Do u know before u o/d? ( Mod note: miscellaneous issues )

[Queenbean413]

Please don?t judge or tell me reasons not too do what I?m about to ask, I just want to be comfortably numb....I lost my husband 6+ yrs ago after knowing him for more that half my life. He was only 40 and it had nothing to do with drugs, it was sudden, leaving me alone with 2 young kids. Fast forward... 3yrs ago...I was talked into sleeping with a married man, he was persistent, I was weak, the attention made me feel good. No excuses. I do not have much experience with relationships since I met my husband at 16yrs old. I thought I could sleep with him once or 2x and be done. He was amazing in bed, like nothing I have ever experienced and it was the dumbest decision I have ever made. I fell in love with him and 1-2x every week he was at my house. Recently there has been a shift, I want more, he does not want to leave his wife right now, although in a loveless sexless marriage he doesn?t hate her and doesn?t want to hurt her or his daughter. He Was always honest about this, never tried to deceive me. Sometimes I was great with the situation but more times than not I would cry over it, I should have walked away, but someone cared about me, loved me and found me sexy...recently ...I felt him getting distant. He has always rushed me off of the phone, it?s the nature of his job and we can only speak during the day. He knew I was not happy today, really most of these last 2 wks. We have gone 4+weeks of not seeing each other, the longest we have ever gone! Life just kept getting in the way. I tried to talk to him but I wasn?t able to explain myself fast enough and he had to go. Because it?s Friday I knew I had to tell him how I felt now so I texted him on his burner phone. I asked him if he wanted to take a break, trying to get a head of the hurt I?m already feeling. Maybe taking a break would be good. He could get all of this mounting work off his plate while not having to worry about taking time to see me & tip toeing around his wife. Well he never responded...I guess it?s over and I?m horribly broken. I Can not feel this way, God it hurts too much & I?ve had enough hurt for a lifetime. I take 30mg of roxicodone 3 times a day. There have been times I took 60mg at once and 90mg in a very short period of time. I have extras and I want to feel numb, I can?t bare this feeling anymore and I have one 15yr old kid this weekend (my younger one is away) and he can pretty much take care of himself but I don?t want him to see me fall to pieces. Like I have been. He will be home soon too. I can?t hide all weekend either. So if I start taking a little at a time until I reach 60mg w/in the next hour...How many Mg should I take at intervals and how far apart should I take them until I reach the desired ?numb? feeling. Then how do I maintain it? Will it be possible for me to know if I?m too close to overdosing? How will I know if I?m close to overdosing? I also have a few 1mg of Ativan and like 12 - 4mg of hydromorphone. If u can?t tell me ?how much? to take, I?m just looking for advice b/c I do not want to o/d!

 

[Lorne???]

... No, you would not have any idea hun

This is reckless and unfeasible; catch a buzz, fine, you cannot however gradually become comfortably numb, and somehow maintain it

Not judgement, simply the way it is

Anyone you can call? You need a sitter, like URGENTLY (if you abuse to get a normal high, or knock out

Think you should go to the dark side subforum, you seem in a bad place and, although posting here demonstrates you aren't quite suicidal, you are nonetheless, seeming almost to be disregarding your own well being, and bad things can and likely shall happen if you degress any further

Ne careful, Again not judging, the answer is a flat no, however, and benzodiazepines can numb you, yet do so to such a point you may truly not care of your own well being

Try the dark side out (the sub forum), probably move this there

Be safe, and think carefully about what your doing - therapeutic doses can alleviate anxiety and help you deal with it naturally
- they don't leave wives though, well rarely hun

(Probably) moved

- Lorne

 

[Asclepius]

Please don?t judge or tell me reasons not too do what I?m about to ask, I just want to be comfortably numb....I lost my husband 6+ yrs ago after knowing him for more that half my life. He was only 40 and it had nothing to do with drugs, it was sudden, leaving me alone with 2 young kids. Fast forward... 3yrs ago...I was talked into sleeping with a married man, he was persistent, I was weak, the attention made me feel good. No excuses. I do not have much experience with relationships since I met my husband at 16yrs old. I thought I could sleep with him once or 2x and be done. He was amazing in bed, like nothing I have ever experienced and it was the dumbest decision I have ever made. I fell in love with him and 1-2x every week he was at my house. Recently there has been a shift, I want more, he does not want to leave his wife right now, although in a loveless sexless marriage he doesn?t hate her and doesn?t want to hurt her or his daughter. He Was always honest about this, never tried to deceive me. Sometimes I was great with the situation but more times than not I would cry over it, I should have walked away, but someone cared about me, loved me and found me sexy...recently ...I felt him getting distant. He has always rushed me off of the phone, it?s the nature of his job and we can only speak during the day. He knew I was not happy today, really most of these last 2 wks. We have gone 4+weeks of not seeing each other, the longest we have ever gone! Life just kept getting in the way. I tried to talk to him but I wasn?t able to explain myself fast enough and he had to go. Because it?s Friday I knew I had to tell him how I felt now so I texted him on his burner phone. I asked him if he wanted to take a break, trying to get a head of the hurt I?m already feeling. Maybe taking a break would be good. He could get all of this mounting work off his plate while not having to worry about taking time to see me & tip toeing around his wife. Well he never responded...I guess it?s over and I?m horribly broken. I Can not feel this way, God it hurts too much & I?ve had enough hurt for a lifetime. I take 30mg of roxicodone 3 times a day. There have been times I took 60mg at once and 90mg in a very short period of time. I have extras and I want to feel numb, I can?t bare this feeling anymore and I have one 15yr old kid this weekend (my younger one is away) and he can pretty much take care of himself but I don?t want him to see me fall to pieces. Like I have been. He will be home soon too. I can?t hide all weekend either. So if I start taking a little at a time until I reach 60mg w/in the next hour...How many Mg should I take at intervals and how far apart should I take them until I reach the desired ?numb? feeling. Then how do I maintain it? Will it be possible for me to know if I?m too close to overdosing? How will I know if I?m close to overdosing? I also have a few 1mg of Ativan and like 12 - 4mg of hydromorphone. If u can?t tell me ?how much? to take, I?m just looking for advice b/c I do not want to o/d!

You sound like you are in emotional turmoil and distress and am so sorry you are going through this.

Sounds like you were desperately lonely and had not accepted your grief and put your trust in someone who was unavailable from the start and not able to support you throughin what you need (sex and flattery is nice; short-term, but it doesnt hold much meaning or weight when we need more).
This realisation is what hurts and you will get through it and get better, if you just hang on.
We all make mistakes and this is nothing to be ashamed of - just remember that you were vulnerable and misled and now you need to be there for yourself, through this pain

You have two choices here, accept the pain for now, so that you can learn from it and develop a stronger self ( which you will!) or abandon yourself, like this man has done to you. Blaming and victimising yourself, is not the solution and although hurt is inevitable it is important to remember that you deserve so much better for yourself, after all you have been through.
Please take care of yourself for the moment, cry and collapse and find someone to talk to -reach out to - is that possible?

 

[Stargazer]

The problem isn't so much knowing you od'd, it's that you can't stop it.

I personally knew a couple times, after I injected heroin. I remember saying "Oh no" and that's all I remember until being told what happened. By the time I say Oh no - it's too late. I've also witnessed the same w others.

I've also known I was overdosed on pills. I had to wait until the effects wore off.

The problem with od's is they can be fatal. I completely understand having my heart broken and wanting to be numb. It never worked out though.

Queen, it sounds like you need a supportive, close friend right now. You have been through so much pain. I wish I had a way to give you a hug and spend girlfriend time with you.

If that guy didn't answer, he's not very caring. Which is about the last thing you need in your life. If he's cheating on his wife, you don't want him! He will do the same to you. Even if you two ended up together and exclusive, would you ever be able to completely trust him? After he cheated on his wife?

I understand you just want to NOT care and RIGHT NOW. I hope you are ok. I hope you post to update us.

 

[Queenbean413]

I?m alive and still breathing. And no I don?t want to kill myself, like Lorne said, I?m here, looking for something and not away to do me in but for harm reduction!. I have two kids and I am all they have so dying is not an option for me. But I don?t have to feel either. At least right now. Crap! I just wrote this long reply and it didn?t post. Thank you all for the kind words. I?ll give u the cliff notes - I cannot tell any one friend everything. One will judge, another will say ?u don?t need him anyway? or things that aren?t true about him or us...stuff that doesn?t matter at this point and aren?t helpful, I only have a few sort of close friends anyway. When my hubby died my friends slowly disappeared, like I?ve heard they do after a divorce. I was either considered a third wheel or people didn?t know how to act around me, so they stopped inviting me to get together?s. everybody?s life went on while mine stayed still for a bit. I don?t blame anyone for that either. I have no hard feelings. Some people just assumed I wasn?t into socializing and who wants a depressed person sitting around with a frown on their face at a party. Not that it would?ve been true but understand that?s what people would think. Also keep in mind I met my husband so young that this is actually my first break up. So I am 43 and going through my first break up emotions, and I have nothing to base how this is supposed to feel and how it will end up because I have nothings to compare it to! I have never survived to break up before. Because I?ve never had one. It?s just way too fucked up! Just because you have a Trumatic experience doesn?t make all of their experiences feel any less. If anything I?m more emotional now than I was before my husband passed. I have thought about injecting or skin popping roxies. I will research it. I only have a Victoza pen so I Was going to see if that could be used. At least it will distract me for a while, while I?m researching it anyway. I am not totally done with the idea that I need to feel numb, believe me I?m feeling enough of the pain and I just need a break every now and again for a while.. Yes it?s self pity, but that?s where I?m at. I?m not the type that bounces back with a huge smile on my face. I prayed and prayed and prayed I can be that person. I need to figure out how to make the opioids last and get the biggest bang from it for now.

 

[T. Calderone]

Hey Queen, glad you're still with us! I don't have a whole lot to add but think 10 Years gone is spot on - You're giving your love to a man who can't reciprocate. You don't need him. No judgment from me cos I was you, I've been that woman waiting for whatever crumbs that unavailable man would throw me. Ugh. I'm so glad that chapter of my life has passed. This must feel foreign to you, being single and experiencing your first real break-up. I promise it gets better. Be kind to yourself and just know we're here for you!


(p.s. Don't use your Victoza pen to skin pop. If you want to splurge, just snort your oxy)

 

[herbavore]

Queenbee is there any way that you can get into some counseling or therapy? I know it may seem daunting and right now you feel hypersensitive to judgment--that is understandable. A good therapist will want to guide you to your own best interests (and those for your kids) without shaming you in any way for choices you have made. We are all human and we have all made disastrous choices somewhere along the way. You have just suffered a major loss (me too, ironically. I just lost my husband of 32 years plus a few more before marriage). It makes sense to want to be emotionless but believe it or not it can be the worst thing for you. If you can somehow convince yourself that what you need is not escape, not oblivion and not numbness, I think you will be on a much easier road for healing and getting stronger.

much love from another woman going through the same grief.

 

[Queenbean413]

I?ve thought about counseling many times. And had some good experiences when I was younger with therapy but after my husband died I had the worst therapist ever. He was so horrible! It?s so hard to pick up the phone and make an appointment. I even got a list of therapists closest to my house because I know if it?s far I won?t go. But I just can?t pick up the phone and dial the number and then go to an appointment. Although I am close to a breaking point. Why does everybody say that I?m better or feeling this in the long run? Everybody says that but no one says why. Why is feeling pain better than not feeling pain ? I have been taking extra oxycodone, and it helps for a bit and then I get tired and want to go to sleep so I do. The only problem is I don?t have enough oxy to last forever. I just figured if I can use it long enough to maybe feel and deal with this a little bit every day, instead of all at once all day long. It?s easier to take it in small doses. Crying and lots of negative feelings, mixed with calmness and no thinking at all. I guess because I?m depressed there is no euphoria, none of that boost of energy I usually get a bit of, I guess it can only take u so many notches up.

 

[Stargazer]

It's good to see you Queen. Really. You have been on my mind since I read this yesterday. Talking to someone (counselor, support between you and herbivore ) and I hear you loud and clear about having a bad counselor.

I had a not so good addictions specialist. He always brought his dog to the office w him. I used to talk to his dog more than I did to him. I'm telling you the truth. I got much more comfort from the dog. I would end up listening to the counselor's problems and trying to calm him down. I'm still trying to find a therapist I like and click with.

I'm glad to see you Queen.

 

[Xorkoth]

I just want to say that using opiates to numb pain works for a little while. But then all of your problems become so much worse and your life becomes consumed by addiction and when you don't have opiates the pain is a thousand times more intense and you'll wish every fucking day that you never touched opiates because you'll back on how your life was before that and it won't seem so bad.