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Recovery IV FENTANYL DETOX(long post)

Thanks a lot Ash. Yea I'm taking the outpatient program/recovery waaaay more seriously than I expected. I feel like I'm naturally ahead of the game just from being such an anxious, self-observational nut. Realizing that 90 percent of my family are toxic fucks who apparently told the world I need to go away to rehab, but never voiced their concern to me or even sent a fucking text asking how I'm doing post detox.

I do like going to O.P. 3?'s a week though because it's a clinical model, not a 12 step, or NA/AA. I'm going to check out NA meetings when I go visit friends from back home in the city. I just don't like the model of NA/AA. I mean the social aspect of it is great, no doubt, and it seems to work amazingly for A LOT of people. I'm sure I'll get some good pointers, meet some good people, and remind myself why I don't abuse opiates anymore, by dropping by a meeting every now and again, but I feel like those programs (because i've had 2 close friends go through them years before my addiction, 1 succesful, 1 not) make you not accountable for your actions. The whole powerless thing? I'm not fucking powerless. I'm not giving myself to god. I'm an atheist that was raised christian and confirmed. Nothing against it, but it's just not me. I don't want to identify myself as an addict 20 years clean from dope.

And, not that I'm thinking about it or even considering anywhere in the near future (because i'm enjoying being sober despite my physical pain), I can't see why I can't have a couple of beers down the line and every now and again or drop some E at 48 hour rave in Germany haha.

So aside from those two topics and small hits of heavy depression, I'm feeling the best in years and Im already 4 days back at the gym (7 days ago i almost passed out from showering). JUST SAY NO KIDS!

Anyway, thanks for sending the love and support!! What's your story anyway??? You go through any of these programs?
Trip
 
Hi trip,


Here was one of my first posts. I am fortunate that I don't have an addiction issue, but I am dealing with the war on chronic pain patients here.

"I am on pain management and I am legally prescribed opiates for chronic pain due to Degenerative Disc Disease, herniated discs and fusions. I take my medication as prescribed. Having said all that, I stopped my meds on my own because I am sick of all the hassle and hoops I have to go through to get my pain meds."

I realized I was doing myself no favors, suffering in intractable pain, so I went back on my medication. Thankful I did. But the climate is really against us here so i will have to fight to stay on it.

Take care,
Ash.
 
Thanks Ash, but I'm too early i'm to early in recovery to recieve compliments (lots of daddy issues) ; )

Ughhhh it's so awful being in 24/7 pain and dealing with these doctors and people telling you how bad those pills are. It's like "hey asshole, do you know how bad it is being in pain your entire life?"
You're right about not being in pain; constantly suffering in pain is similar to being an addict in the sense that you're not really living a life. Even after all of this I'm not anti drug. Quite the opposite in fact.

Just make sure you have a PM doctor you trust and will work with you. I couldn't even make an appointment at some PM offices. They basically answer the phone and say "We don't prescribe narcotics." Even after telling them I was prescribed already they still wouldn't let me make an appointment.

Also I suggest longer acting, less abusable opiates such as time release oxy, this way if you're ever tempted down the line to double up or abuse it, you won't get that hit you recieve from instant release.

One doctor years ago wanted to put me on a low dose of methadone to control my pain while decreasing addiction risks. So there are options if you ever find yourself slipping. For me that's the.nuclear option down the line. I'm waiting a while for my brain to zero out where kratom works again, and it does work better than any opiate overall, with really limited addiction risks,
Food for thought.

Later Ash, thanks.
 
Yes CJ!! Not to mention you can have seizures detoxing from ONLY opiates. I did. Very severe seizures too, on top of vomiting and being drenched in sweat for weeks. I was in full-blown psychosis as well.

I don't drink and only take benzos occasionally.

It really is a very dangerous myth. You absolutely can die and have seizures detoxing from only opiates.

TRIP- the difference between using and not using hydro cortisone w how your tracks look and feel is like night and day. I can personally attest to that. Along w many others I've told about it.

I hope you give it a try. And right about the hydro CORTISONE rather than hydrocodone?! Lol. Great job Trip! That's really liberating though.

I'm struggling today. Bad. I am having intense cravings. I'm low on money right now. I could use it to get something but it would leave me in a not so good place financially. I'm taking it a minute at a time today. That's why I found your thread today--it helps to read your journey. :)
 
Ash! I'm only just seeing this! We have more in common than you think! I plan on starting my own thread but I just can't seen to stop reading right now!

Trip I read every word of your story! It is absolutely terrifying! My heart and prayers are with you friend!

And fatstep.... scared me beyond belief! I hope with all my heart that you can find some relief!
 
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Thank you Cat! Yea it's unreal what drugs can do to a person, but I'm somehow doing really well so far. I just have to reign it in sometimes and not get too far ahead of myself. I was worried about this being a sort of bipolar high from coming off, but I've had fights with family and some pretty shitty moments mentally/emtionally (excluding pain condition), which left me in a "depressed" state for bit each time, which is totally normal given the circumstances.

I had to cut my entire family, including my mom, out of my recovery. I'm still living here, and we're doing ok. I told her how grateful I was for everything she did and is doing for me, and I apologized for everyhing I put her through. But at the same time, 1 day after this convereation, she crossed boundaries that I told her she cannot if she wants to be included in my recovery. Today I went to my first 1 on 1 outpatient and my councelor was nice enough to put me on a waiting list for a sober house. So if things get too bad here, I won't have to wait as long.

I'm glad to hear you refrained 10. I know how hard that can be. Actually I don't because I never refrained haha... yea im going to try it tonight. I'm pretty sure I killed my vein in my left arm though.... it looks darker than other veins... who the fuck knows...

Also have to swallow my words from prior post. Yesterday I felt so betrayed by the only person that seems to truly care in my family, that i was practically catatonic for 4 hours. I eventually snapped out of it and drove out of town. Wasnt sure what i was doing or where o was going exactly, but i certainly wasnt picking up. Wasnt even a thought.

I ended up looking up NA meetings. I got food and just being around people and ordering etc.. i started to feel better. I then drove an hr to this church and waited 40 minutes to go in the parking lot. I was very hesitant to go in. I disliked the whole idea of AA/NA and 12 steps. Plus i went to a small one once nearby and it was depressing as hell.

Anyway, I walked in 15 mins early and sat down uncomfortably. Within 40 seconds I knew I made the right decision. These people were so fucking cool, so kind, so loving, and sooo understanding I've never experienced anything like it. I guess it's the feeling "normal" people get from their families.

These people cared more about what was going on with me then my own sisters and relatives who gossiped before I went to detox, yet couldnt find the time to send a text to ask how i was doing or whatever.

Don't get me wrong, some people aren't there for the right reasons. But that's a minority. And there was about 6 of them that were all over me. I felt attacked with positivity which was fucking foreign to me. So I may not agree with certain philosophies... the higher power to me i guess is the group, and everytime i see God in the text, i cringe, but.it's microscopic compared to the positivity and social/family like atmosphere.

Bottom line is, I was fucking wrong. NA is cool as fuck, you might just have to find the right group. I'm sticking with this one and look forward to driving an hour to it tmrw night. Peace and love you damned bluelighters!

P.S. these last few days were the first time in years that i was early for appointments. I was like "who the fuck is this guy?"
 
:)

Your post made me smile! Thank you!

I'm so damn proud of you. I'm gushing happiness and love for you over here!

Nice job for getting through the craving, family bullshit, and having an open mind about getting some help!
It made me so happy that you found a cool and supportive group of people!

Good job on setting boundaries with people also. Your recovery and health is the most important thing!
I wish others could get that!

Much love, support and peace to you brother!
❤️
 
Thank you painful! Just got back fromn 2nd meeting. It really is a good feeling STARTING to become an actual man again instead of the awful, immature, terrified, dopehead I was for this last year, and of course legit addict for at least 6 years prior.

I'm finding it bizarrely easy to not use. I have zero inclination so far to pick up opiates again, or anything else that I would abuse. I even quit smoking and have been eating right (as right as my stomach will let me) and getting to the gym.

The real struggle, as you know all too well, is the pain. I read your bio and it's a bit overwhelming too say the least. Do you take any narcotics for pain relief??? How do you cope? I was hoping that my pain was all just some subconscious ruse that was being perpetuated by an addiction, but after being sober for almost a month now, it's 100 percent real. It's the same pain I felt as a teenager, and the same pain I felt that the opiates dulled down. Hope youre feeling ok. And thanks for the support.

Trip
 
Good for you Trip :). Glad you found a good meeting.

I like NA. I don't agree w every single thing. Sometimes certain people can be annoying. But, I find that to be the case w alot of things in life. Any support group has people that can be extremely annoying Sometimes, the people that complain about hating listen to people whine do the most whining. If you're not being court-ordered to attend meetings, you can always leave if you don't like the meeting. You're not being held hostage lol.

A majority of the people in NA have been very kind and welcoming to me. I stick to the meetings that I like. Just like you liked the one you went to - I feel better after I go.

Don't be let anyone discourage you Try things for yourself first. Form your own opinion. Keep an open mind - you may be surprised at what you like. Seriously.

Sorry about the painful stuff w your family. I get being so hurt you feel catatonic. But look how well you handled it! Getting out - anywhere - is so helpful and calming right?! Seeing other people doing ordinary things - ordering fast food lol, anything - reminds me life goes on. And that I'm ok and really can do this.

Mom's - and Dad's can be triggering af. Boundries definitely are a must. A sober living house - great idea. Keep up the good work.
 
The pain. Yeah. I understand that too.

When I went to rehab, it was a chronic pain program. For people that need pain control and struggle w addiction.

It was a great place. It was amazing to be around people that understood chronic pain. It can be so isolating. There is so much more to chronic pain than just the pain.

Opiates become less and less effective. I was taking 5 80mg oxycontin and that wasn't enough. That led to a bundle and a half of dope a day (a gram and a half). On top of pain meds. That stopped working. It's a never-ending cycle.

Pain management is part pharmaceutical, part physical ( like going to the gym, physical therapy) and part mind/spiritual. Such as learning bio-feedback. I can lower my heart-rate using guided meditation type practices. You have to find out what helps you.


I find Lyrica helpful. I know you are supposed to build it up in your system. But, I'm scared if I take it everyday it will not be as effective for pain. I've been on so many meds that worked for awhile, then stopped working that I'm scared.

Sorry for the long posts. Stay on your path, and don't let anyone or anything deter you from it. I promise, its never a good idea.

You're from the East coast? You know what a "bundle' is. I forgot.

Where are you from? I'm about 10-15mins from Center City (Phila). Great right?
 
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Trip I hope you are well! I also feel like it is easy to stay clean however my addiction problem is like a sinister nightmare and I feel it is lurking in the shadows waiting for me to get cocky and put my guard down!

Then all hell could break loose by no exaggeration.
 
Jesus lmao. I'm sorry but I haven't seen a worse place with stronger dope than Philly, Kensignton area especially, was like Dawn of The Dead during the day time. People walking around with their eyes half closed, tweaking, Methadone'd out, or looking to steal/cop. Real sad what's happening in this country. I've shot up while 20 people were brawling 2 cars next to me, homeless fights, watched literally up to a dozen cop cars fly past me multiple times and stop 1 or 2 blocks away from me while almost having a heart attack. I'm an NYC boy and know all too well what a bundle is lol.

I'm about 2 weeks into Lyrica, and I know about being nervous about it not working. I've tried everything and reaaally need a win here. I've read about people taking it sporatically, but the real long term success stories seem to be a regular regiment.

For the first time in years I'm following Doctor's orders on how much to take. It seems to be working to an extent, but i just started my proper dose yesterday, so I will keep updated over the next few weeks. I still can't work or concentrate like I did on narcotics, because the pain is too much, and another part of Fibro, are the flare ups.

I could be in the best mood ever and be so positive about everything and than pacing around or rolling in bed for 3 hours in agony. It gets so bad I actually have inflicted pain to get some relief, but now I'm using a Quell unit (look it up) on full blast to do that safely. At the very least it's a distraction. If i get 20 things that decrease my pain 2-4 percent, I'm back in business. The Cure and Alice In Chains helps a lot too lol.

I was going to pay up and go to a program like that; there's only a few in the country so we're most likely talking about same one in PA or Florida right?? I'm glad I didn't because I really believe if I didn't kick soooo hard, I'd still have an inclination to use. I have no fond memories of using. All I remember is fucking pure misery.
 
And yes 10 years I agree about the whole keep an open mind but form your own opinion. It can be a little pushy, especially for an athesit. I feel like i have to keep it a secret because they don't comprehend why I want to help myself and others without believing in god or spirtuality.
I'm beginning to see that what I need/take/give at NA is not so much the philosophies and ideaologies, but the support and social aspect of it. It feels great that I can be sober, and be around sober people that are as fucked up as me lol. It cures the loneliness and isolation that most addicts are used to.

I drive an hour to this meeting 2x per week, but will explore other options. Plus no one's going to sponsor me when I'm that far away. We shall see. 1 day at a time right???
Thanks again 10.
 
If you live near a population center, there may be an atheist/agnostic meeting in your area. I have an atheist/agnostic AA meeting in my area I go to periodically. You may want to look into SMART and Refuge Recovery meetings as well, though they tend to be rarer outside cities.
 
Yes Trip. Exactly. What I like about meetings is human connection. The cliches get on my nerves (though I say them sometimes lol) but the support, and social aspect is awesome.

Omg. Kensington! Yes, it's exactly like Dawn of the Dead!! It's kind of terrifying. There is so much shit going on there. On any given day lol. Yeah the dope is strong there. I don't feel like going down there, it's a hassle. I'm also scared that if I go I may not come back - and I'll end up being the Walking Dead myself.

The rehab I went to was Valley Forge Medical Center. It has one of the few chronic pain programs in the country. I was court-ordered there straight from jail. I had no idea where I was going. But- I made up my mind that I was going to make the best of wherever I was going and try to learn something. Fortunately, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Thank God. After a brutal, traumatic detox in jail and ending up in there for 6 and a 1/2 long months, it would've sucked if it was a shitty experience.

I keep taking meds to myself at meetings. I take Neurontin and Lyrica. Unless I form a close relationship with someone I feel comfortable with, I'm going to just not. I don't want to end up pissed off at someone and not go back. I'm still new in the meeting arena.

Yes, try out everything. You really never know what you're going to like.

And ... One day at a time lol. Hang in there.
 
TripMcnealy said:
I drive an hour to this meeting 2x per week, but will explore other options. Plus no one's going to sponsor me when I'm that far away. We shall see. 1 day at a time right???
Thanks again 10.
Click to expand...

I live in Las Vegas and Sponsor guys in Boston, San Francisco, Boise, Salt Lake, and Reno. Face to face is good, but it is not always necessary. As long as the guy I am sponsoring works to establish a support group the distance hasn't been a huge impediment. There are a couple guys who will likely spend the rest of their lives in prison and I have the honor and privilege of sponsoring them as well. Just get a sponsor. If it doesn't work out get another one. Thank you for this thread because it is one of the more solution oriented that I have encountered.
 
I have a question. Does the quell unit help? My pain is neurological too.

I also know about being in a great mood, feeling great and being brought to my knees in blinding pain.
 
TripMcnealy said:
Thank you painful! Just got back fromn 2nd meeting. It really is a good feeling STARTING to become an actual man again instead of the awful, immature, terrified, dopehead I was for this last year, and of course legit addict for at least 6 years prior.

I'm finding it bizarrely easy to not use. I have zero inclination so far to pick up opiates again, or anything else that I would abuse. I even quit smoking and have been eating right (as right as my stomach will let me) and getting to the gym.

The real struggle, as you know all too well, is the pain. I read your bio and it's a bit overwhelming too say the least. Do you take any narcotics for pain relief??? How do you cope? I was hoping that my pain was all just some subconscious ruse that was being perpetuated by an addiction, but after being sober for almost a month now, it's 100 percent real. It's the same pain I felt as a teenager, and the same pain I felt that the opiates dulled down. Hope youre feeling ok. And thanks for the support.

Trip
Click to expand...

Yeah, what I have been through and still go through is quite overwhelming isn't it?
I have to take opiate medication. There is just no way around it for me. I have managed to keep to a low dosage of 75 mg a day MS Contin for the last ten years. I'm getting to the point where I need a small increase or something for "breakthrough pain".
But I am fighting that. I don't want to do that. I am trying to do all I can with meditation, grounding techniques, exercise, nutrition, aromatherapy, anything I can find that helps and is healthy!

I never really abused any drugs before the car accident (and resulting injuries), liver failure due to Tylenol poisoning, near death experience, migraine headaches, chronic pain. But I still find it hard not to use extra medication some days and I just can't do that because I cannot stand the pain underneath this medication and I really suffer if I run myself out of medication. So I have my mom give my medication to me.

I am looked at as a drug addict by a lot of members of my family. I guess after ten years of needing to use morphine I am an addict?
I am definitely physically dependent. It is a better option than suicide.

I feel for you having a chronic pain issue! Especially after all you have gone through and had a problem with opiate medication use.

I am hoping for the best for you!
❤️
 
Aaw Painful One-

I feel for you and feel your pain. Very wise to have your mom give you your meds. I know what it's like when excruciating pain hits - I would start throwing pills in my mouth. Someone that doesn't understand pain may judge that, but it's because they never experienced unbearable pain that ramps up to the point I'm instantly covered in sweat and trying not to cry. Crying makes it worse. The pain gets so intense that it's terrifying. That's where guided meditation is extremely helpful.

Don't you worry about your family judging you. It's because they don't understand. You just have to do what's best for you.

That's why the chronic pain clinic was so amazing. We all understood all the nuances of chronic pain. No explanation was necessary. Kind of like NA. You're amongst your kind. It's a relief.

You survived your overdose for a reason. Hope you're well PO.
 
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