Newbie....... Legitimately looking HELP!!!!

[Rare Cargo]

My name is Shannon Gentry a forty-three years old and live in the Chattahoochee National Forest North of Atlanta. I have three children with my ex husband of 14 years. My girls Ella 23 and Pearl 19. My son Ray is 17 and falls on the autism spectrum very high functioning NO MEDS!!!
Currently the effects of addiction, depression, complicated grief, PTSD, anxiety an undiagnosed stomach/autoimmune disorder and pernicious anemia. Have left me a shell of my former self.
I was "rebellious" adolescent. Being prescribed my first anti depressants at 14. I have been on and off different psychotropic meds since. Except for the 7 years I was either pregnant or nursing. Which were the best years of my life. Psychotropic medication was normal in my household. Momma was bipolar but extremely high functioning. As a matter of fact, I believe she "managed" her illness with work through her 40's. I was rebellious and my Mom was mentally ill. My Daddy was the glue..... We loved one another and had an little awesome family!
In 2000 two months before her 50th birthday. Momma had a severe heart attack which required quadruple bypass. Within 2 months. She was working again. Several years after trying to return to her normal routine. She was forced into disability. Too young to officially retire. Things went down from there. Visits to our local mental health facility for med changes became more common. At one point she was taking as many as 32 different meds a day. Depressions got worse and manias more pronounced.
During this time. My ex and I developed an addiction to prescription pain medication. I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis and required a partial hysterectomy at 27 years old. My ex (who'd always enjoyed a good opiate buzz) amputated 2 fingers. Legitimizing the need for pain medicine? The end result was far from legitimate!
In September of 2006. I underwent an anesthesia assisted detox. At Florida Detox in Tarpon Springs. I required a caretaker for the procedure and the drive from Ga to Fl and home. Momma could always "rally" when someone else was in crisis. My then husband stayed home to care for our children. Mom was my caretaker. During my intake. Mom/caretakers were in a seminar? Explaining any take home medications and after care instructions.
A nurse came in the morning after my detox. Asking me to something under my tongue. I honestly thought it was something for my stomach. When I came home, I had no idea, what it was actually for? It taste so bad!! I would put it under my tongue with apple juice in my mouth. Basically making it ineffective for the first few weeks. I took it for another 3 months. I actually cheered the last day I took "that gross tasting stuff"!?!
The next afternoon I had unexpected withdrawals.I should've investigated better. With the help of my psychologist. I talked my Mom into supporting me seeing a Dr who prescribed me 2 milligrams a day. What's 2 mgs of something?!?!
Spring 2007 I'm doing great! Working my first job. Since the birth of my second child. Advancing quickly. Momma also seemed to be doing well. Almost TOO well. We hoped a recent change in Mom's medication was helping her "stabilize". A month or so later we knew better. She was in a severe mania.......... I've always believed that most mental illness unless completely untreated. Typically will only allow you to go as far as your personality dictates. She became impulsive, spent insane amounts of money, threw herself into old and new hobbies. Obsessing on everything she did. One day a 1968 Cadillac convertible pulled into the driveway. And out pops Mom.. By September she was agitated and aggravated. Momma and I spoke at least 3 times a day by then. Our relationship had improved so much. Realizing she was and had always been my best friend.
Tuesday October 9th started like any other. Momma had recently been discharged from the hospital for another med change. I'd taken several days off during that week. Going in early needing to catch up and anticipating a busy day? I didn't call for our normal morning call chat. We were busy and I worked through my lunch.
I got off at 2 and immediately started trying to reach her. And called my Dad concerned something was wrong. He explained she'd gotten fall flowers the day before and "she was probably outside planting". I'd seen her the night before and she seemed better, than she had in several weeks. I had an hour to waste before I picked up my kids. Window shopping for about 15 minutes. Trying to reach her at least 6 times. This horrible feeling came over me..... At that point I knew something was wrong. I hurried, picking 3 kids up from 3 different schools in record time.
Everyday on our way home we passed her house. Typically visiting several times a week. Something told me to tell the kids to stay in the car "I just needed to run in and grab something" Oddly there were no complaints. They knew something was wrong too. Although I'd tried my best to hide it.
When I opened the front door. She was lying on the floor. I slammed the door and everything went into slow motion. I thought she was joking/messing with me? When she heard the door slam. She'd jump up. Knowing I didn't think it was "funny". I know....morbid. Momma had a bit of a sick sense of humor. Of course, when I opened the door she was still there. I could see multiple large medication bottles on the counter behind her and a bottle of Xanax in her hand. The rest of the day is a blur..... I grieve her daily and feel completely empty. I feel disconnected.... I don't have health insurance. So I have had no form of counseling. I attended SOS (survivors of suicide) meetings for a couple of years. The meeting I attended dissolved and the closest meeting is a two hour drive away. Leaving me making it home after midnight.
Three months after losing Mom. On New Years Day my Dads Mom. My Mimi.. I loved dearly was diagnosed with terminal colon cancer. I was still numb. Daddy and I took care of her. Watching a life "well lived" deteriorate in front of us. Mimi passed away exactly 11 months after Momma. I lost the 2 most influential women in my life. Actually the only 2 influential women in my life within 11 months of each other. In such diametrically different ways. My Mimi wishing she could stay and take care of us during a time we needed her the most. Momma never being able to see that she could and would be happy again. I've got a lot of resentment towards Momma. Losing her. Made it impossible to feel a bit of grief for my Grandmother.
In 2011 I left and divorced the father of my children. Our relationship was "on the rocks" before losing Momma. Just another thing to grieve. Definitely better off..... He's a good Daddy (present and interactive). Terrible provider..... Never working consistently. Making me and my parents responsible for any and all financial commitments. He took advantage of me and my inheritance. At the time I was in so much grief? I didn't care?!?!?
In 2013 I remarried a wonderful man from my past. Initially my mind was able to compartmentalize. I felt somewhat normal again. Didn't last.....
I know trauma doesn't just "go away". Initially thinking most of my issues were a symptoms of adrenal exhaustion from the death of my Mom?
My body is failing me.... My memory is gone. I'm not talking forgetfulness. I can't remember anything... Losing words I've known forever is driving me CRAZY! I can't participate in chats. Leaving out key words out.... And feeling like an idiot. I know the loss of sequential thought is one sign of an addicted brain. Conjugating a proper sentence is an issue.
As I mentioned earlier my youngest child Ray falls on the autism spectrum. Officially diagnosed as PDD-NOS. Referring to them as differences not disabilities. He's smart funny handsome..... More importantly kind and loving. As he gets ready to transition into a new phase. I need to be myself again for him.
Battling addiction, grief, physical ailments (I can't afford to diagnose and attribute to the meds) major depression, PTSD and the anxiety that comes along with it! I'm currently prescribed 60mgs of Cymbalta, 10mgs Adderall XR, 2mgs Klonopin, .5mgs estradiol and 12mgs of Subutex.
Recently I started researching brain restoration/regeneration. Finding nad/br+ infusions and neurotransmitter repair. Hope is the only word. The reality of fully feeling is scary. But welcomed.
ANY input.... Any ADVICE!!! Any HELP!!! Just to be pointed in the right


◦

 

[Mr Dan Hardy]

Welcome to the forums Rare cargo,

I`m new and 43 too !!!!!

 

[Rita Prell]

I can offer some general help, Shannon, but there are many issues @play per your msg

My name is Shannon Gentry a forty-three years old and live in the Chattahoochee National Forest North of Atlanta. I have three children with my ex husband of 14 years. My girls Ella 23 and Pearl 19. My son Ray is 17 and falls on the autism spectrum very high functioning NO MEDS!!! Currently the effects of addiction, depression, complicated grief, PTSD, anxiety an undiagnosed stomach/autoimmune disorder and pernicious anemia. Have left me a shell of my former self.I was "rebellious" adolescent. Being prescribed my first anti depressants at 14. I have been on and off different psychotropic meds since. Except for the 7 years I was either pregnant or nursing. Which were the best years of my life. Psychotropic medication was normal in my household. Momma was bipolar but extremely high functioning. As a matter of fact, I believe she "managed" her illness with work through her 40's. I was rebellious and my Mom was mentally ill. My Daddy was the glue..... We loved one another and had an little awesome family!In 2000 two months before her 50th birthday. Momma had a severe heart attack which required quadruple bypass. Within 2 months. She was working again. Several years after trying to return to her normal routine. She was forced into disability. Too young to officially retire. Things went down from there. Visits to our local mental health facility for med changes became more common. At one point she was taking as many as 32 different meds a day. Depressions got worse and manias more pronounced. During this time. My ex and I developed an addiction to prescription pain medication. I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis and required a partial hysterectomy at 27 years old. My ex (who'd always enjoyed a good opiate buzz) amputated 2 fingers. Legitimizing the need for pain medicine? The end result was far from legitimate! In September of 2006. I underwent an anesthesia assisted detox. At Florida Detox in Tarpon Springs. I required a caretaker for the procedure and the drive from Ga to Fl and home. Momma could always "rally" when someone else was in crisis. My then husband stayed home to care for our children. Mom was my caretaker. During my intake. Mom/caretakers were in a seminar? Explaining any take home medications and after care instructions. A nurse came in the morning after my detox. Asking me to something under my tongue. I honestly thought it was something for my stomach. When I came home, I had no idea, what it was actually for? It taste so bad!! I would put it under my tongue with apple juice in my mouth. Basically making it ineffective for the first few weeks. I took it for another 3 months. I actually cheered the last day I took "that gross tasting stuff"!?! The next afternoon I had unexpected withdrawals.I should've investigated better. With the help of my psychologist. I talked my Mom into supporting me seeing a Dr who prescribed me 2 milligrams a day. What's 2 mgs of something?!?!Spring 2007 I'm doing great! Working my first job. Since the birth of my second child. Advancing quickly. Momma also seemed to be doing well. Almost TOO well. We hoped a recent change in Mom's medication was helping her "stabilize". A month or so later we knew better. She was in a severe mania.......... I've always believed that most mental illness unless completely untreated. Typically will only allow you to go as far as your personality dictates. She became impulsive, spent insane amounts of money, threw herself into old and new hobbies. Obsessing on everything she did. One day a 1968 Cadillac convertible pulled into the driveway. And out pops Mom.. By September she was agitated and aggravated. Momma and I spoke at least 3 times a day by then. Our relationship had improved so much. Realizing she was and had always been my best friend.Tuesday October 9th started like any other. Momma had recently been discharged from the hospital for another med change. I'd taken several days off during that week. Going in early needing to catch up and anticipating a busy day? I didn't call for our normal morning call chat. We were busy and I worked through my lunch. I got off at 2 and immediately started trying to reach her. And called my Dad concerned something was wrong. He explained she'd gotten fall flowers the day before and "she was probably outside planting". I'd seen her the night before and she seemed better, than she had in several weeks. I had an hour to waste before I picked up my kids. Window shopping for about 15 minutes. Trying to reach her at least 6 times. This horrible feeling came over me..... At that point I knew something was wrong. I hurried, picking 3 kids up from 3 different schools in record time. Everyday on our way home we passed her house. Typically visiting several times a week. Something told me to tell the kids to stay in the car "I just needed to run in and grab something" Oddly there were no complaints. They knew something was wrong too. Although I'd tried my best to hide it. When I opened the front door. She was lying on the floor. I slammed the door and everything went into slow motion. I thought she was joking/messing with me? When she heard the door slam. She'd jump up. Knowing I didn't think it was "funny". I know....morbid. Momma had a bit of a sick sense of humor. Of course, when I opened the door she was still there. I could see multiple large medication bottles on the counter behind her and a bottle of Xanax in her hand. The rest of the day is a blur..... I grieve her daily and feel completely empty. I feel disconnected.... I don't have health insurance. So I have had no form of counseling. I attended SOS (survivors of suicide) meetings for a couple of years. The meeting I attended dissolved and the closest meeting is a two hour drive away. Leaving me making it home after midnight.Three months after losing Mom. On New Years Day my Dads Mom. My Mimi.. I loved dearly was diagnosed with terminal colon cancer. I was still numb. Daddy and I took care of her. Watching a life "well lived" deteriorate in front of us. Mimi passed away exactly 11 months after Momma. I lost the 2 most influential women in my life. Actually the only 2 influential women in my life within 11 months of each other. In such diametrically different ways. My Mimi wishing she could stay and take care of us during a time we needed her the most. Momma never being able to see that she could and would be happy again. I've got a lot of resentment towards Momma. Losing her. Made it impossible to feel a bit of grief for my Grandmother. In 2011 I left and divorced the father of my children. Our relationship was "on the rocks" before losing Momma. Just another thing to grieve. Definitely better off..... He's a good Daddy (present and interactive). Terrible provider..... Never working consistently. Making me and my parents responsible for any and all financial commitments. He took advantage of me and my inheritance. At the time I was in so much grief? I didn't care?!?!? In 2013 I remarried a wonderful man from my past. Initially my mind was able to compartmentalize. I felt somewhat normal again. Didn't last..... I know trauma doesn't just "go away". Initially thinking most of my issues were a symptoms of adrenal exhaustion from the death of my Mom? My body is failing me.... My memory is gone. I'm not talking forgetfulness. I can't remember anything... Losing words I've known forever is driving me CRAZY! I can't participate in chats. Leaving out key words out.... And feeling like an idiot. I know the loss of sequential thought is one sign of an addicted brain. Conjugating a proper sentence is an issue. As I mentioned earlier my youngest child Ray falls on the autism spectrum. Officially diagnosed as PDD-NOS. Referring to them as differences not disabilities. He's smart funny handsome..... More importantly kind and loving. As he gets ready to transition into a new phase. I need to be myself again for him. Battling addiction, grief, physical ailments (I can't afford to diagnose and attribute to the meds) major depression, PTSD and the anxiety that comes along with it! I'm currently prescribed 60mgs of Cymbalta, 10mgs Adderall XR, 2mgs Klonopin, .5mgs estradiol and 12mgs of Subutex. Recently I started researching brain restoration/regeneration. Finding nad/br+ infusions and neurotransmitter repair. Hope is the only word. The reality of fully feeling is scary. But welcomed. ANY input.... Any ADVICE!!! Any HELP!!! Just to be pointed in the right  ◦

Don't know why, but paragraphing the below didn't "take," though I've been able to make paragraph breaks, previously. Sorry for the unending "block" of text...Dear Shannon,I hear the pain, throughout your post.It's a challenge for anyone to be and remain happy, which is naturally supported by qualities like a feeling of inner strength and a modicum of confidence.The Dalai Lama said, "Calm mind brings inner strength and self-confidence, so that's very important for good health."Of course, no matter where you live - even in a lovely forest (unless you were completely unplugged, there) - in our modern world, that tranquility of mind can be quite elusive.You describe more issues than can be readily addressed, but, as far as the prescription drugs you are taking and the sought-after brain regeneration, do take heart; recent research shows a remarkable degree of plasticity of the human brain, even into advanced age. We are able to change just about anything in our lives and our likely futures, if we change our brains.Gloria Steinem said that "Dreaming is...a kind of planning."I would encourage you, my dear, to find a smidge of time to dream about the future that you would like to have, for yourself, for your family, for all your loved ones, during the remainder of your time, here on this Earth.Think about what you most desire, more than anything else, in the world, even committing - when you can - some of those thoughts to paper...and mull them over, asking yourself whether they excite you, would cause you to go the distance to achieve them, and are worth whatever it might take to accomplish.Let yourself think, Shannon, about what you would do, if you had no possibility of failing, at it...so that, if money were the obstacle, just assume your had billions, if time were the issue, assume that you had all the time, in the world, if education, training, infrastructure, connections, or experience were the challenge, assume that this was in the bag, and if doing it all, against the backdrop of other responsibilities were the looming problem, assume that this were worked out in the most beatific way possible.If you can draw such a picture clearly into your mind and heart, let your deep subconscious chew and work on this, too. Really go deep into thoughtfulness on this. Meditate or pray about it.I might suggest the modern equivalent of a sermon to you - The TedTalk. There are some on motivation that may really inspire you. You can hardly go wrong, here. Dozens and dozens of them are quite excellent and may help your deep thinking on your goal(s) and future.There are grief and grieving support groups that might help you deal with your feelings of loss, as well. Having lost both of my parents, I know that coming to acceptance and peace regarding the passing of loved ones can take some time and offer help for your future growth.About drugs - I'm against most that people generally take, at least on a habitual basis, other than the kind I appreciate (maybe that's self-centric of me, but this is just my opinion), and certainly any prescribed for psychiatric reasons for children, save in the most severe cases (for ex., a drug I do appreciate, though I've not taken it in around 20 years is THC/marijuana, but, I know someone with a child with Gervai (sp?) Syndrome; THC or CBD (not sure which or both) are very effective against the seizures this disease causes, while I know that there are instances when SSRI/SNDR/SDRI's may be the best course, even for a child, but I believe that such prescriptions should be so rare as to be only a handful, per year, in the U.S., vs. the millions currently being doled out), are probably less effective than placebo, particularly after the "honeymoon" period that they often offer is over; this is as true for adults as it is for children. Some of the drugs I like - like psilocin, for ex. - have been shown to be of help for some people, with depression and PTSD, however, outside of a research study, you're not going to find any therapist using this modality, save but a few underground, so, I'd suggest not looking for your "regeneration" in this way, just yet; better that you should be in the proper place and time, with the proper mindset, for these indiscriminate intensifying-type drugs/experiences.The psychiatric drugs are, in my opinion, a trap and a con, and an outgrowth of our short-sighted, pill-prescribing, male-oriented, quick-fix, mechanic-type, non-holistic-approach medical system, however, you mention Klonopin, which, were you to withdraw from, completely and suddenly, given other-drug interaction, the withdrawal of other drugs, concomitantly, and your level of physical dependence on it, could kill you.Do not attempt cessation of Klonopin without medical supervision, please. Regarding the other drugs, I've not researched all aspects and indications for cessation. Proceed with caution. I would submit that, in the long run, they aren't going to help you get what you want or live the life you want to live.Here are some other general ideas, for you, and here, again, you can get some specific help via TedTalks. Top of the list is sleep. Do a little research. Most people approach their sleep casually. It's a serious matter and affects your waking life profoundly. I won't iterate all the particulars, but, Google it and take steps to make it optimal. Right your diet. Again, try the TedTalks. There's so much blather on this subject that I advise you not Google it. Fasting is helpful, but, can make your emotions go wonky, so, approach with caution, making modifications gradually and as you can brook, personally.TTurn off the TV. It's a mind killer (a line from "Dune" comes to mind...). No joke. Really happy people don't tend to watch TV, much, if at all.Dial down the social media (this site included - sorry, Bluelight). Pray or meditate. Once again, for the mindfulness or meditative approach, check TedTalks or the section of Bluelight so devoted. Make this practice a habit. This, alone, can transform your life, your brain, and your trajectory. Focus on your relationships. This can be part of your prayer or meditation, but, will bleed into your non-alone time. Think about others. Psychologist Karl Menninger said that generous people are rarely mentally ill. Think peace and love towards all your encounter. Find your gratitude. I have heard it said from Twelve Step programs that a grateful addict (I'm not saying you are addicted, but, don't we all have such tendencies?) is not a using addict. Thank God, however you conceive of The Almighty. Find a group, church (if you're a Christian), or other religiously-affiliated group. The Twelve Step programs are all the spirituality that some people need or want, though I've known atheists and agnostics who are comfortable, therein. If you're a Christian, find a church where people are friendly and the feel is right, though I realize that a forest dwelling might mean a bit of a commute to a worship service or gathering. If you have other religious affiliation, seek out that community of faith. This is just a start, of course, but, any one of these ideas, taken to it's limit, could lead you to the end result of all the others, so take anything that works and forget the rest.I hope a new peace and happiness awaits you.I am a believer in great possibilities. While, for me, that comes from a belief, too, in the transformative power of Jesus Christ, people find satisfaction in many different ways, so, consider praying to Jesus for relief and strength for the coming task, if that seems to make sense, either from your current faith tradition, curiosity, or even on a lark, or, choose another way, but know that you are loved or you wouldn't have made it this far.Please be quite careful and consult a medical doctor should you make a change in any of your medications, but, specifically regarding the Klonopin.Rita Prell