My problem with relationships

[alarminglynefarious]

I don't have trouble seeing out attention affection lust even love in a rare specimen here or there. I have trouble with all the shit that comes with it. The vulnerability.

To turn my torment into a bite size joke "I'm never going to tell you to stop walking the streets. You can't ever ask me to stop drinking." - Nic Cage paraphrased badly leaving las vegas

I guess it's easiest for me to frame how i think now in a conversational tone.
"I have seen too many people i care about die young or continue living without any trace of the soul they once had. I can barely take care of myself."
"What are we gonna do kid ourselves that we're trying to change each others behavior for each other and not ourselves? I'm not about to tell you what to do i'm not your dad, but i'm not about to be told how to live correctly by your standards."
"Look we're a rocket crash and those sparks that just flew might have been a sign that there's fuel leaking and combusting in the charged air around us, let's just fuck and never speak again and save both of us the time and trouble"

Thank god for the tinder generation.,

 

[Shady's Fox]

I don't understand what you're trying to say, can you tell us your question in a blunt sentence.

 

[alarminglynefarious]

"sorry i'm not trying to fall in love can you not see that this is a bad idea i'm literally waving a red flag every chance i get, and it ain't like i don't see them so let's do this, lets fuck tonight and try the whole relationship thing and make each other miserable til one of us snaps dies or kills the other - cuz at a point it just becomes momentum and you can't back two oppositely charged particles away from each other once their gravity overlaps, stop trying to make this work, you really dont want it to - you're gonna fuck up and have me thinking it might"

in this thread a drunk dude has a conversation with himself with why he shouldnt date
himself?

 

[Shady's Fox]

i still can't understand

i am sorry, i will not shitpost ur thread

If someone else can make something outta this silk wire, then more power.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I have some trouble in my relationships too. Maybe we can talk about it together?

 

[alarminglynefarious]

lol i shitpost doomed this from the start it was tweaked ramble sorry it seemed more intellectual in my head

 

[Mona Lisa]

He dreads entanglements, he just wants no-strings attached sex

 

[alarminglynefarious]

@DeadManWalkin' yeah wouldnt that be grand lmao exactly what i need

i don't even have a relationship to be miserable about right now and im just trying to stay that way

 

[Jabberwocky]

It’s been a while since we’ve had a decent tweaked out stream of consciousness running amok around BL. I’m all for it, even the bits I can’t make heads nor tails of.

 

[alarminglynefarious]

not at all @Mona Lisa

i would love to have a meaningful connection - its amazing to be able to surrender yourself completely to another person and really becoming all that... its an amazing feeling to give yourself away and to receive like that.
fucking does not hold a candle to making love to someone who really is your other half.

i'm over kidding myself.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

i don't even have a relationship to be miserable about right now and im just trying to stay that way

I am not the biggest fan of whatever "relationship" I'm in. I can't blame you for wanting to stay single.

 

[alarminglynefarious]

I am not the biggest fan of whatever "relationship" I'm in. I can't blame you for wanting to stay single.

and that statement transcends all barriers - cuz i know exactly what you mean when you say that - you don't feel like you have the power you deserve or are being able to express it in your "relationship" or relationship like thing - i know that feeling though "whatever the fuck this is iaint feeling it" you might want to consider more communication if it works it works if it doesnt fuck i'm high as balls and an electronics engineer not a relationship counsellor what do you expect

 

[Captain.Heroin]

and that statement transcends all barriers - cuz i know exactly what you mean when you say that - you don't feel like you have the power you deserve or are being able to express it in your "relationship" or relationship like thing - i know that feeling though "whatever the fuck this is iaint feeling it" you might want to consider more communication if it works it works if it doesnt fuck i'm high as balls and an electronics engineer not a relationship counsellor what do you expect

If I had to put it into my own words, it's really overwhelming when things go well and move in the right direction, and it's especially devastating when it stops moving in that direction.

Damned if I do, and damned if I don't sort of thing.

I start to form love|hate relationships to love and it's not that I become an asshole or abusive, but "romantic hatefuck" might state it well. I get very animalistic during sex and detach from my human self a lot more than if I were "just fucking". It's like a dissociation where I am abandoning myself (human self) through sex and resorting to a primitive state ("ego death" if you will). Corbelli would have possibly called this a healthy attachment to "sex/death fantasies" if he was still alive today.

I "couldn't care" to fuck someone this intensely / aggressively if I did not actually enjoy them as a person and the sex and this dawns on you, and you feel weak for loving someone and not just interacting with the extant reality as one continuous object in any way you see fit. You start segregating someone.

You think of them as "special" or "unique". "Different". "Better". All of these are alien concepts when the oneness of all subatomic particles renders individualism illusory at best. This is the same typical prototype of a human being that I otherwise will encounter in life. It's nothing more. I'm nothing more.

Becoming enamored with the "other" becomes narcissistic as I am enamored with the "self" for what I do "to/for" them (sexually or otherwise but I was thinking sexually when I wrote this) - and eventually due to becoming enamored with the "other" and "self" I begin aborting any mission to abandon my human self, when really everyone else is the same grunting ape that I otherwise strive to be.

Eventually both parties orgasm, you wash yourself clean but your mind is forever warped sociologically by relating to others "well" and abandoning people incapable of this "connection". While you are enough, the flaws and faults of others become acceptable (because they are not "special, unique, different, better") and the flaws and faults of your significant other, over time, become glaringly obvious as you develop a pharmacological tolerance to a love sensation.

Love then grows stale, and rots into this bittersweet feeling I can't exactly find words for. But I abhor it and I often shift focus in life as quickly as possible, if I can. Love is a sick fire people play with until they become burned, and then they stop drop and roll as they are completely on fire and it becomes extinguished. The moment of panic and desire to retain your "old self" prevent self-abandonment through this form of self-immolation.

If you are calm enough and remain still this fire will eat you alive, hence my words "I have found what I love in life and I am letting it kill me" and how well these words fit to what the sensation is like.

Writers often make love to be romantic beyond reason. Because this sells well and it's so alien and bizarre it is voyeuristic to read like a poorly staged pornography. But it's not realistic. And it's never going to be something most people experience because it simply has not happened (i.e. is not destined to happen).

"Power"/control is not something I think I ever had/have in my life, so I'm not concerned with it. In this relationship I can initiate sex so I don't feel like I'm someone's lap dog or whatever. "Deserve" is a strong word because I'm rather humble and don't expect I deserve a relationship (because "deserving a relationship" could be seen on the flip side as "being socially needy" = deserving one implies a need not everyone has).

 

[Jabberwocky]

If I had to put it into my own words, it's really overwhelming when things go well and move in the right direction, and it's especially devastating when it stops moving in that direction.

Damned if I do, and damned if I don't sort of thing.

I start to form love|hate relationships to love and it's not that I become an asshole or abusive, but "romantic hatefuck" might state it well. I get very animalistic during sex and detach from my human self a lot more than if I were "just fucking". It's like a dissociation where I am abandoning myself (human self) through sex and resorting to a primitive state ("ego death" if you will). Corbelli would have possibly called this a healthy attachment to "sex/death fantasies" if he was still alive today.

I "couldn't care" to fuck someone this intensely / aggressively if I did not actually enjoy them as a person and the sex and this dawns on you, and you feel weak for loving someone and not just interacting with the extant reality as one continuous object in any way you see fit. You start segregating someone.

You think of them as "special" or "unique". "Different". "Better". All of these are alien concepts when the oneness of all subatomic particles renders individualism illusory at best. This is the same typical prototype of a human being that I otherwise will encounter in life. It's nothing more. I'm nothing more.

Becoming enamored with the "other" becomes narcissistic as I am enamored with the "self" for what I do "to/for" them (sexually or otherwise but I was thinking sexually when I wrote this) - and eventually due to becoming enamored with the "other" and "self" I begin aborting any mission to abandon my human self, when really everyone else is the same grunting ape that I otherwise strive to be.

Eventually both parties orgasm, you wash yourself clean but your mind is forever warped sociologically by relating to others "well" and abandoning people incapable of this "connection". While you are enough, the flaws and faults of others become acceptable (because they are not "special, unique, different, better") and the flaws and faults of your significant other, over time, become glaringly obvious as you develop a pharmacological tolerance to a love sensation.

Love then grows stale, and rots into this bittersweet feeling I can't exactly find words for. But I abhor it and I often shift focus in life as quickly as possible, if I can. Love is a sick fire people play with until they become burned, and then they stop drop and roll as they are completely on fire and it becomes extinguished. The moment of panic and desire to retain your "old self" prevent self-abandonment through this form of self-immolation.

If you are calm enough and remain still this fire will eat you alive, hence my words "I have found what I love in life and I am letting it kill me" and how well these words fit to what the sensation is like.

Writers often make love to be romantic beyond reason. Because this sells well and it's so alien and bizarre it is voyeuristic to read like a poorly staged pornography. But it's not realistic. And it's never going to be something most people experience because it simply has not happened (i.e. is not destined to happen).

"Power"/control is not something I think I ever had/have in my life, so I'm not concerned with it. In this relationship I can initiate sex so I don't feel like I'm someone's lap dog or whatever. "Deserve" is a strong word because I'm rather humble and don't expect I deserve a relationship (because "deserving a relationship" could be seen on the flip side as "being socially needy" = deserving one implies a need not everyone has).

Very well written and well thought. You're a smart man.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Very well written and well thought. You're a smart man.

Thanks, I can't imagine it is like that way for everyone, but I've been in enough "love relationships" where it was "more than just sex" and lasted long enough for me to know this pattern.

I've probably stopped relationships well before this point just so it could end on a good note, which is ... well not so much tragic but it's really hard to explain to someone.

I am sure relationships are different for many people and my experience may not reflect everyone equally. I'm quite interested in what people think of what I said.

 

[alarminglynefarious]

Sorry to slice up your words but i refined your comment to the most salient points to me that i had something of an experience or idea about.

If I had to put it into my own words, it's really overwhelming when things go well and move in the right direction, and it's especially devastating when it stops moving in that direction.
Damned if I do, and damned if I don't sort of thing.
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Like you know it's going up in flames but this is the only time you get to go up in flames - no matter how toxic it is it's the realest most resilient love you've known because it's wild and unrelenting because it grew from no hope. it's ddefinitely a story - maybe you wish it was more of a fairy tale like i wish mine had turned out - and now you just got this sour taste in your mouth because you know you're not even capable of letting someone havedominion over your heart and mind like that again. you physically wish you could love like that but it was your one shot or so you think for something that grand and novellic - the fuck are we gonna do now? be average - catch yourself thinking well fuck maybe we shoulda just gone up in flames romeo and juliet die

I start to form love|hate relationships to love and it's not that I become an asshole or abusive, but "romantic hatefuck" might state it well. I get very animalistic during sex and detach from my human self a lot more than if I were "just fucking". It's like a dissociation where I am abandoning myself (human self) through sex and resorting to a primitive state ("ego death" if you will). Corbelli would have possibly called this a healthy attachment to "sex/death fantasies" if he was still alive today.
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i'm not going to get into the sex death fantasy cuz i'd be talking out of my ass although i think i see what you mean. the romantic hatefuck is incredibly rare. ive had it and i know that you gotta feel completely insane about someone they have to rule you completely to make you feel that way. ain't about that life no more playa

I "couldn't care" to fuck someone this intensely / aggressively if I did not actually enjoy them as a person and the sex and this dawns on you, and you feel weak for loving someone and not just interacting with the extant reality as one continuous object in any way you see fit. You start segregating someone.
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yup yup yup as with what i said to your last point we are on the same page there - you cant just hate fuck someone you dislike its not that easy

You think of them as "special" or "unique". "Different". "Better". All of these are alien concepts when the oneness of all subatomic particles renders individualism illusory at best. This is the same typical prototype of a human being that I otherwise will encounter in life. It's nothing more. I'm nothing more.
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nigga please i'm human crack in the flesh straight from Ra's right nutsack ain't nothing average about me

Becoming enamored with the "other" becomes narcissistic as I am enamored with the "self" for what I do "to/for" them (sexually or otherwise but I was thinking sexually when I wrote this) - and eventually due to becoming enamored with the "other" and "self" I begin aborting any mission to abandon my human self, when really everyone else is the same grunting ape that I otherwise strive to be.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
well you fire an arrow at vanity and narcissism you were bound to hit the neighbourhood scorpio - but fuck -rhar carries so much weight - when someone was just so amazing once - maybe it was seeing what they became or losing them but you saw that image fade away and get taken from you - you deserved them - they deserved you and the universe be damned for getting in your way because that is the only fucking person that deserves the titles of affection you whispered in their ears and you literally do not care about trying with anyone else

Eventually both parties orgasm, you wash yourself clean but your mind is forever warped sociologically by relating to others "well" and abandoning people incapable of this "connection". While you are enough, the flaws and faults of others become acceptable (because they are not "special, unique, different, better") and the flaws and faults of your significant other, over time, become glaringly obvious as you develop a pharmacological tolerance to a love sensation.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
the awkward polite and "coy" conversation where you're feeling each other out while both deciding if it's gonna happen again or if it sucked
Love then grows stale, and rots into this bittersweet feeling I can't exactly find words for. But I abhor it and I often shift focus in life as quickly as possible, if I can. Love is a sick fire people play with until they become burned, and then they stop drop and roll as they are completely on fire and it becomes extinguished. The moment of panic and desire to retain your "old self" prevent self-abandonment through this form of self-immolation.

If you are calm enough and remain still this fire will eat you alive, hence my words "I have found what I love in life and I am letting it kill me" and how well these words fit to what the sensation is like.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
you are domesticated into a system that does not allow you to pursue your own vision of happiness and resign your fate

Writers often make love to be romantic beyond reason. Because this sells well and it's so alien and bizarre it is voyeuristic to read like a poorly staged pornography. But it's not realistic. And it's never going to be something most people experience because it simply has not happened (i.e. is not destined to happen).
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it sells because people yearn for it - ain't noone want to feel kinda appreciated - want to know each of my hoes is down to take a bullet for daddy or the fit or the car [/lol i gotta just break into character sometimes youve probably noticed]
"Power"/control is not something I think I ever had/have in my life, so I'm not concerned with it. In this relationship I can initiate sex so I don't feel like I'm someone's lap dog or whatever. "Deserve" is a strong word because I'm rather humble and don't expect I deserve a relationship (because "deserving a relationship" could be seen on the flip side as "being socially needy" = deserving one implies a need not everyone has).

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power is a tricky thing that way, you can patronize someone and make them feel like you're trying to empower them because it's so subjective
power in a relationship to me is having confidence and security - i feel most powerful when i know that i'm with someone who is loyal someone who is truthful - i'm not the kinda person who needs a girl to check in and i'd be annoyed if a woman called me or texted whatever too much - it's like "i'm doing me you do you, and it should be attractive to you that i have a drive to do things, you should be your own person in the same right, get some hobbies or something lol that sounds cold but theres nothing more inattractive than someone who literally does nothing but dote over you/.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Yes it's kind of like "how can you mean so much to me" being expressed through love and they are thrilled at the animal-like passion/drive you have. I rarely have that with people I've had sex with and it makes me think sex with other people would be largely pointless, or empty feeling. It would be like masturbating with someone's body like perhaps how rubbing a dick on someone's stomach or legs might feel kind of underwhelming.

@madness00 once said "I am the sex" and it is one of the more enlightening male centered perspectives I have heard. This is relatable to me in some ways. I can often tell how good the encounter will be with my love interest by how much I "need it" so to speak, am pent up or wanting it. They become a mirror. They of course have their own self/image/energy and what not but if they are the gas I'm the fire and oxygen or whatever.

you are domesticated into a system that does not allow you to pursue your own vision of happiness and resign your fate

Contentment, happiness are largely things I believe I either have or don't have outside of a sexual / love relationship. I may be wrong... but I am not able to really tell; spent most of my adult life in relationships.

 

[alarminglynefarious]

Yes it's kind of like "how can you mean so much to me" being expressed through love and they are thrilled at the animal-like passion/drive you have. I rarely have that with people I've had sex with and it makes me think sex with other people would be largely pointless, or empty feeling. It would be like masturbating with someone's body like perhaps how rubbing a dick on someone's stomach or legs might feel kind of underwhelming.

@madness00 once said "I am the sex" and it is one of the more enlightening male centered perspectives I have heard. This is relatable to me in some ways. I can often tell how good the encounter will be with my love interest by how much I "need it" so to speak, am pent up or wanting it. They become a mirror. They of course have their own self/image/energy and what not but if they are the gas I'm the fire and oxygen or whatever.


Contentment, happiness are largely things I believe I either have or don't have outside of a sexual / love relationship. I may be wrong... but I am not able to really tell; spent most of my adult life in relationships.

that animal attraction is fundamental to sexual compatibility in my opinion there's also a whole realm of "i am so fucking pissed at you that i could break you in half right now regardless of how it effects me, but i love you're stupid fucking smile too much to hurt so i'm going to let you feel my anger but not actually hurt you hurt you" or something like that that can't be put into words
a
"you fucking bitch, what am i going to do with you now, i'm seeing in red but i couldnt possibly actually hurt you, and only your stupid fucking beautiful face can drive me that crazy" "yeah well fuck you who do you think you are" "now you're just begging for it, and if you keep going i might forget what i said about not being able to really hurt you"
and it progresses into violent sex that breaks everything thats breakable in a 12 foot radius which then turns to make up sex and tender cuddling and 6 months later you wake up and you like wait what the fuck how this bitch still got me trapped

 

[alarminglynefarious]

the hatefuck is definitely something much more significant than most people think- and you gotta live through that sorta dysfunctional fuckery to grasp it i guess

most people dont even understand when you explain you can't really hatefuck someone who doesnt completely rule over your emotions im not gonna just call it love cuz maybe its not always and i'm not gonna call it something else but i can't even hate someone enough to give a shit like that - you have to be craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy over someone to experience that kinda thing and you're both dysfunctional as fuck for enjoying it however infrequently i suppose - who knows but its not something you experience often in life.

it's like this after someone that made you feel that way - "hatefuck you? sorry but it sounds like a genuine chore just to be tender to you i don't think i can act well enough to pretend to be both rough and caring at the same time"

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Have you ever considered therapy?