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Day 58 sober but I feel like using again :(

Jabberwocky

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
1,256
Location
Looking-Glass Land
I don't know why but the pain has been bad last few days. I just feel like using anything, even a drink or a cigarette but I just know if I do it is going to have a domino effect.

I think part of the reason is my friend has gone away and every time I have looked after his pad I've gone on a week long binge where it's just been me self medicating through drinking, smoking and occasional coke using. This time am sober, a good thing is am not staying at his but still have to go over there to feed his dog.

Am trying to channel this negative energy into something positive and my head is going NO, NO, NO, NO!!!

I was going to head to an AA meeting but even then my head went NO and NO.

Eh think I will be a sad case and go eat some junk food again, that seems to have of worked the last 58 days although now am putting on too much weight.
 
What kind of junk food are you eating? I'm craving Funyuns for some reason. Haven't had them in years, but I just thought of them

0003701034_10.jpg
 
What type of pain are you dealing with?

It's been over a year since daily opioid use for me. There's been a few weeks/months were I was binging, but for the most part no pills. Just asked someone about oc's yesterday. Been dealing with back pain, but mostly I just want to get high. Haven't been very motivated lately.

Even though I probably wouldn't say no if they were offered to me right now, I am glad that I didn't get any. When I think about all the trouble they caused and all the things I missed out on to get high, I am glad they are no longer part of my life.
 
Mafioso said:
What type of pain are you dealing with?

It's been over a year since daily opioid use for me. There's been a few weeks/months were I was binging, but for the most part no pills. Just asked someone about oc's yesterday. Been dealing with back pain, but mostly I just want to get high. Haven't been very motivated lately.

Even though I probably wouldn't say no if they were offered to me right now, I am glad that I didn't get any. When I think about all the trouble they caused and all the things I missed out on to get high, I am glad they are no longer part of my life.
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Just being depressed etc. I just hate living this way. It goes from extreme high to low or low to high. Fed up of seeking help the last 20 years.

I guess today's pain was more of a headache. Just that need to use...My head thinking that's what it needs at that moment.

I ended up over eating instead :(

Had 2 enchilada's drenched in cheese with Mexican rice and salsa sauce. A tub of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, few oreo sticks, 2 chicken kievs, some other junk.

Now I need to hang a shit
 
The first time I got off bupe I had like 6, 7 months clean and relapsed. Wanted to do it again so badly. It can take a long time but things will get easier <3

SheWasLvL18 said:
What kind of junk food are you eating? I'm craving Funyuns for some reason. Haven't had them in years, but I just thought of them
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oh man I love funyuns on the right occasion

does contain msg though
 
noonoo said:
Just being depressed etc. I just hate living this way. It goes from extreme high to low or low to high. Fed up of seeking help the last 20 years.

I guess today's pain was more of a headache. Just that need to use...My head thinking that's what it needs at that moment.

I ended up over eating instead :(

Had 2 enchilada's drenched in cheese with Mexican rice and salsa sauce. A tub of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, few oreo sticks, 2 chicken kievs, some other junk.

Now I need to hang a shit
Click to expand...

oh man can we hang out and eat ice cream together lol

%)
 
Okay, so eating a lot of junk food isn't great if it's a permanent habit-- but I gotta put things in perspective. Chocolate never sent me to jail, wrecked my car, lost my job, made me lie & steal, or put me in the ICU.

Given the alternatives, I'll indulge in a little junk food now & then.

Peace&Love,
jasper
 
jasperkent said:
Okay, so eating a lot of junk food isn't great if it's a permanent habit-- but I gotta put things in perspective. Chocolate never sent me to jail, wrecked my car, lost my job, made me lie & steal, or put me in the ICU.

Given the alternatives, I'll indulge in a little junk food now & then.

Peace&Love,
jasper
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Thanks.

I have crashed my car a few times. Even lost my license twice because of drink driving. Yet still wanted to drink and drive again.

I got through the rough weekend which was vital to me. This week has already been semi crappy enough, the last thing I would of wanted is to make it more crappier by going I relapsed etc...
 
Just wanted to stop by and tell you GREAT JOB for avoiding relapsing this past weekend. I have terrible self discipline and once I make my mind up to relapse, I do it. And it doesn't take a whole lot to persuade me into thinking using again is somehow a good idea. I could learn a lot from you.
 
Congratulations on staying strong my dear friend!!

Just had to tell you how proud I am of you no, here if you need anything.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.
 
noonoo said:
I have crashed my car a few times. Even lost my license twice because of drink driving. Yet still wanted to drink and drive again.

Me, too. I actually have 4 DUI's... and those are just the times I was caught. I've driven drunk hundreds of times, often in blackouts. I am so very grateful that I've never hurt or killed anybody. Not sure I could live with that.
​

My sobriety benefits everyone.

Peace&Love,
jasper


"Thunder is good, thunder is impressive. But it is lightning that does the work." -- Mark Twain
 
jasperkent said:
noonoo said:
I have crashed my car a few times. Even lost my license twice because of drink driving. Yet still wanted to drink and drive again.

Me, too. I actually have 4 DUI's... and those are just the times I was caught. I've driven drunk hundreds of times, often in blackouts. I am so very grateful that I've never hurt or killed anybody. Not sure I could live with that.
​

My sobriety benefits everyone.

Peace&Love,
jasper


"Thunder is good, thunder is impressive. But it is lightning that does the work." -- Mark Twain
Click to expand...

I am also greatful for not killing anyone. I remember the last DUI I had my car was totalled. As was the other persons. It fucked my credit record as I stopped paying the insurance company. No luck now ever getting a mortgage or loan etc...During that head space all I wanted was to be intoxicated. 69 days into sobriety it so sad that it is still the same story and probably will be for the rest of my life.
 
Hey noonoo,

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. You have and are doing amazing. Seriously.

It sounds like your mental health needs to be addressed. I was diagnosed w Bipolar 2 three and a half years ago. I was given Neurontin (gabapentin) for nerve pain which it didn't help for, but helps w Bipolar 2.

I would probably be a heroin addict w no desire to ever stop if not for being on meds that help w the crippling anxiety.

I admire all you've accomplished <3
 
I agree. Don't downplay the significance of your sobriety.

For an alcoholic/addict like me, one day clean&sober is a fucking miracle. I'm at day 71 and I still have anxiety and depression-- but it's not nearly as bad as it was a couple months ago. I know that self-medicating always makes it worse in the long run.

I've been to psych docs many times in the past. The antidepressants I've tried (several) either did nothing or had unbearable side effects. I always abuse benzodiazepines. So I just cope the best I can with the help of a recovery program and the people in it. I'm not against psych meds; I know lots of folks benefit from them. Just not me.

Best wishes to all.

Peace&Love,
jasper

"I've never woke up in the morning wishing I'd gotten drunk the night before." -- jasper
 
noonoo said:
Yeah sure but it has to be the Jimmy Fallon ice cream. Not a fan of the show but this little tub does wonders for me lol.

FallonOG.jpg
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I read in AA literature somewhere along the line, "If you want a drink, go get a milkshake. If you still want to drink, get another milkshake. If you still want to drink, you're not an alcoholic, you're insane." After picking up a couple of prescriptions at the pharmacy last night, I was sooooo tempted to head down to wine aisle, but I had an appointment with the psychiatrist this morning. So I drove across the street to Wawa (gas station/convenience store/deli chain on the US east coast) and got myself a milkshake. Sounds like stupid advice but it kept me out of a bottle last night.
 
Hello 10!

What meds do you take now that help your chronic pain, I need to address mine.

Hugs darlin,
Ash.

10YearsGone said:
Hey noonoo,

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. You have and are doing amazing. Seriously.

It sounds like your mental health needs to be addressed. I was diagnosed w Bipolar 2 three and a half years ago. I was given Neurontin (gabapentin) for nerve pain which it didn't help for, but helps w Bipolar 2.

I would probably be a heroin addict w no desire to ever stop if not for being on meds that help w the crippling anxiety.

I admire all you've accomplished
Click to expand...
 
Last edited by a moderator:
That's good work Aih. And progress. ,<3

Hey Ashley. I take Lyrica as a majority of my pain is neurological.
 
Hey 10, glad it works for you!!! I have bone pain that radiates down my arm even after the fusion. They rx'd gab with hydro's when I first blew my neck but the gab made me nuts, literally, I was super angry/aggro on it. Lol!!

Hugs,
Ash.
10YearsGone said:
That's good work Aih. And progress. ,
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