Hopeless Loneliness peaking and oxy cravings returning. How do you do this shit? Anybody?

[ADHDMY4SS]

I am scared of new people.
Only because of my own naive ignorant actions.
Ran into some money in my early 20s.
Now that I look back, I really wish that never happened.
Enough $$ to spend $750 a day on Oxy and not even feel it (the money)
I know you're thinking, whoah, that much, lucky little fuck I could feed my sick family and do this and that you ungrateful little shit.
No. You're wrong. I used to think the same.
At first I was fooled. I even let whatever relationships I did have left, rot to death.
I figured fuck friends I want a Ferrari.
Not how life works.
Money is cancer. Sure it makes things easier..
But don't you ever be fooled and say crap like if only I had this or when I have this *insert material possessions or dollar amount here* I'll be happy.
Boy are you in for a surprise. None of it means shit anymore. I have no friends and just dumped my GF of 5 years. When you have nobody to share all your shit with, you realize it's just a bunch of shit.
Buy more like a maniac. Don't even touch any of it at one point.
I cry when I wake up because I realize this is really my life and I cry when I sleep at night because my soul is craving human attention.
I know the oxy is random but I remember those days like yesterday. They brought out the best in me. No xanax no Adderall no gaba. They single handedly reset me and gave my life purpose. I was much better to my friends and family on them. That and the $ are how 1 40MG OP a week turned into 20 30MG OCs a day. Clean since 9/11/18.
Times like these are when my mind thinks very bad dark thoughts I feel so selfish to even be thinking. That same mentality is what tells me fuck it, who cares if that 1 pill overdose happens to you, what do you have to lose?
I know the bliss was artificial. But there's none other like it. It became my best friend my way of life.. 3 30s before I got out of bed..
It also fucking ruined me physically maybe worse than EVERYTHING else I've tried in one. And I've done a LOT. The withdrawals, quitting cold turkey, destroyed me as a human being. I came back in time but I always felt afterwards there was a pre-pxy version of me and a post-oxy version.
I liked the on oxy version the best.
I really feel like this is rock bottom for me. I'm desperate for friendship but such a coward when it comes to making it.
Oh, and I guess its worth mentioning, my best best most long lasting friendships were the worst. One robbed me for 300 thousand dollars and got away with it. My best friend growing up since we were ten years old. That person you trust even if you don't trust anyone. Yes. Destroyed me.
Again for 400k in a business fraud scheme that took 4-5 years of court and headaches and STRESS to get a settlement for.
I don't trust anyone. Neither should any of you. Opportunity makes a thief.
Humanity is fucked up and primarily full of ignorance. The one thing I can count on people to do, aside from fuck me over, is be STUPID.
I see a psych and a talk therapist.
My thoughts are eating me alive.
My GF was ungrateful and used all of the insecurities I revealed to her, against me. Time after time again. Amongst many other red flag traits and feelings I just thought through and realized fuck this, better now than later when we're engaged or married. She was PUSHING the living fuck out of me to that. Every single day for a few years.
Then we had a fucking abortion. My life once again changed forever.
I begged and begged and begged and cried like a baby for her to have the child. I'm not here to argue but I'm pro life as FUCK. I'm not into that murdering babies shit that's the fucking devil on earth planned parenthood and all that garbage. Little did I know it would be me one day. She didn't want to be known as the whore who had a kid before she got married. WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK!?!?!? FUCK EVERYONE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING SHIT. WE HAVE SOMETHING GOOD HERE WE CAN MAKE IT SO MUCH BETTER. A family is a beautiful thing. Family is all isnt it?
Not to her. No matter what I offered or how I begged. She went on with it. I remember every second of that horrid day in that fucking demon house. Girls walking in LAUGHING casual, their men waiting for them not giving a fuckkkkk.
That ruined me. I know I sound selfish but it was mine too. What if roles were reversed, could I just decide to not have it if I solely didn't want to? No

Sorry for the abortion rant. I'm so over all of this and I'm so fucking alone. Thanks if you made it down here. Done listing my traumas for the day

 

[Jabberwocky]

It sounds like you got an education the old fashioned way, just kind of pissing away OXY and $$$. Sometimes you end up throwing money (or drugs) at a problem and the only thing you have to show for it for the time being is a hole in your bank account. Your're not the first guy to lose a relationship or whose gf (wife) had an abortion. Been there done that. It sucks and its painful but it will pass.

 

[PtahTek]

When you have nobody to share all your shit with, you realize it's just a bunch of shit.

Agreed... I call it "plastic" as none of it is *real or offers any love or the warmth of anothers touch, smile or kind word (doesn't even have to be kind words... haha).
Addiction is a very costly phenomena monetarily, physically and mentally. If we could maintain the *high and didn't have to ever withdraw from use/abuse maybe it would only be a physical and monetary issue... which is enough, IMO, but throw in the mind-warping syptoms of WDs and it's a wonder we all ain't locked up in a sanitarium.
Hate that ya had to lose your offspring in that way. I always wanted a little girl so I could beat up on her boyfriends when she grew up... never had one or any child. I kinda count this a blessing as the way shit is now, I wouldn't fare well at keeping a cool head with others around my baby. Bad enough buggin' when someone fucks with anyone I even care about... give me a child and the world would burn. lol

Now that I look back, I really wish that never happened.

What helps, in my life, is to look back as little as possible (other than trying to learn something from a "discrepency" slip) and spend as much energy as I can to move at least a little bit ahead. Lots of times I drop the ball but the more I practice, the better I become at keeping possession of said *ball. It's such a production, life is. All the distractions that try to run us aground work and we become wrecks. It is not easy to pick up pieces of a totaled vessel and rebuild but possible and accomplished daily.
Bro, being "scared" of people is not a liability, IMO. Not sure if scared is what one was reaching for but it sounds more like a deep distrust... which is warranted I do not think any rational being would argue that. Those who have their heads up their ass may not see the dangers about but from the half-century + I have been on this piece of space-dust there are quite a few about (pit-falls); the dangers are real.
Hey. Not much I can do other than "listen" and maybe offer some bs anecdote of lives past but the intent is quite real, friend.
Take some time.
Whatta ya wanna be doing next year around this time?
Best

 

[yubacity]

The only advice i can offer is look forward addicts like us that have come out of years of addiction have so many regrets but they been done we cant time travel. I was lucky in business a 60 000 pound investment set me up for life. I had a outside job that I did for herion money over 350 000 pounds I stop adding it up wasted on drugs but im lucky my wife and friendships have been intact. You have to learn to trust people again and being fucked over from your good pal has to hurt but fuck him don't let it turn you into a hermit. This way he fucking you over twice don't let him win. We all need human companionship but you have to get out into the world again. The world is full of cunts but also a lot of good people as well. Money helps greatly i always had gear in my drug safe but i also missed my oldest three kids growing up it was all a blurr . But only we can correct it you got to get out there bruv .Goodluck brother

 

[ADHDMY4SS]

Hey. Not much I can do other than "listen" and maybe offer some bs anecdote of lives past but the intent is quite real, friend.
Take some time.
Whatta ya wanna be doing next year around this time?
Best

Plastic is a good one lol. What do you call $10,000 a month on designer clothes that I don't even wear anywhere because I don't go anywhere besides back to the mall to go shopping again? Some real deal feminine shit IMO. Shopping for the fucking high of it. Def agree with you on the risk of me doing some crazy shit for my kid. I am a hot head loose cannon mofo as is. I don't let anyone get over on me anymore. If someone did ANYTHING to my child I would fucking come running locked n loaded. Or I would send someone. I am beyond protective. You nailed that one on the head. However, I would gladly take that risk and so many more to have a little guy (or gal), as long as they're healthy. I hope God one day blesses me with another opportunity because I literally killed the first one. Guard is on hyperdrive. Maybe too high. Appreciate the down to earth response brotha.

It is a little hard to look forward when forward is me, myself, and I. To answer your ? I am not much of a planner. I don't know where I want to be in a week. Away from this place. I guess. I'd surely be happy with a couple friends to just reach out to. Wouldn't care if I was dead broke. Friends. final answer.


And thanks for the kind words Yuba. @ the axe.. not so much bro. The money meant nothing then and means even less to me now. I didn't burn a hole in my bankroll spending 100k on oxies and bars and you fill in the blanks. I burned a fckn hole in my brain. I am not going to wake up one day and have gotten over murdering my own first child. Money? Sure. I have lost several hundred grand gambling. Sucks to wake up to but time definitely heals that wound. Throw in a break up as well and oxy WD's/cravings. Doesn't come close to the realm of abortion. Not something you just rub some dirt on and move forward, not to me at least. To each his own I guess.

Just reading a few replies whether on here I agree with them or not helps me significantly. Anybody's support, whether real life or online, means a lot to me. thank you all.

 

[yubacity]

Plastic is a good one lol. What do you call $10,000 a month on designer clothes that I don't even wear anywhere because I don't go anywhere besides back to the mall to go shopping again? Some real deal feminine shit IMO. Shopping for the fucking high of it. Def agree with you on the risk of me doing some crazy shit for my kid. I am a hot head loose cannon mofo as is. I don't let anyone get over on me anymore. If someone did ANYTHING to my child I would fucking come running locked n loaded. Or I would send someone. I am beyond protective. You nailed that one on the head. However, I would gladly take that risk and so many more to have a little guy (or gal), as long as they're healthy. I hope God one day blesses me with another opportunity because I literally killed the first one. Guard is on hyperdrive. Maybe too high. Appreciate the down to earth response brotha.

It is a little hard to look forward when forward is me, myself, and I. To answer your ? I am not much of a planner. I don't know where I want to be in a week. Away from this place. I guess. I'd surely be happy with a couple friends to just reach out to. Wouldn't care if I was dead broke. Friends. final answer.


And thanks for the kind words Yuba. @ the axe.. not so much bro. The money meant nothing then and means even less to me now. I didn't burn a hole in my bankroll spending 100k on oxies and bars and you fill in the blanks. I burned a fckn hole in my brain. I am not going to wake up one day and have gotten over murdering my own first child. Money? Sure. I have lost several hundred grand gambling. Sucks to wake up to but time definitely heals that wound. Throw in a break up as well and oxy WD's/cravings. Doesn't come close to the realm of abortion. Not something you just rub some dirt on and move forward, not to me at least. To each his own I guess.

Just reading a few replies whether on here I agree with them or not helps me significantly. Anybody's support, whether real life or online, means a lot to me. thank you all.

Listen bruv as a father of 4 I can't begin to feel the hurt and betrayal you feel over the abortion but your ex made that choice not you. Dont blame yourself for a choice she made. I think you should get professional help with it . If you keep that pain and hurt you could relapse and that will only add to your despair . One day god will bless you with a child but you not get the abortion you wanted the baby .

 

[ADHDMY4SS]

Listen bruv as a father of 4 I can't begin to feel the hurt and betrayal you feel over the abortion but your ex made that choice not you. Dont blame yourself for a choice she made. I think you should get professional help with it . If you keep that pain and hurt you could relapse and that will only add to your despair . One day god will bless you with a child but you not get the abortion you wanted the baby .

Nurture and take care of your family. You know much more than I do, that they are all we have. True. I tried to get help. Therapy, confession, I did. But I won't lie it still weighs on me heavily. I know it is ultimately both of our faults but half is enough for me to feel miserably scummy about myself. I will try not to hold onto these feelings by looking ahead. Thanks bro, god willing you are right and one day I actually have one.

@PtahTek I guess that is what I want. It is far too much to ask for considering my past, but a child and a wife. A purpose.

 

[yubacity]

My brother it the best feeling in the world a hug from your child makes even the worse day great. You will have it one day and brother when you get to hold your child in your arms for first time its a love like no other . And my wife a angel we been together since 15 30 years next year . You will see once you have it it means more then all the money in the world money cant buy that. You have got off the gear that a massive step in the right direction

 

[Jabberwocky]

My ex wife and I were married a very short time, she had an abortion, and we ended up divorcing. Everything was amicable, and we were in love with each other, but we had no business trying to get married and start a family with each other. She knew it before I did but I didn't listen to her. After all is said and done I can see now I could have avoided all of that if I listened to my ex that the whole idea was unrealistic.

I'm actually coming up on an anniversary. I have two teens now with my wife. You never know how things will work out - I dated both wives at the same time platonically for quite a while before I decided to try having a relationship with one of them, which I told the other before I even so much as kissed either of them. Like a bull in a China shop I tried to go from relationship to marriage and kids overnight. Being in love and being married with kids are two totally different things, there's no comparing them. My ex and I still check in every few years, but both our families kept us physically away from each other after I remarried. The occasional phone call or email is okay, but we haven't met in person for years, probably because I'm still attracted to her and can't be trusted

 

[ADHDMY4SS]

@yubacity thats badass man. Sounds like a dream come true. My mouth watered when you got to the hugging part . Screw money dude it means nothing. Thanks for the motivation to get where you are. Happy for you. Wishing you and yours well.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

Money only means nothing when you have it...

 

[Jabberwocky]

Using money to provide security for you and your family is a good thing, but providing security means doing things and creating an environment where your spouse feels secure emotionally with you.

 

[PtahTek]

It is far too much to ask for considering my past, but a child and a wife.

OK. Really shouldn't be too much to ask but is the one you were with the optimal candidate? Knowing we cannot control who we are *with (not really a beliver in this, but...) and have chirrens with I do know that some of the women I was with coming up that I wanted to wed/have a family with turned out to be just the opposite of what I pictured it to become. Not saying I am any "catch"... some things do happen for a reason, brother. Maybe more than we care to imagine as if it was everything it would drive me insane trying to figure out why I am tortured so, ya know? Fuck all, hahaha
Ahhhh, man. I feel for ya but ya gotta carry on. If this is what ya want... it will come. Stay open to it and lay in the cut. My advice? Do some house-cleaning and get to love yourself again before actively seeking a mate. If it happens along the way; oh, well, right? Biggest thing, IMO, is the becoming comfortable with oneself again. Otherwise shit's going to run amok and probability of user fatal error will be multiplied.
I'm not totally comfortable in my skin as my issues persists. Looking back, though, 4-5 years ago I was at a very unstable state. Not sure how to put it into words ATM but let's say I wasn't "me". Something had derailed and at an all time low... very low. Couldn't get right.
The last few years have been a few of the best of my life for my mental well being. It was a lot of work, sacrifice and determination. As admitted I am still me in every sense and self-destuct is still there, too... just in a less often and at a smaller-ish dose.
First thing I had to do was figure out what was a symptom of any/all withdrawals and make sure this would not be a contributing factor to my fucked up headspace. So, cessation of *drugs and the resulting wds and madness of them... wish I woulda know about tapering then but it is common-sense so thats on me. I do not pretend to know what is going on, how or why, OK? I just know that I feel free and in *control of my usage and the self-loathing that can come from using/abusing them or the stopping thereof.
I am getting a bit off track atm... will be back.
Like looking in a mirror at my alter broke ass self.

 

[PtahTek]

Oh... been with the same person for 25+ years; don't know how she still puts up with me.
No children but 4 1/2 yrs twin grandchildren from her son that are half thai half causcasian. Been around them and they amaze me. She wants to move closer to them and I am OK with it. I just wanna move and it really doesn't matter where.
I get the love... just never had one and think that maybe it would give me something to help grow-up. This never seemed to help a few "friends" from school days. I do not think this is a valid argument to have a child, either.

 

[yubacity]

Money only means nothing when you have it...

I think people who born into money are the ones who don't think much of it. If like me who worked for a living before getting lucky in buisness I will always thank God how good I have it now. Never let it go to my head still send my kids to state schools never want them to think they better then anyone or to be snobs.

 

[deficiT]

I know I've definitely spent thousands on my addiction, thousands that I really shouldn't have spared. I'm kind of recovering from that right now. But you're right, the money hardly matters. It's the isolation I've felt and the wreckage of my personal life that is the real hard thing to get over. It is difficult, but it's a positive thing that you are venting and reaching out for support, so that is a start. My inbox is always open if you ever need someone to rant to.

 

[ADHDMY4SS]

Hey.

I saw your post a little earlier this week and wanted to reply but figured I'd think real nice before giving you my input (and then I couldn't find the post this morning but remembered the Ferrari so used that as a search term and hey presto here I am! Lol!).

Your post resonated (I actually dislike that term intensely but people use it so going with the flow here) with me due to similar sounding circumstances (although as I've said this morning in another post: doesn't help does it that two people have similar problems i.e. doesn't change the issues for either of them but, who know, maybe it makes them see things in a different light and feel a little better. Dunno.).

I cannot really give you any input on the abortion issue. But your situation was definitely different from mine i.e. in my case it was the best thing that could have happened (not that I encouraged it but I didn't discourage it either i.e. the relationship was already on the rocks at the time and having the possibility of a permanent tie with the other person involved at the time didn't thrill me one little bit and would have for sure ended up in much heartache and a total disaster).

But on the money and friends bit: I get you. Even the amount of our "losses" are pretty similar! Lol! I too was done in by a friend. And I lost a lot on the stock market during the financial crisis 2007-2008. But I was able to recover nice and went back to a nice comfortable life with nice things, nice cars, a bit extravagant at times on hobbies and "things", entertainment, you get the picture. No point in going into fine detail but let's just say that it's all gone now (had to sell the lot to survive) due to a business deal that went pear shaped early last year and then COVID-19 putting the final nail in the coffin. And I do mean ALL gone. Now unlike you: I'm not alone i.e. got back with my girlfriend (for probably the one hundredth time i.e. one of THOSE relationships! Lol!) just before these lockdowns started and had an idea for recovery but it's become apparent my plan is not going to work out so this is as good as it gets (and believe me she was a lot nice person when I had a seven figure bank account! Lol!). Without being nasty what I'm saying to you is this: fuck everybody. You came into money (I didn't i.e. had to work for it but that irrelevant and makes no difference for the purposes of this discussion). Enjoy it. Enjoy the things that you can do and the things that you can buy and the opportunities that it buys you. And fuck everyone else. Because I'll tell you something now for sure: if you think you're miserable now being on your own just try being on your own AND broke. That gives new meaning to the word misery I promise you. Especially if you're used to a certain lifestyle and the freedom and opportunity that "things" afford you. Find a hobby. Throw as much at it as you like. And if it at some point doesn't work for you then try something else. But enjoy what you have even to the point of being selfish with it if needs be. I know what it's like to have lots of money and lots of "things" and lots of SUPPOSED friends (who oddly enough seem to disappear real quick when you can no longer foot the $1 000 bill for lunch and drinks) and I also know what it's like to have absolutely fuck all and being in a position of not being able to be the man of the house and take care of things (and be constantly reminded of this). Give me the money and the "things" any fucking day of the week thank you!

I'll leave you with this (old saying and joke):

I'd rather cry on my own in the back seat of a Maybach than with someone in the front seat of a Volkswagen Beetle.

(By the way: original version was "the back seat of a Rolls-Royce i.e. I'm just a Mercedes guy is all! Lol!).

thanks for the advice bro.
not really a big deal but for what it's worth, I made all mine. I worked my ass off. 85 hour weeks. slave labor status. worked in an environment that developed some srs agoraphobia for me that has lasted well past the xanax adderall vyvanse and, the fucking oxies. you probably misunderstood me because I said I ran into it and my age, don't blame you.

I get what you're saying. I came up with nothing. parents strived to get the bills paid. kept improving slowly but we were broke for a long time.

numerous business ventures, and scams i had to endure, till one finally took off flying thank god.

as hard as it was to finally not lose money, let alone make some, i would still, anyday, even without the abortion go back to my broke-r days just because i had a few more relationships then. my gf was with me back then too. she actually left me once because she found out that my business wasn't making as much as i said it was (but i was still paying for everything) and I wouldn't say because it was a pride thing and it was part of the scam that i went to court for. anyways she found out one day. drove to my store 30 mins from her home. walks in tells me she found out and literally walks out on me. I will never forget that pain. forgave her, more than that, begged her essentially for another chance later on even though I watched her do what she did and knew why she did it.

I am not denying what you're saying by any means. then again, my version of alone and yours are two different things. after ending my relationship I have one friend left that I see a few times a week. we dont text much. in other words truly, truly alone. my dog is my best friend. thankful for him too.

trying to stay positive and do the hw my therapist gave me. wish you well and I hope you find your fortune again one day soon.

my fav quote ever from my fav movie ever btw:

two actually this one seemed super fitting -

• Money isn't real, George. It doesn't matter. It only seems like it does.
• Sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust, and when you're up, it's never as good as it seems, and when you're down, you never think you'll be up again, but life goes on.

right now i seriously with my all think i won't be up again. but I was worse yesterday. i guess. so depleted.

thanks all. btw i wouldn't ever get a maybach, involves being driven by someone else (not a car you drive yourself), not my thing haha

 

[ADHDMY4SS]

Oh... been with the same person for 25+ years; don't know how she still puts up with me.
No children but 4 1/2 yrs twin grandchildren from her son that are half thai half causcasian. Been around them and they amaze me. She wants to move closer to them and I am OK with it. I just wanna move and it really doesn't matter where.
I get the love... just never had one and think that maybe it would give me something to help grow-up. This never seemed to help a few "friends" from school days. I do not think this is a valid argument to have a child, either.

glad you've recovered mainly! lol you're not broke stop it.
i keep reading advice to love myself again. not sure how that works or how I get there. assuming eating healthy and taking care of myself and working out and meditating.
you sound like a great person. not sure why anyone wouldn't want to put up with you.

 

[ADHDMY4SS]

Hello.

Lovely honest and open post. Thanks.

Are we having a competition here? Lol! Trust me: I'm just as alone. I cut out the only real friend (thirty years worth) last year when I started running into financial shit and she wasn't prepared to lift a finger to help just to buy me some time (and this after me GIVING, not LENDING, but GIVING her money at least three times when she was in trouble over those thirty years). And she had the money. If nothing else: it would have saved my car (and in this country you are fucked without your own transport especially when it comes to white collar jobs). Other than that: I lost my dog almost a year ago. She was my life (and I don't give a shit who thinks that's odd either) as was her brother who I lost two years before that. Both losses from which I know I will never recover and one of the reasons I actually don't give a flying fuck about too much anymore. I guess on that score and similarly you're right: one of the reasons I've lost my mojo is because I know that it doesn't matter how much money I may make I can never go back to having them nor can I rewind my age and start over and be the same person. Age plays a part too i.e. sometimes enough is just enough and you don't have the energy that you used to have. True: I live with my girlfriend. But as things stand now: it's nothing more than having just another body in the house in interact with in the mornings and a little at night (she has a job) (but which I will admit makes a very big difference from being TOTALLY alone so I do get you on that point). For the most part: I sit and stare at four walls each day all day and post on these forums hoping to at least try do some good. It's certainly not a life and it most certainly cannot carry on for much longer i.e. sooner rather than later I'm going to have to draw that proverbial line in the sand.

Anyway. Thanks for your kind words and, once again, your response. Look like to me you'll get your shit together soon enough. And I sincerely hope that's the case without even knowing you. Me: truth be told I'm kinda spent and done (even although, apparently, I've not lost my sense of humor). As I noted on another thread somewhere: these forums are what get me out of bed in the morning at the moment otherwise I'd probably not bother.

But yeh. Having the same or similar problems changes nothing really. Does discussing things with others REALLY help or change things? My jury is still out on this point! Lol!

But take care. You'll note that I've not even mentioned your relationship or girlfriend as I know nothing about her. But I do need to say that from just the little you've said: she doesn't come across as having the most caring and supportive and understanding type (but as I said: I know nothing about her and I hope this comment does not offend i.e. it is meant with the best of intentions).

'Cmon now. I have read countless stories of people who's lives didn't even really start until they were 60+. (homeless to 100million-billionaire status) sure money isn't the point.......... but when you have a B in front of your net worth, sorry not sorry, it is ( i am the biggest hypocrite you've ever heard of)
Don't count yourself out. That quote tattoed my brain so damn much because it's so true. Life indefinitely will go on when you least expect it.

Yes. Same here. These forums mean a lot to me. Whether it is reading about someone else's problems and trying to offer advice, or posting on your own. A majority of the people on BL go against my generalization of humanity. They are good hearted folks. Some stupid sure, but people that sound caring, selfless, and want to better themselves. Salute to you all. I wouldn't get out of bed some days without it either... however, I only go on from bed lol. although they are not real life interactions, i'll take what I can get. tbh I would gladly pay to use this site if any devs are reading this.

Wish you well. Have a good wknd!

 

[Fiori di Bella]

I’m an agoraphobic so I get what you’re saying about the loneliness. I back out of plans I have with friends about 40% of the time so in my case, my loneliness is of my own making. And I’m definitely reserved about making new friends. PM me if you feel like talking about it.