Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
About 4 months ago I spiralled into what I would like to think of as a mid life crisis however when I look at the definition it is quite loosely defined.
To explain my problems and how I even got here let's go to the beginning....
- Since I can remember I have often been depressed and anxious. Pscyhologist thinks bipolar but just calls it a naming term.
- For the last 20 years (from 13/14 years old) I have seen counsellors and psychologists off and on about this until the end of last year where I said fuck it I am done and not doing this ever again. It was just no longer working and as in the past this was a common theme. I would go for an intense 3 months then would be ok for some time then crap happens again. The cycle was the same and at 33 I just felt fucken hopeless with success or no success.
- I have been on meds now for nearly 10 years (antidepressants).
- I was born an addict I believe with a penchant for alcohol and later on it became smoking cigarettes, gambing and substances if available. At close to 3 years old I was found passed out in a cellar by my parents when I drank a cup of wine. At age 9 I went with my father during the break period of the Croatian vs Serbian war to see family. He let me openly drink and even then I was curious to try smoking but never did. For the record none of my parents or brother is an alcoholic or an addict in the sense they abuse. Like my dad has had the same case of beer for a year now with maybe only a few bottles left.
- I come from a Serbian cultural background where mental health is frowned upon. They automatically think it means going to a nut house.
- I have had to hide my mental issues from family as the topic is foreign. Even dad who semi understands doesn't say much. My brother was caring and tried his best to help with my addiction but as he has his own family it is a topic he does not discuss. Since the beginning have had to be ashamed of this and yet all I wanted was support.
So what happened?
Since 2011 when I finished my post graduate degree / Masters in Business things just didn't take off as planned. I kept on trying to get work and ended up finding myself losing motivation, getting more depressed and anxious as the months dragged on. This led to more drinking and then when I would get a job, I would lose it quite quickly as I would either get very anxious with deadlines, interaction with some of the people or my drinking would get in the way. Ie showing up to work hungover.
For some time I pretended to work off and on and my parents believed the story. Eventually I began working for my older brother who had just sold up his half of his last IT business as his business partner wasn't working as hard.
My parents were happy and decided to buy me a brand new car as I hadn't gotten one when I graduated years ago. My thinking for the real reason of the purchase of the car was other Serbs were buying cars and mum felt insecure and manic so decided to buy it. A lot of these Serbs are socially insecure and do the same. I objected to it over and over and over again as I had crashed the last second hand car I had to drink driving. I could sense what would happen again but she insisted. Dad just wanted to shut her up so away we went on his birthday date
As months progressed the wage my brother promised didn't arrive and after 6 months and taking on tax and other debt for him I parted ways mutually. This led me to go drinking at my old favourite hang out where I even tried to commit suicide, first by drowning and then tying jumper lead cables around my neck years before. Will get back to that story later. Here is a photo of the location:
I didn't really care about being used like that as he is my brother and he was there for me many times before when I needed bailing out but it was hurting that a lot of time was passing by and I was getting zero support from him yet I would see him helping out no name people.
During this time I started accruing debt from some people for dumb fucken reasons. Mainly to support my drinking, occasionaly gambling and then rare cocaine usage which began at the end of last year, i.e. December. Other times my folks were ringing down my neck. When will your brother pay you, you need to pay insurance etc.
Eventually I did talk him into paying things but he demanded the letter from insurance, account numbers off people, their phone numbers as he wanted to speak to them about why I was owing etc. Like FFS I am 33 but he lost credibility in me when he knew I had an addiction problem and took his money once which was 10 years ago. He wanted to pay directly and speak to them, at the same time he was telling me he was struggling financially as the investment he just got was only going to last so long. I love my nephews and niece too much so just let it slide.
Unfortunately this is where some money came in unforeseeably. Dad's car was hit by another and insurance money was coming in. As his English is not the best he let me take care of it. The insurance money went into my account and I was meant to transfer it right over to him when it came in. Unfortunately I took a $1000 of the $10665 thinking I could gamble it and make some money to help pay off my debts. I did a bit, then kept on gambling what was left and blowing on coke etc..Eventually this is when the cash dried up
I was at the same old park bench at the lake going to myself you've been here the last year and you're always at same spot where you wanted to die those 10 years ago and all you've seen is a life go by of what would of happened if you didn't. It just became so depressive. Still the same fuck ups, reminder of my nothingness at my age, it being too late to catch up with others etc...Me justifying even when things did go well it always fucked up later. The only thing I was gracious for was meeting my nephews and niece however the reality of them moving to America as my bro wants to move the business there just hurt me too much. That was like the only thing that made me happy for these years of depression.
I said fuck it I am going all out. I am going to sell my car to the car dealer it was bought from the next day and if I make all the money back including the money to pay my dad it will be a sign to live and repair everything. So the car was sold and I got a hotel in the old suburb where I grew up next to the beach. My gambling was going well and with the wins would get cocaine occasionally. This then spiralled to me doing 4 - 8 grams a night. Prior to this coke usuage I would do a gram or 2 at most if I could afford it. Then bang I decided to do a $21000 bet. I did my homework. Team I chose to win in soccer was winning then lost in second half. In hindsight I should of held on to the next day, or halved the 21000.
This is when I began to wonder WTF do I do now? I want to fucken die but I want to give it one more shot. So I asked my dad for a confirmation code for the credit card and got their account working online. Slowly I started taking cash out. $10000 in one day, etc...At this stage I knew I was fucked and I wrote suicide letters to everyone. The plan was to jump infront of a train with only my ID and letters in my backpack and to hand them to someone before I jumped. However I also began looking at ways to die through cocaine usage. On the second last night stay at the hotel, sorry cannot remember here I swallowed 4 grams of coke having already snorted a few grams before. I blacked out, I remember shaking then blacking out all of a sudden. It was a fucked feeling when I could eventually stand, kept on wanting to fall etc...
In the end I could not kill myself. At this stage I went to stay at my friends place as I could no longer afford to stay at the hotel and I had fuck all cash. Plus he was going to the US for 3 weeks to see his old man.
This is when days passed and I had my brother and family asking what happened to the money? I told my brother the truth etc. He in return told my parents. For some unknown reason they have remained to be chilled about it when they very well could of called up the police and had me arrested for theft.
Where am I now?
- I have been back home the last 2 days.
- I owe more to my coke dealer than before as I was buying large quantities and he thought at IOU was good for it.
- A lot of people don't take my story seriously or I have simply decided not to tell them.
- I have no car
- This is now the 3rd serious suicide attempt that has followed a similar scenario. I gamble the lot first then make an attempt at killing myself. Yet this one baffles me the most as I can disconnect gambling so easily, I can go 2 years without but just when I drink and begin that trauma comes back if you want to call it that. The last serious attempt with this scenario I was on the edge of a cliff and backed out but promised myself I would complete my masters and do all it took to get better. During this period I lost 20 kg's was fit as hell, just life seemed so depressing without being numb.
- My mum is already talking about helping me to buy a property
- Mum is telling me she is the psychiatrist and Dr and to only listen to her. Unfortunately this is why I got into the mess some what. Listening to a mentally unstable person and being put down throughout life.
- Dad is very quiet
- I have not seen my brother or nephews and niece.
- Now everything seems to be surreal and like a dream.
WTF DO I DO? I feel rehab would be good but for how long? At the moment I am obviously not wanting to use. It is just I always find when I am on my own I am my worst own enemy. Yet the thought of having a partner and dragging them through my mental health issues seems like an unfair fucken burden.
This situation itself is baffling to me. I was always so caring and respective of others from an early age where as many weren't and it seems like as if I became the people I resented
Note: Thank you so for reading. Would love to hear advice. I wish I was lying but I am not. (
To explain my problems and how I even got here let's go to the beginning....
- Since I can remember I have often been depressed and anxious. Pscyhologist thinks bipolar but just calls it a naming term.
- For the last 20 years (from 13/14 years old) I have seen counsellors and psychologists off and on about this until the end of last year where I said fuck it I am done and not doing this ever again. It was just no longer working and as in the past this was a common theme. I would go for an intense 3 months then would be ok for some time then crap happens again. The cycle was the same and at 33 I just felt fucken hopeless with success or no success.
- I have been on meds now for nearly 10 years (antidepressants).
- I was born an addict I believe with a penchant for alcohol and later on it became smoking cigarettes, gambing and substances if available. At close to 3 years old I was found passed out in a cellar by my parents when I drank a cup of wine. At age 9 I went with my father during the break period of the Croatian vs Serbian war to see family. He let me openly drink and even then I was curious to try smoking but never did. For the record none of my parents or brother is an alcoholic or an addict in the sense they abuse. Like my dad has had the same case of beer for a year now with maybe only a few bottles left.
- I come from a Serbian cultural background where mental health is frowned upon. They automatically think it means going to a nut house.
- I have had to hide my mental issues from family as the topic is foreign. Even dad who semi understands doesn't say much. My brother was caring and tried his best to help with my addiction but as he has his own family it is a topic he does not discuss. Since the beginning have had to be ashamed of this and yet all I wanted was support.
So what happened?
Since 2011 when I finished my post graduate degree / Masters in Business things just didn't take off as planned. I kept on trying to get work and ended up finding myself losing motivation, getting more depressed and anxious as the months dragged on. This led to more drinking and then when I would get a job, I would lose it quite quickly as I would either get very anxious with deadlines, interaction with some of the people or my drinking would get in the way. Ie showing up to work hungover.
For some time I pretended to work off and on and my parents believed the story. Eventually I began working for my older brother who had just sold up his half of his last IT business as his business partner wasn't working as hard.
My parents were happy and decided to buy me a brand new car as I hadn't gotten one when I graduated years ago. My thinking for the real reason of the purchase of the car was other Serbs were buying cars and mum felt insecure and manic so decided to buy it. A lot of these Serbs are socially insecure and do the same. I objected to it over and over and over again as I had crashed the last second hand car I had to drink driving. I could sense what would happen again but she insisted. Dad just wanted to shut her up so away we went on his birthday date
As months progressed the wage my brother promised didn't arrive and after 6 months and taking on tax and other debt for him I parted ways mutually. This led me to go drinking at my old favourite hang out where I even tried to commit suicide, first by drowning and then tying jumper lead cables around my neck years before. Will get back to that story later. Here is a photo of the location:
I didn't really care about being used like that as he is my brother and he was there for me many times before when I needed bailing out but it was hurting that a lot of time was passing by and I was getting zero support from him yet I would see him helping out no name people.
During this time I started accruing debt from some people for dumb fucken reasons. Mainly to support my drinking, occasionaly gambling and then rare cocaine usage which began at the end of last year, i.e. December. Other times my folks were ringing down my neck. When will your brother pay you, you need to pay insurance etc.
Eventually I did talk him into paying things but he demanded the letter from insurance, account numbers off people, their phone numbers as he wanted to speak to them about why I was owing etc. Like FFS I am 33 but he lost credibility in me when he knew I had an addiction problem and took his money once which was 10 years ago. He wanted to pay directly and speak to them, at the same time he was telling me he was struggling financially as the investment he just got was only going to last so long. I love my nephews and niece too much so just let it slide.
Unfortunately this is where some money came in unforeseeably. Dad's car was hit by another and insurance money was coming in. As his English is not the best he let me take care of it. The insurance money went into my account and I was meant to transfer it right over to him when it came in. Unfortunately I took a $1000 of the $10665 thinking I could gamble it and make some money to help pay off my debts. I did a bit, then kept on gambling what was left and blowing on coke etc..Eventually this is when the cash dried up
I was at the same old park bench at the lake going to myself you've been here the last year and you're always at same spot where you wanted to die those 10 years ago and all you've seen is a life go by of what would of happened if you didn't. It just became so depressive. Still the same fuck ups, reminder of my nothingness at my age, it being too late to catch up with others etc...Me justifying even when things did go well it always fucked up later. The only thing I was gracious for was meeting my nephews and niece however the reality of them moving to America as my bro wants to move the business there just hurt me too much. That was like the only thing that made me happy for these years of depression.
I said fuck it I am going all out. I am going to sell my car to the car dealer it was bought from the next day and if I make all the money back including the money to pay my dad it will be a sign to live and repair everything. So the car was sold and I got a hotel in the old suburb where I grew up next to the beach. My gambling was going well and with the wins would get cocaine occasionally. This then spiralled to me doing 4 - 8 grams a night. Prior to this coke usuage I would do a gram or 2 at most if I could afford it. Then bang I decided to do a $21000 bet. I did my homework. Team I chose to win in soccer was winning then lost in second half. In hindsight I should of held on to the next day, or halved the 21000.
This is when I began to wonder WTF do I do now? I want to fucken die but I want to give it one more shot. So I asked my dad for a confirmation code for the credit card and got their account working online. Slowly I started taking cash out. $10000 in one day, etc...At this stage I knew I was fucked and I wrote suicide letters to everyone. The plan was to jump infront of a train with only my ID and letters in my backpack and to hand them to someone before I jumped. However I also began looking at ways to die through cocaine usage. On the second last night stay at the hotel, sorry cannot remember here I swallowed 4 grams of coke having already snorted a few grams before. I blacked out, I remember shaking then blacking out all of a sudden. It was a fucked feeling when I could eventually stand, kept on wanting to fall etc...
In the end I could not kill myself. At this stage I went to stay at my friends place as I could no longer afford to stay at the hotel and I had fuck all cash. Plus he was going to the US for 3 weeks to see his old man.
This is when days passed and I had my brother and family asking what happened to the money? I told my brother the truth etc. He in return told my parents. For some unknown reason they have remained to be chilled about it when they very well could of called up the police and had me arrested for theft.
Where am I now?
- I have been back home the last 2 days.
- I owe more to my coke dealer than before as I was buying large quantities and he thought at IOU was good for it.
- A lot of people don't take my story seriously or I have simply decided not to tell them.
- I have no car
- This is now the 3rd serious suicide attempt that has followed a similar scenario. I gamble the lot first then make an attempt at killing myself. Yet this one baffles me the most as I can disconnect gambling so easily, I can go 2 years without but just when I drink and begin that trauma comes back if you want to call it that. The last serious attempt with this scenario I was on the edge of a cliff and backed out but promised myself I would complete my masters and do all it took to get better. During this period I lost 20 kg's was fit as hell, just life seemed so depressing without being numb.
- My mum is already talking about helping me to buy a property
- Mum is telling me she is the psychiatrist and Dr and to only listen to her. Unfortunately this is why I got into the mess some what. Listening to a mentally unstable person and being put down throughout life.
- Dad is very quiet
- I have not seen my brother or nephews and niece.
- Now everything seems to be surreal and like a dream.
WTF DO I DO? I feel rehab would be good but for how long? At the moment I am obviously not wanting to use. It is just I always find when I am on my own I am my worst own enemy. Yet the thought of having a partner and dragging them through my mental health issues seems like an unfair fucken burden.
This situation itself is baffling to me. I was always so caring and respective of others from an early age where as many weren't and it seems like as if I became the people I resented
Note: Thank you so for reading. Would love to hear advice. I wish I was lying but I am not. (
