2 months after MDMA - still scared

[ImScared18]

I tried a little bit of MDMA last November with my boyfriend and it as an ok experience. He had done it several times before, but it was my first. I had a little bit of anxiety, but nothing major.


On May 23rd, we did it again. He took a lot more than I did, but he was just fine. No adverse effects. I had a major panic attack and threw up. I got through it but it was one of the scariest things I've ever done. Aside from what came next.


We took it on a Wednesday night and the following day I was fine. I started feeling really ill in the evening. I had to call in Friday to work because I felt so strange. We went and got 5-htp to see it that would help, but things kept getting worse. I started having horrible crying spells and panic attacks. I felt something was terribly wrong so we went to the ER on Saturday. They ran tests and found nothing left in my system, gave me xanax (or something like it) and a very long lecture.


The fear and sadness kept getting worse so that Tuesday (5/29) so I went to my primary doctor and he prescribed me 50mg of Zoloft. Then I was in total hell.


For two weeks I had uncontrollable tremors, constant vomiting (I lost 20 pounds and I'm only 130 to begin with), debilitating panic attacks and depersonalization. I know that these effects can be attributed to starting Zoloft, but the entire time I felt like I had brain damage and that I would end up a vegetable.


By the beginning of July, I started feeling somewhat normal. I went back to work. I thought I was out of the woods aside form some lingering side effects from starting the Zoloft. So around this that time, I began to taper off.


Last week, everything came back. It started with depression and a decrease in motivation on Monday. By Wednesday, the panic attacks and throwing up started. Then the insomnia. I'm starting to feel the way I did back in early June. And I'm unbelievably scared.


I keep telling myself that this is, once again, the f-ing Zoloft. I know that these drugs can give you withdrawals. But as I was tapering off, they were pretty minimal - that's why I'm getting so scared. I've been completely off Zoloft for three weeks and the withdrawal side effects are hitting me now? Or was the Zoloft actually helping and now I'm returning to my post - MDMA state?


I know that anxiety and paranoia can be a side effect of coming off an SSRI but I am seriously scared the the MDMA damaged my brain - my serotonin production, SOMETHING.
OR, had my doctor never prescribed me Zoloft, I would have been fine and not have three months of my life wasted.


So my question is this - does anyone have any idea what is happening to me? How long should I wait this out? Should I go back on the Zoloft? Should I go to the ER? Did I fry my brain? Or is this all attributed to the SSRI?

My boyfriend keeps reassuring me that he took more - and he's ok. But those five days between the MDMA and the Zoloft were NOT normal.


Any help is greatly appreciated.

 

[ZeroLuck]

I want to tell you it's GREAT news you've felt normal at some point. What this means is that your brain has the capabilities to run at satisfying levels. It's like if something is irreversibly broken it can't suddenly function again out of nowhere, it won't have the qualities to do so. It's like serious brain damage as we know it is persistent and doesn't come and goes away, like having a stroke, brain injury .etc.

So what this means, is that you just have to adjust and balance it somehow. It's different for anyone. I would bet it's neurotransmitters and hormones, you check your hormones and see what you can do about it, about the neurotransmitters it's hard, but doable with nutrition and positive outlook.

Healthy lifestyle is recommended for everyone, because it's the most important. Exercise is a huge contributor for brain health, all the extra oxygen and metabolic changes are great. Nutrition are the repairing blocks and the sleep is the rest and the regenerative properties.

So eat very nutrient dense foods, they have thousands of benefits, much better than supplementing with just few things, an all well balanced diet will give you the basics of everything, something hard to do with cherry picking nutrients. There's just simply not enough research of the effects of all the minerals, vitamins and .etc on the brain. Hell we don't know much about the brain anyway.

Sleep, and not just quantity, but quality. We talk about deep sleep, no lights, comfortable bed, nice regime.

About the exercise, just push yourself. It CAN make it worse, give you brain fog, makes the symptoms worse, but after a while will start getting better and you'll feel better off the workout.

Positive outlook is a must. If you're depressed, then forget to get better. The most popular hypothesis about MDMA LTC is that it's caused from anxiety, so anxiety and depression will stop and cripple your progress. You must learn to be happy, to appreciate, to have hope.

I've tried 20-30 supplements, diets and whatever, but what most helped me was to rewire my brain to happiness. Hunting every negative thought in my mind, change it to positive. "Awh my cognition is shit today, I feel dull. *awh fuck*... "At least I have cognition and consciousness, isn't that a miracle that I undermine?" "I don't wanna go out..." *wait? Why?*... there's people sound, noise. ok, I Just imagine that everyone on the street wants to help me and is an old friend" you get the idea. The thing is the survival mechanism of anxiety is much less useful these days than our ancestor days. The reality is we're in much bigger harm from the negative thoughts than their beneficial uses.

So yeah, I don't think you've fried your brain. You're just obsessed from the horrible panic attacks and side effects of the MDMA. If you defeat obsession and anxiety, live healthy lifestyle... I bet your brain will come back at starting point. Just be brave.

- Good luck.

 

[ImScared18]

I want to tell you it's GREAT news you've felt normal at some point. What this means is that your brain has the capabilities to run at satisfying levels. It's like if something is irreversibly broken it can't suddenly function again out of nowhere, it won't have the qualities to do so. It's like serious brain damage as we know it is persistent and doesn't come and goes away, like having a stroke, brain injury .etc.

So what this means, is that you just have to adjust and balance it somehow. It's different for anyone. I would bet it's neurotransmitters and hormones, you check your hormones and see what you can do about it, about the neurotransmitters it's hard, but doable with nutrition and positive outlook.

Healthy lifestyle is recommended for everyone, because it's the most important. Exercise is a huge contributor for brain health, all the extra oxygen and metabolic changes are great. Nutrition are the repairing blocks and the sleep is the rest and the regenerative properties.

So eat very nutrient dense foods, they have thousands of benefits, much better than supplementing with just few things, an all well balanced diet will give you the basics of everything, something hard to do with cherry picking nutrients. There's just simply not enough research of the effects of all the minerals, vitamins and .etc on the brain. Hell we don't know much about the brain anyway.

Sleep, and not just quantity, but quality. We talk about deep sleep, no lights, comfortable bed, nice regime.

About the exercise, just push yourself. It CAN make it worse, give you brain fog, makes the symptoms worse, but after a while will start getting better and you'll feel better off the workout.

Positive outlook is a must. If you're depressed, then forget to get better. The most popular hypothesis about MDMA LTC is that it's caused from anxiety, so anxiety and depression will stop and cripple your progress. You must learn to be happy, to appreciate, to have hope.

I've tried 20-30 supplements, diets and whatever, but what most helped me was to rewire my brain to happiness. Hunting every negative thought in my mind, change it to positive. "Awh my cognition is shit today, I feel dull. *awh fuck*... "At least I have cognition and consciousness, isn't that a miracle that I undermine?" "I don't wanna go out..." *wait? Why?*... there's people sound, noise. ok, I Just imagine that everyone on the street wants to help me and is an old friend" you get the idea. The thing is the survival mechanism of anxiety is much less useful these days than our ancestor days. The reality is we're in much bigger harm from the negative thoughts than their beneficial uses.

So yeah, I don't think you've fried your brain. You're just obsessed from the horrible panic attacks and side effects of the MDMA. If you defeat obsession and anxiety, live healthy lifestyle... I bet your brain will come back at starting point. Just be brave.

- Good luck.

Thank you very much for such a thoughtful response. And yes - if I felt normal for a solid two weeks, that means that I can be ok again. The more I research Zoloft, the more I think it is the culprit. I assumed that if I were to have withdrawals, they would have started immediately after I started reducing the amount I was taking. But I didn't feel very many side effects, so I may have tapered off too quickly. Apparently the effects of Zoloft can hang around for a while after stopping, so the worst of the withdrawals symptoms can creep up later on. I've only been off of it for about three weeks.

I'm trying to eat healthy, but anxiety and panic attacks cause me to throw up, so it's been really difficult and the vomiting is probably prolonging this. I've been drinking nutrition drinks but I'm barely eating solids. I started taking fish oil yesterday after reading that it can help with Zoloft withdrawals. I intend to get back into the gym tonight. Sleep is difficult because I have very vivid nightmares, and I find myself fighting the urge to sleep because my symptoms are the worst in the morning. I feel the best at night, so I want to savor the feeling.

I'm going to keep telling myself that this is what happens when you go off of an SSRI, and that my symptoms are textbook Zoloft withdrawals. Every so often (when I'm in the thick of a panic attack), I think it's the mdma. It's hard to convince myself otherwise when I'm in that state.

You said that your recommendations are things that you have tried... does that mean that MDMA has caused this to happen to you? Or are you just talking about coping with depression? Here I go getting worried again.

 

[ZeroLuck]

I've went through long LTC from MDMA, including DPDR, horrible short-term memory, horrible concentration and learning impairment. However I did 0.8g of MDMA for 10 days, as day 1 was 0.6g, so my concerns for brain damage were horrible. It was obsession that convinced me that I've destroyed my identity and the elements that made me, me. I've thought that I'll not be as competitive or successful as I would be before. Being highly creative person in my field and losing it all was devastating too. This would follow extra anxiety and depression.

Today I'm perfectly fine, I feel like suffering from mini-ptsd from all the bs I've went through, however I'm learning fine, I'm motivated, have happy days... when you put it into perspective that's pretty normal. I'm still distracted as hell, but I was like this before the LTC as well, just never caring about it.

Explain your boyfriend you need support, he'll have hard time understanding you, it's the same with all mental issues, but don't be hard on him if that's the case. However, your plan is great about the textbook Zoloft withdraws, step up your game and even embrace your symptoms and tell yourself that they're harmless itself, which is truth as well. Omega 3 is great choice, overall you can google best diet for dementia and try to follow it, but supplementation is the support, the core is to rewire your brain to peace with practicing positive thinking. It won't work overnight, but after few months you'll have great habits, so yeah, that's what helped me the most in my LTC. The other technique is to accept everything as a challenge, you have to throw away the victim mindset. Also don't forget that you took a small dose like a lot of people here, it's very unlikely we're all suffering from any damage, I know we're all different, but not that different that some people turn into potato from 0.15g and other are fine within a week after 1g.

Also, English is not my native language, sorry about that.

- Good luck.

p.s did you check https://www.ecstasydata.org/ for your pill, if it was one?

 

[Shady's Fox]

No, as a brain damage user lmfao, I can that those symptoms hasn't anything to do with it. Try a lower dose if you are new and see how it's then, tho it's always ay to go a bit more up than usual but.. try a lower one and see how it's go. Come back then and we will continue the discussion or whatever

 

[lionheart90]

You didn't fry your brain and you didn't damage it at all.

Everything in your brain is fine, it's just working a little bit differently now because of the drugs. Stop all drugs and go on a health binge, eat healthy, sleep well, blah blah, do all that unicorns and rainbows stuff to help you feel better. It's just a game of time now. You didn't do any damage so there isnt anything to heal. You just re-arranged your brain, now you just need to let it re-arrange itself back to the way it should be. You do that by avoiding drugs and creating a low-key environment where your brain can heal itself.


What happened to you is your receptors have turned inwards on themselves to compensate for the way that drugs work. Too much good drugs = your receptors hide inside theirself and don't want to come out for many months. Expect 6-12 months before your receptors open up and flower again. that's 6-12 months of RECOVERY. if you do drugs during this time you can't expect 6-12 months.

Just sit back and chill. The anixety is one of the biggest things that is wrecking you right now and making things worse.

wait it out 100%. nothing was damaged, just re-arranged. You will be fine. I know it seems like you won't, but you will be fine. Just focus on getting by and chilling for now. Those first few months are the worst.

DO NOT go back on zoloft. Zoloft or any other anti-depressant is never going to be as good as your brain is at healing. Just let your brain do its own thing. It might make you feel miserable, but accept that as a consequence of your choice to do drugs.

don't go to the ER. Doctors aint gonna be able to do shit for you cept give you narcotic pills or anti-depressants. Neither of which shorten your recovery time.

This is all attributed to the MDMA and drugs, it's not the SSRI.

and tell your boyfriend to get fucked. people have different chemistry so it's not like "ohh I took more than you, you should be OK". That is a total dismissal of how unique each persons body is. Maybe the guy is just dumb, idk.

 

[Stupidk]

How are you doing now ?