If you are currently seeing your doctor for maintenance try the simplest solution: be honest with him or her. Bouncing from partial agonist to full agonist back to partial agonist can be a painful game (literally). Buprenorphine will not teach patience and acceptance so learning how to tolerate your children without being loaded may take something more than a pill that you place under your tongue.
Are you receiving any form of Treatment with your Medication Assistance? Although split dosing sounds like a nice idea I am not sure of the credentials of the person recommending it. It would probably be a sound idea to run a split dosing idea by your medical professional prior to engaging in it. There are benefits and drawbacks to split dosing. There are even more drawbacks to being your own doctor. I didn't get to the point of utter hopelessness and desperation by following a strict regimen prescribed by a professional. I got there by thinking I was smarter than them.
... "learning how to tolerate your children without being loaded may take something more than a pill that you place under your tongue."
I don't really appreciate this comment... I'm never "loaded" around my children. Was this really a necessary thing for you to say? I am talking about maintaining a sense of feeling normal, not getting "loaded".
Anyway, yes I agree that I should be honest with my doctor, and I plan to be at my next visit. He is very understanding. I have read that the first few months with Suboxone can be tricky for a lot of people - figuring out the right dose for you and so on. My biggest concern was that if I officially went to taking it twice a day, when I decide to ween off of it in the future, I will have to cut back to one dose before gradually reducing that. I've heard it's easier to ween from one dose than two. But what do I know... I am brand new to this, and just trying to figure it out.
So there is a recovery group that I opted to be a part of. It meets on Fridays, but I've never gotten to participate, because each time I've gone, no one else has been there, so they canceled it. I am a very private person. I do not have friends or family that use, and not a lot of people know about this side of me. Most of the professional people in my community know me well through my job, and I hate the idea of running into any of them at something like an NA meeting.
I definitely don't think I'm smarter than my doctor. I actually really trust him and his advice. More than anything, I was ashamed of myself for not being able to do it right, and I didn't want to disappoint him. But I know that my first step is talking to him. I just really was feeling like a failure and was looking for some support.
10YearGone, I really appreciate your feedback. It is encouraging to see that I am not alone here. What you are doing sounds awesome. I'm glad that you've found such a great outlet!
I think a big part of me feels like I can't just go out and attend meetings and recovery groups, for the reasons mentioned above. I guess by joining this group and reaching out to people like me, I was hoping to make some kind of connection and have some sort of outlet to talk about things with people who just get it. Because I don't have anyone in my life that gets it. Even if it's from behind my computer screen, I just need to feel that connection and find some support and encouragement.