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Mental Health Too depressed to go to work or function properly

zombiesarepeaceful

zombiesarepeaceful

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Joined
Oct 2, 2006
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It's been a struggle lately. I'm almost too depressed to even write this post. Here goes.

I have a life long history of depression, anxiety and adhd. Lately I'm barely functioning. I have no interest in doing anything I enjoy. My racing thoughts won't stop. I'm too depressed to make food, or wash the dishes after I motivate myself to cook anything. I'm terrified of sleeping. I can't think straight (normal for my adhd). I've been having chest pains from anxiety. I have no energy to anything, but I do pace the floor constantly at work because my adhd doesn't allow me to really sit still. I've been calling off work a lot lately when I'm just too depressed to do anything. I think if I didn't have the level of depression that I do right now, I wouldn't be calling off so much. I shouldn't let myself lose this job because it pays decent (well not decent to most people, but decent to me), offers PTO. The benefits are a joke but I guess the PTO is worth it cuz many jobs don't offer that. Anyway. I've been thinking about just quitting and going to Labor Ready until I manage to get my shit together. The downside is that Labor Ready pays minimum wage obviously and the work isn't guaranteed. I never keep any job for longer than a year anyway. I get too bored and restless which makes my depression spiral out of control. Idk. It doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense to me right now.

I finally got in to see a psychiatrist. They prescribed lexapro and gabapentin. I refuse to take SSRIs because I always get sexual side effects. I took the Lexapro for one day and then said fuck that. I needed a benzo for the extreme anxiety but they wouldn't prescribe it. I never tell the drs about any history of drug use at all so it's probably due to the stigma of benzos, who fucking knows. I told them I did want to get back on adderall for my adhd and she said she thinks it's a good idea but I'm currently too anxious to tolerate a stimulant, so she wanted me to start lexapro in the meantime to get my anxiety stabilized. But obviously if I'm not taking it that won't help. The gabapentin does fuck all for panic attacks, so it's useless to me. I've taken a whole list of psych meds in the past. Wellbutrin helped the most with my depression, but it made me so anxious that I ended up in the er with chest pains. But since it worked the quickest and was the most energizing antidepressant I've tried, I really wanted to go back on that for the moment so I don't lose my job and lose my shit. But the shrink said no it's not a good idea.

I really just feel like there's no hope. I've always had depression and all this shit. I've been on and off of psych meds. What's the point in anything? Will I ever feel ok? My anxiety is the biggest issue. It stops me from doing a lot of things. I'm sick of it. I can never get the help I need. I've thought about going to the hospital, but I can't afford to get admitted right now cuz I don't have anyone to watch my cats and they can't just be by themselves for days. But I don't really know what to do. I feel like the psych ward would help and I feel bad enough that I think I need it. I'm terrified of death so I wouldn't consider myself suicidal because I'm too scared to die. But lately I've been having intrusive suicidal thoughts. I really doubt that I would act on any of them. But the idea is there. I've been thinking about self harming again. Which again, isn't good. I haven't done that in 10 years. I think the psych ward might be helpful for me to get a proper diagnosis and be forced to get on meds and allow them to monitor me more closely for side effects and get on the right meds faster. But I don't think it's really an option to go inpatient. I don't want to tell my therapist about my self harming and intrusive suicidal thoughts because I fear then they're obligated to involuntarily hospitalize me, which I don't need.

I know this post is scattered. I think my only option right now might be to start taking some of the Wellbutrin that I have left over from an old prescription. Maybe I could take it every other day so my body wouldn't get used to it since I don't have a current prescription and would inevitably have to stop taking it. It would give me the temporary energy boost to get me through until I get shit straightened out. But it could also throw me into panic attacks. It's a toss up but it seems my only option right now. Or I could go to the hospital like a little bitch but I don't really see that as being an option because of my cats.

And no, I haven't reached out to any friends about this. Many of my friends know that I have some form of mental illness but I don't have many friends, and the ones I do have are probably sick of hearing me talk about how I feel mentally and I don't want to push them away or make them worry.
 
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Hi,

I am sorry you are going through such a bad time. You sound like you are in a really bad place and extremely frustrated, and who would not be?

Can I ask why you only took the Lexapro for one day and then said f*** it? You would not get sexual side effects in just one day. If you have never taken that before, you might not get any sexual side effects on it at all. Not everyone gets those kind of side effects on SSRIs. Lexapro is a good drug for a lot of the things you have. And, what about the gabapentin? Why didn't you take that?
 
The sexual side effects can go away on zoloft i had it for like two to four weeks
 
SamanthaB said:
Hi,

I am sorry you are going through such a bad time. You sound like you are in a really bad place and extremely frustrated, and who would not be?

Can I ask why you only took the Lexapro for one day and then said f*** it? You would not get sexual side effects in just one day. If you have never taken that before, you might not get any sexual side effects on it at all. Not everyone gets those kind of side effects on SSRIs. Lexapro is a good drug for a lot of the things you have. And, what about the gabapentin? Why didn't you take that?
Click to expand...

I've taken the lexapro before, many years ago. The reason I have issues with taking SSRIs is....the sexual side effects, because I usually get that....also because they take forever to start working, and then once they start working if the effects are terrible, it takes forever for those effects to go away. Also I don't want them to make me tired. And I'm taking the gabapentin, but the very low dose they gave me isn't enough to do anything at all. I've been taking it, though. The reason I wish she'd just started with Wellbutrin is that it's one of the more stimulating antidepressants, and it gave me energy....despite increasing my anxiety, I think trying it again would be worth it and I might just start taking some of the Wellbutrin that I have left over for now until I see my dr again.
 
If you think the psych ward would help, there's no shame in seeking the help you need. I also have generalized anxiety and panic disorders and am prescribed gabapentin and Ativan for it, respectively. Gabapentin is not indicated for panic, so it's no surprise that it does nothing for you. I've also been on Celexa for about 2.5 years and mirtazapine for about 3 years. I don't have any of the issues for which people like to vilify antidepressants. I did have a problem achieving orgasm for a few months (no problem getting it up, though) but the body does eventually adjust. And I didn't experience the dramatic weight gain everyone said would happen with mirtazapine. And the quality of life these antidepressants provide me are more than an ample payoff when weighed against their side effects.

EDIT: ADs take several weeks to have a therapeutic effect. One day isn't going to have any effect. Maybe Lexapro isn't for you but you need at least three weeks to know that.
 
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zombiesarepeaceful said:
I finally got in to see a psychiatrist. They prescribed lexapro and gabapentin. I refuse to take SSRIs because I always get sexual side effects. I took the Lexapro for one day and then said fuck that. I needed a benzo for the extreme anxiety but they wouldn't prescribe it. I never tell the drs about any history of drug use at all so it's probably due to the stigma of benzos, who fucking knows. I told them I did want to get back on adderall for my adhd and she said she thinks it's a good idea but I'm currently too anxious to tolerate a stimulant, so she wanted me to start lexapro in the meantime to get my anxiety stabilized. But obviously if I'm not taking it that won't help. The gabapentin does fuck all for panic attacks, so it's useless to me. I've taken a whole list of psych meds in the past. Wellbutrin helped the most with my depression, but it made me so anxious that I ended up in the er with chest pains. But since it worked the quickest and was the most energizing antidepressant I've tried, I really wanted to go back on that for the moment so I don't lose my job and lose my shit. But the shrink said no it's not a good idea.

I really just feel like there's no hope. I've always had depression and all this shit. I've been on and off of psych meds. What's the point in anything? Will I ever feel ok? My anxiety is the biggest issue. It stops me from doing a lot of things. I'm sick of it. I can never get the help I need. I've thought about going to the hospital, but I can't afford to get admitted right now cuz I don't have anyone to watch my cats and they can't just be by themselves for days. But I don't really know what to do. I feel like the psych ward would help and I feel bad enough that I think I need it. I'm terrified of death so I wouldn't consider myself suicidal because I'm too scared to die. But lately I've been having intrusive suicidal thoughts. I really doubt that I would act on any of them. But the idea is there. I've been thinking about self harming again. Which again, isn't good. I haven't done that in 10 years. I think the psych ward might be helpful for me to get a proper diagnosis and be forced to get on meds and allow them to monitor me more closely for side effects and get on the right meds faster. But I don't think it's really an option to go inpatient. I don't want to tell my therapist about my self harming and intrusive suicidal thoughts because I fear then they're obligated to involuntarily hospitalize me, which I don't need.

I know this post is scattered. I think my only option right now might be to start taking some of the Wellbutrin that I have left over from an old prescription. Maybe I could take it every other day so my body wouldn't get used to it since I don't have a current prescription and would inevitably have to stop taking it. It would give me the temporary energy boost to get me through until I get shit straightened out. But it could also throw me into panic attacks. It's a toss up but it seems my only option right now. Or I could go to the hospital like a little bitch but I don't really see that as being an option because of my cats.
Click to expand...

Hi there,

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time...I feel you. Been there many times and still on bad days it feels like I've never had a good day. I just wanted to make a couple comments on the medications you mentioned. I have been on Lexapro (escitalopram) and Celexa (citalopram) and I found more negative side effects in the beginning with Celexa but after a few weeks found the side effects you mentioned went away almost entirely while I found the Lexapro side effects remained well into taking it. If you don't mind the Lexapro in general the Celexa might be worth a try. You mentioned it's the SSRI's that don't sit well with you have you considered SNRI's like Pristiq or Effexor? In my experience they are a bit more heavy duty and a pain to get off but they also seemed to help more. Another option might be TCA's like amitryptiline, mirtazipine or trimipramine...they have a different set of side effects and I believe sexual issues are less common.

You mentioned Wellbutrin which is an NDRI, how did you tolerate it when you took it last? I have tried Wellbutrin several times as I liked the idea of it but it has worsened my anxiety to an unbearable level each time and my psych cautioned me about that happening as well, apparently it is common so I can't imagine it would be good in your situaiton unless you know you don't react that way to it.

I just wanted to make sure you know there are other options to SSRI's because I remember being in the pit you describe myself and the SSRI's I was prescribed did nothing but make me more numb. It took me almost ten years to find something that works but I wish I knew to request a different catergory of meds sooner. Sending hugs and good vibes your way...it will get better, try to stay hopeful.
 
Gettingoutofbed said:
Hi there,

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time...I feel you. Been there many times and still on bad days it feels like I've never had a good day. I just wanted to make a couple comments on the medications you mentioned. I have been on Lexapro (escitalopram) and Celexa (citalopram) and I found more negative side effects in the beginning with Celexa but after a few weeks found the side effects you mentioned went away almost entirely while I found the Lexapro side effects remained well into taking it. If you don't mind the Lexapro in general the Celexa might be worth a try. You mentioned it's the SSRI's that don't sit well with you have you considered SNRI's like Pristiq or Effexor? In my experience they are a bit more heavy duty and a pain to get off but they also seemed to help more. Another option might be TCA's like amitryptiline, mirtazipine or trimipramine...they have a different set of side effects and I believe sexual issues are less common.

You mentioned Wellbutrin which is an NDRI, how did you tolerate it when you took it last? I have tried Wellbutrin several times as I liked the idea of it but it has worsened my anxiety to an unbearable level each time and my psych cautioned me about that happening as well, apparently it is common so I can't imagine it would be good in your situaiton unless you know you don't react that way to it.

I just wanted to make sure you know there are other options to SSRI's because I remember being in the pit you describe myself and the SSRI's I was prescribed did nothing but make me more numb. It took me almost ten years to find something that works but I wish I knew to request a different catergory of meds sooner. Sending hugs and good vibes your way...it will get better, try to stay hopeful.
Click to expand...

To answer your question, the last time I took Wellbutrin I got a little jittery right after taking it but that wore off within a couple hours. Then as the days of taking it passed, I felt more and more jittery all the time until I was getting chest pains and went to the ER. I was fine, it was all mental they said, but I stopped taking it then. I had been taking it for about a week. HOWEVER, when I was taking the Wellbutrin it GREATLY reduced my depression. That's the reason I'm think about trying it again. I have some left over from the old script and I'm thinking about just self medicating to get me through this depression right now. What about if I run out? I don't know.

I need to call my psych and tell her that Lexapro isn't for me. She mentioned wanting to try Lamictal if Lexapro didn't work, which makes no sense to me because Lamictal is for bipolar which I'm not diagnosed as and have no symptoms of. I'm diagnosed with major depression, GAD, panic disorder and ADHD. I don't want Lamictal and I won't take it because of the potential side effects and I don't think it would help at all because I'm not bipolar. So I'm afraid to tell the dr that the Lexapro isn't for me, for fear she'll prescribe something worse. I'd really like to get to the point where she feels it's safe to add Adderall again, but I know I'm still too anxious for her to do that.

I don't know. I'd definitely have gone to the psych ward by now if it weren't for my cats. I can't just leave my cats alone for days while I'm in a hospital. So I'm hanging on. I need some relief from this depression soon. It's smothering.

I ended up quitting my job. And I thought it would make me feel better. Instead, now I just feel worse cuz I'm stressed over money and still feel too depressed to work. I should have just kept struggling through the job I had. I always manage to find other work, but fuck.
 
Okay I just read your thread from a few years ago that you posted about shooting up meth and a few hours later having a panic attack and then you went to the hospital. While there they gave you Ativan.

Well... same exact thing happened to me years ago back in 2004 but I was smoking crystal with heroin in it... Speedballing... I was strapped to a hospital bed for 2 hours with my heart going a million miles an hour. Then some cardiologist dr. gave me a shot of Ativan. My heart slowed down back to normal within seconds. I was mad as fuck because I thought to myself that's all it took. Why the fuck did you guys have me lying here for 2 hours with my heart speeding and me thinking I was going to die when all it took was a 5 second shot of Ativan but afterwards I developed panic attacks from that experience just like you.

I could not drink coffee Pepsi anything with caffeine in it without feeling like I was going to have a panic attack it ruled my life for years.

I still have anxiety but I don't take any meds for it. When I have a meeting or a doctors appt my anxiety kicks in strong but not nearly as bad as before because I learned how to control my panic attacks. My life is ALMOST back to normal. I still have a little ways to go.

I have not had a panic attack in 10 yrs. I now drink coffee all day and soda if I wish too. Panic attacks can rule over your life. Please don't let it. May God bless you everyday and be with you.

Look up mindfulness on Google and breathing techniques.
 
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DrewDogBaby209 said:
Okay I just read your thread from a few years ago that you posted about shooting up meth and a few hours later having a panic attack and then you went to the hospital. While there they gave you Ativan.

Well... same exact thing happened to me years ago back in 2004 but I was smoking crystal with heroin in it... Speedballing... I was strapped to a hospital bed for 2 hours with my heart going a million miles an hour. Then some cardiologist dr. gave me a shot of Ativan. My heart slowed down back to normal within seconds. I was mad as fuck because I thought to myself that's all it took. Why the fuck did you guys have me lying here for 2 hours with my heart speeding and me thinking I was going to die when all it took was a 5 second shot of Ativan but afterwards I developed panic attacks from that experience just like you.

I could not drink coffee Pepsi anything with caffeine in it without feeling like I was going to have a panic attack it ruled my life for years.

I still have anxiety but I don't take any meds for it. When I have a meeting or a doctors appt my anxiety kicks in strong but not nearly as bad as before because I learned how to control my panic attacks. My life is ALMOST back to normal. I still have a little ways to go.

I have not had a panic attack in 10 yrs. I now drink coffee all day and soda if I wish too. Panic attacks can rule over your life. Please don't let it. May God bless you everyday and be with you.

Look up mindfulness on Google and breathing techniques.
Click to expand...

I've made some progress since posting this.

I ended up getting prescribed Wellbutrin again, the extended release form this time. It did help my depression without sending me spiraling into anxiety. I took it for about a week again, and then started thinking that I didn't want to end up taking it for so long that I went through withdrawals when I tried to quit taking it, because antidepressant withdrawals suck and I've been through them before. So I quit taking it after a week. I had mentioned to my psych that I wanted to see about trying treatment for my adhd again, because in the past it had worked really well and had slowed my racing thoughts and made me less anxious and more calm, and overall had a positive effect. I understand that stimulants have the potential to make me more anxious but since I've been doing really well with caffeine (I'll elaborate on that next) I feel like I'm ready to try adhd meds again as a treatment. My psych said absolutely not because of how much I hate sleeping. I would never use amphetamines to keep myself awake because 1) I have to be careful with stimulants because of my history with them and 2) Stimulants like adderall, etc calm me down and have actually made it possible for me to sleep before BECAUSE I HAVE FUCKING ADHD AND THEY CALM ME DOWN. But no, she wouldn't budge on it. So I quit seeing her. I'm not on any psych meds now. Don't know if I'll be pursuing a new dr right now but at the moment since I don't have insurance I really can't afford to find a new dr so for now I'm just using other drugs to maintain my mental health.

As far as caffeine, I've made big strides. I was taking 25mg doses, then 50mg doses, then 100mg, and now I can manage 150mg of caffeine pills at a time. It took literally months to gradually step up to this point but I've made it and I'm doing well with caffeine now. I'm getting to where I can actually enjoy it and realize that my heart isn't actually racing and that I can control my anxiety on caffeine. It's a big step to me, and one of the reasons why I'd like to try adhd meds again because I'm more able to tolerate the physical side effects of stimulants now.

I found work again, this time at a fast food restaurant. The hours aren't consistent, but with my depression and shit it's easier to manage this kind of work right now. Because some days I only have a 5 hour shift, other days I work 8-10 hours. And having those short days really makes a difference in my mental health. I still don't think I would be able to handle a normal work schedule right now with my depression. So for now, as long as I'm managing to make ends meet with this job it works for me. It's also not as monotonous as the factory work that I'm used to so that's a plus, and makes work not as depressing.

I've been using whatever drugs I can tolerate to self medicate with. Unfortunately I don't have access to any of the adhd meds that I want to try taking again so I can't try those at the moment. I've been using dxm, phenibut, noopept, caffeine, alcohol.....that's pretty much it. My depression isn't as bad as long as I'm self medicating. The only stuff I was using at the time of my original post was alcohol, which was getting harder to use because of my stomach issues so now I've added more drugs and it's working out a bit better. My depression and anxiety still shows its ugly head when I don't self medicate so I try to use at least one of those substances daily. It's not a great plan but it's more effective than the antidepressants they were trying to shove into me so I guess it's fine.
 
Ahhhh dude that's amazing that you found work and your anxiety is not as bad as it used to be.

The main reason that I replied to your thread was the fact that your story sounded very similar to mine. It was almost like looking into a mirror... Now that's a weird analogy especially since we're on the internet and can't see each other lol.

Well anyway I just took my methadone so I'm feeling happy so now it's time for me to be productive. Have a good day. God bless you man! Take care and be safe!
 
I would try Wellbutrin before any other antidepressent. It has a mild stimulant effect, little better than coffee, tends to work quickly (around a week) and lacks the terrible side effects many suffer on SSRIs (it's an NDRI)

I'm also on gabapentin, which may explain why Wellbutrin never gave me anxiety.

Also endorphins are great for depression. Lift weights if you are medically able to, if not go for a long ass walk or do some cardio.

When I'm lifting 3 days a week I never get depressed, only depression lately has been during injuries.

Generally depression will make you want to be less active, if you can fight that do so as it makes it worse.
 
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