Please god help me

[Luminaria]

I can't really take this anymore. It's all too much. Living is too much. Everything hurts too bad. It's been hurting for as long as I can remember and I wish it would stop. I really don't want to keep going. But I don't want to say goodbye to my mom or girlfriend yet. There's lots to do and I want to see my mom succeed in her endeavors but I don't want to face tomorrow.

I don't wanna go to work tomorrow. My coworkers are all so angry. Anger is too much for me. being in an environment like that is scary. But if I quit, what if my girlfriend kicks me out. She said she would be really disappointed in me if I quit without having a new jobto go to. I don't want her to get angry at me. She said if I leave and go back to live with my mom she wouldn't let me come back. But no one wants to hire me, not even as a bagger or whatver the fuck at the grocery store. I promise I'mnot worthless. I'm a good worker. I don't wanna be homeless again. I could do it anywhere, but not here. It's too hot. I don't want responsibilities anymore.i don't want therapy anymore, nor the lexapro, anything. what do I do. i can't do it anymore

gotta shower but my heart feels chained down

 

[Luminaria]

i wish my dad was still alive. he'd probably help me. maybe. but he didn't want a daughter, he wanted a son. he'd always look down on me so it's hard to say.i just want that kinda guidance a parent can give you...

 

[MountainTrails]

Is something going on that caused the current feelings? You just got a car, and things were seeming good ... ?

 

[Luminaria]

Is something going on that caused the current feelings? You just got a car, and things were seeming good ... ?

I keep getting yelled at at work and i really want it to stop. they just see me as slow. maybe I am but i'm trying my best damnit. It just seems like something I can never escape.

My mental sttate goes up and down too fast.

 

[Shady's Fox]

Don't be an emotional sandwich, don't be an emotional tampoo. All these bite back in a way or another, more or less. Life's repetitive. If you bury that then you have nothing to worry about. You have to get used to this routine, there's nothing special out there. I say it as it is, you know. Readin the previous posts you stated that you got a car, right? which means you have a driving license, you can try Uber, it's an easy job. Remember there's nothing's sweet to work out there so try and figure out what's buggin you. As I can see your honesty, I say this. Wait until paycheck then move out. After you move out, leave your girlfriend. If she can't bare the up's and down's of life, that means she doesn't know herself and she just another typical energetic vampire waiting to dry you out. She will not survive with that behaviour, it's childish. My advice, if they don't give anything useful then leave'em behind. Sometimes family is just the same blood, nothing more. You're your own friend, remember that till dawn of time. Your own temple. You have to know their psychology, what they hide under certain words? How they said those words? all of that, you know. Isn't much thinking, it's a basic survival tool. Without that you will sink. No boat, no ocean, just the fantasy ocean you've created and maybe they did it on purpose, maybe they wanna see you fail but they laugh with you and they say something else but they think something else. Don't take a shower, take a bath. Relax, put on some music -- eat something you like, watch a comedy. Try and get yourself outta this butthole, you're your own arhitect. You will escape, all these events aren't new as nothing is -- and many people out there are currently going through this because that's life, pain makes life beautiful.

 

[MountainTrails]

I feel for you, man. Just not sure what to say, honestly. I've been depressed and down in the black hole where nothing is possible and everything is hopeless, but somehow I always found my way out. Walks help me a lot. Taking a moment to enjoy some natural thing -- a stream, a flower, looking upward at a blue sky beyond the tree leaves -- those all de-stress me.

 

[Shady's Fox]

Or browse some aesthetics. And I do agree with the user above, nature it's the most vital thing out there. I say this because this one also applies to me, I hate artificial places.

 

[mal3volent]

I can't really take this anymore. It's all too much. Living is too much. Everything hurts too bad. It's been hurting for as long as I can remember and I wish it would stop. I really don't want to keep going. But I don't want to say goodbye to my mom or girlfriend yet. There's lots to do and I want to see my mom succeed in her endeavors but I don't want to face tomorrow.

I don't wanna go to work tomorrow. My coworkers are all so angry. Anger is too much for me. being in an environment like that is scary. But if I quit, what if my girlfriend kicks me out. She said she would be really disappointed in me if I quit without having a new jobto go to. I don't want her to get angry at me. She said if I leave and go back to live with my mom she wouldn't let me come back. But no one wants to hire me, not even as a bagger or whatver the fuck at the grocery store. I promise I'mnot worthless. I'm a good worker. I don't wanna be homeless again. I could do it anywhere, but not here. It's too hot. I don't want responsibilities anymore.i don't want therapy anymore, nor the lexapro, anything. what do I do. i can't do it anymore

gotta shower but my heart feels chained down

If you are in this much pain and your girlfriend is threatening to leave you if you want to relieve yourself of that...is she really looking out for you? Or does she just not want to be inconvenienced?

it's your personal business, I'm just saying.

 

[Luminaria]

Don't be an emotional sandwich, don't be an emotional tampoo. [snip] You will escape, all these events aren't new as nothing is -- and many people out there are currently going through this because that's life, pain makes life beautiful.

I'll need a little bit more time than my next paycheck if i decide to leave, but i understand what you mean. and thank you... i'll keep climbing and building to try and stay afloat.

I feel for you, man. Just not sure what to say, honestly. I've been depressed and down in the black hole where nothing is possible and everything is hopeless, but somehow I always found my way out. Walks help me a lot. Taking a moment to enjoy some natural thing -- a stream, a flower, looking upward at a blue sky beyond the tree leaves -- those all de-stress me.

Or browse some aesthetics. And I do agree with the user above, nature it's the most vital thing out there. I say this because this one also applies to me, I hate artificial places.

Ahh... I miss going out for walks so much. I'm truly at my happiest when I'm able to be outside and exploring all day. Back a few years ago when I wasn't able to work or go to school, I would get up in the mornings and be out walking until dusk. If I have water and some food money I'm good to go, haha. But what really sucks is that right now i'm living in one of the hottest cities in the US. the heat and humidity combo is going to kill me. I'm gonna have to start going out for walks in the early, early mornings before the sun starts coming up.

If you are in this much pain and your girlfriend is threatening to leave you if you want to relieve yourself of that...is she really looking out for you? Or does she just not want to be inconvenienced?

it's your personal business, I'm just saying.

I've been thinking about that... She's beautiful and intelligent beyond words, but. she can be really cold. She said herself that she tends to score low in emotional intelligence and empathy in those online personality tests. That she used to be even more cold and emotionally distant before we met. I won't lie - at times it feels like she only started dating me because she saw someone broken and thought she could fix them. That maybe she sees me more as a project rather than a lover. Now I can't help but wonder if she realizes that she took on a project too big for her. i recall her saying something like "When you first moved down here, I was getting frustrated that you were taking so long to (work towards getting a certification in a career path that she chose for me, not one that I ever wanted (which I got and now have a job in)). But I didn't know your depression was that bad and you needed that much time to collect yourself".

Logically I should move out, but man. we click in so many unique ways. i don't want to lose her. she's a wonderful person when she isn't getting irrationally angry over whatever small issue or inconvenience. i'm too soft and she's too rough, i guess. my issue is that i tend to give people too many chances. Now, back in my previous living situation, since forever. "Maybe (name) will evaluate their words and actions and turn around". "Everything will be fine if/when (name) changes". etc. Ack.

 

[mal3volent]

I'll need a little bit more time than my next paycheck if i decide to leave, but i understand what you mean. and thank you... i'll keep climbing and building to try and stay afloat.





Ahh... I miss going out for walks so much. I'm truly at my happiest when I'm able to be outside and exploring all day. Back a few years ago when I wasn't able to work or go to school, I would get up in the mornings and be out walking until dusk. If I have water and some food money I'm good to go, haha. But what really sucks is that right now i'm living in one of the hottest cities in the US. the heat and humidity combo is going to kill me. I'm gonna have to start going out for walks in the early, early mornings before the sun starts coming up.



I've been thinking about that... She's beautiful and intelligent beyond words, but. she can be really cold. She said herself that she tends to score low in emotional intelligence and empathy in those online personality tests. That she used to be even more cold and emotionally distant before we met. I won't lie - at times it feels like she only started dating me because she saw someone broken and thought she could fix them. That maybe she sees me more as a project rather than a lover. Now I can't help but wonder if she realizes that she took on a project too big for her. i recall her saying something like "When you first moved down here, I was getting frustrated that you were taking so long to (work towards getting a certification in a career path that she chose for me, not one that I ever wanted (which I got and now have a job in)). But I didn't know your depression was that bad and you needed that much time to collect yourself".

Logically I should move out, but man. we click in so many unique ways. i don't want to lose her. she's a wonderful person when she isn't getting irrationally angry over whatever small issue or inconvenience. i'm too soft and she's too rough, i guess. my issue is that i tend to give people too many chances. Now, back in my previous living situation, since forever. "Maybe (name) will evaluate their words and actions and turn around". "Everything will be fine if/when (name) changes". etc. Ack.

I was once in a relationship that was really complicated and toxic. Well, it was those things for me...not for him. It was great for him , I was the (emotional) punching bag. Don't let yourself become that.

 

[Luminaria]

I... I wonder if I'm walking on thin ice. We talked earlier and ah. the way she was wording certain things. She kept saying that as its been so long since I was single, that perhaps I need to do some growing by myself. When I asked her what is she implying by that, she assured me that we aren't breaking up. Just that she has been feeling angry and hopeless lately. because she never expected to date someone who was so dependent on her. I'm close to independence now, i just... need a bit more time... a little bit more patience... Once i'm more comfortable and confident in driving I won't ask for her help to get me around places asmuch.

aaaaa my therapist is out of the office until wednesday

I was once in a relationship that was really complicated and toxic. Well, it was those things for me...not for him. It was great for him , I was the (emotional) punching bag. Don't let yourself become that.

I'm so glad you were able to escape Are you safe now? I hope everything has been okay for you

 

[Luminaria]

my heart is still pounding and i feel like i'm gonna be sick from the anxiety

 

[mal3volent]

I... I wonder if I'm walking on thin ice. We talked earlier and ah. the way she was wording certain things. She kept saying that as its been so long since I was single, that perhaps I need to do some growing by myself. When I asked her what is she implying by that, she assured me that we aren't breaking up. Just that she has been feeling angry and hopeless lately. because she never expected to date someone who was so dependent on her. I'm close to independence now, i just... need a bit more time... a little bit more patience... Once i'm more comfortable and confident in driving I won't ask for her help to get me around places asmuch.

aaaaa my therapist is out of the office until wednesday



I'm so glad you were able to escape Are you safe now? I hope everything has been okay for you

yeah I'm ok, it was a while ago. I still think about him everyday though.

tbh I don't think she is good for you. It doesn't sound like she brings you any comfort or joy at all.
focus on yourself and becoming independent like you said and your life will get better, I think.

 

[3dmusic]

I can't really take this anymore. It's all too much. Living is too much. Everything hurts too bad. It's been hurting for as long as I can remember and I wish it would stop. I really don't want to keep going. But I don't want to say goodbye to my mom or girlfriend yet. There's lots to do and I want to see my mom succeed in her endeavors but I don't want to face tomorrow.

I don't wanna go to work tomorrow. My coworkers are all so angry. Anger is too much for me. being in an environment like that is scary. But if I quit, what if my girlfriend kicks me out. She said she would be really disappointed in me if I quit without having a new jobto go to. I don't want her to get angry at me. She said if I leave and go back to live with my mom she wouldn't let me come back. But no one wants to hire me, not even as a bagger or whatver the fuck at the grocery store. I promise I'mnot worthless. I'm a good worker. I don't wanna be homeless again. I could do it anywhere, but not here. It's too hot. I don't want responsibilities anymore.i don't want therapy anymore, nor the lexapro, anything. what do I do. i can't do it anymore

gotta shower but my heart feels chained down

Please don't give up, suicide is not the answer. Life is for learning lessons and if we check out we come back and have to face them.
What are you really interested in? Can you spend your time doing things you like.
Have plenty of loved ones around you.
Work colleagues anger is not your problem, if they snap at you, just politely ask them please don't snap, it works.
Do't give up looking for a job, but put all thoughts of suicide out of your head.
Someone will miss you, many will miss you it is a tragedy.

 

[Luminaria]

The more I think about what we talked about, the angrier I get, which is honestly a first for me in a long ass time haha. "Maybe my expectations of you were too high". That fucking cuts deep. How is it my fault that she envisioned something unrealistic? It's like she's trying to push an issue she created entirely herself on me and make it my fault. She knew about my whole situation before I moved in with her - it's not an excuse, but more I can't magically conjure up a fix out of thin air. I had more independence before moving here and I miss it. The weather was fair enough for me to walk anywhere, and if the destination was too far, buses and trains were at my disposal. Now those options are gone and I'm in suburban America where if you don't drive you're shit out of luck. The worst part? EVERYWHERE else in the city has public transport but not in this particular side of town! She knew I was unable to earn any sort of income for a long time. She knew I was legally unable to obtain a driver's license until a certain point prior to moving here so I had no experience in that at all. She knew I came down here with <$500 to my name, that if I continued working at my previous job here that didn't pay shit I really would have died. "I didn't expect to date someone who was so heavily reliant on me". I've been here for less than two years! Give me a fucking break. That's not long at all. My therapist was congratulating me and shocked by how quickly I've recovered so I'm not sure if it would have been possible for me to go even faster.

It's frustrating. She thinks I'm not trying hard enough, but I'm trying my best with what I have currently available. I'm worn out from working so hard. I've been past my breaking point for a long time but I'm still going. God. For her to try and undermine my progress is beyond upsetting.

yeah I'm ok, it was a while ago. I still think about him everyday though.

tbh I don't think she is good for you. It doesn't sound like she brings you any comfort or joy at all.
focus on yourself and becoming independent like you said and your life will get better, I think.

I'll keep trying my hardest

Please don't give up, suicide is not the answer. Life is for learning lessons and if we check out we come back and have to face them.
What are you really interested in? Can you spend your time doing things you like.
Have plenty of loved ones around you.
Work colleagues anger is not your problem, if they snap at you, just politely ask them please don't snap, it works.
Do't give up looking for a job, but put all thoughts of suicide out of your head.
Someone will miss you, many will miss you it is a tragedy.

Thank you...

 

[Jabberwocky]

The more I think about what we talked about, the angrier I get, which is honestly a first for me in a long ass time haha. "Maybe my expectations of you were too high". That fucking cuts deep. How is it my fault that she envisioned something unrealistic? It's like she's trying to push an issue she created entirely herself on me and make it my fault. She knew about my whole situation before I moved in with her - it's not an excuse, but more I can't magically conjure up a fix out of thin air. I had more independence before moving here and I miss it. The weather was fair enough for me to walk anywhere, and if the destination was too far, buses and trains were at my disposal. Now those options are gone and I'm in suburban America where if you don't drive you're shit out of luck. The worst part? EVERYWHERE else in the city has public transport but not in this particular side of town! She knew I was unable to earn any sort of income for a long time. She knew I was legally unable to obtain a driver's license until a certain point prior to moving here so I had no experience in that at all. She knew I came down here with <$500 to my name, that if I continued working at my previous job here that didn't pay shit I really would have died. "I didn't expect to date someone who was so heavily reliant on me". I've been here for less than two years! Give me a fucking break. That's not long at all. My therapist was congratulating me and shocked by how quickly I've recovered so I'm not sure if it would have been possible for me to go even faster.

It's frustrating. She thinks I'm not trying hard enough, but I'm trying my best with what I have currently available. I'm worn out from working so hard. I've been past my breaking point for a long time but I'm still going. God. For her to try and undermine my progress is beyond upsetting.



I'll keep trying my hardest



Thank you...

Fuck that bitch! Period

 

[tracedwards313]

It isn't fair to be angry with her for telling you the truth about what she is going through. From the little bit you said of your situation, she has obviously gone far beyond what most people would do to support you.

Two years is not a short period of time. It seems like you have a seriously unbalanced relationship and if after two years, no hint of a shift in balance is in sight, it would be hard for any person to want to continue such a relationship.

Im not trying to be a dick here. But sometimes our problems cause us to focus too much on ourselves and we neglect what is going on in other people's lives. She is clearly having thoughts about the future of your relationship. But, that isn't unfair of her because she deserves to be happy too.

Being a stagnate person with a bag of excuses as for why, isn't a good look. And being a partner to someone who is totally dependant on you, is more like being a parent than a lover.

My advice would be to ditch the excuses. Life is always going one of two ways, up or down, its getting better or its declining. So, make the change and stop letting the bullshit define who you are.

Need a job? Get one. Be open to anything.

Can't get a car? Cool, get a bike. They are one of man's greatest inventions.

Obviously idk all the issues you are faced with and I know life is hard, so I'm not minimizing anything. Mu point is that you can fix your problems, if you want to, and its your responsibility. We all need help but help shouldn't mean carrying all your weight, without complaint or expectation.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I know this won’t help, but if you put all your faith into a woman or any human for that matter not just a female you will sadly be let down

 

[Luminaria]

It isn't fair to be angry with her for telling you the truth about what she is going through. From the little bit you said of your situation, she has obviously gone far beyond what most people would do to support you.

Two years is not a short period of time. It seems like you have a seriously unbalanced relationship and if after two years, no hint of a shift in balance is in sight, it would be hard for any person to want to continue such a relationship.

Im not trying to be a dick here. But sometimes our problems cause us to focus too much on ourselves and we neglect what is going on in other people's lives. She is clearly having thoughts about the future of your relationship. But, that isn't unfair of her because she deserves to be happy too.

Being a stagnate person with a bag of excuses as for why, isn't a good look. And being a partner to someone who is totally dependant on you, is more like being a parent than a lover.

My advice would be to ditch the excuses. Life is always going one of two ways, up or down, its getting better or its declining. So, make the change and stop letting the bullshit define who you are.

Need a job? Get one. Be open to anything.

Can't get a car? Cool, get a bike. They are one of man's greatest inventions.

Obviously idk all the issues you are faced with and I know life is hard, so I'm not minimizing anything. Mu point is that you can fix your problems, if you want to, and its your responsibility. We all need help but help shouldn't mean carrying all your weight, without complaint or expectation.

I understand what you're saying, but I've managed to build myself up from quite literally nothing to educated WIP within these past almost two years. Two years is both a long time and nothing at all in the grand scheme of things. Considering the sheer amount I've grown, two years isn't long at all. I went from a crybaby high school dropout with no skills to confident and certified in a specialty career in which I'm employed at now. I'm on track to getting a proper job and $70k+ income within the next 6~12 months. My goal workplace doesn't hire any old fuckhead with no prior experience despite the application page saying otherwise, so I need time to build up that experience. Not sure if she's under the impression that I rely on her for everything, but that's very clearly not the case. I go out of my way to not rely on her but she doesn't want to see it. Hell, she offered to help pay for my car but I declined and bought it out in full myself despite my mom recently clearing out my bank account. I'm proud of that. I won't deny that some things sound like excuses, but like I said, I'm making the most of the options I have available. I'm working hard. Sure it's exhausting because for years prior to coming here my days were spent laying almost lifeless in bed because my depression and abuser had such tight grasps around my neck, but I'm still going.

Just a little while longer and all this crap will be a non-issue. Just a little while longer and the balance will be equal. Certain things physically couldn't happen overnight and I'm hoping she'll wait until then considering how close we are to that point.

 

[tracedwards313]

I understand what you're saying, but I've managed to build myself up from quite literally nothing to educated WIP within these past almost two years. Two years is both a long time and nothing at all in the grand scheme of things. Considering the sheer amount I've grown, two years isn't long at all. I went from a crybaby high school dropout with no skills to confident and certified in a specialty career in which I'm employed at now. I'm on track to getting a proper job and $70k+ income within the next 6~12 months. My goal workplace doesn't hire any old fuckhead with no prior experience despite the application page saying otherwise, so I need time to build up that experience. Not sure if she's under the impression that I rely on her for everything, but that's very clearly not the case. I go out of my way to not rely on her but she doesn't want to see it. Hell, she offered to help pay for my car but I declined and bought it out in full myself despite my mom recently clearing out my bank account. I'm proud of that. I won't deny that some things sound like excuses, but like I said, I'm making the most of the options I have available. I'm working hard. Sure it's exhausting because for years prior to coming here my days were spent laying almost lifeless in bed because my depression and abuser had such tight grasps around my neck, but I'm still going.

Just a little while longer and all this crap will be a non-issue. Just a little while longer and the balance will be equal. Certain things physically couldn't happen overnight and I'm hoping she'll wait until then considering how close we are to that point.

Right on man, I'm glad you are doing good for yourself. That is definitely something to be proud of. I didn't mean to assume anything about your situation.

It sounds like you have a positive momentum going in your life and thats what it's all about Man! Keep it up and things will work out as they should.