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How High Are You? V. Dude Where's My Bar?

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I love Flexeril as a muscle relaxer but I typically avoid it because it makes me sooo damn sleepy. And it usually knocks me out for well over 8 hours. I think I always used to take 2 though when I had it. Maybe one or half would be more beneficial for me.
 
45mg methadone
2 × 24oz 8% Smirnoff Smash
Bowls of weed
Iced Coffee
Nicotine

Just renewed my Xbox gold for 3 months, but after 2 hours it's time to watch TV and chill/nap.
 
I just drank a mug of kava, that's it if you can even call that a high. I went ham on stimulants last week and have been crashed out since then. I've been feeling so blah... I'm kinda tempted to do some hexen but it's only going to prolong my negative feelings. I should probably throw the rest of it away. I might have caught a hint of etizolam dependence or something too because I feel withdrawaly but really mildly so, but it's lingering for days. I also might have gotten sick which could explain the symptoms (runny nose, shivers, slightly restless limbs but not enough to prevent me from sleeping, but generally very light sleep with intense dreams, and a general feeling of malaise), but can't tell if I did or if it was just exhaustion.

I think probably what I'll actually do is smoke some weed. hardly do that these days but I bet it would help. I just feel so bored and low-energy.
 
Xorkoth said:
if you can even call that a high.
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I feel pretty high w/ kava extract when I do it, but it's not reinforcing so I rarely use it. *major shrug*

<-- coffee COVFEFE AND HAMBERDERS
Xorkoth said:
I just drank a mug of kava, that's it if you can even call that a high. I went ham on stimulants last week and have been crashed out since then. I've been feeling so blah... I'm kinda tempted to do some hexen but it's only going to prolong my negative feelings. I should probably throw the rest of it away. I might have caught a hint of etizolam dependence or something too because I feel withdrawaly but really mildly so, but it's lingering for days. I also might have gotten sick which could explain the symptoms (runny nose, shivers, slightly restless limbs but not enough to prevent me from sleeping, but generally very light sleep with intense dreams, and a general feeling of malaise), but can't tell if I did or if it was just exhaustion.

I think probably what I'll actually do is smoke some weed. hardly do that these days but I bet it would help. I just feel so bored and low-energy.
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Pray it's a flu-like illness that your body battles well. I can't imagine a benzo WD being pleasant. Hope you feel better soon big guy <3

I can't imagine someone not smoking weed IMO I need that shit. I even know it's a "want not a need" but mental health is still salvageable. Holding onto *something*
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Pray it's a flu-like illness that your body battles well. I can't imagine a benzo WD being pleasant.
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Well it was worst on the second day after I last had etizolam, and has been a lot better for a few days since then, but it's still hanging on. I assumed it was the flu but I never had some of the typical sympoms, and it faded quickly. But my friend also had really similar symptoms except he had a fever and it lasted a few days. So I don't know.
 
Xorkoth said:
Well it was worst on the second day after I last had etizolam, and has been a lot better for a few days since then, but it's still hanging on. I assumed it was the flu but I never had some of the typical sympoms, and it faded quickly. But my friend also had really similar symptoms except he had a fever and it lasted a few days. So I don't know.
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Were you IRL hanging out w/ him?

Are other people around you sick?

It might be withdrawal. I wouldn't know what it feels like. I just know what my sick brain feels like without it and if you're mentally healthy and your brain reverts to "this" it'll probably feel just ... awful.

If you're feeling better that's a good sign no matter what.

I couldn't get my regular shatter and near panicked but got some cheap wax crap shit stuff but can still dab *for now*

Need help, can't get it, sick brain doesn't want it or can't accept it "acceptance is key to leaving this all behind" it whispered to me. IT
 
I was hanging out with him recently. Also, from what I understand, BZD withdrawal increases until around day 5 or so and it hasn't even been that many days yet. Or, maybe today is day 5 actually, but it's better than it was previous days.
 
Xorkoth said:
I was hanging out with him recently. Also, from what I understand, BZD withdrawal increases until around day 5 or so and it hasn't even been that many days yet. Or, maybe today is day 5 actually, but it's better than it was previous days.
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Uh so in my "experience" and I don't withdrawal from BZD's but you will COME OFF VERY FAST if it's like IV midazolam/lorazepam and feel TERRIBLY SICK but it's gone in a few hours

this is from like a MEGADOSE for surgery, mind you, and is also likely combined w/ fentanyl

w/ oral benzos used 1x/day (I cannot account for like 3-4x/day usage; my mental health conditions don't require such frequent dosages unless it's SEVERE SEVERE panic like 99% of the time 1x / day is REALLY all I need, 2x/max) I actually feel REALLY REALLY GOOD abruptly stopping it, up to 3-5 weeks of daily use. I KNOW for most people this WILL incur really REALLY NASTY withdrawals, and I Have VERY few theoretical explanations other than

1) my brain is not normal; i.e. specifically the gaba-A subunits that BZD's effects ESPECIALLY THE HYPNOTIC BINDING SITES y2 and a1
2) scientific evidence DOES hint at the idea that certain people have unique mutations @ these sites/ the receptor in general and may interfere in GABA's relaxation role -> rendering more anxiety, insomnia, social distress ETC perhaps also OCD type behavior, preoccupied feelings, depression
3) my mental health is SO BAD that mild benzo withdrawal is WAY BETTER than NO BENZOS AT ALL. IF this is the case, and I REALLY hope it isn't, I feel SO TERRIBLE all the time that even coming off benzos is SOMEHOW PREFERABLE TO STRAIGHT UP SOCIETY.

That is NOT what my opiate exp. was like (specifically with #3); specifically sobriety feels A HELL of a lot better than acute mild, moderate or intense heroin WD in EVERY WAY POSSIBLE. Instant boners and orgasms DO NOT make up for it. Not even 10,000,000 orgasms back to back. No way.

I have no other THEORETICAL explanations.

The mania I feel from abruptly stopping alprazolam (rarely do this but it does occur sometimes if I have any reaction to abrupt cessation at all) lasts 1-2 days tops.

I can't speak for any longer-lasting benzos as the longer-lasting ones I DO NOT use regularly (TERRIBLE idea; HL is too long for clonaz/diaz/fluraz to be a daily thing IMO)
 
#1 is backed up by #4 observation regarding...

clonazepam will INCREASE my panic/anxiety/agoraphobia as if it's an inverse agonist and

alcohol is NOT medicinal or addictive for me in any way and only "mildly euphoric" and 0 reinforcement.

BZD's have a smoother, sweeter, more natural euphoria, no nasty spins/side effects, and mild to no reinforcement for me.

Most who LOVE BZD'S ALSO love alcohol and most who love alcohol really enjoy a xanax. My ex ONLY liked alcohol and HATED bzd's.

I have no accounting for this. I am sorry. I wish others to help me expand my understanding of these preferences.
 
fuck having flashbacks...bad ones... XANAX WHY ARE YOU NOT WORKING YET ffs

I can't imagine anyone alive would want to hear from me. I am sure I'd lead people on the suicide prevention lines to kill themselves from having to listen to my nonsense. Perhaps I really am better just STFU'ing and keeping all this inside until it eats me alive.

Fuck.

I am afraid I'll never be right again.
 
I was actually laughing and feeling good and all of the sudden it feels like hot/cold flashes and opiate withdrawal during the flashback and I start to dissociate, lose touch of reality and relive the experience. I was happy and laughing minutes ago.

I'm seriously not surprised 28% of PTSD cases attempt suicide at least once. If I wasn't lazy I'd have probably made 1,000 attempts by now. But I'm fucking lazy as fucking shit.

It doesn't help that the whole world/universe/people are telling me directly/indirectly that it is OK, to love myself, to let it go, to grow from my mistakes and just keep learning and I don't want to forgive myself. I fucking hate myself. Every day.

Probably going to dab more. Wait for this SLOW MOTION XANAX TO KICK IN that's instant release FUCK guys why does BZD's oral take so long to kick in

I DESPERATELY NEED VIALS OF IV LORAZEPAM, MIDAZOLAM OR AN ABILITY TO CREATE AN IV'ABLE BZD SOLUTION (not alprazolam a GOOD ONE) and I need it like, now. The window of onset is too great for oral BZD's. A lot can happen in an hour+ (when people say 15-30 minute onset for oral xanax I laugh, HOW how does it happen that quickly this is a long onset for me, alcohol works quicker even) and I can't understand why I can't phenagle this. I'm so fucking stupid. I used to know things.
 
Since the late AM wake up...

45mg methadone
Last of my bud unless roommate got more
1.5mg clonazepam
24oz 8%abv screwdriver (sipping another)
Also sipping a Nos Energy
Last Mango nic salt pod till I can hit NH

MA vape ban really an inconvenience. Luckily I do live close enough to NH which hopefully won't have any stupid ban soon because I don't wanna go back to cigs.
 
120 mg Pseudoephedrine
5mg Triprolidine
100mg Caffeine
80mg Oxycodone instant release oral and 40mg nasal
12.5mg Diphenhydramine
0.5mg Alprazolam
400mg elemental Magnesium

feeling too exhausted - cannot really enjoy this stuff. have to look what I can take additionally... :rolleyes:

/edit: added 1mg Clonazepam and 1.25mg Lorazepam. now I'm feeling way better and I guess I'm going for some Oxycodone soon.
 
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Riding the train back, gonna buy a Six Pack of Budweiser and get my Buzz going. Smoke a few bowls of green and spend the nite playing some Video Games, should be pretty enjoyable. Got the day off tommorow.
 
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