Lost my brightness and divine spark after molly/coke/lsd bad trip

[lionheart90]

Long post, sorry, this has been on my mind for a long time. This is a long term comedown experience that started 3.5 months ago.

When I was 21 I had a very special divine experience. There was something special about this experience that lingered with me for years (I'm 27 now), it was something like a low grade bliss/peace. Although I was frequently depressed I would always have this amazing feeling that deep down I'm still me, and no matter how bad things are now I'm still me deep down and that me is good. This was a mental realization, but it was also a physical feeling. I dealt with anxiety since I was 10 but at 21 it started to go down and by 25 it was basically non-existent. After this bad trip with drugs and the beginning of my first long term comedown, I've felt disconnected from that feeling, the feeling of myself and my divine nature. I've also noticed the anxiety has come back but not like before. I don't feel anxious, I feel blank and disconnected but my actions say I am anxious. (easily triggered, no patience, persistent negative thoughts)

This experience began to fade and I turned to drugs to try and regain the high I once experienced. I did acid for about 1.5 years, molly for the last 3 months of that, and coke 3 times.

For the first few months of doing acid I had exactly what I wanted, the high on life feeling came back, but then it faded and I was left chasing it for a long time until finally i had my worst drug experience. This experience happened on december 5th so about 3.5 months ago. I did about 100mg molly, 0.05g coke (one line), and 3 hits of acid. It was a lot of stimulants, i know, but at the time I didn't know the dangers of mixing substances or mixing stimulants. Also during this trip I drank 2.5 liters of water (chugged a 2 liter + sipped 0.5L over 1 hour). I got a really bad headache and so I drank some salt water once I realized I probably was getting low grade hypontremia.

For the first 3-4 weeks I was suicidal at almost all times, my brain felt full and I was constantly getting headaches. Also I had a strange itch all over my body. By the end of the first month I felt like 10% of my total wellness. I felt absolutely miserable. My ability to concentrate on anything for longer than 3 seconds was totally shot. My eyes would constantly blur out and I thought my vision was impaired. I had anxiety and at times paranoia. I had an extreme disconnect from my emotions and feelings. I could barely feel pleasure and when I did feel it there was a noticable change in how it felt before that night vs how it felt now.

Second and third months I noticed improvements but nothing like "back to normal". there was a feeling of "ohh, I'm getting close to back to normal" but it would fade after a day or two and I'd feel almost as miserable as before but a little better.


So fast forward to where I am now and the problems I'm experiencing now.

One problem is the anxiety. It's like I don't feel anxious, but when I observe my behaviors it's clear I am anxious. My tone raises quickly, I'm quick to get irritated, etc.
Another similar problem is the depression. It's like I don't feel depressed, but when I observe my behaviors it's clear I am. I don't want to go visit friends, I don't want to do anything, but inside I don't feel depressed or sad. not like I used to feel depression at least (extreme sadness), it's just a blank feeling. I feel blank AF inside.

The most major of my problems is the lack of pleasure. I've quit basically all drugs because there is so little pleasure in them and extremely negative side effects, it's like I feel very very little pleasure from doing them and so all I notice is the negative side effects of doing them. This lack of pleasure is also noticable in my day to day experiences and sobriety, life just doesn't have the same fullness it used to have. I figured after 1 or 2 months this feeling would have returned but 3.5 months later and I still feel like I'm living without joy, pleasure, and happiness. When I orgasm it's totally lackluster and I don't even feel like doing it anymore, I only do it to relieve stress and get a break from the nearly constant anxiety. When I hang out with my loved ones, I don't feel a strong feeling of love for them like I used to.

My motivation is totally shot. I can barely make it to work.
My concentration is totally shot, although better than the first few months.


In general, I just feel totally fucked. 3.5 months seems like long enough for me to feel like myself again.

A lot of the time I worry that somehow I've caused brain damage because I was doing multiple substances and not pure product (coke was probably cut with some BS. molly was probably good. acid was probably some cheap knockoff and not real acid). I have to keep calming myself down because I'm pretty sure its some kind of paranoia or anxiety. Then again, how do I know it's not, after all I did multiple substances and had the hyponatremia + I feel like I'm fully recovered on the one hand, yet not back to myself and feeling like a mere shadow of my former self.

please help. I know it's a long shot that anybody else will have a similar experience but heres to hope.

 

[herbavore]

I think you are still healing physically and that psychologically you will have to have some patience as well as some really specific "thought management"; by that I mean when you get worried about causing permanent damage, just ask yourself if this thought--no matter what the answer will prove to be--is going to help in any way? Worrying compounds problems--it does not help resolve them one iota yet it is so hard not to fall into the trap. (Believe me, I sympathize as I give myself this pep talk every day.)

As far as the depression goes, are you making sure to get a lot of exercise? Eating right and sleeping well? These basics can do wonders. Beyond the basics, what are you doing in your life that feels meaningful to you? If you are having trouble even coming up with motivation it can be hard to push yourself, but doing so could break the logjam in your head and open up a lifeline. Find something that can take the focus off of you and transfer it to another person, a group of people, animals--a place where you can see yourself helping another creature has a way of helping you even more.

 

[lionheart90]

Thanks. It was hard to find information on the anhedonia and what to expect in terms of a timeline for recovery.

That's funny that you mention thought management because just today I started doing a new thought management technique. Whenever my mind gets negative I just say "don't want to hear it" and this is my way of cutting off the negative talk before it gets strong. After doing this all day I realized the thoughts only keep coming because in the past I would listen to them, once you shut the door on them so to speak, another door opens up. Today if my inner voice would get negative and I shut the door on it, it would usually just be quiet or it would find something positive to talk about. Seems like this is a great tool to have!

I don't exercise right now. My eating is pretty poor, I eat healthy sometimes but usually some vending machine junk food at work too. Sleeping well though. As for finding meaning, I'm trying to get my finances in order and buy my first piece of property and build my first house. It's giving me a little something to look forward to but it's such a big goal and very far away (my credit is terrible right now, might be months or next year before I have everything in order).

 

[psyfiend]

Well the stimulant part/ mixing depends on your tolerance, bodyweight, etc. I wouldnt say you overdid it there . I see friends do like a gram mdma & a ball + of coke a night. Bunch of k. Xan like nothing happened... but on acid/hallucinogens could be a different story.

But I understand what you mean not feeling the same after.. or ever again. Try exercise though it helps a lot with depression.

 

[lionheart90]

Thanks Psyfiend. Yeah I probably am very very sensetive to stims and the acid is definitley a wildcard since it might not have been real acid or good acid. It could have been some research chemical with unknown interactions to other drugs. I talked to a friend the other day about doing real acid and based off what i experienced it sounds like I wasnt doing real acid. Even when I first started to do acid I never got tracers, mandalas or geographic pattenrns, nothing ever truly shimmered. It was basically just an enhancement of colors and more in tune with my thoughts and inner world.

 

[osirius]

Meditation, man. Hardest thing to do, biggest payoff. I party a lot (and have for 20+ years) have tripped from LSD to Ayahuasca, but I also meditate at least a few times a week. Best high there is. Will definitely bring back that feeling you once had. If you can start with 5min a day and build from there, it will change everything. Will help manage your thoughts as well. We can't control thoughts coming in, be we can control if we attach to them, or let them go by like clouds in the sky

also exercise and diet.

you can start with short, guided meditations on youtube. or daishonin buddhism is a popular form of meditation/chanting that is completely amazing?many practicing groups around the world. or TM, but that's expensive...

yoga is fantastic as well for mind/body especially when meditation proves too difficult, but meditation is best for mind

 

[herbavore]

Thanks. It was hard to find information on the anhedonia and what to expect in terms of a timeline for recovery.

I think there are so many subjective and individual circumstances that I would be wary of anyone's timeline.

That's funny that you mention thought management because just today I started doing a new thought management technique. Whenever my mind gets negative I just say "don't want to hear it" and this is my way of cutting off the negative talk before it gets strong. After doing this all day I realized the thoughts only keep coming because in the past I would listen to them, once you shut the door on them so to speak, another door opens up. Today if my inner voice would get negative and I shut the door on it, it would usually just be quiet or it would find something positive to talk about. Seems like this is a great tool to have!

That is such a great strategy! And if you want to take it even one step further at some point you can ask, "What do I get out of staying stuck in this particular negative thought?" Usually, for me the answer ends up being: "it's familiar and comfortable and it allows me to avoid the fear of having to change."

I don't exercise right now. My eating is pretty poor, I eat healthy sometimes but usually some vending machine junk food at work too. Sleeping well though. As for finding meaning, I'm trying to get my finances in order and buy my first piece of property and build my first house. It's giving me a little something to look forward to but it's such a big goal and very far away (my credit is terrible right now, might be months or next year before I have everything in order).

Even a year is not that long to wait for such a big endeavor. That is a very fun thing to work towards.

If you have a blender, one really easy way to change your diet is to make smoothies. You can make them delicious and still pack them full of fresh greens and fruits, even nuts and seeds. Some people add protein powder which is good if it is taking the place of a meal--especially breakfast.

 

[lionheart90]

Meditation, man. Hardest thing to do, biggest payoff. I party a lot (and have for 20+ years) have tripped from LSD to Ayahuasca, but I also meditate at least a few times a week. Best high there is. Will definitely bring back that feeling you once had. If you can start with 5min a day and build from there, it will change everything. Will help manage your thoughts as well. We can't control thoughts coming in, be we can control if we attach to them, or let them go by like clouds in the sky

also exercise and diet.

you can start with short, guided meditations on youtube. or daishonin buddhism is a popular form of meditation/chanting that is completely amazing?many practicing groups around the world. or TM, but that's expensive...

yoga is fantastic as well for mind/body especially when meditation proves too difficult, but meditation is best for mind

what do you do for meditation, breathing techniques?

daishonin is like nam yo rengh kyo right?

 

[ShroomySatori]

No point speculating on any damage done, might have been those other drugs made it easier for Mdma induced toxicity to occur. Or an accumulative thing with a trigger. Or not even drug related. It doesn't matter what it was, since there is no way to tell how long it will take you to feel different. 3.5 months isn't that long at all. I've been off opiates that long and still have anhedonia, and even physical withdrawal symptoms some days. The body can take its sweet time but there is nothing wrong with practicing patience and hope. The more active you are with nutrients the faster it will be. I'd say more like a year and there is a lot you can do. I'd def pick up yin yoga as a habit since it is an energizing way to meditate and healthy too very relaxing. And drink lots of water,. pay attention to posture these little things will help speed up the recovery process. In general nothing crazy just being good to yourself and not letting the stress get to your head or overworking yourself since only so much can be done. Brains have been far worse fried, don't worry soon enough you'll be good. bet it sucks but hang in there and things will be good. I tripped daily for 2 months late last year but I haven't noticed much other than my perception of life being altered, on 2cc not cid. I think acid once or twice.

I used Mdma for the first time in a year, a pretty high dose like .3 of really really good stuff. That was over a month ago and I still feel more socially anxious than usually and I'm more emotionally unstable too. I can't say, but past experiences indicate that it probably messed my head up. I's hard to say because I'm 3 months clean and my head is messed up anyway. But, if I notice my memories before and after there was a difference. This "spark" you speak of has been injured. It will definitely repair itself I've blown my head out with way more Mdma in the past and got better. Exercise will really help your body make you feel good and a meditation practice like yin yoga or some discipline like that would help train your mind to focus and concentrate well again. I'm having major issues with memory and concentration, and also sleep, my initiative is pretty dead and I've generally been a very active person in life.

Hope you feel better soon I'd def force yourself to do things that will be uncomfortable like even reading 50 pages of a book if it's hard to concentrate. Then your mind will adapt. Sitting around thinking about it is not good I'd get out and be active. I drink a lot of tea, don't plan on stopping that happen. I healthy lil stimulant like that might help with energy and focus. It's really just little things like that, relaxation techniques.. it doesn't have to be a 'technique' like smelling rose oil or reading by candlelight. Whatever is chill for you. Along with patience and no recreational drug use except maybe a little weed depending on the person. I would never take in particular Mdma ever again.

 

[lionheart90]

No point speculating on any damage done, might have been those other drugs made it easier for Mdma induced toxicity to occur. Or an accumulative thing with a trigger. Or not even drug related. It doesn't matter what it was, since there is no way to tell how long it will take you to feel different. 3.5 months isn't that long at all. I've been off opiates that long and still have anhedonia, and even physical withdrawal symptoms some days. The body can take its sweet time but there is nothing wrong with practicing patience and hope. The more active you are with nutrients the faster it will be. I'd say more like a year and there is a lot you can do. I'd def pick up yin yoga as a habit since it is an energizing way to meditate and healthy too very relaxing. And drink lots of water,. pay attention to posture these little things will help speed up the recovery process. In general nothing crazy just being good to yourself and not letting the stress get to your head or overworking yourself since only so much can be done. Brains have been far worse fried, don't worry soon enough you'll be good. bet it sucks but hang in there and things will be good. I tripped daily for 2 months late last year but I haven't noticed much other than my perception of life being altered, on 2cc not cid. I think acid once or twice.

I used Mdma for the first time in a year, a pretty high dose like .3 of really really good stuff. That was over a month ago and I still feel more socially anxious than usually and I'm more emotionally unstable too. I can't say, but past experiences indicate that it probably messed my head up. I's hard to say because I'm 3 months clean and my head is messed up anyway. But, if I notice my memories before and after there was a difference. This "spark" you speak of has been injured. It will definitely repair itself I've blown my head out with way more Mdma in the past and got better. Exercise will really help your body make you feel good and a meditation practice like yin yoga or some discipline like that would help train your mind to focus and concentrate well again. I'm having major issues with memory and concentration, and also sleep, my initiative is pretty dead and I've generally been a very active person in life.

Hope you feel better soon I'd def force yourself to do things that will be uncomfortable like even reading 50 pages of a book if it's hard to concentrate. Then your mind will adapt. Sitting around thinking about it is not good I'd get out and be active. I drink a lot of tea, don't plan on stopping that happen. I healthy lil stimulant like that might help with energy and focus. It's really just little things like that, relaxation techniques.. it doesn't have to be a 'technique' like smelling rose oil or reading by candlelight. Whatever is chill for you. Along with patience and no recreational drug use except maybe a little weed depending on the person. I would never take in particular Mdma ever again.

Thanks for recommending yin yoga and postures. I've noticed that postures can be very helpful since I unconsciously hold tension in my stomach and this interferes with my breathing. After this catastrophy I've learned to let it go because I need all the relaxation I can get. I can't afford to suck my gut in and look good, I need to relax not look pretty lol.

I started to exercise a little yesterday and meditate and today I felt amazing. Not nearly back to normal or anything but I felt my body was trying to click click click (BOOM lol) itself back on. I've had that strange feeling for a while now, like my body is a car and the engine keeps turning over but not starting. It's a good omen for sure, and it's very encouraging. Today I also ate pretty well. Fruits, vegetables, and some chicken/rice (chinese food for lunch). Now I just need to do this everyday haha. easier said than done.

As for drugs, I've given them all up except drinking and chewing tobacco. Also I vape a little. The only one that is being difficult is the alcohol since I quit smoking weed 3 weeks ago and that used to be my go to stress relief so now I'm reaching for the drink more often than I'd like.

As for executive function, I've noticed there is still some noticable impairment but not as bad as the first month. My ability to read and concentrate for decent amounts of time is getting much better. I can play video games for 4 hours without getting a headache. For the first 3 months I didn't touch a video game for longer than 10 minutes. Just had no desire nor ability to play.

My memory seems to be getting pretty fair but nothing amazing like before. Also my ability to remember things seems a lot shorter. Like my span of attention is the immediate 10 seconds, whereas before I used to remember the past 2 minutes with ease. Like if I have a good idea and dont write it down immediately, all it takes is one new thought to come in and I'll forget it, and I won't be able to get it back by simply saying "what was I just thinking about". I usually have to just let it go and hope I think about it again. haha.

yeah I'm done with MDMA for life too. I'm gonna continue to explore responsibly with mushrooms, DMT, mescaline, and maybe a few other things here and there. but by in large I'm not interested in drugs anymore, just expanding my consciousness which is usually better done sober. Or like once a year with the help of drugs, maybe 2-3-4 under special circumstances.