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Recovery A new me.

ladyhlove said:
Also, I curse even when not angry.

and I wasn't angry just kinda like, what the hell. Didn't think someone would come down on me so hard for hanging out with someone for a few hours of my life and not being interested.
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I think you read more malice into my post then intended. Reading my post back, I can see why. My bad. I didn't mean for it to come across like I was accusing you of being a manipulative bitch. It was meant to be just a friendly warning about old behaviours & a note on preventing them from leading us back to our addiction. I'm only 14 days in on subs, so its totally not my place to start lecturing people who have twice as long as I do as if I know it all. I don't know shit. I'm on this journey same as you are.
 
I hear ya. Sorry to come across as defensive. I, too, feel kinda shitty for this situation as well and wish I hadn't gotten myself into it. Normally, by 2 months single I can at least be ok with going out on a date with someone but it feels so incredibly not right this time around. I've already had the "look, I'm not looking for anything remotely serious" conversation with this guy a couple of times and each time he says understands and agrees and whatever..but then 5 minutes later texts me about being a date to a wedding he's going to in September. Like, I think he thinks he can change my mind or something. We're supposed to meet up tomorrow evening and I'm going to have to talk to him about all of this. I don't like doing things like that via text. If he wants to remain friends, and I mean TRULY friends, that's cool but I need to remind him, once again, that anything romantic is off the table..and will continue to be for the foreseeable future. After I rip this bandaid, I just want to spend my time with work, friends, and maybe some fun new hobbies.
 
ladyhlove said:
I hear ya. Sorry to come across as defensive. I, too, feel kinda shitty for this situation as well and wish I hadn't gotten myself into it. Normally, by 2 months single I can at least be ok with going out on a date with someone but it feels so incredibly not right this time around. I've already had the "look, I'm not looking for anything remotely serious" conversation with this guy a couple of times and each time he says understands and agrees and whatever..but then 5 minutes later texts me about being a date to a wedding he's going to in September. Like, I think he thinks he can change my mind or something. We're supposed to meet up tomorrow evening and I'm going to have to talk to him about all of this. I don't like doing things like that via text. If he wants to remain friends, and I mean TRULY friends, that's cool but I need to remind him, once again, that anything romantic is off the table..and will continue to be for the foreseeable future. After I rip this bandaid, I just want to spend my time with work, friends, and maybe some fun new hobbies.
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If I were you I'd cut contact with him. Seems obvious to me that he has no interest in being friends and is just accepting that because he deludedly thinks he can wear you down into being his girlfriend. He doesn't see friendship as an end goal, to him it's just a stepping stone to something more. How much sub are you on now btw & how far in are you?
 
Rio, I wish you the very best in your recovery but you attacked a young women whom has showed so much damn strength to get to where she is today and is doing wonderful!!! I really look up to ladyh and I’m glad I can’t do anything about what you said to her. I know that is wrong but everyone had their own way of dealing with addiction and what they are going through and I feel she has done wonderful for herself and guiding others. Good for you what you’ve done but I don’t want to ever hear how she has used anyone for selfish needs. Maybe check how you are handling things early on a in sobriety before you react so harshly to someone else’s techniques. WhaT works for some may not for others and I for one and am huge fan of what she has done for herself so far. She is probably my biggest role model on this site and I really don’t like what you have done/said to her. You have no idea how that could compromise her going forward. Your kicking ass ladyh and I really am so proud of you. I will be sending you a message soon. Much love from Nashville.
 
Beenbetter said:
Rio, I wish you the very best in your recovery but you attacked a young women whom has showed so much damn strength to get to where she is today and is doing wonderful!!! I really look up to ladyh and I’m glad I can’t do anything about what you said to her. I know that is wrong but everyone had their own way of dealing with addiction and what they are going through and I feel she has done wonderful for herself and guiding others. Good for you what you’ve done but I don’t want to ever hear how she has used anyone for selfish needs. Maybe check how you are handling things early on a in sobriety before you react so harshly to someone else’s techniques. WhaT works for some may not for others and I for one and am huge fan of what she has done for herself so far. She is probably my biggest role model on this site and I really don’t like what you have done/said to her. You have no idea how that could compromise her going forward. Your kicking ass ladyh and I really am so proud of you. I will be sending you a message soon. Much love from Nashville.
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I've already talked about this with her. I don't know why you feel the need to get involved days after it's already been resolved. You really think I owe you an apology as well? because you're getting offended on her behalf and threatening me? Grow up.
 
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No harm meant man. I didn?t mean to make it sound like threat. Not what I meant. I was prob half asleep and a lil extra emotional. Hahaa. I meant as in not being allowed to say something rude as according to the rules. my bad. Your doing better than me at what we are all trying to accomplish. Again no harm meant.
i didn?t read the whole thread as I shud have.
 
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Alright guys. This is thread got slightly derailed but let's get it back to a positive place. :)

41 days. Jesus, that's feels good to say. I kept myself pretty busy this weekend. Housework all day Sat, went on a 6 mile hike yesterday. I've always loved hiking and I had kinda lost that drive to get out there and get active whilst doing drugs. The natural high it gave me yesterday was great and I hope to do some more hikes in the next coming months.

I had a good talk with that guy I had been kinda seeing this past Thursday when we hung out..it actually went a lot better than I had even hoped. He understands what's going on with me and that my life is in weird place and wants to kind of chill as well. I told him I'm not in any place to date anyone right now and he said he really wasn't either (he's just a few months out of a 10 year relationship himself). So, crisis averted. As I've mentioned previously, codependency is an issue of mine but I'm actually getting to the point where I'm ok being by myself. I'm actually starting to enjoy it,

My treatment center has a lot of group therapy sessions I haven't been taking advantage of. The clinic is only open 6am-11am and I generally pop out of bed, drive the mile down is takes to get there and then leave after dosing so that i can make it to my job on time. I need to make a plan to get up an hour or so early so I can make it to the 7:30 group at least once a week. I need to remember to use this time to improve myself not just twiddle my thumbs and wait for time to pass hoping that time itself will cure this addiction and help my life problems..because it will take much more than time.
 
I haven't updated in a bit!

50 DAYS!!!!

Life is...ok. Still feeling normal on the subs. Cravings are starting to be less and less frequent. I still am having a hard time quitting marijuana..smoking after work helps so much with my craving to go and buy H after work. But, this is a problem because the recovery program I'm in doesn't allow me to piss dirty for ANYTHING if I want to move up in the phases. I won't get kicked out or anything, I just won't move up which allows for more freedom regarding take home doses and such. I talked to my counselor about it recently and he told me to keep smoking ...that it was probably helping me more so than hurting me. He said he wants me to eventually quit, but for now I can keep smoking. My work, however, is beginning "random" drug tests (I know I'm going to be one of the first, there's been suspicion on me for some time) at the end of next month so my time is limited.

Thanks again for all your support Bluelight!
 
Congrats for the 50th day!

Cannabis helped me a lot after quitting opiates but now I have abstained five weeks from everything except coffeine and nicotine as I have been in a rehab for this whole time.

I didn't think much about quitting cannabis but I felt some withdrawals such as increased cravings for other drugs, sweating excessively for over a week and some increased anxiety but those could be also related to quitting other substances too as I had been taking MDMA quite often and some speed once a week as well as some psychedelics such as 2C-B. Also my relationship ended when I entered rehab so atleast the anxiety pretty much have come from that.

On a sidenote I think I have some co-dependency issues (along with my substance use disorder + comorbid bipolar disorder and PTSD) as I wasn't able for example get myself do normal things such as browsing and writing Bluelight but now that we are happily back together I am able to function normally :)
 
Codependency is a problem of mine as well and I'm finding I'm struggling more with that than I am the urge to use drugs. I find myself thinking about how much I miss my ex all the time..not how much I miss drugs.

He's still around..came over last week for our (what is becoming) once a month let's forget about being broken up and be together night. Basically he comes over and we make lots of love intermixed with snuggling, talking, laughing, etc until he leaves the next morning...which is always incredibly hard (for both of us). It seems like those hours are the best moments in my life right now. I'm getting better at being ok with coming home and being alone but I still miss him dearly. The ex boyfriend I was with before him (3 year relationship) just got married this past weekend and my Facebook has been flooded with his wedding pictures the past few days which has been hard for me. Not because I miss that particular ex (we were so incredibly wrong for each other) but it makes me wish I could be happy and in love again. I'm afraid I've done too much damage to my most recent relationship to ever make it work..he lost trust in me and he told his family I was an addict so, of course, they hate me now. He says all of that can be fixed with time and I'm making all the right steps to fix it..but sometimes I wonder if I should just forget about him completely and move on.
 
ladyhlove said:
Codependency is a problem of mine as well and I'm finding I'm struggling more with that than I am the urge to use drugs. I find myself thinking about how much I miss my ex all the time..not how much I miss drugs.

He's still around..came over last week for our (what is becoming) once a month let's forget about being broken up and be together night. Basically he comes over and we make lots of love intermixed with snuggling, talking, laughing, etc until he leaves the next morning...which is always incredibly hard (for both of us). It seems like those hours are the best moments in my life right now. I'm getting better at being ok with coming home and being alone but I still miss him dearly. The ex boyfriend I was with before him (3 year relationship) just got married this past weekend and my Facebook has been flooded with his wedding pictures the past few days which has been hard for me. Not because I miss that particular ex (we were so incredibly wrong for each other) but it makes me wish I could be happy and in love again. I'm afraid I've done too much damage to my most recent relationship to ever make it work..he lost trust in me and he told his family I was an addict so, of course, they hate me now. He says all of that can be fixed with time and I'm making all the right steps to fix it..but sometimes I wonder if I should just forget about him completely and move on.
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First of all, congratulations on maintaining sobriety! You're doing amazing! You should be so proud of yourself! Day 51, would you have ever thought you'd be here 7 weeks ago!?

Secondly, and this is just my uninformed opinion from the outside in, don't you think that these semi-frequent, occasional flings with someone you clearly still have strong, strong feelings for could be doing you more harm than good, emotionally? If I were you I'd either get back with him properly or just end it, since being his monthly fuck buddy seems to just be fucking with your head.
 
Getting back together with him is something that I would love to do. Unfortunately, that isn't up to me. My ex wants me to demonstrate a good amount of clean time before he will consider getting back together with me. I wish that 7 weeks was enough... But to him it isn't... He's thinking like 6 months to a year at minimum. We still have a very odd relationship I wouldn't necessarily call it a fuck buddy though. We care deeply for one another and talk all day everyday (via text..phone calls etc) . Neither of us are seeing anyone else. We both want to get back together but he's worried I'm going to relapse and he doesn't know if he can handle that again.
 
ladyhlove said:
Getting back together with him is something that I would love to do. Unfortunately, that isn't up to me. My ex wants me to demonstrate a good amount of clean time before he will consider getting back together with me. I wish that 7 weeks was enough... But to him it isn't... He's thinking like 6 months to a year at minimum. We still have a very odd relationship I wouldn't necessarily call it a fuck buddy though. We care deeply for one another and talk all day everyday (via text..phone calls etc) . Neither of us are seeing anyone else. We both want to get back together but he's worried I'm going to relapse and he doesn't know if he can handle that again.
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So you guys are physically intimate, have sex, talk all day via phone & text and meet regularly? What exactly would change if you called yourself 'together'? :\
 
Rio, lol nothing. Well, I mean, I would see him daily or almost daily like before rather than once every few weeks or so. But, other than that, nothing else would change really other the fact that neither of us would be able to date/sleep with other people..but honestly not much of that is going on either (I broke off things with that other dude..kinda, I guess...we just started talking less and less until we stopped officially. I told him to not waste his time on me and to date other ppl so I'm thinking he ended up probably meeting someone else, I hope so anyways for him because he's a great guy.)

Yeah, I get it Rio, we're practically together...that's the frustrating part, We keep saying we're gonna dial back our contact some, but it seems impossible. We're in love with each other still and the feelings between us are not dissipating in the least bit..they're getting stronger, if anything. I think he's starting to realize this too. I'm getting the feeling we'll be getting back together sooner than I thought. Maybe, maybe not, we will see. All I know is that I will be ok, regardless.

2 months today, officially (59 days)!!!! And I haven't had a slip up since my one night relapse back in March. I feel like a fucking super hero, lol. I never ever thought I could make it this far and I'm so incredibly grateful for this opportunity to turn my life back around before it really fell apart. I'm so glad I started when I did, as well, season-wise because having such beautiful spring days and really improve my spirits. Warm weather also brings more social activities and keeping busy is key for me. I've found that boredom is my biggest trigger. I am, however, getting so much better at being alone. I don't just mean being single, I mean being by myself at home at night after work without plans. I used to hate nights like that and those nights were the worst as far as cravings go, but now adays I'm actually starting to prefer coming home and having a quiet night to myself. This is big for me since codependency is one of my biggest issues. I have to say, I'm working so hard on myself these days..far more than I ever have in the past and it feels great.

Still doing well and hoping it continues!!! Thanks for keeping up with me, folks! <3 yall!
 
Was thinking about you. Happy to see you are doing so well!

I wish I could have quiet nights at home... damn kids. Enjoy every minute.
 
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