Letting go of drugs and truly being sober...

[Jabberwocky]

I'm in my 30s now and for 20 years I can count the number of days I've been truly sober on one hand...

I've been a pot head, an alcoholic, a heroin addict, a meth freak, a pill head, a psychonaut.... I've been addicted to everything at one point and have never really experienced true sobriety for over half my life, and the first half I was just a baby...

I don't know why I have such a hard time completely letting go of altered mental states. I can get off the drugs easy enough... but I have a really hard time letting go of alcohol - especially if I'm not using other drugs... it's like I need SOMETHING... no matter what it is.

I have no problem waking up and going to work and being sober all day... but god damn if I don't have ANYTHING to alter my mind at the end of the day I completely panic.

And I've spent 10 complete months in non-voluntary inpatient rehabs in my life... I know exactly what to do in the situation - but I can't.

I can abstain from all other drugs but I still need at least a 6-pack of beer at night (and that often isn't enough)...

I feel like I'm trapped for life, following in the footsteps of my alcoholic father who is surprisingly still alive (he drinks WAY more than me).

Fuck man... thanks for letting me vent

 

[goodjunkie]

I feel the same way bro im 29 and apart from the times spent in jail I have never been sober.
and im very curious of what it would be like to be completeley d&a free what life would be like but cant even do a week without.
i think gotta try replace it with exercise and healthy food. Exercise deffinetely has something to do with it , that was the only thing keeping me sane when i had no access to anything.
it can really give you a bit of a high/moodlift. ... but still.. there is a massive void to fill

 

[Jabberwocky]

And I've spent 10 complete months in non-voluntary inpatient rehabs in my life... I know exactly what to do in the situation - but I can't.

Did any of those rehab months cover CBT and mindfulness? Learning to quiet your mind and change your thoughts consciously? I’ve had 30 plus years on getting fucked up on one thing or another and that’s what really helped me manage being sober (not that I’m perfect at it).

 

[nznity]

I'm in my 30s now and for 20 years I can count the number of days I've been truly sober on one hand...

I've been a pot head, an alcoholic, a heroin addict, a meth freak, a pill head, a psychonaut.... I've been addicted to everything at one point and have never really experienced true sobriety for over half my life, and the first half I was just a baby...

I don't know why I have such a hard time completely letting go of altered mental states. I can get off the drugs easy enough... but I have a really hard time letting go of alcohol - especially if I'm not using other drugs... it's like I need SOMETHING... no matter what it is.

I have no problem waking up and going to work and being sober all day... but god damn if I don't have ANYTHING to alter my mind at the end of the day I completely panic.

And I've spent 10 complete months in non-voluntary inpatient rehabs in my life... I know exactly what to do in the situation - but I can't.

I can abstain from all other drugs but I still need at least a 6-pack of beer at night (and that often isn't enough)...

I feel like I'm trapped for life, following in the footsteps of my alcoholic father who is surprisingly still alive (he drinks WAY more than me).

Fuck man... thanks for letting me vent

I can relate to your history man, i was in NON voluntary rehabs 3 times and a psych ward once for 45 days. I was a stupid reckless 19 year old kid when this road to misery and agony started. Through the years my abuse has decreased lil by lil until now. I'm 26 years old now, i was able to drop everything except the needle, morphine grabbed by the balls very fucking hard. I'm 15 days clean today from everything for the first time in 8 years and it feels great to say the least, I'm taking one day at a time, Don't you have any hobbies? Stuff that you were into before drugs? Music for example? Weight lifting? You have to spend your time doing other things. For example i've reconnected with music, i'm downloading alot of techno tracks lately and it feels great for me. You have to stay busy man otherwise those "using" thoughts are gonna overwhelm you and you'll keep indulging. Hope that helps a bit man, Stay safe.

 

[deficiT]

I'm in my 30s now and for 20 years I can count the number of days I've been truly sober on one hand...

I've been a pot head, an alcoholic, a heroin addict, a meth freak, a pill head, a psychonaut.... I've been addicted to everything at one point and have never really experienced true sobriety for over half my life, and the first half I was just a baby...

I don't know why I have such a hard time completely letting go of altered mental states. I can get off the drugs easy enough... but I have a really hard time letting go of alcohol - especially if I'm not using other drugs... it's like I need SOMETHING... no matter what it is.

I have no problem waking up and going to work and being sober all day... but god damn if I don't have ANYTHING to alter my mind at the end of the day I completely panic.

And I've spent 10 complete months in non-voluntary inpatient rehabs in my life... I know exactly what to do in the situation - but I can't.

I can abstain from all other drugs but I still need at least a 6-pack of beer at night (and that often isn't enough)...

I feel like I'm trapped for life, following in the footsteps of my alcoholic father who is surprisingly still alive (he drinks WAY more than me).

Fuck man... thanks for letting me vent

A lot of us have similar stories. I also had an alcoholic father, although no longer with us in part due to alcohol use. I had a hard time letting go of booze when I was younger, but now that I've grown a little, it just makes me feel like shit and I'll only use it in social situations.

But at the same time, I haven't had any luck with the "complete abstinence" thing either for very long. I like to to think I am getting better at managing myself and my addiction, but still suffer pitfalls occasionally. It's a difficult road to walk and I applaud anyone walking it. It really is one day at a time, and sometimes one thing at a time. Keep moving forward and making progress, that's all you can do. Best of luck, you're always good to vent here and my PM's always open.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i think gotta try replace it with exercise and healthy food. Exercise deffinetely has something to do with it , that was the only thing keeping me sane when i had no access to anything.
it can really give you a bit of a high/moodlift. ... but still.. there is a massive void to fill

You're right man, I used to love running... getting that elusive runners high... but either way when you're done running you're too exhausted to want drugs. I need to get off my lazy ass again.

Did any of those rehab months cover CBT and mindfulness? Learning to quiet your mind and change your thoughts consciously? I’ve had 30 plus years on getting fucked up on one thing or another and that’s what really helped me manage being sober (not that I’m perfect at it).

Absolutely... I remember fucking hating that shit at the time, but I always knew that it actually worked. Things like meditation and mindfulness - they work - if YOU work it. Last time I tried it I had horrible HPPD and meditation basically just equated to a horrible introspective trip... but I've recovered from that and I need to incorporate that again. I actually believe in it. Alan watts type shit!

I can relate to your history man, i was in NON voluntary rehabs 3 times and a psych ward once for 45 days. I was a stupid reckless 19 year old kid when this road to misery and agony started. Through the years my abuse has decreased lil by lil until now. I'm 26 years old now, i was able to drop everything except the needle, morphine grabbed by the balls very fucking hard. I'm 15 days clean today from everything for the first time in 8 years and it feels great to say the least, I'm taking one day at a time, Don't you have any hobbies? Stuff that you were into before drugs? Music for example? Weight lifting? You have to spend your time doing other things. For example i've reconnected with music, i'm downloading alot of techno tracks lately and it feels great for me. You have to stay busy man otherwise those "using" thoughts are gonna overwhelm you and you'll keep indulging. Hope that helps a bit man, Stay safe.

Thanks man, shit... I remember spending my 17th birthday in a psych ward. They baked me a cake and everything, and I had to share it with all those other fucking crazy looney werewolf bastards. I'll never forget that shit. This one kid was always freaking the fuck out and the guys in the white suits would hold him down and stick him with the booty juice. Hobbies? Shit man, you really made me think. I was actually a very promising chess player at one point, was even on a 5 man team that won 2nd place at the big national tournament. A few weeks later I was ditching chess tournaments half way through to get high on heroin. I love music and such, but shit.... I do need some new hobbies

A lot of us have similar stories. I also had an alcoholic father, although no longer with us in part due to alcohol use. I had a hard time letting go of booze when I was younger, but now that I've grown a little, it just makes me feel like shit and I'll only use it in social situations.

Yeah man, I'm sorry. My dad doesn't have very much longer... I'm surprised he's still here. He started having obvious signs of liver failure 6 years ago - which he would describe to me in denial that it was alcohol - but it's so obvious when you read the symptoms and signs. He still drinks like usual, and is well into his 60s... I've never really had a connection with him, but something in me feels like when he is gone a part of me will be gone, no matter how distant we were...

Thank you all for your replies, I truly appreciate it! You've boosted my morale and given me focus again. I reached out to the local AA groups here, but unfortunately they're all shut down and meeting online over voice chats and shit (which to me isn't AA, that's some farce)

 

[deficiT]

Yeah man, I'm sorry. My dad doesn't have very much longer... I'm surprised he's still here. He started having obvious signs of liver failure 6 years ago - which he would describe to me in denial that it was alcohol - but it's so obvious when you read the symptoms and signs. He still drinks like usual, and is well into his 60s... I've never really had a connection with him, but something in me feels like when he is gone a part of me will be gone, no matter how distant we were...

Thank you all for your replies, I truly appreciate it! You've boosted my morale and given me focus again. I reached out to the local AA groups here, but unfortunately they're all shut down and meeting online over voice chats and shit (which to me isn't AA, that's some farce)

Yeah, my father's death was more of a sudden thing he was only 43. On one hand I cherish the fact that he passed suddenly/accidentally and never got to the point of destroying his organs/mind. And on the other I wish he had the chance to get right w/ his life and his family. He was a good man, like many alcoholics, but still had things he needed to repair before departing.

Definitely make peace with your father and cherish his presence while you can, I know it's gotta be a difficult process to witness though.

AA would be good I'm sure and I wish the pandemic wasn't shutting down so many peoples options for recovery. But bare minimum, you at least have us on BL in the recovery forums to bullshit and vent to, and I'm glad you did.

Sometimes that's all we need to realign and get back into a better headspace.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Definitely make peace with your father and cherish his presence while you can, I know it's gotta be a difficult process to witness though.

The hard part is I really don't know how...

The childhood memories I have of him, for example, are me going to a basketball tournament, he took me there - I score a basket - and he isn't in the stands. Later in life he told me it's because he left to go drink wine at the local cafe while I played.

Lately, older in my life, he sometimes calls me completely drunk, crying, telling me how he failed as a father and how much he loves me... and I don't know how to react. It obviously weighs on his heart a lot... and I can tell... but I don't know how to respond or react.

Part of me is resentful, part of me sees myself in him, part of me wants to punch him in his face and part of me wants to just love him and be father and son again....

Shit man... I used to be a big fan of Wayne Dyer (self help guy, Tao master, similar to Anthony Robbins - but more spiritual). He describes the same situation with his father - yet he only made peace with him standing over his grave.

Its hard to even talk to him, because he can't talk to me unless he's drunk.

I guess I have daddy problems lol

 

[deficiT]

The hard part is I really don't know how...

The childhood memories I have of him, for example, are me going to a basketball tournament, he took me there - I score a basket - and he isn't in the stands. Later in life he told me it's because he left to go drink wine at the local cafe while I played.

Lately, older in my life, he sometimes calls me completely drunk, crying, telling me how he failed as a father and how much he loves me... and I don't know how to react. It obviously weighs on his heart a lot... and I can tell... but I don't know how to respond or react.

Part of me is resentful, part of me sees myself in him, part of me wants to punch him in his face and part of me wants to just love him and be father and son again....

Shit man... I used to be a big fan of Wayne Dyer (self help guy, Tao master, similar to Anthony Robbins - but more spiritual). He describes the same situation with his father - yet he only made peace with him standing over his grave.

Its hard to even talk to him, because he can't talk to me unless he's drunk.

I guess I have daddy problems lol

I can relate. I have a hard time dealing with my biological mother, who never took care of me as a child, and even after my father passed, it took me becoming an adult and getting a car and visiting her myself to even see her. These days it seems I am just waiting for her to pass, because I know it is coming soon. I dread her calls because we've never been able to relate, but they have gotten better and I am just talking to her for my own benefit I believe.

 

[Shady's Fox]

It's all about finding something else in life. If you don't have control over your own life then you will drown in your own irony. No boats.

 

[jhjhsdi]

OP and deficiT both your stories are similar to mine.
I just hate being sober. Not sure why. I started on weed around the age of 12 and I'm 32 now and my longest time sober was probably the month I spent in rehab
My old man's a bad alcoholic too. And he takes benzos and opiates every day alongside other painkillers. And smokes weed. I feel like he doesn't have long either. The whites of his eyes are way yellow now.
He lives alone, doesn't work and is unhappy and I don't want to end up like him, but can't seem to help the direction I'm going atm.
I have good and bad periods, at the moment I seem to be on a semi-bad one, I am working and 'holding it together', but I'm lying to my parents and friends about my use and how I feel, I'm not really looking after myself and I'm spending all my money and time drinking and shooting up K on the weekend :/