Hello aug , and everyone making positive changes in their lives!
I'm 30 something days clean and sober . Uh .... well except for yesterday. Look , I was cleaning my room and I thought I got rid of all my paraphernalia. I gave away left over pills I had , pieces of suboxone etc .
I'm cleaning and I find a norco, I get excited, I sat with it and asked myself WHY I wanted to eat it. Usually I wouldn't even THINK . It's drugs , eat them or squirrel them away for anxiety attacks. . That's just the way I've been .
So being honest with myself , hell I wanted to FEEL it. (Get high)
And this goes against everything I am doing for myself ATM.
So I got up , and flushed it while repeating the affirmations I've been using.
So back to cleaning my closet out, (wow that's deep lol) now I find a handful of gabapentine .
GEEZ, cmon now!! So no way I'm tossing those I have a friend who really likes them , I'll give them to her.
I'm very annoyed at this point and wtf I look down and see a quarter of a little blue pill. The only pill I would cut in sections would be foxy roxy..
Everything rational goes out the window, I crush it and snort it. And it COULD of been a piece of a Valium.(it might of been) Really I don't see how I would of let my favorite drug slip past me for all that time...
So I realize how easy it is to lose myself. It was too soon. A little bit won't hurt is what I told myself, but that little bit caused the old person I'm trying to suppress and make disappear for good, POP their head up and say HEY IM STILL HERE AND I LETS DO MORE.
Ya it's just too soon ... I've told myself , that after 6 months, then if I really think it's ok, I can maybe eat a Valium or something if it comes my way , longer to drink a beer , maybe a year. I won't even consider it until then.
I feel pretty ashamed for doing that, not so much that I did it , but how I wanted more right after.
I'm not fresh out the frying pan though. I quit my long term heroine addiction 6 years ago . But since then I've drank , was addicted to meth for a year and have been on short term binges that last from 1week - 3 months. Drinking all the little long way. I kept telling myself I was ok because I knew when to quit. Or that I had no choice but to use if I wanted to keep a job.
I know by now that this isn't what I want , it's time to FACE the problems that got me using in the first place.
I quit my last job and have been at home this past month, so the real test is gonna be dealing with crippling anxiety when I DO go back to work.
Wish me luck guys! And kudos to everyone who has decided it's time to make a change and heal our wounds ! Much love