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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Need some advice

AutisticGraham said:
It doesn't help that I can easily buy alcohol 24 hours a day, at the newsagents, at the train station, airports, bowling alley, restaurants, and I can even get home delivery from an on-line off-license.
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Think it through. You go spend the little money you say you have on alcohol, get drunk, waste a few days or weeks, and then what? That didn't seem to fix any of your problems before, whats different now? You were still suicidal and hopeless while drunk, so it doesn't even seem to make you feel better overall.

It won't be the end of the world if you do, but you will find yourself in the same spot as before, falling further behind every day rather than making progress little by little.
 
But I think you missed the point - I enjoy being drunk, and hate being sober. I don't want to face the rest of my life sober, I've lived long enough now to fully understand that my future holds nothing even remotely interesting or exciting, unless of course I have drinking to look forward to. Waking up and looking forward to getting started on the drink is what I've done for years, it's all I know, and i really do enjoy it.
 
I definitely didn't miss the point. You hate your life, are unhappy, and think drinking will ease your pain. Your story is nothing new. It's cliched and far from unique. I don't think you understand how common it truly is.

My point is that it doesn't really seem like you truly like drinking. It's apparent that you are addicted and caught in a negative feedback loop, but as far as I can tell, drinking really hasn't improved your life and brought you any joy. In fact, from the story you mention, your drinking habit is largely responsible for landing you in the spot you are in, the spot that you hate so much.

You want to blame it on having autism, that it's the thing preventing you from happiness, and that alcohol is the only one who understands you and the only thing that can help you cope with this awful condition.

You want to give up, because it's much easier than taking responsibility for the enormous workload that appears in front of you. You are afraid of hope because it means you have to actually care. You have to open yourself to failure, disappointment and rejection, and force yourself to be disciplined.


I know these things because I have been there as well, and I feel them too. Perhaps I am just projecting though, and I am wrong about it all and have misjudged you. Maybe you really are hopeless and you're having a great time drinking all the time. Maybe alcohol really has improved your life and your ability to cope with your condition. Maybe you love the feeling of being hungover. I guess I can't really say for certain.
 
Your comments are greatly appreciated.

Yes, I do love drinking, and it appears to be the only way that I can eke out a bit of enjoyment from my life.

Alcohol and depression would seem to be some kind of vicious circle, which becomes even harder to break with other personality disorders thrown in. And the fact that in my heart, I genuinely want to keep drinking, sobriety seems to be so far away, a destination that I am scared of arriving at, means that I have got a cat in hell's chance of getting back on my feet.
 
Mental health disorders and drug addiction go hand in hand, so welcome to the club on that one. Drug use and depression in general are parts of the vicious cycle of addiction.

Life is a serious of cycles though. I like to think of life being similar to a stock market chart. Things go up and down all the time, and it doesn't really matter whether things are up or down on an individual day so long as they are going up over the week or month. Usually things happen slowly as well, whether up or down. Sometimes there are sharp spikes, but mostly it's gradual progressions. It's a loose analogy, but it helps me from putting unnecessary pressure on myself and stay focused on the bigger picture.

Being afraid of sobriety is pretty normal as well. It's natural to be uneasy around change and lack of familiarity. Your losing your means of comfort and celebration as well- who wants to do that? It's ok to have those feelings but you can't allow that feeling to dictate the rest of your life. The truth is that the fear is an irrational one. To fear your natural state is like being afraid of your own shadow- it can't hurt you.

Sobriety can be painful, but it isn't the sobriety that is hurting you, it's only enabling you to experience your own feelings. But when you allow yourself to be sad or cry and accept your sadness something unexpected happens, something that wasn't possible while high/drunk. You are able to move on, a weight is lifted, and you don't have to keep carrying around all your sadness everywhere you go. The sky seems a little bluer, the trees a little greener, and the birds singing all around you, and you have to stop and ask yourself- has the world always been this beautiful, or did it all change while you were asleep last night?

And as time goes on, you look back and you see how much you have accomplished. The impossible is no longer so. You're able to sleep, eat, and smile without chemical assistance. You laugh easier, and you make others laugh now. People no longer want to escape the darkness you carry around- in fact, they are attracted to the positive energy you carry yourself with. Even if there is nothing there, the way you believe in yourself as if there was is intriguing enough.

But just like you don't get drunk without opening your mouth and putting your lips to the bottle, you won't get better without working recovery. At first, it's mostly battling with yourself, trying to believe in yourself even when you don't.

If you could change anything about your life, what would your ideal life be like?
 
So was drinking as much fun as you had thought it was?

It doesn't have to be the end. We will still be here when the bottle is empty.
 
Yeah drinking is great. Just a shame that it takes all my time, money, and wrecks everything else in my life.
 
Mafioso,

Your posts are brilliant. You are so insightful and wise. I really appreciate them.

AG- From what I've read, and I did read the entire thread, you're not unique. A majority of us have experienced or are experiencing what you are. If you aren't open to changing, it won't happen without force.


It makes me angry when I hear someone go on about their horrible pain that noone could possibly understand. I have been through alot of trauma. The only difference between you and I is I'm open to trying.

Mafioso honestly covered everything. We all are pulling for you. We really do know first-hand, and from falling on our own faces thousands if times.

I was watching one if those murder/homicide shows. There was a very established physician, who had a family (a wife and 2 daughters), that he loved deeply, and he's one of the number one diabetes Drs in the United States.

One night, 2 low lifes, broke into his house, hit him in the head with a baseball bat, threw him in the cellar, then went on to tie his wife, and each daughter to their by beds. One of them raped the 11yr old daughter as well.

The story ends with them setting the house on fire and killing his wife and 2 daughters. He managed to crawl out of the basement and survived.

That Dr didn't get in bed and not get out. Which, if he did, everyone would've understood. But, he didn't. My point is, how many people do you know that have experienced what he did?

He can walk around for the rest of his life talking about that. If he turned into a raging drug addict and alcoholic, who would fault him? But, even with a justified reason, being caught in addiction is still miserable. It's just not conducive to happiness.


I hope you're ok Graham. I truly do hope you find peace.
 
Hi Graham,

There's nothing more devastating than the than the feeling of isolation that comes with feeling socially excluded, or that you are failing at this and being painfully aware of your deficits. ☹️
Alcohol is a crutch that effectively masks that pain before it itself exasperates any basic resources that at least help us to basically, function but yes functioning without being accepted, understood or loved for who we are is not enough to make living feel like its worthwhile.

I would think you need to take time to consider how to evaluate the deficits in your life, you feel more clearly and stop blaming yourself for your inadequacy - which you seem to be hyperfocused on and is keeping you stuck. Everyone has inadequacies it's just with ASD, the social and emotional needs are a million times more difficult to resolve because so called 'normal functioning society' doesn't validate the needs of the diversity of human experience - as you are probably painfully aware of.
The good news is that you are not alone in your predicament but it is a matter of navigating yourself toward facets of life that will support you.
Stop comparing yourself to others - this is pointless as you will never measure in equality, and why would you want to - many people who have met standard norms are not happy with their lives - so this is a pointless endeavour.
Work from where you are ATM, if you are suffering suicidally, their is only a way up and out of that, you just have to realise that you are stuck - which you have- and although this is the worst feeling/state this is the leverage you need to find a way out of that pain.
Endeavour to distance yourself from the perception of alcohol as a relationship/emotional substitute, it mimics its effects but keep being cogniscent of how it is disabling you from facing the pain of offering yourself some compassion.
Compassion isn't pity, it offers a real and fair perspective toward keeping you fighting and strong. You need to start making choices about what you need.
Posting here is a good idea as so many can identify and it just shows how you are not alone in this.
It seems like you've achieved so much, academically etc but maybe now is the time to start growing other areas to maintain yourself, the simpler things that are most important like, working on yourself, reaching out for people who can understand what it's like to be human, to struggle - this is part of living.
I hope you are doing ok?
 
AutisticGraham said:
Yeah drinking is great. Just a shame that it takes all my time, money, and wrecks everything else in my life.
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That sounds pretty shit to me. I could see how you think it makes your life less miserable though.

Especially when you've convinced yourself this is as good as it gets.
Stargazer said:
Mafioso,

Your posts are brilliant. You are so insightful and wise. I really appreciate them.
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Thank you, that is very kind of you to say.
Stargazer said:
That Dr didn't get in bed and not get out. Which, if he did, everyone would've understood. But, he didn't. My point is, how many people do you know that have experienced what he did?

He can walk around for the rest of his life talking about that. If he turned into a raging drug addict and alcoholic, who would fault him? But, even with a justified reason, being caught in addiction is still miserable. It's just not conducive to happiness
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That is a powerful story.
 
I can't change. I've tried too many times. I can't face a life of sobriety, but then alcohol abuse is slowly but surely killing me. If I can get a few more years of heavy drinking in before my body gives up, then I'll be happy with that. I am happy when drinking, very much so. I am more relaxed, interesting and sociable, things I never had whilst sober.
 
AutisticGraham said:
I am happy when drinking, very much so. I am more relaxed, interesting and sociable, things I never had whilst sober.
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Ok man, if you say so. I won't argue with you. I hope you're happy, I really do, it just wasn't long ago when you were singing a completely different tune.
AutisticGraham said:
I can't change. I've tried too many times.
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That isn't a reason why you can't, that is a reason why you give up or quit trying.

One thing most everyone mentions after getting clean, is how they accomplished what they thought was impossible. So with that said, just because something seems impossible doesn't mean it is. And the only way to truly prove that it is, is to continually try without success. And to truly try, you have to be willing to try new things or a different approach.

You could spend your whole life trying to roll water up a hill, and then conclude, after many years of honest effort, that it is indeed impossible to get water to the top of the hill. And there would be some truth to that- the way you are attempting to achieve your goal may indeed have no merit. Of course, all it would take is a little rain or someone to carry a bucket to prove that it wasn't the goal that was impossible, but the means attempting to achieve.
 
AutisticGraham said:
Hello guys,

I am going to ask for some controversial advice.

Before I do so, I would like to say that I do not want, or appreciate, any advice telling me to change my mind.

After a few decades I have realised that there is only one option for me.

I want to find out what pills I can acquire and use to end my life in the most painless way possible. I have a severe alcohol habit which makes me sick if I don't drink. Family and friends have deserted me, I cannot hold down a job and need a way out.

My life has been a complete mess, I'm done with it.

I am willing to fly around the world to find a pharmacy that can sell me something like methaqualone which I can knock back with some booze to make sure of things.

I have been through all kinds of counselling, please please please do not post asking me to reconsider.
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My BL friend,I was in your shoes,the Post is still somewhere. Due to high tolerance and wanting to give life just one more chance i tried to pray to JESUS CHRIST .No Church and i was never religious. Laughed it off my whole Life. I decided to give God one Chance and alone in my room spilled my heart out to Him. I wont go into Details but what happened was astonishing! I will be called corny or whatever but i want to help!!!
Try it! What can go wrong? I am also there if you need some one to listen. 24/7
Best wishes!!!!
 
I've made some huge changes in my life. Sold everything I owned and moved to start a new life in a new country. I feel like this was the medicine I needed, shame I didn't do it 10 years ago.
 
Sounds like this may be the change you need. How's the drinking? Hope everything else is good my friend.
 
Wow, that’s a massive change. How exciting! I always said that if I didn’t have kids, I would do the same- to somewhere warm year round. Let us know how you are doing once you get settled in. I am rooting for you!!!
 
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