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Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

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..."lack of love and connection in our lives"

Yeah, that's pretty much the underlying reason for me. Many different problems but it really amounts to this. And now I'm just bored. Couldn't be employed for so long from the chronic pain I feel unplugged from society now. If I ever have any resemblance of a chill life, I will be shocked. I have no hope whatsoever I feel like I am waiting. Waiting to lose more and more.

So etizolam and alprazolam. Etizolam is a horrible choice to treat chronic anxiety, it is not really a benzo but a thienodiazepine. It affects the same part of the brain but the feeling is very different. It is less sedating while being actually very euphoric (I do not find any real benzo euphoric whatsoever), so higher doses can be taken. I find it very abusable and will never use it again. The amount of alprazolam I can take (xanax) is limited because if I take any more than one or two xanax bars I will pass out. With etizolam, I could take 30mg or more at a time (it is about half as potent as xanax, so these doses are extreme in comparison) and I still wouldn't be all that physically sedated. It became a problem as it was the last resort one when there was nothing else to have and at one point had way too much of it.

It does not treat anxiety well at all, especially for a benzo addict. It leaves the feeling of something missing for me, but not at higher doses. Then it can become very much euphoric especially with weed, and the amnesia I get is ridiculous. It is not as well researched although prescribed in a few countries. It is much more dangerous in my opinion to use long term, especially considering the effect on prolactin. This can cause men to have a chest that is feminine looking and loss of sex drive and all these side effects I've never experienced from any real benzo. The worst ones are skin lesions, and eye twitches. It really seems to dry the eyes out. It is so short acting you have to keep taking it way too often, it's just irritating.

Now that I am on real benzos a doctor at least knows what I am taking. They would not know wtf etizolam is. I am not looking to take high doses that are required for anxiety relief and end up euphoric and really high, when one or two xanax bars will be better for my anxiety, longer acting at a way lower dose, while still leaving me depressed (feeling more like myself). Etizolam changes the way I socialize in a really weird way I have realized. I don't like it at all and am glad to never use it again. It is really dangerous to use in comparison to real meds especially long term.

My anxiety is so much better managed now but I'm also feeling low. Down on myself, depressed. Could just be a bad day, I was sad earlier. And yesterday was really fun so maybe I exhausted myself into anhedonia by experiencing pleasurable things like getting my nice hair cut. I think the depression will pass, it has been a few days that shit should be getting out of my system by now. In the meantime I will be drinking plenty of coffee.

Best luck ever... the dispensary cut me a chunk of hash I asked for a gram then was like yo could I get 1.5 actually, turns out the chunk weighed in at exactly that. 1g hash was labelled and dudes like a gram of hash? I'm like yep! So I got a free half gram, which I in fact could really use at the moment. Hash is expensive too so this is just awesome. I wasn't going to say no man, it's 1.5 lol. That was the one good part of my day apart from starting up hot yoga again after benzo withdrawal and a few days of recovery. The class was wonderful, I am still very thirsty I sweat so much. It is such a demanding practice to do daily (which is my goal at this point). So much aftercare goes into it to get ready for the next time. I really enjoy it though. I just thought by this time of the summer I might have met a girl but whatever I guess. It's depressing as fuck.
 
Really great insight into the benzo situation ShroomySatori! You have done SO good to get your usage down to where one Xanax bar will work! That is amazing! You were at such high doses not very long ago. You must be still adjusting to this way lower dosage still. But look, you even said yourself that these lower dosages are actually controlling the anxiety problem way better! I suggested that to you many times, that these higher dosages may actually be causing more anxiety and panic. You get the rebound panic that those types of medications cause on top of your bad anxiety situation and it makes things so much worse.

Caused you to actually turn to the etizolam. Which is horrible. Anyone out there that is using that and reading this- take it from ShroomySatori- get the heck off it ASAP!!!

I'm so proud of you shroomy. You have shown such courage and you are a downright badass! I look up to you! The way you just endured the freaking H withdrawal was amazing. The way you tell your friends to never, ever mention or bring that stuff around you is incredible.

ShroomySatori, there is a very special woman out there for you. I just know it. Don't you be getting down, you are only feeling this way because of the huge drop down in benzo usage to a medically prescribe- able level! You recognize that you have not been acting right socially. Now that you are getting better and better each day and have friends now and everything, things are going to fall into place. One day very soon, the love of your life is just going to appear. Let all this sadness about that and about the past fall away from you and you will see I am right. I promise my dear friend. I know because I have been through this also! Hold tight my friend! You almost have it made!

Awesome about scoring the extra hash too! I wish for all your dreams to come true and they will if you just keep on trucking in the direction you have been heading for quite awhile now. Patience. Good things come to those who wait.
 
RunningFox- Obviously you are right.
For me there are multiple issues at play together at the same time. Pain from surgery, embarrassment about being dependant on pills, boredom(since I cant do much while I am healing), loneliness (feeling like I have nobody to open up to about my struggle), and depression (wds). On top of that pile of crap, I am a high-functioning Autistic adult who lives a normal middle-class suburban life. And I am trying like hell to keep my life through pain, and bills, and worry about my career. Pills mean I can work around the house, and have time and patience for my family.
Giving them up just sounds hopeless. I know I will get there. I know it wont kill me. But it just sounds hopeless right now.
 
Hey Squeaky,

Man I understand where you're coming from,

You and I both being pain patients, those are all the same issues I deal with.

I just want you to know you are not alone, when the time is right you will be done with your pain medication for good. That time may not be right now, and that's okay too. Be kind and patient with yourself, you are going through so much.

There is zero shame in needing to take something when you're in pain. Although I do understand the shame and stigma you speak of.


Anyways, just wanted to let you know I understand, and I'm here for you anytime, and you're so right, you WILL get there!!!

hugs,
your friend,
Ashley.


Squeaky said:
RunningFox- Obviously you are right.
For me there are multiple issues at play together at the same time. Pain from surgery, embarrassment about being dependant on pills, boredom(since I cant do much while I am healing), loneliness (feeling like I have nobody to open up to about my struggle), and depression (wds). On top of that pile of crap, I am a high-functioning Autistic adult who lives a normal middle-class suburban life. And I am trying like hell to keep my life through pain, and bills, and worry about my career. Pills mean I can work around the house, and have time and patience for my family.
Giving them up just sounds hopeless. I know I will get there. I know it wont kill me. But it just sounds hopeless right now.
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Hey guys! Ugh got my self in a scary predicament. I'm pregnant . Scared to stop cold turkey because of miscarriage but feel terrible taking anything at this point . Just scared all around , I'm 38 which is old to be pregnant , have a 16 and 13 year old . Had easy pregnancies with them but I was much younger . I take about 40 mg OxyContin a day at this point and have to be clean by the time I go to OB for first blood tests and ultrasounds . Can't find hardly any info on how oxy can effect growing fetus and just so ashamed and scared hoping it didn't cause any damage so far.
 
Thanks Shroomy. Problem is I don't have any pain and I don't get them from a doctor . Started taking them because I work 3rd shift and they help me work all night . So I can't have any show up on blood tests . Going to start taper tomorrow . It is what it is, I'd rather go thru detox and miscarry then have a baby addicted to drugs or be taken away. I'm hoping as long as I stay hydrated and take my pre natal vitamins them baby should be ok. Sucks to be 38 married and still be scared to tell my parents as well, they paid for us all to go on a cruise to the islands in Nov and I'm going to have to cancel because you can't go on a cruise when pregnant . Hopefully then can get some money back not sure how cancellations work .
 
You know I haven't heard from two of my best friends on here in a really long time. Several months each, both IV drugs users one stims one dillies.

Wpmder what happened to them as we chatted daily until we didn't.

I am doing well, on a dreamy combo of weed and hash, and took val and xan but I'm in withdrawal still in fact. They haven't kicked in I haven't been dosing much and etizolam I suspect presents withdrawal symptoms of its own in some way, shape, or form as absurd amounts of that stuff leaves my system. Feeling a little edgy, great though about not requiring painkillers anymore. I somehow made it out for now. Benzos are way more manageable than fiending dope I need to plan for next year to get off them though. asap. but time to chill. Hard to believe this time last year I had a needle in my arm, 5 times I did this. I don't know if I could do that now. You never know with this shit though it's tricky. I feel like I would die if I did it again, the last two times I used it both times were damn near serious overdoses and really different experiences. Both led to continued use too and then worsened withdrawals wearing me out again and again. Drove me fucking insane it's no wonder I'm not right.
 
If you start feeling shitty and end up going through this on your own then definitely slow down the taper, stress is not what you want.

40mg = you should be good not like you've been smoking crack or snorting dope. You'll be good I'd consider bringing it up to a doctor but you know what's up about that. Drop like 5mg every few days if it's too much back off, make sure to pay attention to your body. Don't know what else to say but hurray, good for you.
 
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I agree with Shroomy and Congratulations Larimar! I was just thinking about you the other day, wondering how you were doing.
I don't think you have done any kind of damage to your baby at this point. But I sure do understand why you would be worried and never, ever want to have your child born addicted to opiates and have to watch them endure the withdrawal. That is the most horrifying thing I can even think of.

You are a good person and a great mom to feel that same way. Perhaps this is a major blessing in your life and just the one you needed to kick this problem. You can and will do it. Take it slow and easy on yourself. You do not need stress! Just slowly lower it down. I wouldn't even worry about the blood test, they are not checking for opiates and with the small dosage amount you take, you could easily pass that off as I had a migraine headache and had one of these around the house and did not know I was pregnant yet.

Don't feel pressured that you must be off these before your first doctor appointment. Just slowly lower down and pay attention to your body and for heavens sake- change your job situation! You take these so you can work third shift???!! Get another job! Take some time off. Let your husband take care of you for awhile. 38 and pregnant is going to be exhausting. Be good to yourself and your lovely baby! So happy for you! This is a good thing friend. No worries.
 
Larimar- how long do you have until your blood test? Any chance you could postpone that test if necessary?
As for your baby, as long as you are ok then the baby will be too. The big problem for babys is being born when mom used opiates right up to the end. That puts them instantly into full withdrawal. Thats when they suffer.
Focus on your baby. Start tapering NOW. You may be tired and achy. You will be crapping a lot. Fortunately you have an awesome excuse for everything the wds will put your body through. Whenever you feel bad, blame it on being pregnant.
And 40mg a day is a very small habit. Be sure to get outside as much as possible(sunshine helps tremendously). Make yourself as busy as possible. Work, school, soccer practice, anything to make the time go by. Also avoid processed foods if you can. Particularly MSG and high fructose corn syrup. They make wds worse.

I jumped cold turkey from 60 mg per day once. It sucked for about 4 days. It was no worse than the flu, and thats exactly what I would tell people if I did it again. You can do this, and it wont be as bad as you imagine!
 
Also, tapering is a often game of percentages. Dropping from 40mg to 20mg can feel the same as dropping from 10mg to 5mg. Whatever you figure out, maybe it should be dropping 25% per week, or 5% per day, etc. You have a specific date that you need to be clean. It may be smart to sit down and write out every dose you will take from now until you are done, with dates and times.
One more thing; no more oxy on an empty stomach. And no more chewing, dissolving, or otherwise speeding up the effects of your pills. It takes a few days, but you really want to start forgetting what it is like to feel good after you take a pill. If you could possibly switch to timed release pills that would be best. Your baby is the light in your life now, and you will do better if you start to forget how good the pills make you feel. It helps to keep from cheating on your tapering plan. I am sure it has been a big hindrance for me, and a big reason my tapering plan usually fails.
 
Larimar keep us updated, there should be no problem in fact I think stressing over a 40mg oxy habit would be much more of a problem than quitting the oxy itself.

I could personally never shake off a 40mg long term habit though you are going to have withdrawals if it has been anything long term, measured in years. No avoiding them really but they should be manageable.

When I really wanted to quit I just did but totally different scenario it will be safe for you to do a quick taper I would think in this case if you do not have trouble controlling your opiate use and it sounds like you don't. Seems like a pretty stable habit to me. It is when you go up and down between massive doses and small ones with no self control over and over again that really help should be sought or cold turkey attempted or something else to treat pain tried. Sounds like you are on a stable dose, that is crucial.
You'll be great Larimar if you run into trouble quitting talk to a doctor I would think. That is a dose commonly prescribed for chronic pain. I wouldn't stress over it take 30 or 35mg tomorrow you might not even notice much. I am not sure how long you have been using as that to me, was one of the strongest factors in how bad my withdrawal got. It could still be awful just warning you, I'd just get on that and try not to overthink it unless you start feeling sick.
 
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It is definitely true that it never gets easier over time. After the withdrawals pass it becomes a very different thing and it will make every day for the rest of my days harder to get through. It is a fair consequence I suppose considering the extreme abuse and the drug it was and the purity of it and how long it went on. And how I am lucky enough to still have my life, to still be me.

Just have to find ways to deal with life. I better get used to it. Today I feel great though. Weed, hash, low anxiety, great long sleeps lately, healthy eating for a while and a hardcore yoga class yesterday. Those used to make me pass out for the rest of the day but I can walk out of them now and keep active and not feel like I'm still chasing my breath.

Today is going to be a really chill day I think. I am feeling fantastic! It's nice to be happy and I was happy yesterday too. I'm probably going to sit around smoking weed and hash and having lots of food as this yoga seems to be building up a lot of muscle and I always found it hard to get my core sore the next day but this consistently does the way around not just front or back. The hip openers are so damn good for my body the way I see it every one of those super intense classes that are now, for me, becoming just the right challenge (there is always something I'm like WTF how do people do that and just watch) anyways, now that I am doing that it really helps keep me sane I think. In my mind it is like compensating for a single percocet that I took in the past per gruelling class. My body digests food and meds better and overall I am lighter and more nimble but stronger. This has pretty much been the solution to my back pain. I have chicken legs now but they are flexible AF compared to before and if not stronger then a healthier support. I have much more balance as well, I am really good at balancing now and that will help with pain like if twist the wrong way making breakfast or something like that, it will help with those slight movements that can result in pain since I am overall more physically stable and grounded.

If I don't go for a few days I seriously just fall apart. I'm not going today, it is stress relief day and I am sore from yesterday my connective tissue too of course so I have a little tenderness in my back. I'd say borderline going on pain but I've been very cautious. Really pushed myself yesterday, doing things like that should make me feel more rewarded.

So my next goal for today is to make plans to go see a movie with one of my friends I really want to watch. And maybe grab espressos. But, I want to read 25 pages out of that insanely long book I'm reading. I feel out of that for a while I don't know what it was. I think I was in hysterics for a while I can't even remember. And then I'm finally over a stupid coke crash and benz wd from last week. Just need to write today.
 
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Thank you all for the advice and support . Last few days I have only taken 20 mg. 10 in am and 10 pm. Just feeling the chills and a little bitchy and tired . I'm thinking this is a blessing because I will finally have to quit and actually want and need to . And being pregnant will def give me that excuse to lay around and say I'm not feeling well once I finally jump off. Still scared to tell my parents and job I'm pregnant but it's my life and it is what it is. Hopefully once I am done with the pills my husband can stop as well. We both been on the pills daily for about 2 years and it has hurt our relationship a lot . Here's to new beginnings ?. Wish you all the best and great job Shroomy you have come a long way and should be proud of yourself ?
 
Larimar please don't try going cold turkey! Your baby will definitely suffer and you could miscarry. My ex wife was on opiates whilst pregnant and you have to be really careful. Your only option is to taper. The best way to get clean is by getting professional help, but I'm not sure if you are in a position in which that's an option. It's important that you you are clean before the baby is born because my ex wife wasn't when the babies were born and watching your child going through withdrawals is the worst feeling in the world. I suffered a lot until I bit the bullet and went and got some professional help. As long as you aren't risking child welfare services getting involved, I strongly recommend getting some help. It's not worth risking your baby's health. I've been on methadone for a week now although I did use heroin twice. To be honest, I'm not worried about going back onto heroin because I've started thinking less and less about it. Good luck with whatever you decide to do but for the baby's sake please get clean before you give birth.
 
Great work Billy. I must admit I get excited when I see you have posted. I know you were in the lowest possible place for a while. Its awesome to see youre doing better!!
 
Thanks Billy and yes I'm going to taper I'm only a few weeks into my pregnancy at this point and I'm going to be clean by the time I go to first appointment at doctor . I am concerned with if the OxyContin hurt the fetus development though , they say the first few weeks of development are the most important when all organs and structures are formed . Did your children development and grow normally ? And great job on gettin help and getting on methadone ?
 
I have been pretty reclusive lately. Don't want the summer to pass me by.

I find it difficult to motivate myself but most people my age are working full time, not trying to recover from a lifetime of drug abuse and working stuff out, depressed, back pain, etc. The back pain is horrible today. So I don't have any friends to chill with.

Well, I used to bike around in the summer and make documentaries of my summers. Always scenes of me talking in some nice meadow or lookout, with weed being at the forefront to make it silly. Or random conversations with friends at parties and stuff. I'd mostly just be talking to myself. They are some of my favourite memories, it was just my iPod back then, I wouldn't be out with a phone or anything. Felt free.

I am going to try doing some of the same things now. I need to take getting my career going seriously, but relax and have fun too. I will have to change my environment, find a legit place to study and go there to work on that. Become more mobile, my job is like that anyway. I can go hiking nearby up some trails, there are a couple museums and art galleries I want to go to, maybe check out concerts. I can do these things by myself I almost always have. I can fill my summer with activities and like, stop in different places to look for work just on my laptop or whatev. I think this is a good idea, I have been too reclusive lately. So I will have fun myself and smoke a lot of pot while at this point. Even smoking weed can be an occasion, a walk outside or a little adventure someplace. I should use weed more that way. I'm still not right. I like getting out and doing stuff. Makes me happier and I never know when I will run into a girl. No further responsibilities though one day at a time. I have a lot of energy today. Maybe tomorrow I will do something fun, like go see a movie by myself, or go for a hike or check out some parks or trails nearby.
 
24 hours no oxy right now. I took 90 mg Loperamide yesterday, 3 doses. Today I feel pretty much the same as any day before. I know from experience that without the Loperamide I would be in absolute hell. I know 90 mg is a huge and dangerous amount, so I will start to taper ASAP. But so far it is definitely helping in a big way. Today I will likely do the same, 90 mg over 3 doses. Maybe tomorrow start cutting back a little.
 
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