 yr history IV opiate abuse married 22 years. 3 grown daughters no longer in home.

My husband has been using methamphetamine since around 2001. He served a 8 year sentence for MWISD Meth and was released 3 yrs ago. I love him and I...well I'm just fucking lost right now.

While he was in prison, I raised our girls alone. I made a lot of mistakes. I was in a lot of pain and I let my use spiral out of control. I was injecting opana or heroin (basically whatever opiate I could find and afford) when he got out. It was not easy for me to stop and I can not say I could turn it down right now if it was in reach. I just don't know.

He stayed straight for months when he got out. I did not move back in with him immediately. We just talked and spent most weekends together. He didn't like the shape I was in and told me if we were going to make a go of our marriage I needed to stop shooting opiates. So I did.

He got a good job which he still has 3 years later and we still live in same home. We are "functional". But both being addicts...we fell in this together.

We have been using meth (about an 8 ball a week) injecting for 2 years now.

Now we are under stay at home order from State. Thanks to pandemic. Not sick, but when a coworker at his job developed symptoms of COVID19, we were intructed to self isolate for 14 days. Anyone with a history of addiction sould understand how that went.

It's day 15.

He has blown all his veins and can't get a shot in. My viens have been bad forever and most of the time I end up trying 3 or more spots before I get mine. More and more often, I have to stick him to get his in.

And I hate that.

He changes when I can't get his in. Switches from the guy I love who works hard to take care of us to this hateful, belittling, threatening asshole. He has NOT hit me. I want to be clear about that.
I haven't done a shot myself in 36 hours. I tried up til 3pm yesterday. Then I decided I can't keep this shit up. My mind is tired, my heart is broken.

I told him. He's pissed and keeps going off everytime I tell him I won't stick him again. Then cycles back to being sweet and begging for my help. I know what he is feeling. I need a fix myself. But I am sick of being the target of his anger. Bottom line, if there really is a bottom with addiction, I have never asked him to be responsible for me getting mine. I love him too much to put him through that.

Sorry if that was too long but I need help. I can't go anywhere. The situation I am in has me isolated from everyone but my mom and my youngest daughter(age 20). I talk to them on phone but they do not know the details of our use. I'm sure they know something but I deny when asked.

I'm know I can not be the only one lost right now. Local mental health has crisis line, but I have to TALK. Him hearing that conversation would not help any thing. And if law enforcement came...well that never helps either.

So chat online or cry by myself and wait for the next time he blows.

I told him, "we either manage to keep living together, or we die alone."

I don't expect a miracle answer to my life long problems. Just need to find my people, I guess.

And maybe I can be the safe, understanding, non-judgemental listener that helps another addict hold on in this nightmare.

Stay well
Sosume
 
I am so sorry you're going through this. There really is no easy answer or solution. Do you stay? Do you go? Both answers are equally as hard. You sound like your soul is exhausted and you may be ready to ditch the needle. If that is the case, I pray that you're able to. Unfortunately, life as an IV user eventually comes down to this. Blown veins, blown shots, blown tempers.

If you're looking for a bandaid for right this moment - have you looked into veins in the legs?

If you want out - do you have anywhere to go?

Edit: this brings back memories of my ex. He was SO AFRAID of the fucking needle. Sticking him was like doing open heart surgery. If it hurt at all he would yank the needle out and start throwing shit, It got so bad i couldn't stick him because i was so afraid of him flipping out. I used to get really upset by people yelling.
 
LadyAlkaline said:
I am so sorry you're going through this. There really is no easy answer or solution. Do you stay? Do you go? Both answers are equally as hard. You sound like your soul is exhausted and you may be ready to ditch the needle. If that is the case, I pray that you're able to. Unfortunately, life as an IV user eventually comes down to this. Blown veins, blown shots, blown tempers.

If you're looking for a bandaid for right this moment - have you looked into veins in the legs?

If you want out - do you have anywhere to go?

Edit: this brings back memories of my ex. He was SO AFRAID of the fucking needle. Sticking him was like doing open heart surgery. If it hurt at all he would yank the needle out and start throwing shit, It got so bad i couldn't stick him because i was so afraid of him flipping out. I used to get really upset by people yelling.
Click to expand...
Amen, sister. Sounds like you have been exactly where I am.

I don't want to go. 22 years is a long time. And we keep finding our way back to each other. Even divorced and married AGAIN (in a jail cell. Whole other story )

I could go to my mother's. She is 65 and I absolutely do not want to risk exposing her to virus. Havent picked up my kit since yesterday, but I don't know if I might. Haven't thrown it away...

I just needed to talk openly about my current reality. My brain was about to explode with anxiety and frustration. I already feel a little better because of your response. Thanks
 
Wow
Your post is very close to the exact same situation I am in. My wife and I are both addicted to iv fentanyl and will likely be starting to kick in the next day and are all out of options until Friday and I'm scared to death we have never tried to kick the fent. Like you guys us girls get into mini fights until she can find one of my mostly blown veins. Almost always by the 3rd or 4th try we have success. (I feel awful and it isnt her Im mad up it's generally my own guilt that and NEED of and over the shot. I've never hit my own . I have the shakes really bad and can hardly write. She's an RN and with tons of yrs so it went smooth for so long its our normal. I want to be clean nut we recently moved to a rural area 80 miles from clinics and I haven't even tried to find a sub doc. I not sure what advice to give you but I just make myself be completely honest about my feelimgs however looking at how life may be over the next few days my anxiety it through the roof. If anything know you're not alone.
 
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