Venting The more pills I take the more pills I take...

[justdifferent]

This is a huge topic - what can I do to live with myself without crutches, but I'd appreciate any advice or encouragement!

I've alway had to have some kind of crutch for the past 25 years. When I was young it was booze mainly. Then I became pregnant and had to quit. Was clean (except for occasional codeine) for about two years during pregnancy/breastfeeding. This is the only time in my adult life I've been "normal" like all those admirable folk who only take pills when they're sick!

But after those two years, I ended up having to leave my child's dad-he was violent. Had enough "good mum" mentality to realise heavy boozing was out of the question when I was on my own with baby daughter. My GP prescribed me Oxazepam to help me cope, with usual warnings about "strictly short term", but the relief I got from the Oxazepam (Serapax) was irrestible.

Basically I switched from booze to prescription sedatives, prescription painkillers...any pill that makes me avoid myself, I'll take it. For the last 12 years I've been on Valium except for a few months (had to pass drug test because of custody dispute). For a long time I took prescription meds in a manageable way -ie had philosophy that "so long as I function, have job, looking after daughter...well, what did it matter that I was constantly on Valium and codeine?"

I wasn't proud of this mentality, and even though I may have been functional, I still had to do shitty things like doctor shop in order to get enough diazepam/codeine to take the edge off. But then "life happened" to me in a bad way - my mother took her own life, and my ex despicably cut off access to my daughter because he didn't want to pay me child support.!Didnt see daughter at all until family court hearing could be arranged-about three months!

By that time Dad had been hard at work convincing daughter I was a pitiful loser....to cut to the chase she almost totally rejected me for about two years. During this period I discovered dexamphetamine. I met my next partner who took them for his ADD, and we quickly got into a co-dependent routine: he'd give me Dex and I'd give him Valium/painkillers. I never took Dex every day - my partner alway binged on his Dex, and of course I kept him company, so a cycle developed: two weeks of every month we'd be up and about, convinced (incorrectly) that we were getting stuff done.!

Then he'd run out and there'd be 2 weeks of dismal depression, bed-ridden a lot of the time, waiting til he could get his next script. I stopped being "functional". Lost job because the Dex abuse becau

 

[justdifferent]

To continue (being more succinct!) lost job due to absenteeism/being late because the Dex wrecked my sleep cycle. In the meantime my partner was becom increasingly violent. I just kept taking the pills....no daughter, no job/ just pulls pulls pills.

Then during an argument he shoved me to ground and I fractured shoulder. So for several month I was on hard painkillers-oxy, Nuycenta, Lyrica. And he was usually taking about half of whatever I got, and in return he'd give me Dex.
Eventually I got busted by one of my GPs over the Lyrica-between the two of us we were taking insane amounts and I got flagged by health dept.

My GP cut off the Lyrica, the pain pills and started restricting my Valium supply. Now I had nothing much to give my partner in exchange for Valium, although, within this sick parameter, I'd do my best to recompense him...doctor shopping, plus spending truckloads on OTC cough mixture he liked. I started liking the cough mixture too, of course.

And we both began to binge drink, to fill in the gap left by Lyrica, Valium etc...we were permanently either high/drunk for two weeks of every month,then Dex would run out and we'd just play dead, trying to sleep through until the next Dex pick-up. Sometimes we'd quite deliberately drink ourselves unconscious just to get through the No Dex fortnight.

But then my daughter suddenly had a change of heart - she began texting me and calling again, and wanted to come and visit me -albeit only every three months or so, but after two years of seeing her about twice a year and no text/phone calls AT ALL, it seemed miraculous!

My partner claimed he was happy for me, but he certainly didn't act that way. He'd do his best to demolish me before and after every visit from daughter, and even got pissed off because we started texting a lot. Phew.Nearly there-see below for part 3...

 

[mal3volent]

@justdifferent I hope you don't mind but I did a little formatting work on your posts. Easier to read that way. You'll get more replies .

 

[justdifferent]

Ok, where was I? The last few months violence escalated hugely. He was he aloof my daughter, and increasingly resentful of giving me Dex when I couldn't come up with anything much except cough mixture in exchange. I started buying Dex off dealer-hugely expensive- to "try to make it up to him". TheDex fortnight degenerated into hideous arguments whichended up in violence, nearly always.

It was two way violence-I often retaliated or even started it, but he's literally twice my weight and so I always copped the worst of it-black eyes, bites, getting my head slammed into walls, eventually choking. A couple of month ago we were having one of these obscene, ghastly fights. He'd slapped me, spat in my face, tried to choke me - and I ended up having to hit him in the head with a hammer.

It was self-defence, not anger-I felt he might kill me if I let him choke me again. Blood pouring from his head, and I wanted to get ambulance, but he'd deadlocked the front door, put a bookcase in front of it, and told me he was going to kill himself. He was self mutilating, and kept rubbing his blood all over my face. I snapped and ran out to the balcony of our third-floor apartment and found myself attempting to scale down. It was a suicidal idea but not a suicide attempt - on the contrary my body just took over - the only coherent thought I had was that one of us was going to end up dead if I didn't get away from him.

Of course it was impossible to scale down-instead I fell 15 metres (approx 50 feet!) Incredibly, by the grace of God, I only ended up with a terrible knee fracture. The cops came to hospital with me and said I was very lucky indeed- ordinarily falling from that height you'd be dead, or at best a paraplegic.

So:hospital . Which equals back to access to strong painkillers. I took as much of every drug I could get, which was reasonable up to a point, since I was in shocking pain, especially post surgery (knee was reconstructed).

Now I'm in a women's shelter, and obviously I've got a lot of stuff to work through, but EVEN NOW I can't stop obsessing about pills. I'm on quite a hard pain killer, and while I've done my best not to binge, I'm still taking more than prescribed, and terrified of the w/d I'll need to do soon.

The final idiocy has been this: I've been buying Dex from a dealer in order to cope with starting to wean off painkillers (sorry, btw, for such a huge post - obviously the Dex are talking somewhat). I took 6 yesterday and cos I hadn't had them for a while they've really messed me up -can't sleep, feeling so anxious and dreadful. The plan, originally, was just to go cold turkey and use Dex to get me through ...just get the painkiller w/d behind me.

And it hasn't even worked! I took two painers yesterday (about half the usual dose), but a few hours ago took another two, in the hope of sleep, as well as two Valium - just a waste, I still can't sleep..,,feel so hopeless.'I'm back to "functionality" to some extent- I deliberately only got 12 dexamphetamine since going on amphetamine binge at women's shelter is not a good look.

To conclude, I'm so obsessed with pills - I can't imagine getting through life with NOTHING! I just can't. N/A doesn't appeal: where I live, N/A is basically a place people go to meet dealers. I liked AA in the past, but will they let me bang on mainly about pills? Any advice, and prayers, would be sincerely welcomed XXX

 

[justdifferent]

Thank you Mod!

 

[justdifferent]

Ps Moderator-thanks for letting me do such a rant, btw, and apologies to readers for occasional incoherence-aside from being upset, my phone is useless except for tiny text msgs.

Just don't know what to do with myself. Want to get better but unable to summon the courage to live without all these pills. They're ruining my life but I can't imagine life without them. Feel so gutless, hopeless, and I loathe myself for telling fibs to doctors and wasting so much money on dealers. I'm so scared of facing up to life, facing up to grief about my mother. I can't even contemplate seeing my daughter unless I've got a few Dex or a few painkillers in me.

And having to pretend I'm "normal" around everyone, all the time. Feel like such a hypocrite, such a coward. My brain has been hi-jacked. It makes no sense - as if I'm choosing prison over freedom.

 

[mal3volent]

No problem. Everyone needs to rant sometimes. I've not had time to read through yet but I understand having a shitty phone and not being able to format everything the way you want.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

Same here. Especially with benzo's. I take one and don't really feel it so I take another...next thing I know it's several days later and I've taken every single one while in a black-out state.
But with any pills really there is never enough. I took enough Phenobarbital to go into a coma (I was intensive care and not breathing on my own) for four days and the same day I woke up I was demanding more (I WAS actually prescribed it).
Like when I was prescribed Oxy. Pretty much monthly I was at the doctor getting my dosage increased. Even when I spend all day nodding, I "needed more".

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

To continue (being more succinct!) lost job due to absenteeism/being late because the Dex wrecked my sleep cycle. In the meantime my partner was becom increasingly violent. I just kept taking the pills....no daughter, no job/ just pulls pulls pills.

Then during an argument he shoved me to ground and I fractured shoulder. So for several month I was on hard painkillers-oxy, Nuycenta, Lyrica. And he was usually taking about half of whatever I got, and in return he'd give me Dex.
Eventually I got busted by one of my GPs over the Lyrica-between the two of us we were taking insane amounts and I got flagged by health dept.

My GP cut off the Lyrica, the pain pills and started restricting my Valium supply. Now I had nothing much to give my partner in exchange for Valium, although, within this sick parameter, I'd do my best to recompense him...doctor shopping, plus spending truckloads on OTC cough mixture he liked. I started liking the cough mixture too, of course.

And we both began to binge drink, to fill in the gap left by Lyrica, Valium etc...we were permanently either high/drunk for two weeks of every month,then Dex would run out and we'd just play dead, trying to sleep through until the next Dex pick-up. Sometimes we'd quite deliberately drink ourselves unconscious just to get through the No Dex fortnight.

But then my daughter suddenly had a change of heart - she began texting me and calling again, and wanted to come and visit me -albeit only every three months or so, but after two years of seeing her about twice a year and no text/phone calls AT ALL, it seemed miraculous!

My partner claimed he was happy for me, but he certainly didn't act that way. He'd do his best to demolish me before and after every visit from daughter, and even got pissed off because we started texting a lot. Phew.Nearly there-see below for part 3...

Very glad your daughter got back in touch!

I try and force myself to sleep during sober times, too. I'm one of the lucky one's in that opioid withdrawal actually makes me sleep like 17 hours a day (the first couple days before it gets really bad).

 

[nuttynutskin]

So your bf fractured your shoulder and you're still with him? Doesn't sound like your reasoning is to great when it comes to guys.

Never mind... Just read the other posts.

 

[swilow]

^It can be really hard to leave any relationship, especially with the coercion of violence...

 

[justdifferent]

I'm not with him anymore-I'm in a women's shelter. It was the choking, not the broken arm, that was the last straw. According to staff here, recent research has shown that when domestic violence includes choking, it is 800% percent more likely that the woman will be murdered if she doesn't leave. It's a pre-homicidal behaviour.

 

[nuttynutskin]

I don't know, I guess I don't have any great advice other than look at the reasons that led you to be in a mutually abusive relationship and do the right thing for your daughter. I'm sure she deserves a mom that's not spun out on dex.

 

[justdifferent]

Same here. Especially with benzo's. I take one and don't really feel it so I take another...next thing I know it's several days later and I've taken every single one while in a black-out state.
But with any pills really there is never enough. I took enough Phenobarbital to go into a coma (I was intensive care and not breathing on my own) for four days and the same day I woke up I was demanding more (I WAS actually prescribed it).
Like when I was prescribed Oxy. Pretty much monthly I was at the doctor getting my dosage increased. Even when I spend all day nodding, I "needed more".

Well I know from bitter experience that Valium, painkillers ...you get physically tolerant really fast. But with me it's worse than physical tolerance-it's the psychological obsession. I only feel "safe" when I've got a freshly filled script. Even if I'm not taking all that much, I start worrying about seeing the doctor again days in advance. Even if I know, intellectually, that it's very unlikely I'm going to get cut off, I always expect it's going to happen. I'm embarrassed to say I actually pray before seeing the doctor:"please God, I know I should stop this shit, I know it's pathetic, but please please don't let the doctor say no."
After I got flagged by health department because my partner and I were taking so much Lyrica, my long-term GP announced she was going to cut off my Valium and I actually cried and ended up begging her to change her mind, which she did, but because I had to tell her my partner was taking my meds, she stringently restricted the supply, so I'd only get 15 for two weeks instead of 50 for three weeks.
Even then, my partner would still badger me for them. He'd argue that he shared his Dex, so in "fairness", I ought to give him equivalent amount if Valium.
I'd say, well, you get 400 Dex every month, all at once. Whereas I was getting 30 Valium a month. He didn't care. He also insisted that Valium withdrawal was no worse than Dex withdrawal, which is utter nonsense. Valium withdrawal, cold turkey, is indescribably awful, way worse than withdrawal from opioids. This is why I'm always so worried about getting cut off. On two occasions I've had seizures caused by misguided GPs making me attempt rapid detox.

Having no Dex all of a sudden is unpleasant but mainly psychological, in my view. You just feel shitty and grumpy and tired, but not sick or panicky.

Of course, everyone is different. But it used to hurt me that he had actually seen me hyperventilate and shake from insufficient Valium, but still wanted his "cut" regardless.

One positive thing about doctor restricting my supply is that I am now able to manage on just 5 mgs every 48 hours if I must. Whereas five years ago I needed 15 mgs a day, at least.

I hate Valium now - it does absolutely nothing for me except prevent w/d sickness.

 

[justdifferent]

I don't know, I guess I don't have any great advice other than look at the reasons that led you to be in a mutually abusive relationship and do the right thing for your daughter. I'm sure she deserves a mom that's not spun out on dex.

Absolutely. And if I am seeing her, and have Dex, I make a point of only taking two or at most 3 (10-15 mgs).
The sad thing is I have this weird psychological hang up that I won't be bright enough, "interesting" enough, unless I'm medicated. Recently she came to visit and I had no Dex and I was so desperate to be "chirpy" enough that I got OTC pseudo ephedrine (Sudafed). And then once she arrived, and we settled down, I was thinking "what the hell was I so scared of?" She didn't want me to perform or do handstands. She just wanted to kick back and talk quietly and potter around.
It would be different, of course, if I saw her more frequently. The tough thing is that for years I looked after her solo, and of course we had our bad moments, but everything was relaxed simply because it was normal for her to be around. Whereas only seeing her now and then, for a few hours, you get flustered about every second being "quality time".
At least now I've chucked my toxic ex, which means there's now a bedroom for her at my place, once I can walk well enough to leave women's shelter.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Yeah just be there for her, I bet that's all she wants. The longer you have clean time from amps the less you'll feel like you need to have it to be sociable.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

Well I know from bitter experience that Valium, painkillers ...you get physically tolerant really fast. But with me it's worse than physical tolerance-it's the psychological obsession. I only feel "safe" when I've got a freshly filled script. Even if I'm not taking all that much, I start worrying about seeing the doctor again days in advance. Even if I know, intellectually, that it's very unlikely I'm going to get cut off, I always expect it's going to happen. I'm embarrassed to say I actually pray before seeing the doctor:"please God, I know I should stop this shit, I know it's pathetic, but please please don't let the doctor say no."
After I got flagged by health department because my partner and I were taking so much Lyrica, my long-term GP announced she was going to cut off my Valium and I actually cried and ended up begging her to change her mind, which she did, but because I had to tell her my partner was taking my meds, she stringently restricted the supply, so I'd only get 15 for two weeks instead of 50 for three weeks.
Even then, my partner would still badger me for them. He'd argue that he shared his Dex, so in "fairness", I ought to give him equivalent amount if Valium.
I'd say, well, you get 400 Dex every month, all at once. Whereas I was getting 30 Valium a month. He didn't care. He also insisted that Valium withdrawal was no worse than Dex withdrawal, which is utter nonsense. Valium withdrawal, cold turkey, is indescribably awful, way worse than withdrawal from opioids. This is why I'm always so worried about getting cut off. On two occasions I've had seizures caused by misguided GPs making me attempt rapid detox.

Having no Dex all of a sudden is unpleasant but mainly psychological, in my view. You just feel shitty and grumpy and tired, but not sick or panicky.

Of course, everyone is different. But it used to hurt me that he had actually seen me hyperventilate and shake from insufficient Valium, but still wanted his "cut" regardless.

One positive thing about doctor restricting my supply is that I am now able to manage on just 5 mgs every 48 hours if I must. Whereas five years ago I needed 15 mgs a day, at least.

I hate Valium now - it does absolutely nothing for me except prevent w/d sickness.

When I'm on benzo's I literally count out all my pills (all pills, not just the benzo's) obsessively over and over to reassure myself I have "enough".

I'm lucky (I guess) that my doctor will only give me weekly scripts for anything potentially addictive. I try my best to make them lasts and buy my own on top, but I still spend the last 24-48 hours of every week sweating and shitting and vomiting and crying. I'd *never* do it, but I constantly fantasize about robbing a pharmacy. Whenever I read or see something set in an apocalyptic-type setting (like a zombie movie or anything about a natural disaster) I almost WISH it would really happen just so I can go raid the pharmacies.

When I was on Oxy was the worst. I'd get my monthly script of 60 pills (OC 40's) and 4 days later there'd be 12 left. Same with my Lorazepam and Neurontin. The good days paha. This is when my primary addiction was alcohol so I never got any withdrawal really (when you drink 5 bottles of wine and a bottle of vodka every day you do NOT notice withdrawals lol).

Cutting off your Valium like that would be SUPER dangerous! You would definitely seizure for a start. This is one of my fears...I have actual brain damage ("mild to moderate cortical fusion impairment...anyone know what that actually means? Can't even find it online) caused by alcohol withdrawal seizures. Alcohol and benzo withdrawal seizures can also kill you. I had a seizure (again alcohol, not benzo's, but still) and my dad took my to the emergency room. I had another seizure IN tthe emergency room. It lasted 6 minutes and they had to put me into a phenobarbital coma to make it stop. They said I would have for certain died if I'd had it anywhere other than already in a hospital. I also broke 6 ribs, dislocated my shoulder and fractured my wrist and orbital socket it was so violent.
NEVER let anyone cold turkey you.

 

[Xorkoth]

I'm so glad you left this guy finally. To be honest I think, at whatever point you start thinking about relationships again, that you need o figure out why you keep choosing guys who abuse you. There are plenty of good guys out there who would NEVER hurt you like that, or resent you for paying attention to your daughter. God that pissed me off so bad just reading about it.

I can relate to feeling like you need something to survive, I used to cover up a lot of pain in my life with opiates and it was a really dark time. The best advice I can give you is to just take it one day at a time. Figure out what is causing you pain and is not working in life, and work to correct that stuff, or get those toxic things out of your life (chucking your ex was a huge one! Do not ever go back to that loser). And then, figure out what makes you happy, and work towards that. Bring things into your life that give it meaning. Find love for yourself independent on anyone else. Only then can you really be happy.