My boyfriend broke up with me because of my partying

[Pretty_Diamonds]

He broke up with me after 1.5 yrs, about 7 months living together.

I was at school, we were text arguing when he starts to basically thank me for everything, and wishing me the best in the future.

What the hell?

I tell him thanks and I hope he finds someone who checks his criteria. He replies, "I hope so too; wish you the best".

At this point I'm bawling, rushing out of the library. How could he do this to me? Like this ?!?!

All I could see was red. I felt sick. I felt disgusted, by him, the situation, everything. I bawled for 30 mins in the bathroom trying to calm down. I was finally able to go to my class -- a good 30 mins late.

He basically said we were incompatible because I "partied too much" which was 1-2x a week, if that!

I'm a master's level therapist.
I'm a 3rd year doctoral student full time.
I'm a clinical assistant working with CPS cases specializing in substance abuse, neglect, and abuse.
I'm also certified and work with children with ASD.
I have my own car.
I pay my own rent.
I work easily 50+ hrs weeks if you count school work.
I work 7 days a week.
I'm up at 530am almost every day.

There are some weeks that I don't drink at all. Then some weeks, I'll get drunk on Saturday with him or my friends.
We don't get crazy.
We always stay together.
I've never cheated etc

He doesn't see the big picture.
He is focusing on the little details the lies, the partying.
The lies are, he previously gave me an ultimatum-- stop everything or it's done. I broke it. He stayed with me but couldn't forgive the "lie". I apologized for lying, for making a promise that I couldn't keep-- for making a promise I didn't believe in. I don't feel like I have a problem.

The big picture is our future. Our resilience together. Our strength together. Us working through this.

He is not strong enough.
He is not the one.
I am strong.
If he can't be strong through the rough times, he can't be there through the grand times.
He is only a stepping stone for me to grow and move on.
He is weak.
He can't be my rock.

Some part of me and my friends have asked...
Is this more about control?
Does he want to control me?
Limit the time I spend with my friends?
Limit my behavior?

 

[Cream Gravy?]

He sounds like a right prick and a holier-than-thou type. Fuck him. You don't need him girl, you're way better than asshats like that.

 

[Iceman1216]

His loss , you don’t need him. He was just reaching for ant straw he could find, to run away ...
Afraid of commitment ??
Sound as if you two where heading towards that big commitment ?.....

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

He sounds like a right prick and a holier-than-thou type. Fuck him. You don't need him girl, you're way better than asshats like that.

Yeah, he definitely acts like he never did any drugs -- even though he HAS! He always wants to roll, like every month --but I told him I have a once every 3 months rule. Even then, it's a little much for me.

When he is hungover, he is out of commission (as in can't work for 1-2 days--he's self-employed). But I work the next day --NO PROBLEM. He acts like I'm damaging his life since he is out of commission -- it's like, maybe YOU'RE the one with the problem and you should stop drinking then. He's like you always peer pressure me to drink etc and then I can't keep up. I'm like WTFFF.

His loss , you don’t need him. He was just reaching for ant straw he could find, to run away ...
Afraid of commitment ??
Sound as if you two where heading towards that big commitment ?.....

Possibly, which is weird since he has been talking about marriage. He said he knew he wanted to marry me after a month and he's never felt this way before, not even with his ex of like 7 years. Then he says things like, oh will you be able to stop drinking when you get pregnant, how can someone be the mother of my child when she drinks and parties so much?? I'm like, wtf.. I'm still in school -- being a mother is like at least 3 years down the line.... How can you even say that?? Of course I wouldn't drink when I'm pregnant -- WTFFF.

 

[Ganjcat]

sounds like a control freak and a bully to me your better off without him just try and learn from it so you can spot the signs next time take that as a positive

 

[nuttynutskin]

He doesn't see the big picture.
He is focusing on the little details the lies, the partying.
The lies are, he previously gave me an ultimatum-- stop everything or it's done. I broke it. He stayed with me but couldn't forgive the "lie". I apologized for lying, for making a promise that I couldn't keep-- for making a promise I didn't believe in. I don't feel like I have a problem.

What do you mean he couldn't forgive the "lie"? Sounds like this is the the reason you're broken up now. You don't think you have a problem and he does.

When he is hungover, he is out of commission (as in can't work for 1-2 days--he's self-employed). But I work the next day --NO PROBLEM. He acts like I'm damaging his life since he is out of commission -- it's like, maybe YOU'RE the one with the problem and you should stop drinking then. He's like you always peer pressure me to drink etc and then I can't keep up. I'm like WTFFF.

Maybe he can't drink without it being a problem and recognizes that? Wasn't drinking/partying causing a strain in the relationship before? Seems like you posted something a long time ago about something like that.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

sounds like a control freak and a bully to me your better off without him just try and learn from it so you can spot the signs next time take that as a positive

Yeah.. he kept threatening to break up with me so I told him, "Don't threaten to break up with me to force me to change". He replied with, "I wasn't threatening; I was serious".

What do you mean he couldn't forgive the "lie"? Sounds like this is the the reason you're broken up now. You don't think you have a problem and he does.



Maybe he can't drink without it being a problem and recognizes that? Wasn't drinking/partying causing a strain in the relationship before? Seems like you posted something a long time ago about something like that.

The lie was the ultimatum, quit everything or he will break up with me (it's in the OP). I agreed but then broke the promise. I told him that I shouldn't have agreed in the first place since it's how I chose to spend my down time and with friends.

Yeah, then he shouldn't drink.

 

[nuttynutskin]

It doesn't really sound like you guys were compatible. Sounds to me (from what you posted) that he's ready to settle down with the partying and start a family and you're not. I'd just cut your losses and move on.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

It doesn't really sound like you guys were compatible. Sounds to me (from what you posted) that he's ready to settle down with the partying and start a family and you're not. I'd just cut your losses and move on.

Yeah, he is almost 35 -- I just turned 28. I'm still in school, so yes, I still want to have fun. I'm not ready to have children. I made that clear to him though, I'm in a doctorate program -- I can't commit to kids until after I graduate (2-3 years from now).

I'm just still shocked that he would end things. I wrote him a letter and left it for him to read when he gets home.
We are still living together until I find a new place.

He asked if we could still be friends but I told him no. *sigh*

 

[awesome31311]

I was at school, we were text arguing when he starts to basically thank me for everything, and wishing me the best in the future.

What the hell?

I tell him thanks and I hope he finds someone who checks his criteria. He replies, "I hope so too; wish you the best".

At this point I'm bawling, rushing out of the library. How could he do this to me? Like this ?!?!

All I could see was red. I felt sick. I felt disgusted, by him, the situation, everything. I bawled for 30 mins in the bathroom trying to calm down. I was finally able to go to my class -- a good 30 mins late.

He basically said we were incompatible because I "partied too much" which was 1-2x a week, if that!

Sounds an awful lot like jealousy!

There is a great stigma behind having a partner who "does drugs", so to speak. By drugs, obviously I don't mean caffeine, or alcohol, I mean the socially unacceptable drugs.

Believe me, you dodged a real bullet. Find someone who is okay with you exploring your consciousness, finding yourself, partying, all that fun stuff. You'll be a lot more comfortable in the long run. It only hurt you because you had a notion that this was someone you were compatible with, obviously this bubble was burst, and the brain doesn't normally like burst bubbles. Cry, let it out, write about it, rant and rave, it'll help you get desensitized to it and forget about it.

My girlfriend decided to break up with me over my DXM use, the funniest shit was that she was hooked on hookah, which is arguably a lot worse than a once a month DXM trip. In hindsight, it was excellent. I now am in a relationship where I can talk to my girl while I'm on acid. We share some fun times.

It's better to be alone than with someone who doesn't accept your behaviors.

 

[Iceman1216]

Control freak !!!
Of course you will be a great Mom??‍???
Look at all that you have accomplished already ????
Do not chase him, will regret it for the rest of your marriage . If he smartens up and sees what he has walked away from and come. Back ?.. take it with a grain of salt
All is well

 

[Zopiclone bandit]

He sounds like a right prick and a holier-than-thou type. Fuck him.

1,000,000 times this.

My ex was the same, always trying to control me from getting high & she was more fucked up than I was when I would bring it up with her she would try & flip it back on me (it didn't work btw as I am too smart)

Walk away & leave it is my strong advice, from the sounds of it you sure got your shit together & I'm quite sure you'll go onto something good in life.
I wish you the best for all it is worth.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

You should want to be with someone who really wants to be with you. Let him jump ship and try swimming back to shore without a life boat.

You're a strong person, you're smart, you're a hard worker. Any guy should be lucky to have all that, it sounds like the whole package right there.

 

[w01fg4ng]

This guy is missing out.

 

[Medbithead]

What was the text argument over?

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Thank you everyone!!
This is definitely the support that I need.
All of my friends support me and do not think that I have a problem-- I'm the responsible one in the group!

Sounds an awful lot like jealousy!

There is a great stigma behind having a partner who "does drugs", so to speak. By drugs, obviously I don't mean caffeine, or alcohol, I mean the socially unacceptable drugs.

Believe me, you dodged a real bullet. Find someone who is okay with you exploring your consciousness, finding yourself, partying, all that fun stuff. You'll be a lot more comfortable in the long run. It only hurt you because you had a notion that this was someone you were compatible with, obviously this bubble was burst, and the brain doesn't normally like burst bubbles. Cry, let it out, write about it, rant and rave, it'll help you get desensitized to it and forget about it.

My girlfriend decided to break up with me over my DXM use, the funniest shit was that she was hooked on hookah, which is arguably a lot worse than a once a month DXM trip. In hindsight, it was excellent. I now am in a relationship where I can talk to my girl while I'm on acid. We share some fun times.

It's better to be alone than with someone who doesn't accept your behaviors.

Yes, but he even has a problem with my drinking -- even though he drinks because apparently I drink too much. I'm like, so what? I get up in the morning for work every day! I never go to work drunk, etc.

Wow, yeah, I need to find me a partner like that. I thought this guy WAS that guy though. He used to drink, party, etc with me ALL THE TIME. We met during the summer, when I work a lot less, and it was before I started the doctorate program, so we drank A LOT and partied. HE WAS FINE. Participated, etc. I told him that after the summer, usage would decrease a lot, like everyday usage to 1-2x a week. It did. So.. I don't understand. I feel like he misled me?

Control freak !!!
Of course you will be a great Mom??‍???
Look at all that you have accomplished already ????
Do not chase him, will regret it for the rest of your marriage . If he smartens up and sees what he has walked away from and come. Back ?.. take it with a grain of salt
All is well

Thank you! Yes, I thought that was so insulting-- like I specialize working with children. I work with children as a JOB.

1,000,000 times this.

My ex was the same, always trying to control me from getting high & she was more fucked up than I was when I would bring it up with her she would try & flip it back on me (it didn't work btw as I am too smart)

Walk away & leave it is my strong advice, from the sounds of it you sure got your shit together & I'm quite sure you'll go onto something good in life.
I wish you the best for all it is worth.

Thank you. Yeah, walk away with my head high. I know. It's just hard.

You should want to be with someone who really wants to be with you. Let him jump ship and try swimming back to shore without a life boat.

You're a strong person, you're smart, you're a hard worker. Any guy should be lucky to have all that, it sounds like the whole package right there.

Thank you. Sigh, it's just hard starting over. I just can't believe he would leave me. I thought I was pretty great too.

This guy is missing out.

What was the text argument over?

It was just a continuation of our previous fights. He was calling me an alcoholic etc.

 

[DopaminePrincess93]

Sounds a bit like my ex, except I was using ice once every two to three months. Yet her being drunk every day was a non issue. Ultimatums on substance use when your use isn't problematic is needlessly controlling. I left her, my partner of almost 8 years been living together for 7. This was in early March of this year.Not to be crass but all this says much more about him than it does you, especially considering how much you seem to succeeding in life, I would say you are probably better off. Focus on the future, focus on progress, focus on happiness. A little bit of anything here and there doesn't hurt. A cocktail, a bit of LSD, a little weed habit, hell even a needle full of H or meth on occasion doesnt mean dysfunction. Believe me you are bound to come across many people who will embrace you with open arms. Just find one that will treat you right and makes your heart bleep. Settle for nothing less than joy.
I found love with a friend I made a few weeks before leaving my wife. Unintentional but now my life is full of joy.
I wish the same for you. Stay strong sister

And yes this is definitely a major control issue. Say you have a problem such as addiction- a controlling or manipulative abuser will use it as an excuse for everything, to distract you and brush off anything they are doing wrong. This can be done EVEN IF YOU AREN'T ADDICTED. Been there. Everything will be okay.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Thank you. Sigh, it's just hard starting over. I just can't believe he would leave me. I thought I was pretty great too.

I know that feeling. I'm sure you're pretty great. Don't worry.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Was this the same guy? https://www.bluelight.org/xf/threads/boyfriend-often-leaves-me-when-were-drunk.784280/

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Good riddance! You were talking about him in another thread, how he would complain about your sex life, he wanted more sex all the time. I knew he was a douchebag then.

You're better off without him! I've been celibate for 8 months now and love it. Guys are not worth it, but I hope you find a good one in the future. You deserve it!