Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

[ShroomySatori]

Thank you. My whole life feels like it has been trauma looking back. I have so many regrets. I feel that I did nothing right and everything I could wrong. Fucked up so bad it had to be intentional self sabotage.

Yea I am trying to keep my anxiety med dose low and no etizolam. That one is very euphoric and not for me. I was taking so much of it in comparison to how much of a real benzo I require that I feel unstable from it and depressed, and also stupid a bit. I'm not as smart as I used to be I can tell from the math I've been doing. Also, my vision isn't right making this switch blurry, but to xanax it is easiest to go to a real benzo. Maybe I just need to get used to it again. But I think that much etizolam messed my head up for the time being. It is very euphoric while benzos are not so it would make sense I'd feel low and depressed not taking it anymore and it has been a little while. Switching to xanax and valium but eventually klonopin instead of valium and the doses don't match up at all. It's more like 10mg etizolam would do about what 2mg xanax does for me, I thought my actual benzo tolerance was way higher than it is but it is still in the death zone.

My sleep has been rough I go to sleep past midnight and wake up at 5am sharp when it is time to dose. My brain knows, the xanax is like an alarm clock. I lowered my dose of that though cause I have more valium. It's a mess of a situation lol just reading that. I'm probably going to end up dead but what am I supposed to do at this point when I would die from not having the drug.

Other than taper but on top of opiate post-acute withdrawals and I swear I haven't been the same since I took Mdma once this year but it was in like March and my body was still very weak. Vulnerable to the damage that drug causes and maybe it finally got me but I really don't think one night makes a difference versus all the opiates for years on end. Truth is post-acute withdrawals are lasting a very long time for me and there was a period of time after the sickness when I felt great before I started to mentally feel awful. I don't know if that's normal but I had about a month of clarity before hell set in. I've never been the same it's definitely from being off high doses of opiates.

I'm nervous about tomorrow, real nervous. Staying up getting stoned to not think about it as much. I don't know what happened to me or why. I had a great life and all of a sudden I had nothing because my back hurt too much. I don't know what to say my head feels so blank right now. I've been awake for too long. I can't sleep but I don't have the energy to do anything and my mind feels weighed down I hate this feeling I get it all the time it's such a fog. Ugh why I like coffee so much and stimulants in general now and disliked them before.

Woah, now there's an idea. I still have plenty of Ibogaine and iboga root extract. That was helping me before I wonder if a really low dose a day could do something still. Felt more like myself and I pretty much require a stimulant of some kind at the moment. May as well be a psychedelic one. It actually makes a lot of sense and I think that was the flash of lightening in my horoscope that was mentioned. That is a very good idea I am glad I am writing it down before bed since I stored that deep far away and yeah it is time to microdose. I am making a habit of doing that for the season of autumn so I'm starting a little late this year. It is time. I couldn't take anything for a really long time but right now I need this one it is a good medicine for depression after drug abuse.

 

[Painful One]

I know exactly how you feel on pretty much everything you said. I definitely can relate to the self sabotage and feeling like you fucked up everything in your life. The thing is though, that this life is just a learning experience. We actually chose the hardest things for us to overcome in order to advance. It may seem as if you have made no progress but you have. True progress also. Progress that matters! How much money you made and all your possessions and worldly "success" is not something you can take with you or something that truly even matters. Our society has a very messed up perspective on what "successful" actually means!

If the ibogaine helps you and does not make anything worse then go for it. I think those types of things are very sacred and can give one a lot of insight and healing when used properly and with the right intent.

What is it that you are nervous about for today? I always find myself nervous for weeks before Thanksgiving or Christmas or anytime that I know I'm going to have to deal with my family. It makes me sick from anxiety over it. It's ridiculous that just having a dinner with them causes me to feel this way.

I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping also. I have a very broken sleep schedule. It is 3:00 a.m here and I have been up since 2:00. I'm going to try to go back to sleep soon but I can't sleep yet.

You are doing a great job with your medication and usage. You sound very good and are coming through clear. You are getting healthy again. Keep up the good work. These chronic health problems we have are really hard ones. Just do the best you can and don't worry about the rest. I think the post acute opiate withdrawal will be gone soon. A switch of medications is always a rough process but it does stabilize out after the adjustment period. You are doing a good job.

 

[ShroomySatori]

I don't have any weed. It's an important day. I don't know what to say I'm a vegetable without it.

 

[Painful One]

I was wondering where you were Ash! I have been worried about you.
I have not posted as much either due to "problems".
I have been too sick to check up on anyone and have just popped in and out when I can.

Geez! I'm so sorry to hear you got that kind of treatment from your doctor.
That is why I am scared to say anything and have suffered through it for two years. Same as you.
I almost jumped out of the car the last time I went a day without my pain medication.
I'm really at the point where I am going to die from weight loss and pain if I don't say something.

I understand that the doctors have to worry about the future and what will you do if you become tolerant to the highest dosage and there is no pain relief to be had but on the other hand, no one can live in this type of chronic pain for long. It will be suicide.

What a fucked up place to be huh?

I'm so, so sorry you are going through this also! This is just beyond my wildest dreams and just an impossible problem to have.

You think this is tolerance withdrawls too. That just sucks!
I'm going to ask about this chronic pain rehabilitation inpatient program that I saw mentioned on the link I posted.
Supposedly they teach you how to "live" with the pain but all the things they mention- exercise, meditation, etc. I am already doing on my own! They apparently have some kind of swimming therapy that is supposed to help. Maybe we can check in together.
I will let you know what I find out.

Sending you lots of love and prayers going up for you!

 

[Painful One]

I don't have any weed. It's an important day. I don't know what to say I'm a vegetable without it.

I understand. Hope you made it through your day alright and managed to score some weed Shroomy.

Looks like Ash deleted her post but I saw it. Poor Ash is having to go cold turkey for two weeks off her medication!
That was the answer she got from her doctor about the "tolerance issues".
Pray for Ash my friends. I couldn't make it two weeks. No f- ing way!

 

[ShroomySatori]

I was surprised as it was Taurus day the moon in my sign and it seemed like such a shit day. Woke up before 5am as usual and felt like shit for the proceeding 12 hours. I had like 2 bong rips and after 15 years of all day every day I am sort of addicted as fuck. I exhausted all options until of course I got lucky. As it is dangerous for me not to have weed I self harm and freak out and it's gonna land me in a ward if I run out of that. Which doesn't sound so bad, maybe there are cute girls there who are like too horny for society or something.

Anyways my friend pulled through got some outdoor beauty indica and sativa I've smoked it a few times he likes holding it the bastard. lol. But I got a good few grams well a quarter and a gram of hash I smoked in 2 hits that they made and it was ambrosial just amazing to smoke. Such fucking damn good hash. And just in time for work, well, they both showed up at the same time. So I made some money I think enough to get chron xans and dye my hair a subtle dark blue and get a haircut I have in mind. Then I didn't miss out on the important part of the day and I would have without the herb.

Still depressed.

 

[Painful One]

Glad you got by with a little help from our friends!

Happy Thanksgiving friends.

There is hope. Don't give up.
Keep on shining no matter the hardships given to us.
We shall overcome!!!

 

[Squeaky]

I didnt see Ashs post but I gather she did just what I have been avoiding- telling my Dr whats really going on. Two weeks cold turkey sucks!!

Praying for you Ash....

 

[EPL1]

Hi Painful One,

Thanks for caring.

Love to you all, struggling or suffering for any reason. I am here for you all.




your friend,
Ash.

I understand. Hope you made it through your day alright and managed to score some weed Shroomy.

Looks like Ash deleted her post but I saw it. Poor Ash is having to go cold turkey for two weeks off her medication!
That was the answer she got from her doctor about the "tolerance issues".
Pray for Ash my friends. I couldn't make it two weeks. No f- ing way!

 

[EPL1]

Yes I did.

To say it "didn't go well" would be a huge understatement.

Thank you though Squeaky, I love you all and I will take all the prayers I can get.

Your friend,
Ash.

I didnt see Ashs post but I gather she did just what I have been avoiding- telling my Dr whats really going on. Two weeks cold turkey sucks!!

Praying for you Ash....

 

[ShroomySatori]

Ash, sorry you had to experience that. The doctors should know their own medications, don't you think? It is not really all that possible to reset opiate tolerance to begin with. There is no sense to what your doctor is doing.

I have been having problems with benzos and my doctor I guess I deserve it cause I do a lot of xanax on the side but it has still made me lose trust in her, she promised not to take me off my anxiety meds and the only other one who will script me val is my doctor who scripted me percs. i feel manipulated like she swooned me at first with a weed script even tho it's legal now anyway and both systems are shit and now wants everything her way. Whatever I have my xans, which I should not be doing to begin with if I could just talk to her.

I had a good day today though, but it was soooo moon in sagittarius during mercury retrograde. that was my day, lol, and involved scoring more weed and xans proactively so i don't have to worry about that shit for a while now. but the weed is so so fucking good i am smoking the hell out o it. she's gonna go, oh well, i never really fully run out just encounter close calls. today was just one enormous miscommunication in so many ways but there is good news as well. you would not believe the job opportunity i was given. it is essentially to be a business partner with someone i wish i could say more about but who is brilliant and would be a good business partner and mentor. but i'd have to work my ass off, use all the creaitivity i have, and just work work work to make this happen but i could be making so much money and running a company. this opportunity just came to me today, somebody has finally recognized my intelligence and the value and potential of what i can do. it's actually just amazing and i wish i could say more because it's super cool what i'd be doing and i'd be helping so many people. i just need to do a ton of networking and find creative strategies to do so. pretty much. dude was saying it shouldn't be as hard as i think it might be. there is so much to it.

fuuck this weed is amazing though i went from outdoor to this fire. it is so potent and i already smoked a gram and forgot to take my xanax pill i've been so baked. see, ya gotta put a taurus touch on every day. throw in a little hedonism. but yeah today was crazy randomly hectic and all about money and business relationships and sorting shit out like my mind is racing from everything and i got lost driving around.

 

[EPL1]

He knows full well what he's doing, he's aware that that isn't a possibility.

Me, Painful One, Squeaky and any one else on pain management knows the score. We are all walking a tightrope with our dr's right now. Living script to script. And I usually just suffer in silence, but I don't have anyone else that understands.



Your business opportunity sounds really good, I will think good thoughts that that comes to fruition for you!!

Thank you for your reply shroomy, you sound good lately, you're a good person, try to be more kind and patient with yourself. Here for you anytime my friend.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

Ash, sorry you had to experience that. The doctors should know their own medications, don't you think? It is not really all that possible to reset opiate tolerance to begin with. There is no sense to what your doctor is doing.

.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Yeah thanks for your message. I agree about the doctors. I hold resent. I'd like a little morphine but wouldn't bother. I've had a lot of anxiety lately and don't really know what to do.

Hope you get well soon and sort this medical stuff out it sounds pretty lame. You probably can't do as much.

Thanks for your message, I can be a good person when I take care of myself. I will keep that in mind I can sometimes use a friend these days.

 

[Painful One]

He knows full well what he's doing, he's aware that that isn't a possibility. He and all the other dr's right now in North America are scared shitless to keep their pain patients, they are frightened of pissing off the governing bodies. Trying to get all their pain patients off any opiate medication. That's what's going on.

Me, Painful One, Squeaky and any one else on pain management knows the score. We are all walking a tightrope with our dr's right now. Living script to script. And I usually just suffer in silence, but I don't have anyone else that understands.



Your business opportunity sounds really good, I will think good thoughts that that comes to fruition for you!!

Thank you for your reply shroomy, you sound good lately, you're a good person, try to be more kind and patient with yourself. Here for you anytime my friend.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

Hi Ash,

Good for you for telling him- "NO! I'm not doing that, I'm in pain!"
That is correct and we are not doing it! We can't.
What a joke the medical system has become!!
It is bad that we cannot be honest with our doctors.
I see that now. It is a good thing you took the heat and gave it a shot but I think we know what we can all expect now.

That is no good either! It gets us into other problems that are not good for our health by trying to stretch our stash and having to do other things to fill in the gaps.
Shroomy's Doctor that gained his trust has now broken that also and that is horrific for him also.
I'm sorry it went down like that my dear friends.
I truly am. It just disgusts me and makes me so angry!

I guarantee you that none of these doctors or their families or the government people are suffering any shortages of medications!

We will just have to keep on doing the best with what we have got. I hope it remains enough to keep us all alive. Definitely not alive and well but alive.

ShroomySatori- that is great news about the possible business opportunity! Go for it!!
You will be awesome!

I love you all very much!

 

[ShroomySatori]

Thanks that is going to take a lot of initiative. I'm a kush fiend burnout aha. I see the potential though, and what I'm doing first is just a little research. I can surely do that.

I am feeling better these days, except I am encountering problems with back pain. Sometimes like this morning it has been bad. I'm not sure if it is the frigid weather (1F or like close to -20C) or if it the depression lack of activity that made it come out of remission. It hurts, I should be going to more yoga. My friend asked if I wanted to go and that should be fun and help motivate each other.

This sort of confirms what I had in mind, that the etizolam is bad stuff for me and when I switched to a real benzo things have been better and I am on a much lower dose of that drug. I have to be careful with dosing them, and not dose too much that is all. I think someone took some of my valium but you know how us tranq addicts are. That happened a few days ago, so I assumed I took them and put stored them away since it's important to have those.

I find myself having a hard time with depression and managing my time, coffee helps. I was never into it before, made me anxious. It seems that I'm depressed now and it helps me fave the energy to do things and in return this improves my chronic pain condition. A little dextro-amphetamine might be nice. The last thing I need to do is take some other drug than the ones I require for now

I am a sleepyhead, with a coffee I should be able to have a productive day. I started journal writing since my memory is bad. I write about my days and important things and dates (not those kinds of dates) ... I should probably get a calendar. It's hard to stay organized when you have physical pain holding you back. It was hard enough to shave and shower, get dressed, have breakfast this morning but the sunrise was really nice, and smoking weed outside in the crisp air is pleasant to me. I like to smoke at sunrise and sunset. And if I had a job I would have been ready to go to work this morning. Def would have coffee earlier though been awake for 4 hours and it is not yet 730. I sometimes forget people live in different time zones than me here. I am not in sync quite yet.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Today is soooo a full moon in Gemini associated with planet of the mind, Mercury, with a touch of its current retrograde. I have a crush on my pop culture icon astrologer. She is well quite hot but also spot on so often I can't help but be superstitious. Whenever Pluto comes up, btw, you gotta be careful about any energies involving drugs as Pluto is the lord of the underworld - of all that is secret and sketch - and problems associated with these activities may come up. Like having a pain flare and then running out early later on for example. I always watch out for missed connects when I need drugs, etc. or it will actually precisely predict the time of the link when I get my pot. Whatever. I create my own reality.

Can you not get pure loperamide I mean if you're going to use it why not pay less and not have to take all those binding agents. This would be very easy to do. Just saying. Not sourcing. Although if I were presently using I could get an ounce of the stuff 28 grams for very cheap that I could easily afford it and I have practically nothing. I know price discussion is not allowed I am just saying that this is available to people who use a lot of loperamide. Nothing more. When I was trying to use it in withdrawal, the biggest problem was how expensive it was and that is why I'm bringing this up. I don't know didn't they make it illegal in the states or something though, I am curious now.

Doing okay today but in a few hours things are going to get challenging for me. It's just a workout but with the anxiety and stuff and hanging out wit a friend I feel sketched out I'll prob pop an extra xanax there is a time and place for that. Just not every day, I am finally pretty much stabilized with about an hour of real bad intradose withdrawals and that's it. The etizolam has been phased out apart from the odd dose, it's just way too addictive and was clearly not working anymore for me. I feel better not using it but there is some rebound depression, to be expected.

 

[EPL1]

Thank you for being so kind Painful One. Let's hope things turn around at some point. We love you too.

Ash.

Hi Ash,

Good for you for telling him- "NO! I'm not doing that, I'm in pain!"
That is correct and we are not doing it! We can't.
What a joke the medical system has become!!
It is bad that we cannot be honest with our doctors.
I see that now. It is a good thing you took the heat and gave it a shot but I think we know what we can all expect now.

That is no good either! It gets us into other problems that are not good for our health by trying to stretch our stash and having to do other things to fill in the gaps.
Shroomy's Doctor that gained his trust has now broken that also and that is horrific for him also.
I'm sorry it went down like that my dear friends.
I truly am. It just disgusts me and makes me so angry!

I guarantee you that none of these doctors or their families or the government people are suffering any shortages of medications!

We will just have to keep on doing the best with what we have got. I hope it remains enough to keep us all alive. Definitely not alive and well but alive.

ShroomySatori- that is great news about the possible business opportunity! Go for it!!
You will be awesome!

I love you all very much!

 

[EPL1]

Resent is all I've got brother. I get it. Thank you though, for your kind words Shroomy, I hope things straighten out with your Dr as well. Not really much of a way to live the way things are now.

And you have friends in all of us here. Here for you anytime,

Your friend,
Ash.

Yeah thanks for your message. I agree about the doctors. I hold resent. I'd like a little morphine but wouldn't bother. I've had a lot of anxiety lately and don't really know what to do.

Hope you get well soon and sort this medical stuff out it sounds pretty lame. You probably can't do as much.

Thanks for your message, I can be a good person when I take care of myself. I will keep that in mind I can sometimes use a friend these days.

 

[ShroomySatori]

May the wind always be at your back and the sun upon your face
and may the wings of destiny carry you aloft to dance with the stars

I mean, tapering myself off isn't the end of the world. I already managed to stabilize myself and heavily reduce when I was taking over 100mg of etizolam a day. Then switched over to something that isn't as bad for me and works better. The anxiety is really getting to me still because I'm not taking high doses I'm trying to cut back and I wish I could get into a psychiatrist or particularly a psychologist, both could help me but I'd have to attempt suicide to see anyone or wait like a year or 2. People have it worse than me like ten year olds who are really messed up and still can't be treated, my doc was saying which is crazy but yeah it really isn't any way to live for me anymore. I shouldn't mess around with this business opportunity but I find myself pretty lazy today about it. So tired of 4 hour sleeps. Things need to change though and soon and if I found the initiative for this I could make a fortune. I might ask businesspeople I know for advice or help they might be interested I could even run a crew.

I shouldn't mess around with my health either, done with drugs other than ones that are necessary the tree and the alprazolam. Sucks how my panic disorder got so bad I need that now but life goes on. I am nervous about leaving here today but it will be good for me. Just so much anxiety I'll have to take an extra bar, I have a little stockpile of them now anyway so whatever. I want to go to yoga with my buddy what am I going to do too paralyzed by anxiety to text and say I can't make it. Not going to waste my life away I've already been anxious all day and also busy today taking lower doses breaking quarters off the bars.

 

[Painful One]

Hi guys,

ShroomySatori- I understand about the terrible anxiety when you have to leave the house or do things with friends / family.
I have been so anxious over Thanksgiving that I had major problems from it for weeks before. It is so dumb that just having a meal with my family should make me so upset. .? I was not like that at all before this chronic pain thing. I guess the fact that no one really understands other than us who also deal with it and the fact that a pain flare can happen anytime and I can loose control of myself just horrifies me.

But....I did go to Thanksgiving dinner and I stayed and played games with the family. Played with the kids and I really had a great time! I do find (most of the time) that if I can just force myself through the anxiety and get out, that I enjoy myself and start to loosen up and don't feel so self conscious or worried constantly that I am going to have a pain attack. I feel like myself again if only for a short time.

I am completely wiped out tired today. I just woke up. Lol! It is 1:30 in the afternoon. It wipes me out to do stuff.
I mean- I didn't just wake up of course there were the three to four times during the night woke up in pain and had to dose some medication and wait until I could go back to sleep but this is the longest sleep I have had for ages! I needed it badly!

Ash- I was planning on having an honest talk with my doctor next week when I see him but you have changed my mind about that!
I think it is best to just not say anything and I guess I will just keep on "plugging" my MS Contin low dosage since it has given me more relief even though it is raising my tolerance and who knows what else?! It has been an effective way to get myself a bit better pain control.

Squeaky- I hope you are doing alright and are stable again.

Winter and the cold sure do make my pain a lot worse. Stiffens me up badly. Every year I get afraid I am going to go paralyzed because movement is just so damn difficult. Just the basics like showering and dressing are such a challenge.