💀 The Abyss 💀 (Open 24hrs)

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schizopath said:
100%. I propably seriously need a partner who is a pro dirty talker and likes bdsm. But you are definitely right that its the shit to see someone get it off.

Nice picture, my lifes an uphill battle but some days I feel like Im using a segway.
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.....that's hot

I was never a super vocal top and then I got more into it because some ppl requested me to do that and yea it's hot

bdsm sounds hot too I will play around a little w/ it not much though, vanilla sex still rocks my world 8(
 
schizopath said:
Yeah I get what you mean. I guess its really kind of the same for me.
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100% truth (deep trip realizations I have had) the more you love others, the universe, yourself and believe in yourself, things will go amazingly. Even if it's weird, different, challenging, and what not at first. It just will. Trust in the universe goes a long way.

I started doing that last year and my life took off in a good way (mostly good... still many flaws and losses and what not). It's a fun work in progress I guess. Kind of like Manson said "I'm just a painting that's still wet".

I should probably move some posts into the ABYSS but... maybe I'll make more "how do you picture loungers based on how they post" memes...?
 
schizopath said:
Im so used to thinking that people hate me that hearing anything else makes me pretty self conscious. Damn. And thanks.
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LOL SCHIZO I have the exact same problem let me share a story with you,

Once upon a time I'm hanging out with a few good friends and because of not having my BEAUTIFUL DELICIOUS HYPNOTIC BENZOS I NEED SO BADLY, I was rattling off insanely, manic (as I am now :| mental health not perfect a work in progress, obviously) I misinterpreted someone offering me food as a means to shut me up and made a joke based on that but such an idea seemed weird to them (because my friends are mostly what I call... pathologically happy people) ... and that's how I know I get that problem too.

I absolutely cannot tell when someone is upset with me or is just having a bad day unless they say it quite clearly with words to my face. I normally assume as I'm a oh what would Burroughs say, a Liquefier or whatever I'm so fucked I should go back and study his book after reading it, that I must always be doing things that others would normally not approve of as they are "dividers" or.. the other classes. God what an intensely horrific read even for me and as gay as I am some shit in here is just too much and it's a bit... too much. Like it makes Gravity's Rainbow look tame.

schizopath said:
Im so used to thinking that people hate me that hearing anything else makes me pretty self conscious. Damn. And thanks.
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oh and to the "self conscious part" I Don't get that so much but I do have a pathological fear of success (because life is good in some ways and don't want those facets to change, etc., stemming from a fear of change, etc.) so when people compliment me I often don't perceive it as them being authentic. For the most part I know I've been a shithead my life with drug use and my own family likely even if they are "proud of me" it's in a limited way like "thank god he wasn't just a waste" or whatever. It's hard not to think like that because I know I would have disowned my own ass by now. Definitely.

So it's ok to be off-put by the compliments, but mostly people wouldn't waste their time complimenting you if they really didn't mean it. <3 I used to REALLLLY hate getting compliments when I was younger, I didn't like feeling being put on the spot. I like being the non-entity, an unnoticeable person in the background, part of the noise of reality. I don't like becoming a foreground object, unless I'm showing my body off (I'm... considerably more cocky with that).

I'm mostly on BL right now because this novel is so good but extremely graphic and I need to let my brain up for air. The first few chapters were tame then it went extreme like farther than I'd ever imagine anyone would go as an author in this fashion. I'm glad I'm reading more.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I was rattling off insanely, manic

I absolutely cannot tell when someone is upset with me or is just having a bad day unless they say it quite clearly with words to my face.

oh and to the "self conscious part" I Don't get that so much but I do have a pathological fear of success (because life is good in some ways and don't want those facets to change, etc., stemming from a fear of change, etc.) so when people compliment me I often don't perceive it as them being authentic. For the most part I know I've been a shithead my life with drug use and my own family likely even if they are "proud of me" it's in a limited way like "thank god he wasn't just a waste" or whatever. It's hard not to think like that because I know I would have disowned my own ass by now. Definitely.

So it's ok to be off-put by the compliments, but mostly people wouldn't waste their time complimenting you if they really didn't mean it. <3 I used to REALLLLY hate getting compliments when I was younger, I didn't like feeling being put on the spot.
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When Im with friends/drugged out thats like all I do. Lol. Unless Im feeling anxious.

Ive learned somewhat to read people. Words are still so powerful to me, like to you, and so Im MUCH better online than offline. Atleast in my opinion.

Yeah I get it. Ive always been my own best friend but also my worst enemy. Weird shit. After quitting benzos, which I absolutely had to do, no other choices for me about benzos, Ive been alot better since I havent really done that stupid shit to my family and friends anymore.

I guess so. Ive grown somewhat fond to making people laugh but obviously I want to do more. Just me being me I sometimes think too serious or absolutely not serious. Actually I guess I should start giving myself more compliments and about new things too.
 
schizopath said:
When Im with friends/drugged out thats like all I do. Lol. Unless Im feeling anxious.

Ive learned somewhat to read people. Words are still so powerful to me, like to you, and so Im MUCH better online than offline. Atleast in my opinion.

Yeah I get it. Ive always been my own best friend but also my worst enemy. Weird shit. After quitting benzos, which I absolutely had to do, no other choices for me about benzos, Ive been alot better since I havent really done that stupid shit to my family and friends anymore.

I guess so. Ive grown somewhat fond to making people laugh but obviously I want to do more. Just me being me I sometimes think too serious or absolutely not serious. Actually I guess I should start giving myself more compliments and about new things too.
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Definitely man this is where I'm at. I'm pretty good at reading people's minds if I know them REALLY well, but otherwise most people are a hard read. The "are they really pissed at me" is a mystery, evidenced by people still contacting me and I was sure no one would many times over.

I have been mostly off benzos too and *it hurts* and I need them for sleep.

Giving back to your local community is really rewarding. I'm planning on doing that too as much as possible.

1st world problems

sex has been so good i can't even get off w/ porn, i could yesterday and now i'll get hard, feels great, but just can't stop thinking about my badBOIS <3

ahhhhhh. AHHHH. :|
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Definitely man this is where I'm at. I'm pretty good at reading people's minds if I know them REALLY well, but otherwise most people are a hard read. The "are they really pissed at me" is a mystery, evidenced by people still contacting me and I was sure no one would many times over.

I have been mostly off benzos too and *it hurts* and I need them for sleep.

Giving back to your local community is really rewarding. I'm planning on doing that too as much as possible.

1st world problems

sex has been so good i can't even get off w/ porn, i could yesterday and now i'll get hard, feels great, but just can't stop thinking about my badBOIS <3

ahhhhhh. AHHHH. :|
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Yeah, friends arent a mystery. But most people are. I might say that I feel beautiful when people get flustered but really more often than not Im just like "why is she smiling, do I have amphetamine on my nose?"

You do. You propably have the worst insomnia Ive ever heard of.

I treasure my friends, not my local community. Junkies are treated propably as shit in Finland than is America.

Definitely 😂

Well be happy you dont even mostly need to get off to porn.
 
schizopath said:
Yeah, friends arent a mystery. But most people are. I might say that I feel beautiful when people get flustered but really more often than not Im just like "why is she smiling, do I have amphetamine on my nose?"

You do. You propably have the worst insomnia Ive ever heard of.

I treasure my friends, not my local community. Junkies are treated propably as shit in Finland than is America.

Definitely 😂

Well be happy you dont even mostly need to get off to porn.
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LOL :love:

Sometimes strangers be smiling at me, esp. women and I'm like "oh I'm flirting w/ her and I probably started it...." and then I have to finish up the flirt to not make her feel anxious or self-doubting and shit. haha.

For some reason I never feel men flirting with me unless WE HAVE ALREADY DONE IT and then start flirting w/ each other. Ever. Odd right. Oh wait maybe I felt it once a long time ago many years ago. I don't put myself out there a WHOLE whole lot. Enough to know. Doesn't bother me. They probably expect me to make 1st move.

My friend said she stayed up for longer than me and I believe her, she's like so honest and down to earth. I've just done 7 days before AND GOT SLEEP LAST NIGHT WHEEEE. It was, amazing. I was like *snores* for 7 hours. And no nightmares.

I FINISHED READING NAKED LUNCH HOLY SHIT WHAT A READ. What a fucking READ. That's incredible. Probably one of my favorite novels just for how harrowing it is. I likely will never read it again.

I did manage to jerk off to porn btw it just took a lot of remembering how real sex feels like faps LOL.
 
In the US drug addicts are not looked up to, pretty much never. In certain areas of US, in certain circles/cultures/cities it becomes more acceptable as the total percentage of people using something reaches a high number.

I've had the realization I'm the only sober one out here who isn't driving like shit many times. Especially this year with my increased SOBER campaign lol. All I do is dab and take antihistamines for sleep. People can tell I am not right. I really should probably go back on benzos because "they were working".
 
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