I can't do this anymore- Fear and Loathing

[Harmredux]

For the first time in about 3-4 years my scripts ran out 5 days early and tomorrow I have a tiny bit of prescription opium tincture left then nothing till between Wed-Fri. I have a family- 2 young kids, full time job. But for at least 2 days a month I am sick or about to be, my wife keeps my meds locked up (so I took up lock picking- effing addict mentality). For the most part I need about 40% of what I take for spine reconstruction, but I can't tell you how SO SICK I AM OF THIS. I feel like when I am amped up on oxy I am "super dad" always spending my time convincing my kids to do stuff, getting into projects, hobbies, work... but I want off.
I don't think I can do inpatient. I'm spoiled, germaphobe, couldn't live down the "shame".
Never bought anything illegal, never been in trouble, but my do prescribes me about 1200mg Oxy, 1800mg Hydro, and 700ml opium per month. I need some of that for pain but am too selfish, self-absorbed, to even taper.
I don't need to be told what a POS I am- I am in the calm before the storm and already in bed just from anxiety of what's to come.

NA meetings are still shut down, went to a bunch of those.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Bought OPMS liquid kratom after taking last 60mg oxy today.
I'm scared, and I don't know what to do to even start a new direction.

 

[deficiT]

For the first time in about 3-4 years my scripts ran out 5 days early and tomorrow I have a tiny bit of prescription opium tincture left then nothing till between Wed-Fri. I have a family- 2 young kids, full time job. But for at least 2 days a month I am sick or about to be, my wife keeps my meds locked up (so I took up lock picking- effing addict mentality). For the most part I need about 40% of what I take for spine reconstruction, but I can't tell you how SO SICK I AM OF THIS. I feel like when I am amped up on oxy I am "super dad" always spending my time convincing my kids to do stuff, getting into projects, hobbies, work... but I want off.
I don't think I can do inpatient. I'm spoiled, germaphobe, couldn't live down the "shame".
Never bought anything illegal, never been in trouble, but my do prescribes me about 1200mg Oxy, 1800mg Hydro, and 700ml opium per month. I need some of that for pain but am too selfish, self-absorbed, to even taper.
I don't need to be told what a POS I am- I am in the calm before the storm and already in bed just from anxiety of what's to come.

NA meetings are still shut down, went to a bunch of those.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Bought OPMS liquid kratom after taking last 60mg oxy today.
I'm scared, and I don't know what to do to even start a new direction.

Hang in there friend. You're not a POS, as far as I know anyway If you are about to go into bad withdrawal and have no other options I definitely suggest at least getting some more of that OPMS liquid kratom if that is available to you.

NA meetings might be shut down but there are lots of people you can talk to on BL, going through various stages of recovery. Don't be afraid to reach out to any of us.

 

[Harmredux]

Thanks- I want so bad off this ride, I know I need something stronger than Advil sometimes, but my brain is hijacked.

I can't find a therapist worth shit- i want to try CBT, but even the ones that claim they treat addicition have been worthless to me.

And then comes next wed, thu, or Friday and it starts all over with a new script

 

[deficiT]

Thanks- I want so bad off this ride, I know I need something stronger than Advil sometimes, but my brain is hijacked.

I can't find a therapist worth shit- i want to try CBT, but even the ones that claim they treat addicition have been worthless to me.

And then comes next wed, thu, or Friday and it starts all over with a new script

Sounds like you have legit need for pain relief, just might want to dial it back a couple notches.

It's tough to find a good therapist. I have been to literally dozens, only saw two of them for an extended amount of time. They were both beautiful, intelligent women though, not sure if there's any correlation

Although I also liked this old dude I used to see when I was going through my meltdown. It takes time to find a good one

 

[Harmredux]

Sounds like you have legit need for pain relief, just might want to dial it back a couple notches.

It's tough to find a good therapist. I have been to literally dozens, only saw two of them for an extended amount of time. They were both beautiful, intelligent women though, not sure if there's any correlation

Although I also liked this old dude I used to see when I was going through my meltdown. It takes time to find a good one

I just posted on a thread from 5 years ago I need to find a REAL cognitive behavioral therapist.
I don't know what else to do, my brain is hacked at this point.

 

[sekio]

One of my favourite charts (The League table Of Analgesic Efficacy) actually indicates that adding either acetaminophen or a NSAID to your opioids can make a pretty major difference. For any sort of inflammation I see nothing to lose by doing this.

 

[Harmredux]

Thanks but I get 1800mg a a acetaminophen with what I am prescribed in the norco (6 daily) and there is 120 oxy on top of that 60× 1800mg.
Overtreatment is a bitch, but now I am stuck.
I got there after 10 years climbing little by little.
I don't blame my doc, it's legit what I am used to now.
How to deal with pain while tapering is the big mystery.
I am HOPING there is an infection in the titanium spine they gave me that's causing this 10 years later

 

[Harmredux]

Right now I am not even feeling dope sick- I can't sleep from pain and that's with like 70 mg valium today (not a fan of the stuff, used as needed, never recreationally).

 

[sekio]

Adding a NSAID is still worth a try, it is acceptable to take both tylenol and an NSAID concurrently if it controls your pain

 

[Harmredux]

Thanks- I added ibuprofen and Aleve and it helped a little.
I slept from 2am-8 so no real complaints there. Took 50mg tincture which equals about 50mg opium with all the natural alkaloids at 6am when I first got up with WD symptoms, and just took a OPMS liquid kratom shot which should keep me out of serious WD for most of the day.

The problem is I can (mostly) repeat this for the next 4-6 days until I get scripts filled, but this is obviously a cycle and it's not all recreation. I need someone to help me separate the 2- and then once I am on appropriate dosages, losing a couple pounds, getting cognitive behavorial therapy will probably help.

I have tried so many times to find CBT therapy and either the dr.s are lying or I am confused about what it is, because I gave it between 2-15 sessions with a half dozen or more dr.s over the years and it's either just plain old talk therapy or a nutty psychiatrist trying to throw meds at me- I REFUSE to get on another med with a dr. I don't know and trust well. Seen too much wreckage from those meds.