When is enough, enough???

[junkienogooder]

If there's anyone reading this who is toying with the idea of trying heroin...DON'T DO IT!!! Run like hell & pray! It will destroy you, your life, and take away EVERYTHING that you love & that matters to you most. I got the idea to try it 2 years ago following my divorce & an extended bout with severe depression. Needless to say, I was determined to get a taste of that high and even contemplated a good hot dose, you know rock star style, before even trying it. I had just turned 40 & had managed to live a very successful & fulfilling life to that point. I am now 42 and admit with tremendous shame that I've lost everything that I had worked so hard to obtain. My long-standing 750+ credit score is now in the upper 400' s, car was repossessed a few months ago, my boyfriend & I were forced to move in with his parents, the collection calls never stop, & worst of all, I rarely see my children anymore. Up until this past year, I could proudly say that I had never been fired from a job...I've been fired 4 times this past year alone & all within 2 weeks of being hired, talk about a massive blow to the self-esteem! To add insult to injury, I've died 7 times, my arms are scarred for life, & I have Hep C. My eyes are tearing up and I can barely swallow as I describe the sad reality of my pathetic existence & realize the extent of damage I've single-handedly done...my life is essentially ruined. But truly the saddest, scariest, and truest thing about it all is that I'm not done yet & I'm not sure if or when I ever will be. I can't accept where I am or who I've become, getting back to where I was in life seems an impossibility, so I continue to use in order to cope & face another painful day. Most would've had enough by now, but I can't seem to get enough. It is said that the bottom reached to make someone cry "enough" is different for everyone. Well mine is absolutely ridiculous. When will I finally have enough???
I can't imagine a bottom any lower than where I am now...quite frightening to think about.

 

[Mafioso]

There is no real rock bottom. Things can always get worse until you decide to make a change and take the steps to follow through. Enough is enough when you decide you don't want to live as a slave to a substance and you decide to take control of your life again.

The first steps are definitely the hardest. It's easy to give up and give into the addiction. It's much easier to beat yourself up with the "once an addict always an addict" sort of mentality than it is to accept responsibility for your mistakes and work towards making a better life. Self-love and self-acceptance takes daily work and constant practice, for me it is not something that comes naturally.

You still have a place to live, and more importantly you still have your life. Not everyone comes back from an OD.. I would count that as a blessing rather than a curse. You could be wandering the streets hungry and crazy, or worse you could be 6ft under. Things can always get worse, but things can also get better. We don't have control over many circumstances and aspects of our life, but we do get to choose how we feel about things and how we respond to life.

 

[herbavore]

I think that concept of "hitting bottom" can be as damaging as it can also be helpful. For some people, the "bottom" is death and that is not a bottom anyone should have to hit.

It also creates something you illustrated in the question you asked yourself ("When will I finally have enough?"). I don't think that is a useful question because your rational mind had enough a long time ago--it's the addicted mind that answers that with "never!" So in a way, it is further dividing you from your own power, your own self control. It is really, really difficult to have to rely on willpower when your life is in a shambles such as you have described. Everything goes from bad to worse and in a way it makes sense to just seek comfort wherever you can. But it is unsustainable and your rational mind knows that. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to concentrate on addressing what led to your unhappiness, what you can do to regain the faith that you have lost in your own ability to heal.

Addiction uses fatalism and an ever deepening sense of shame to exercise its power over your psyche. They are very effective tools but you can untangle them over time. Do you have any access at all to therapy? If so I would recommend finding a therapist that can help you with both self-acceptance and developing strategies for managing your emotions. Many people in addiction are extremely sensitive people for whom the emotional side of life is overwhelming.

 

[Tubbs]

i was in a similar situation i actually went to my old coke dealer looking for heroin... instead i found meth... i got high to forget my past to lose any notion that there was hope... but i found hope in that dope induced fog... and then i lost her too so yeah there is no bottom just 9 circles

 

[junkienogooder]

Thank you for the words of encouragement. Maybe it's so hard for me because I've never been so down & out, always focused & determined on survival. Being the product of two chronic alcoholic drug addicts, so I was thrown in to the self-reliant survival mode way too young. It's what I credit most of my success & accomishments to; on the other hand, I can also say the same for most of my character flaws. I'm tired and have essentially given up, I just don't think I have the fight in me anymore to get back to where I was when the
Positives & negatives balanced each other out.

 

[Tubbs]

all i can say is be the best you that you can be man. like for me at this point in my life just surviving is really all i can do. you have to look at yourself and decide what you can do

 

[junkienogooder]

I tried to get help & they put me on suboxone(which I was on for 5 years and fault with the beginning of my demise... Divorce,
DUI, & severe depression. followed the benzo zombie state that I was in order to avoid the terrible withdrawals. Needless to say, I sold the Subs to buy dope & they kicked me out for pissing dirty too many times.

 

[Tubbs]

i can kind of relate man. deadbeat parents. mental health issues and i fell into drugs very early. was living in my car at 16. got myself back together. met the love of my life, let meth take over my mind went off the deep end and lost the only person ive ever really loved or trusted. if you need to talk about anything man pm me.

 

[junkienogooder]

My life story friend...the struggle isn't new to me, It's the consequences that I've somehow managed to avoid until now, possibly because I had never met a drug that I couldn't get enough of until shooting dope. I can remember thinking I had found heaven in my veins. I'm sick, I know.

 

[Mafioso]

Thank you for the words of encouragement. Maybe it's so hard for me because I've never been so down & out, always focused & determined on survival. Being the product of two chronic alcoholic drug addicts, so I was thrown in to the self-reliant survival mode way too young. It's what I credit most of my success & accomishments to; on the other hand, I can also say the same for most of my character flaws. I'm tired and have essentially given up, I just don't think I have the fight in me anymore to get back to where I was when the
Positives & negatives balanced each other out.

I feel like this a lot. I grew up in an abusive home with an alcoholic drug addicted father. I always prided myself on being self-reliant, starting working when I was 14 and moved out literally the day I turned 18. I remember my father talking shit to me telling me I would never make it. I used this as motivation and it served me quite well for a number of years, but the problem was that I wasn't meeting my emotional needs and started developing what turned into a very serious drug habit.

I find it easy to take care of my physical needs but when it comes to emotional needs I'm often somewhat perplexed. I am of the "deal with it" type of mindset. When ever I have a problem or complaint I tend to fault myself and assume that it is because of a weakness or lack of strength. The truth is everyone needs a break and everyone has emotional needs. Superficial goals will only take us so far. We all need love and loving relationships are some of the most rewarding and inspiring things in life.

What types of things inspire you and give you drive? What makes you feel like giving up?

 

[Tubbs]

i feel ya man. took me along time to conquer that needle. literally have ptsd with needles nowadays thats how bad i demonized them in my head

 

[junkienogooder]

My children inspire me & losing them was like being stripped of my sole purpose in life. The grief, heartache, loneliness, hopelessness that followed, along with the shame & disappointment that accompanied my wreckless abandon, are why I've given up.

 

[Mafioso]

I don't have kids, but I can imagine how difficult and painful that would be. I am sure that would be absolutely devastating... Even still, I would encourage you not to give up and to think about your kids as well... Even if you don't have custody I really doubt they would want a parent that has given up. I'm sure it isn't easy for a kid to watch a parent struggle with a substance use disorder. Addiction is an insidious disease and effects not only every aspect of the individual's life, but most everyone else in the individual's life as well.

Things may never be like how they were before the disease took over, but they can improve from where they stand. Even if you can't be fully involved in your children's life, you can still have a positive relationship with them as they get older if you take care of yourself.

 

[StevePointless]

yup

 

[amnesiaseizure]

I think that concept of "hitting bottom" can be as damaging as it can also be helpful. For some people, the "bottom" is death and that is not a bottom anyone should have to hit.

It also creates something you illustrated in the question you asked yourself ("When will I finally have enough?"). I don't think that is a useful question because your rational mind had enough a long time ago--it's the addicted mind that answers that with "never!" So in a way, it is further dividing you from your own power, your own self control. It is really, really difficult to have to rely on willpower when your life is in a shambles such as you have described. Everything goes from bad to worse and in a way it makes sense to just seek comfort wherever you can. But it is unsustainable and your rational mind knows that. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to concentrate on addressing what led to your unhappiness, what you can do to regain the faith that you have lost in your own ability to heal.

Addiction uses fatalism and an ever deepening sense of shame to exercise its power over your psyche. They are very effective tools but you can untangle them over time. Do you have any access at all to therapy? If so I would recommend finding a therapist that can help you with both self-acceptance and developing strategies for managing your emotions. Many people in addiction are extremely sensitive people for whom the emotional side of life is overwhelming.

Very much this ^ Rock bottom is close to useless and is basically describing death. You're not where you want to be and that is enough to begin the climb out of the hole you're in. Good luck, you're gonna need it.

 

[swilow]

My children inspire me & losing them was like being stripped of my sole purpose in life. The grief, heartache, loneliness, hopelessness that followed, along with the shame & disappointment that accompanied my wreckless abandon, are why I've given up.

You've only "lost" your children for now. I don't advise loading heaps of pressure on yourself, but if you can manage to get your addiction under control there may be a future where you are with them again. I know you've tried Suboxone in the past- why not have another shot? The dependancy continues but you can catch some breathing space to fix the parts of your life that the addiction has uprooted. I'm taking buprenorphine and its been a godsend. I don't have constant cravings for opiates and have managed to fix a few gaping holes in my life. It hasn't changed everything but its allowed me some room to settle and live a partially normal life.

The whole rock bottom thing isn't useful- but its tempting. I've identified my rock bottom multiple times now It helps because we can then beleive that things are going to improve, as if they cannot get worse but as Mafioso said, that isn't true- things can always get worse and will if you rescind control over your behaviour with that sort of fatalistic idea. You inherently justify inaction by believing that shit can't get worse and often it does. The only thing that really works is trying to take control over what aspects of your addiction you can, and this may entail maintenance therapy, counselling or rehab even. If we believe we are helpless and don't make an effort by imagining that some arbitrary measure of "horribleness" has been reached, things will get worse.

I wish you well and hope you can see a bright light for you.

 

[herbavore]

My husbands mom was first addicted to valium and got off them by becoming addicted to alcohol. She struggled hard with addiction, had her kids taken away, and yet never stopped fighting for them or letting them know how much she loved them. My husband grew up with lots of scars but also knowing he was loved and with an incredible empathy for addiction. The most important thing that you can do for yourself and for the continuing relationship with your children is to address your addiction while steadfastly refusing to take on shame. Shame is the single most destructive aspect of addiction and even outside of addiction it severs people from themselves in catastrophic ways. You can feel remorse for your actions and choices--this nurtures your own strengths and moral compass. But shame is when you define yourself as "bad", "weak", "inadequate" etc because of those very human missteps you took. There is always pain at the root of addiction and there is not one person on earth who handles themselves optimally when in overwhelming pain. Stand up for yourself and you will thrive. But shame will cut you down again and again.

Write to your children. Ask them about their lives. Tell them how much you love them and how hard you are working to get better. Ask them to send pictures they draw. When kids are very little they don't need a ton of information but they need to feel like they matter and are not forgotten.