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Recovery After a 3 month Run, I'm Done: Day 1

endlessnameless

endlessnameless

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 23, 2010
Messages
1,119
Location
Dublin
Hey folks,

To cut a long story short, I detoxed off a 3 year heroin (smoking) habit last February and after having almost 7 months clean I relapsed just before last August. Much to my disappointment I've been using 3 or 4 days a week since then, however over the last fortnight I've cut that down to twice a week in preparation for quitting.

In my clean time I got myself back into college and I achieved so much and I feel if I detoxed off a 3 year habit in February then theres no reason why I cant detox off a 3 month habit now. I've informed my college administrator that I wont be in until next monday (its now wednesday going into thursday) and told my family I've caught a severe stomach bug. I'm ashamed to tell them I've relapsed and I know their reaction will cause me to become severely depressed. Because of this I really dont have anyone to talk to while I go through these withdrawals, and even though I do keep very detailed personal journals of my own I feel I need some interaction and feedback from others so that I don't withdraw into myself, so I'm going to document the process here in the hopes that I can garner some support from the community.

Its now 23:47 and I've just finished smoking my last bag. When I wake up tomorrow I'll officially begin Day 1 and I'll begin documenting how I feel henceforth. I'll also provide some background on how I wound up relapsing and how I detoxed last February.

Now I'm not naive enough to assume I'm going to be out of the woods by the time Monday comes, however I am hoping the worst of it will be over. I have some Gabapentin (5 x 300mg tabs), Loperamide and also 12 x 12.8mg codeine tablets. I currently don't plan to use the codeine tablets unless things get unbearable in which case I can switch over to weaning with them, but for the moment I'm just going to take the Loperamide in the morning and the Gabapentin tomorrow night before bed. I'm also going to buy some xanax tomorrow afternoon for when the anxiety strikes, because that's what drove me to use this week after having three days clean.

So I think I'll end this post here and end the day here too. I look forward to getting back to how I felt before August and I've no doubt in my mind that I'll achieve my goal. I have too much on the line to let this slip up mess my life up and taint the trust I've gained from those I love. Thanks for reading and I'll be back tomorrow to give an update.

Hope you are all well,
Endless
 
Hello endless!

I sincerely hope you continue to document your journey! As a fellow heroin abuser, I could surely benefit from any input/advice you may have while attempting to quit this beast. I wish you the best. I am not where you are....yet. What I need to do and what I am actually doing are two wildly different things. But reading your post and the posts of other BLer's that are making progress in recovery, inspire me and keep me from
feeling alone.

Best of luck to you,
LM
 
A pleasure to make your acquaintance LM :)

Thank you so much for reading my post and for your reply. I'll likely feel extremely miserable over the next few days, and progressively less lucid for a time (10-12 days for me, usually) however I will endeavour to document every feeling both psychological and physical every day. I'll make my first update regarding Day 1 later this afternoon as soon as I pay off a final debt to someone I hope to never encounter again in my life. The thoughts of even meeting them is turning my stomach but I always pay my debts no matter how much of a lowlife the person I tend to owe the money to happens to be.

What's your story LM? I'd love to read it. I know I made this thread to document my recovery but I also made it to foster some communication with people in a similar situation to myself. I'm glad reading my post and posts like it brings you some solace for I know how excruciatingly lonely this road we walk is. Please feel free to ask me any questions at all or if you just want to talk we can do that here too. Anything to break the loneliness and monotony.

Thank you for your well wishes and I look forward to hearing from you again.
Night :)
 
good luck!! i'll be following too. i'm possibly leaving rehab for heroin and crack next thursday, the heroin is a longer and much more ingrained problem than crack for me (6yr addiction vs 1yr, really helping me cope with a lot of pain vs destroying my life comprehensively), so i'm more apprehensive about keeping off the gear than the light.

early recovery is both awful and wonderful. it took me nearly 2 weeks for the night sweats and mild withdrawal to completely finish but i'd been abusing subutex too which is longer acting.

have you got any plans about recovery other than not using? any meetings/other social support? i'm looking for ideas here too cos i need to fill my time when i leave rehab.
 
Thank you chinup, the more people who follow this the more motivation it will give me to warrior forth. I'm actually in college at the moment and feel that once I keep busy over the next fortnight by going to classes I'll be fine once I'm not sitting at home in my room because thats the WORST trigger for me. I'm open to the idea of counselling for my GAD however I wont be able to afford it until the new year but I need to get that in order as it was the original cause for me trying heroin. So, as promised:

+ DAY ONE

12:25pm: I awake in a lather of sweat and pins and needles from head to toe. I'll post nothing but honesty in this thread and as such I opened up the tooter from last night and smoked the residue out of it. There was barely any point as it did nothing for me. I could sense a hellish bowel movement on the way so I placed myself down on the porcelain throne and took care of business. I must have been on there for a good 25mins.
12:50pmL Symptoms getting worse so I took 2 loperamide, three codeine tablets (12.8mgs x 3 = 38.4mgs, which is very little but enough to be effective) and then I took 10mgs of xanax on top and that seems to have kept most of the physicals away.
17:20 I go on the hunt for more xanax because its looking like I might be able to get through this with codeine and xanax alone. Alas I couldnt get anyway, however I have a legit script for diazepam coming to me tomorrow so they'll suffice.

So far I'm feeling 4/10, which is not bad at all. It wont get worse for the remainder of Day 1 (6 hours left) so thats why I thought I'd update now because the one thing that is getting to me is the boredom. I've been making music with FL Studio all afternoon and I might dive back into that again this evening, see if I can get a song done a day until this is over.

I still have my gabapentin here, 5 x 300mgs and 9 x 50mgs of Lyrica if things get intense over the weekend. I can just knock back 600mgs and lie in bed until they kick in and my symptoms fade away or I pass out.
Glad I took the codeine in the end because I feel thats better than the straight cold turkey. I'm so lucky to be able to get that OTC here in Europe as I've kicked with codeine and benzos before.

I'll post back in a little while and let you fine folks know how I'm doing before I end Day 1.

If anyone has any questions for me please dont hesitate to ask or if you want to just have a chat I'm here. I'm going to write up a post offline about how I ended up detoxing in Feb and relapsing in August and I hope to have it posted later.

All the best and thank you so much for your support,
Endless
 
Best of luck to you EN!!!!

Before you know it the physical wd's will be gone, sounds like you have some good comfort meds to help you muscle through.

Know that you have all of us here loving you and cheering you on!!!!!

Really proud of you, try to be kind and patient with yourself.


Here for you anytime,
your friend,
Ash.
 
So nice to meet you Ash.

As a matter of curiosity, regarding your mention of physical withdrawals in the post above, how long do you find they typically last for you?

Thanks for your read, replay and support, and I look forward to talking again soon,
Endless
 
+ DAY TWO

Slept well last night. Woke up today feeling very cold. I've had no appetite but I ate two sausages just to get some nourishment.
Its mid-afternoon now and I can definitely feel the dread setting in. I've taken 1 loperamide for my stomach and 30mgs of codeine as the nasal drip has begun.

The anxiety is setting in strong.

I've managed to get a prescription for some diazepam and a family members going to collect them for me shortly. I think I'll have a shower and by the time I'm finished my benzos should be here.

The worst symptoms for me apart from the depression are the anxiety and the sweating, so if the benzos can take at least the anxiety and the sweating away (by keeping my heart-rate down) then the evening shouldnt be too difficult to manage.

If I cant sleep (diazepam doesnt put me to sleep, it just eases my anxiety - does anyone else have this issue?) then I have some gabapentin.

I'll try to give an update later. Beginning to feel very low. I wont give in, however.
 
counselling would definitely help- get someone who gets to the root of what causes your anxiety, not someone who just chats about your week. a lot of people offer free 1st time sessions, and i think the council (if its anything like UK) will have lists of therapists. you could potentially get all the free sessions you can before new year and be confident that when you fork out its with someone good.

also i would strongly strongly recommend you give NA a chance. its saved my life. i still find the higher power stuff hard. but i don't care, i'd never have the chance i do at life now without those guys. i'll be hitting 2/3 meetings a day if i can when i get out of rehab. it'll get you some social support from people who understand.

well done on getting through to day 2.

if you can get to the end of day 3 unless you had a massive or really long term habit, you'll be over the worst, or beginning of day 4 really cos i get the worst sweats on night 3. by day 5 you'll just be listless and still shitting a bit but mostly done. day 6 you'll start to feel human again.

i do find that using opiates like codeine for withdrawal, while a godsend at the start, draws out the listless end of the rattle quite a lot. and that can be really hard cos yo've done so well by that point you think you deserve a b. so use them as sparingly as you can otherwise you're extending your pain. i've never done a rattle without them and not sure i would get through one so i'm really not getting on your back.

i'm sorry you're feeling so anxious. there's a lot of stuff you've suppressed while using, and probably some sort of rebound. i find that it eases into the general dysphoria/listlessness by about day 5 and gets better for short glimpses from there on in.

i wrote all that cos you asked ash about how long the withdrawals lasted. i've probably rattled t least 20 times so thought i'd throw in my 2 c but it does depend on the size and duration of your habit.

edit- also yeah i don't find diazepam puts me to sleep. tbh i find it a pretty shitty benzo. zopiclone/zolpidem are better and you can probably get prescribed them on a short term basis. if you're buying benzos on the black market i find clonzepam and lorazepam better for sleep, or nitraz but fuck that it mongs you out for days, if you can get those its worth a shot. but be careful cos they are addictive and i suspect with a history of both anxiety and addiction you're gonna be susceptible to them....
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Just wanted to check in to say I relapsed. Giving this another shot. Just finishing day 1 now.

Took 40mgs diazepam, 600mgs of Gabapentin.

Taking next week off college - I've only 4 days left until christmas holidays anyway. I have to do this now, I'm off to Canada for 10 days on December 23rd.

By the way the habit wasnt huge, it was .25 3 or 4 days out of the week.

If its true that I'll start to feel better by day 6 then thats exactly the news I wanted to hear. I have 15 days to feel better...think I'll feel better in that time?
 
Just going into day 3 now, no intentions on relapsing. Insomnia is still an issue, as is listlessness. I didnt want to leave the room today but forced myself to shower. I consider that a victory. I also managed to eat.
Diazepam is doing nothing for me. I took 300mgs of gabapentin and slept for about an hour and a half this evening, however.

I have more diazepam coming to me tomorrow so I'll keep those for later in the withdrawal phase as they tend not to work for me during acute withdrawals. I took 80mgs one day and nothing.
 
I expect with approximately 6 more days until I arrive in Canada I should be feeling just about myself then. Likely I'll have a little dysphoria, but since I'm staying for 10 days that dysphoria should ease off within a 2/3 days into the trip.
Still have sweats (doubt that'll be an issue in Toronto, lol) and pins and needles. Most of that'll be gone by the time I'm leaving I imagine - likely its protracted acute withdrawals from using the codeine over the last week.
Wont be using any codeine this week, have diazepam prescribed to me which I'll be taking with me just in case anxiety hits me.

I'll pop in with an update before I fly off. Expecting my mood to get better over the course of the week ahead.
 
I don't know if you will be feeling yourself after 6 days but you will be feeling better or starting too. Withdrawal is such an individual thing it's hard to say. Some people feel renewed for awhile after kicking other people like me feel like death from PAWS for quite a while. All you can do is take it a day at a time. Damn that's cliche as fuck isn't it?
 
You're doing a great job EN!!!

Try to be extra kind and patient with yourself, I am very proud of you and I hope you are also feeling very proud of yourself.


I think by the time you travel you will feel much more with it. Maybe just bring some lop (immodium) for the trip just in case. ; ) Whoopsies aren't much fun, especially when travelling. Lol.


The diazepam will help you out for sure. Just take it when you need it.


Update before you go and have a safe flight and a great trip.

Much love and support to you my friend!! You're so awesome!!!! You got this!!!


Hugs,
here for you anytime,
your friend,
Ash.



endlessnameless said:
I expect with approximately 6 more days until I arrive in Canada I should be feeling just about myself then. Likely I'll have a little dysphoria, but since I'm staying for 10 days that dysphoria should ease off within a 2/3 days into the trip.
Still have sweats (doubt that'll be an issue in Toronto, lol) and pins and needles. Most of that'll be gone by the time I'm leaving I imagine - likely its protracted acute withdrawals from using the codeine over the last week.
Wont be using any codeine this week, have diazepam prescribed to me which I'll be taking with me just in case anxiety hits me.

I'll pop in with an update before I fly off. Expecting my mood to get better over the course of the week ahead.
Click to expand...
 
good luck endless!! you should be past acute withdrawals by then IF you stop with the codeine. i know its horrible and i've never got through a rattle without hitting some opiates to ease it off but the longer you go the lower your tolerance so the less you need to make a noticeable dent in it. so do as little as you can if you have to do any at all.

enjoy canada!

i'm going to birmingham tomorrow not really as exciting.
 
Thanks for the messages folks. The anxiety is definitely the first thing I'll be addressing in the new year.

Thankfully with the low tolerance that I had I seem to find by about the 5th day the pins and needles/sweats are mostly gone, and when they're gone I begin to feel much more positive.
I've stopped taking the codeine today, and I have 6 days until I leave on Sunday. I have 10 days over there, and I'm actually feeling pretty positive about how I'll feel on the day I'm leaving.

I'll keep the remainder of my diazepam and take that with me, and I'll try buy some of a friend to take in the interim period.
 
Sounds like you have a great game plan there EN!!!

YOU'RE AWESOME!! Hopefully by the time you leave you will be feeling good. Glad you have the diazepam to help you.

Hope you have a great day my friend. Update when you can.

Much love,
your friend,
Ash.

endlessnameless said:
Thanks for the messages folks. The anxiety is definitely the first thing I'll be addressing in the new year.

Thankfully with the low tolerance that I had I seem to find by about the 5th day the pins and needles/sweats are mostly gone, and when they're gone I begin to feel much more positive.
I've stopped taking the codeine today, and I have 6 days until I leave on Sunday. I have 10 days over there, and I'm actually feeling pretty positive about how I'll feel on the day I'm leaving.

I'll keep the remainder of my diazepam and take that with me, and I'll try buy some of a friend to take in the interim period.
Click to expand...
 
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