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Mental Health Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

I feel like I may have more problems than I know I have.

I feel too stupid to say much, being in interdose withdrawals. I would like a bong toke later on to try and calm myself down. I can feel the stress on my heart it's like a vice grip makes me squeamish. Panic attacks are not very fun, but after seeing signs of psychosis and suicidal tendencies that are actually for once serious I should really be taking it easy these days. Especially with the interdose withdrawals and pretty much being forced to quit weed (upon legalization, with a prescription...).

BPD, panic disorder, clinically depressed... but I don't trust doctors I don't think they have it right. I think I might be schizophrenic but health care is such shit here I wouldn't know unless I made a suicide attempt to skip the 2 year lineup. Sometimes I feel possessed by the devil and curse those around me, then apologize for wishing cancer upon their bodies. It's not a real apology, at the time I truly felt like I was harnessing powers of darkness and evil to curse loved ones with atrocities. I don't know much about catatonia but I could stare at a wall for days and I have lost interest in practically everything. I don't even play electric guitar anymore and had thousands of dollars of music equipment. I don't fuck around with attempts though it's always been all or nothing for me and it's getting to that point where a choice has to be made. Ruined my life with benzos and opiates, well I am entering my 30's but I'm a dead man walking pretty much.

I don't really see shit thought, sometimes spirits. No voices in my head. Completely delusional though, I would say depersonalization and derealization are in fact reality. I do not exist and life is a dream.
 
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You definitely exist, and are valued. That's for sure, as difficult as it may be to see.

Labels are just that. And humans are what they are - imperfect.

It's never too late to get the help you need, and honestly a big part of that is finding support and being able to vent, so i'm glad that you took that opportunity to post here. It seems like you have a very complex life, as a lot of us do, but the fact that you're introspecting about it goes to show how serious you are about getting the help you deserve. It's best to take things day by day, and remember that every day we have the potential to be better than the day before. Learn something new, gain new insights, meet new people, solve problems.. Sure, sometimes we may take a couple steps back, but once you've been there before, it is typically easier to rebound because you have developed the tools already.

Take care.
 
I was feeling better the last couple weeks after getting on depakote. But I've had a recurrence of really bad suicidal compulsion I guess you could call it. Like I just feel aggressively bad I'm anxious and uncomfortable. I keep thinking that I don't really want to continue with this life. It's all pain misery and boredom.
 
Hopefully depakote continues to help you.

I hear that it's fairly sedating so it may counter the effects of anxiety in time.

I hear you about boredom. Sometimes it's so chronic i just feel like there's no point existing.

Just being in complete emotional limbo also gets me down. When i can't even express my mood because i feel so empty.
 
Fuck knows why but i started taking meth after a 7 year gap.

Kept on telling myself go and use it to resolve a past issue.

Can't handle it anymore. Even washing moisturising i feel like ive aged 20 years in a week
 
It's really not worth the financial and physical costs.

It can prove to be productive at times, but 1). the batches are never the same, 2). side effects are always going to be a problem, 3). it costs way too much in certain parts of the world, and 4). it will drain you of your ability to have fun sober.

If it is an absolute necessity, i'd day get a stash and use on Fridays, so that you have time to recover.
 
madness00 said:
That's smart.

I think i was addicted to snorting them, because it was intermingled with sex.

A lot of things that give you a high, and are intermingled with sex, become addicting.

Just ask Ted Bundy.

And hey, if it's a good reason to not drink or use benzos then that's awesome.
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Propylhexedrine became intertwined with sexual activity for me. I guess studies do show that amphetamines and the reward center in the brain for sex can become intertwined or something or rather I don't know what I am saying but I think there was a study involving rat sex and amphetamines.

Notice I said sexual activity not sex.

And funny you mention Ted Bundy so casually. What a monster!



One more video after this just for giggles. If I can't get it to embed in this one it will be below this post.

 
madness00 said:
It's really not worth the financial and physical costs.

It can prove to be productive at times, but 1). the batches are never the same, 2). side effects are always going to be a problem, 3). it costs way too much in certain parts of the world, and 4). it will drain you of your ability to have fun sober.

If it is an absolute necessity, i'd day get a stash and use on Fridays, so that you have time to recover.
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I mean way to stay calm and rational here.

I suppose it is more constructive than calling like meth the devil's dandruff or spawndust from hell that will rip your life to shreds.
 
Good :)

I too feel good. Am unfortunately putting toxic chemicals in my brain for a high that is not worth paying for, yet alone experienced free.
 
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I'm sorry about that - the drug has me right now, and I stated what I did because it's all I can think about.

It's a problem, and i'm sorry that it came off more like glamorizing it.


Much Appreciated! That's why we're here. To help you overcome it.
 
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ey hey :)

I'm honestly not quite sure what may be "wired wrong" in me. I was diagnosed at 14 with depression, however I was prescribed Lexapro at that time an it tumbled me into a suicidal stranger. I never took an anti depressant/prescription again (expect for recreational).

Before I truly discovered and appreciated what cannabis gas to offer me, I was a heavy secret coke/Crack user eventually I went sober cold turkey.

Lately, I haven't been feeling bad nor good. Just sorta existing, my mind doesn't seem like it's been a part of my body recently. (Just lost in a thousand thoughts/goals/etc) trying to figure out these AWFUL mid 20s.

I've been spending more down time with my daughter, really appreciating her in her little toddler form and that has truly made me feel so fulfilled nightly when we go to sleep.

As i said, im not quite sure where my wires cross.
Sometimes I'm like I am now, others I'm sensitive and annoyed easily. Some days I'm in a generally just happy and motivated mood. I try to be a social person, I actually am pretty charismatic in the right settings (usually pubs) however, on a normal basis social anxiety prevents me from really just being "friendly", I guess you could say. I don't really put myself out there because I either have it in my head I am disliked/or weird/or TOO friendly when I actually try.

Other than that, life has been getting better in general.
Being back at work with an actual schedule and away from stay at home mom life really has just given me so easy stress relief, as strange as that may sound.

I do see a therapist and she's great,.however I do not believe she is able to really diagnose me (from my understanding) but I honestly don't focus too much on that regardless because of my dislike of pharmaceuticals and their addictive properties. My mom is a thorn in my side, an opioid addict on top of it, so I suppose that's where my issues with it stems from.

Ive been doing yoga at least 3 times a week, super relaxing. I am trying to prep myself to get back in the water on my board. From the time I started surfing it was like the best medication/therapy I ever discovered, so getting back out is a huge priority to me

As I've said before, I really enjoy this forum. I try to get in and mess around every couple days or so. :)
 
That's wonderful that you feel such a strong connection to your daughter. I know you may think, well of course, but sometimes it's hard for people to connect on such a deep level so for that i am impressed!

Being too friendly can come off as glib, i understand, but if you had to choose between being friendly or mean, you'd probably choose friendly. :) So no worries.

Sounds like you're on the up-and-up - I wish you the best, and when you feel like you're merely existing, jump on that board ;)
 
Long-term PTSD sufferer via shorter-term diagnosis. It has simply condensed my life down in to nothing...
 
PearlBoots said:
ey hey :)

I'm honestly not quite sure what may be "wired wrong" in me. I was diagnosed at 14 with depression, however I was prescribed Lexapro at that time an it tumbled me into a suicidal stranger. I never took an anti depressant/prescription again (expect for recreational).

Before I truly discovered and appreciated what cannabis gas to offer me, I was a heavy secret coke/Crack user eventually I went sober cold turkey.

Lately, I haven't been feeling bad nor good. Just sorta existing, my mind doesn't seem like it's been a part of my body recently. (Just lost in a thousand thoughts/goals/etc) trying to figure out these AWFUL mid 20s.

I've been spending more down time with my daughter, really appreciating her in her little toddler form and that has truly made me feel so fulfilled nightly when we go to sleep.

As i said, im not quite sure where my wires cross.
Sometimes I'm like I am now, others I'm sensitive and annoyed easily. Some days I'm in a generally just happy and motivated mood. I try to be a social person, I actually am pretty charismatic in the right settings (usually pubs) however, on a normal basis social anxiety prevents me from really just being "friendly", I guess you could say. I don't really put myself out there because I either have it in my head I am disliked/or weird/or TOO friendly when I actually try.

Other than that, life has been getting better in general.
Being back at work with an actual schedule and away from stay at home mom life really has just given me so easy stress relief, as strange as that may sound.

I do see a therapist and she's great,.however I do not believe she is able to really diagnose me (from my understanding) but I honestly don't focus too much on that regardless because of my dislike of pharmaceuticals and their addictive properties. My mom is a thorn in my side, an opioid addict on top of it, so I suppose that's where my issues with it stems from.

Ive been doing yoga at least 3 times a week, super relaxing. I am trying to prep myself to get back in the water on my board. From the time I started surfing it was like the best medication/therapy I ever discovered, so getting back out is a huge priority to me

As I've said before, I really enjoy this forum. I try to get in and mess around every couple days or so. :)
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Phychiatric labels are just a way for providers to group symptoms. They aren't really important to us as patients imo. I think finding and doing relaxing things is a wonderful way to improve your mental health.

I was resistant to medication for years. But over the last few months Wellbutrin and a mood stabilizer has really helped me.
 
Labels are labels. We don't live them. They aren't us. They're a biomedical, Western educated guess of something that's part of us. No need to focus on them unless necessary. Natural relaxing methods have been great to me.

I also was. For too long. Then I got into asking for certain medications. Now I work the steps. I'm overall fairly stable. I keep getting better. I am compliant. It may be hard to figure out how to explain oneself at the doc's office. But drug use messes up the whole thing. Medication and drugs are different. One is taken by direction provoked by honest discussion, the latter to feel euphoric.
 
AlphaMethylPhenyl said:
Labels are labels. We don't live them. They aren't us. They're a biomedical, Western educated guess of something that's part of us. No need to focus on them unless necessary. Natural relaxing methods have been great to me.

I also was. For too long. Then I got into asking for certain medications. Now I work the steps. I'm overall fairly stable. I keep getting better. I am compliant. It may be hard to figure out how to explain oneself at the doc's office. But drug use messes up the whole thing. Medication and drugs are different. One is taken by direction provoked by honest discussion, the latter to feel euphoric.
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I have a hard time explaining myself to doctors as well. I'm guilty of drug seeking while also trying to get legit help which really complicates everything
 
madness00 said:
I can't get ADD meds because i have a substance abuse history :|
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It's not always a lost cause. I have a benzo script with a substantial substance abuse history. You'll just need lots of documentation of symptoms, testing, and diagnosis. Then you may have to fail the non stimulant options. But if you need it in a non drug seeking way you shouldn't give up
 
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