same shit as always

[user name1]

i dont think i can take it anymore. my life is getting worse by the day.
used to think that my life cant get any worse and the only way left is up.
how wrong and naive was i and in a way still am. i know now that it can always get worse. always -
even if you're living your worst nightmare - being burned alive, being buried alive, tortured or whatever it is -
it still can get a lot worse. should i be thankful and grateful for what i have? ofc i should! and i do feel grateful,
i do know that a lot of people suffer greatly than i do but it doesn't make me feel any better and for some reason makes me want to shout to the skies - "do your fucking worst you fucking asshole!"

for 20 years i tried therapy and saw countless psychiatrists,
been hospitalized twice for long periods of time in a psychiatric hospital,
been on every possible antidepressant, some antipsychotics, stabilizers and tranquilizers just to get from bad to worse.
i don't trust therapists, doctors of any kind and literally terrified of p-docs.

i can go on and on but what's the point? "hang in there" won't make it better or help me to actually "hang in there"
maybe "hang yourself there" would..

i don't know why i wrote all this shit. probably because i want some attention or out of sheer desperation and feeling trapped inside my own mind, disintegrating.

thanks for reading this depressing nonsense guys,
jona

 

[Xorkoth]

Hey man... just wanted to reply to you. Not sure what to say, but I hate that you're suffering so much. It's not nonsense, just know that you can always vent here and no one will judge you... except maybe yourself. But you shouldn't.

 

[user name1]

Hey man... just wanted to reply to you. Not sure what to say, but I hate that you're suffering so much. It's not nonsense, just know that you can always vent here and no one will judge you... except maybe yourself. But you shouldn't.

thanks Shadowmeister!

you replied and that's what made all the difference.
you took the time to write a few words for my sake and it means a lot to me.
not knowing what to say is honest and better than another "google advice".
cheers mate and all the best
jona

 

[Jabberwocky]

Things can always get worse. They can also always get better.

What i've found that helps me in tough times, is finding a new experience. Whether it's as simple as trying a new food, or something like traveling to a new place, just open yourself up to new things because life is too short to be confined to the boxes we're stuck in.

Everyone has their box. Different sizes. Different materials.

What you want is to increase your boxes size, while strengthening what you already have. In order words, find new experience while developing those you find you love.

Good luck my friend.

Hopefully that makes sense. And hopefully it doesn't come off as me trying to make you do something.

Just food for thought.

 

[dipitch]

this is almost identical to what I wrote someone here who wanted to kill themselves. they had the same experience as you with having gone through the whole therapy and medication shebang but still feeling bad. this alone could consolidate you a bit because it shows that you aren't alone with your problem. I'm like that too by the way. but I am in fact trying and practicing the things I say in the following excerpt and since then experience relief. here's the sexy excerpt for you:

have you tried the eastern way? are you open to or have you practiced a bit in things like yoga, meditation, mindfulness, chinese medicine? does it sound stupid to you but would you try it at least?

psychologists can be great. what they often overlook however is that the mind is intrically connected to the body.

there is a reason why seemingly lots of former addicts, people with depression, anxiety, be it because of shitty genetics or abuse mentally/physically, not only enjoy doing these things but actually benefit because of their real results.

dont kill yourself yet. always wait. tomorrow there could be revealed that magic is real and that they invented something to heal all that shitty stuff in a wink. you never know. and then you would look stupid. do you really want that? I tried to be funny, but I hope you get what I mean.

 

[ObieWan]

I share your feelings and have often thought of suicide. I am not bad off, just just as far as I should be. I just never found my passion. I don't care about money, women, wealth, people annoy me. I don't have any sage advice, but drugs and alcohol multiply these feelings exponentially. I think that when you improve, your health, body, mind, and appearance in improves your outlook on life. The reason I don't slit my wrist even though I feel like doing so is because there are good experiences to be felt as well. I am starting a new job in 2 weeks making 50 to 60k and this is exactly what I think I need right now.

Life can get pretty stagnant and it all seems to involve the accumulation of wealth. And if it didn't you may cap yourself out of sheer boredom and lack of purpose, so it seems like a lose/lose. That is my advice, try to improve your mind and body and keep the drugs to a minimum. Username1, I wish you the best.

 

[user name1]

thanks guys for your wise words and advice.
i wouldn't kill myself any time soon at least, i lack the resolve as in most things.
i want to believe i can somehow improve myself but it seems that somewhere deep down -
half consciously maybe i have settled for this excuse of a life. maybe i like pain, suffering and boredom?
is it even possible? i am deeply confused and sad but wont do anything to change it. not anymore anyway.
i don't think about what i want because it became irrelevant - i want drugs and magic pills and a dog with wings..
it's about what i need and even if i'll know what, can i even get it?
sorry i'm raving, didn't sleep a wink last night and not sure if i make any sense.
i better stop but would like to say thanks again guys for replying and for being humane. for your solidarity friends, i am truly grateful.

peace and love and best regards,
jona