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I think maybe I've finally had enough.

JessFR

JessFR

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It's not been a good year for me. In the beginning of the year my relationship of 6 years finally fell apart. A lot of it was cause of my drug use. I stole from him, pawned and lost all my shit, then all his shit. I hurt him badly. But he wasn't innocent. I covered up for him and let everyone, even my own mother, believe he was 100% innocent and me entirely at fault. Now I'm finally willing to admit it's bullshit. I'll start by saying I loved him, in fact I still love him more than I've ever loved anyone. I'm just willing to finally admit that while I love him his behaviors not ok either. He was physically abusive to me and hit me for years, he was emotionally abusive, he really was treat me like shit sometimes. But there were many good times too. I feel like I can really relate to those women who feel like their boyfriend is two people, abusive and the other loving and supportive at different times. But no matter what's right, I can't not love him.

Anyway, for years I covered up and excused to abuse. Over and over the social workers at my methadone clinic would ask my if I was a victim of domestic violence and I always said no. They ask all female patients in relationships over and over cause it's so common. Eventually he told his parents and friends about how he treated me, his parents excused or ignored it, his friends encouraged it. So is it any wonder between that and his years of depression and threatening to kill himself or kill us both that I couldn't cope.

So anyway our relationship fell apart when we got evicted cause I kept using the rent money on heroin, So I wound up with a friend of mine I've been using with for years, basically homeless beyond that. We use a LOT but money's gotten harder and harder, I've mostly been panhandling for money but it's gotten so difficult and I've had to go panhandle dopesick so many times I've prostituted myself multiple times I've been so desperate. (Seriously how fucked up do you have to be to solicit a homeless girl in her 20s begging on the street for sex? It's fucked up, I wouldn't shed a tear if they got hit by a bus)

I've just had enough. I don't want to kill myself anymore, so finally I called my mom begging for help. So she came down and has been helping a lot. I got back on methadone yesterday. Most likely in a few weeks I'll move interstate to live in with her a while away from here.

I guess what I wanna ask, is how scared should I be? My fear is after I leave, I will lose my social circle, and everything I lost, my lover, all my possessions, plus the shit I've let sick assholes do to me all for drugs, all of it was for nothing, I don't even have my drug anymore.

Then there's the fact it's a huge lifestyle change. My whole life now is getting money for drugs. I'll suddenly have so much free time. I don't wanna live like this anymore, but the future scares the shit out of me.

Then there's the longer term, I have no clue what I even want in my life. Who else here has actually gotten clean for a long time after falling this far into addiction? How did it work? How did it go?

The other thing where I'm interested in other people's experiences is with selling sex, cause that's the part that's really where I really feel burnt out. It feels like I've done something I'll never completely get over. I keep thinking like, I might have gone my whole life being able to say I'd never sold my body for drugs, and now I can't, nor can I ever not remember what I did, and I feel sickened by it. Plus I already have a history of child sexual abuse and it just really brings back a lot of those memories and feelings. It just really hurts you know? And I don't really have anyone I can talk to about it. I don't have many female fronds in general and most of the people in my life I never want finding out about what I did. I can handle them knowing about me being a heroin addict and begging for money, but not that.
 
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Jess, I am really happy for you that you have come to this decision and are taking the actual steps. I think it is the horrendous guilt and shame that was inflicted so deeply into your psyche as a child suffering from being sexually abused that now has you focusing on the prostitution over any of the other things you felt you had to do to feed your addiction. I hope so much that somehow, some way you are able to raise your head up and say THIS IS NOT MY SHAME. Childhood abuse destroys something so deep, so unconscious, that it becomes harder and harder to even locate let alone treat. Accepting physical abuse is part of it. Drug addiction is part of it. Just like you wisely said about the person that would exploit the sheer desperation of an addict for his own sexual pleasure, where is his shame? How about the enabling family members of your ex? How about your ex himself? Who knows, maybe he too was abused? How about the shame of a culture that makes children afraid to come forward, that makes people with unhealthy urges afraid to ask for help? There is shame enough to go around but it should not fall on your shoulders.

As far as the great unknown of where you life will go now, I have a few suggestions.

1) Accept that part of life is feeling uncertain. Getting comfortable with uncertainty is so important for not falling into negative habits.

2) Get involved in a social group that is made up of people that have been where you have been and are also trying to take control of their lives. This could be a childhood sexual abuse survivors group. It could be a women's recovery group or a domestic violence recovery group. This will offer many positive things for you. It will give you support and maybe even more importantly, give you the opportunity to offer support. It will introduce you to enough other women that you have the chance of clicking with one or two in particular and learning how to have intimate female friends. (That was something I had to learn how to do in my twenties as well and my life has been so much better for having learned it.)

3) Get therapy if you can afford it. Once you find a therapist that you feel good with, be willing to be honest. Remember that you are not being judged by this person, you are using him or her (I suggest a woman for your situation); you need to simply use this person as a tool for healing yourself. They provide the tools, you pick them up and learn to use them--its that simple, but it is hard work.

Most of all, give yourself credit for undertaking something that very few do--addiction or no addiction-- creating the life you want rather than simply accepting the one you fell into. You were victimized as a child and I think it takes very much courage to unlearn being a victim and to learn being a warrior for yourself. You do not have to hide or be ashamed of anything. You are a survivor and you have lots to feel proud of.
 
The prostitution isn't the thing I feel most guilt for, hurting the person I love more than anyone else in the world is what I feel most guilty for. The prostitution however is the most painful thing I've done to hurt myself instead of someone else. The thing that really bothers me is the fear that in future it'll make it harder still to have loving consensual sexual relationships.

It was already something I had a lot of trouble with. My partner was always very patient in this regard but our infrequent sex life eventually played a part in him feeling like we weren't really together as close as he'd have liked.

It's always been hard for me, I have trouble not disassociating when it comes to sex, it's hard not to associate it with what happened to me and not react by mentally switching off. And now I have this shit adding even more negative experiences for me to associate sex with.

He was always very patient and understanding, but it bothers me that it still bothers me so much. It's hard to be in a relationship with someone and be close if you rarely have sex and when you do one partner just mentally shuts down.

I think it's even harder for guys than girls, he always tried to be understanding but it was obvious he couldn't help feel like we weren't as much a couple as we both wanted to be because we rarely had sex. And it feels like what I've done has just set that back even further.

I do have one female friend who's been through a lot of the same shit I have, heroin addiction, child sexual abuse, etc, but she doesn't like to talk about it.

And I have a lot of trouble talking to psychs about it. It's hard for me to talk about any of this stuff in detail with someone I don't know very well.

But that is one idea I hadn't really thought about in terms of something I could do after I move, go to a psych. I figure finding ways to fill my time will be very important to staying clean.

I'm just sick of feeling broken, I feel like I'll always be damaged by the shit that happened to me. And that it'll never go away.
 
Jess -

I am also a heroin addict and I think you're pretty damn amazing.

I can also tell you, you're an amazing writer. Food for thought. Im lying here in mod w/d and reading your posts not only kept my attention, it helped me feel better.

I was clean for 1.5 yrs and starting using a few times a month over a year ago. I'm fighting to get back on track. Because its so worth it. I swear to you it is.

And yes, you can still have a great life no matter what has happened. It is a process. It doesnt "just happen" Nobody ever gets struck sober. You feel lost at first. Totally normal.

Im glad you went on methadone. Put one foot in front of the other. You'll be fine. You're doing great ❤
 
Hang in Jess, good things come to those that work hard to overcome their faults and persevere.

I hope you're able to move interstate and get away from the negativity, do your best to let go of the past I was in similar straights in losing all (gf,possessions,friends,life) in hindsight it was easier for me to start over because of that. Just try not to put anytime into thinking you've lost so much and been put through so much, that is over, it's to to regain some life and move forward.

Much
 
Hi jess I just want to add my voice to congratulating you on taking such an important initial step towards regaining your life. It may sound trite and cliched, but open-eyed realisation of the true reality of your addiction and situation, and making a conscious decision you've had enough is a key step.
I don't have personal experience of some aspects of your situation, but I do recognise the importance of truly deciding you've had enough of your life as an addict. I lost my girlfriend, home, job, most friends etc because of drugs but even all this wasn't sufficient for me to decide I'd had enough. One day lying on the sofa smoking I experienced a moment of clarity and realised how much I'd lost and how I was wasting my life doing nothing but drugs and speaking with no one except junkies. What a desolate waste of life... the scale of the challenge to put things right and rebuild my life is daunting and seems impossible to achieve. This has led me to despair and relapse. But I'm not going to beat myself up about this and give up trying. The challenge is hard and it's understandable to slip up. But - I'm telling myself- I have to keep trying. I try not to think about mistakes and bad things I've done. I only have the strength to focus on recovery. Staying sober will be a huge achievement and it will speak volumes about new me.
 
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Hi jess I just want to add my voice to the other posters and congratulate you on taking such an important initial step towards regaining your life. It may sound trite and cliched, but open-eyed acknowledgement of the true reality of your addiction and situation is major step towards a better life. It's very hard to admit to all the dark aspects of your life and take responsibility for actions you're ashamed of. Doing this and making a conscious decision that you've had enough is a key stage in the rejection of your addiction and past.
I don't have the same personal experience but I do recognise the importance of truly deciding you've had enough of your life as an addict. I lost my girlfriend, home, job, friends etc because of drugs but even all this wasn't sufficient for me to decide I'd had enough. One day lying on the sofa smoking in a moment of clarity and I realised how much I'd lost and how I was continuing to waste my life doing nothing but drugs and speaking with no one except junkies. What a desolate waste of 10 years of my life... time to stop.
the scale of the challenge to put things right and rebuild my life is daunting and seems impossible to achieve. This led to despair and relapse.
I'm not going to beat myself up about this and give up trying. The challenge is hard and it's understandable to slip up. But - I'm telling myself- I have to keep trying. I try not to think about mistakes and bad things I've done. I only have the strength to focus on recovery. Staying sober will be a huge achievement.
 
It's hard to accept that you must leave your life and friends behind, basically starting over in all aspects of life- socially, economically, and so on, but it's also a relief in many regards. I'm fighting two felonies, distribution and manufacture... I've recently just been bailed out of jail and finished time at an in-patient facility, I was psychotic due to withdraws when I was in jail. It's been a rough couple of months, and it is still hard not being able to contact any of my old friends and associates- but at the same time I'm able to let go of a lot of guilt and habits that are intertwined with those old relationships. I've stayed in contact with a few close friends who understand what is happening and that I've had to change my lifestyle completely, but those still actively involved in that lifestyle I make a point not to interact with.

It hasn't been that long for me, but it is the longest I've been sober in a decade and I have no intentions to go back, although I still have urges from time to time. I honestly think that moving out of state would be highly beneficial for you on getting a fresh start. I think it will help you leave those dark times in the past and perhaps help give you some perspective on how bad things actually were. I find that the more time you put between you and your old lifestyle, the more you are able to look at it objectively and realize that there are far better and wholesome ways to live.. hopefully with time you will be able to realize that it isn't even the people so much that you miss so much as it is the connection with people that you miss- if that makes sense. Ending relationships is never easy, but when the relationship has become abusive or corrosive, ending it is the only way to get back to health. Health begets health and addiction begets addiction. Once you have gotten some of your health back and are able to rebuild your self-worth and self-esteem, I think you will find that you are glad you left because otherwise you would still be caught up in the insanity that is addiction, that viscous cycle of addiction.

It can be difficult to realize that we've been walking a destructive path for so long and to abruptly let it all go, but chances are it's the only way to pull yourself out of the hell of addiction. Be glad that you still have your health, or some health, and you aren't facing a world of legal problems on top of the mental and emotional problems you already face. Many days I feel like there is no use in trying and that it would be easier to just give up, serve my time if I must, and let whatever happens happen- I believe it to be part of recovery, or at least part of the battle that is recovery.

Be glad that you still have people you are able to turn to for help, many people in our situations do not. If I hadn't, I would still be locked up. Look at this as the best thing you have ever done for yourself because in many ways it is. A lot of people don't recover from such trauma and addictions, and it isn't fair to yourself to compare yourself to people who have never had such. Trauma and addiction isn't a reason to be a fuck up in life, but it can offer as an explanation as to why we fucked up so badly, why we felt the need to bury our head in drugs and try to hide from guilt or shame.

I would suggest that you try and focus on today as much as possible, don't spend hours analyzing old fights or relationships trying to figure out who was to blame or who wasn't- chances are everyone in the relationship could take credit for some aspect of the problems. The truth is that if you have truly moved on, or truly intend to move on then none of those things will matter where you are going. Where you are going, the only things that matter is how you deal with the pain that might follow you.

I really hope the best for you, I hope that you will find healthy ways to cope with past traumas and that you completely remove yourself from such environments and are able to find healthy environments to be in. Find people you can talk to about it- you don't have to stuff it down inside and never talk about it, but try to focus your mind on what is to come rather than what has already come about.. that may be the biggest struggle you face, I know it is for me.

Deciding you've had enough is a big step in the right direction, it means accepting that you are living a destructive lifestyle as well as acknowledging the fact that there are better ways to live. Keep going, time does heal some things, other things we learn to cope with in a healthy or non-destructive ways. Rather than surrounding yourself with other addicts who can understand or accept who you truly are, find other people in recovery/former addicts as well as survivors of abuse who can understand and accept who you are.
 
Hi Jess, can you pm me on this issue? I#m terrified that someone I know & love will spy on my history so I can't really talk about it here xxx
 
EDIT: I wanted to do this as PM - but your need to clear your inbox. I will delete this message once you have read it. I ask that everyone please have respect and NOT quote any of this (thus rendering me unable to delete).


Hi Jess,

My name's Jess too.

I just wanted to address this

"The other thing where I'm interested in other people's experiences is with selling sex, cause that's the part that's really where I really feel burnt out. It feels like I've done something I'll never completely get over. I keep thinking like, I might have gone my whole life being able to say I'd never sold my body for drugs, and now I can't, nor can I ever not remember what I did, and I feel sickened by it. Plus I already have a history of child sexual abuse and it just really brings back a lot of those memories and feelings. It just really hurts you know? And I don't really have anyone I can talk to about it. I don't have many female fronds in general and most of the people in my life I never want finding out about what I did. I can handle them knowing about me being a heroin addict and begging for money, but not that."

But, for probably obvious reasons, I am doing so in PM - as it relates to my wife and I don't have her permission to put her experiences out on the Internet.

We're in our mid-30s - we still use frequently, but things aren't that bad for us right now, we great for a while and have been rock-bottom in the past.

I met my wife in High School - when we were both 14/16 - though we're not "high school sweethearts" - we got together around 25-26 or so.

Anyway - I just wanted to say this, prostitution is no big deal, all of the shame, guilt and all the rest - it's just because our society is fucked. Particularly towards women. I assume you're female as you mentioned your bf - and it's also far more common for women to sell sex. But I think most of what I am saying should be just as relevant if you're male.

All I wanted to say really, was a very brief version of my life and my relationship, my wife and I remained close friends since high-school, around our mid-20s, we'd both reached rock bottom. She was very regularly prostituting herself on the street. For my part - I was doing a lot of lying, stealing, etc.

In the end, I became homeless - and she finally cracked and admitted to her mum that she was a heroin addict. She moved back in with her mum. And I, after a few weeks "sleeping rough" (please donate to any homeless when you can, it's a tremendously difficult and stressful day to day existence). Eventually I moved out of the major city I was living in and I went to stay in a cottage on a property my Dad owned (way out in the 'bush' - middle of no where, town of 120 or so people.

Around this time, when I would come back into the city - I'd stay with my wife (then just a friend) - we became very close and inevitably hooked up.

Even during the first few months of our relationship - she was still doing some sex work (she wasn't telling me, but I suspected and later we talked about it, a few years down the track).

Anyway, for us - being together really helped us, we managed to get sober enough to go back to Uni, finish our degrees and even begin careers. Then my wife's mother died suddenly (drowned, will swimming in the surf). We had to move in to her house (her Dad had died a few years earlier) and look after her younger sister. Unfortunately, the younger sister was still heavily into drugs and within a couple months - we were right back into it again too.

Since then, we've been up and down, but more or less we've maintained constant heroin-users, even whilst on methadone,etc.

That said - we've both continued to hold down careers and such.



But what I really wanted to say is this: The sex work my wife did doesn't mean anything, it's not something we ever talk about, I could probably count on on hand the amount of times it has come up in about 10 years. It's an absolute non-event.

Sex work is utterly meaningless. People just make a huge deal about it because they're asshole. And because society has this fucked double standard about women; on one hand - they're sex symbols, used EVERYWHERE to sell things, entice people to things, etc. Our culture sexualises teenagers, young women - all the time, in posters, advertisements, major hollywood movies, TV shows, all over the Internet, you get the point.

On one hand society is saying "Women look fantastic - they're sexual beings and we celebrate that". But it's like the worlds worst kept secret; the girls have sex too. That they also think about sex, etc. It's the classic - Stud vs Slut problem.

Imagine a male prostitute, having sex with loads of women for cash. People would have a totally different opinion.

Anyway - all I want to say is this: Selling sex for money - for drugs, or anything - is a fuckload better than stealing, mugging people, committing fraud, or any other thing people do to make money.

Further - it's a far more honest and ethical job than many legitimate jobs - Assholes make money by buying up real estate, pricing out young families. Asshole make money from oil, coal, fracking, etc. From selling tobacco products. There are so many worse things than sex work.

If you sell sex - you're proving a service. You're not doing anything wrong. I'm not by any means encouraging you to do it. I'm just saying you have literally NOTHING to feel ashamed of, or guilty about. You have done NOTHING wrong. And if there's anyone at all to have some shame in that situation - it's the John. And even for John's - not everyone is dealt a good hand in life, for some men, paying for sex is the only was they will EVER experience it - so is that so bad?



Anyway - I just wanted to say, I love my wife more than anything, our sex-life is healthy. And more importantly - the fact that she previously did sex work is not an issue, it has never been an issue, it has never really come up (except occasionally to empathise with people who're been shamed because of it).

People make way to big a deal about sex. It's just sex. If you were desperate for money and resorted to sex work - don't even fucking worry about it. In fact - be proud you did honest work, rather than stealing, or committing fraud, or borrowing money without paying back. You EARNED your money. And you did NOTHING wrong when you earned it.

And if anyone in your life has a problem with prostitutes - fuck them - they're not even worthy of being in your life. That's on THEM not you.
 
Jess I also have suffered abuse as a child, its not something you get over but you can come to terms with and "accept" I don't know if I am wording it correctly but I have reached that stage in my life.

The road to sobriety is a very hard struggle and just admitting you have a problem is a HUGE step so kudos to you my dear.

Stay strong and don't beat yourself up if you make mistakes (we are after all human)

PS being a woman I understand exactly what you mean about feeling burnt out.
 
Thank you everyone, ill get around to clearing out my inbox soon. I actually did wind up leaving. A few weeks ago I called my mom and told her I wanted help getting out of the life I was leading. We talked over the next week or so about how to do it, with my one stipulation being I don't have to go into withdrawal, which she was happy to agree with.

She's been really great, she drove down to Sydney and helped me have enough money to keep using without having to work all day so I could use the time I didn't have to spend working to get back on methadone and replace my photo I'd and shit that I long ago allowed to expire. I got back on methadone and after some minor hassle we found a way to transfer my methadone from Sydney up interstate to where she lived, and she payed to fly me back so I could live with her as long as I feel I need too. As of right now it's been 4 days and 6 hours since I last used heroin. That's the longest I've gone without heroin in over 2 years.

So yeah, so far so good. On the whole it's gone way better than I could have hoped. I'm still struggling with depression, especially at night since I'm one of those people who get more depressed when it gets dark, plus times of overwhelming guilt and remorse over all the shit I did using. But I've made a lot of progress. The big question now is what comes next? And to that I have no idea.

And yes, to the other Jess who asked, I am female.
 
That's great that you are making progress. I find it easier to understand and let go of my past the further into recovery I am. When you don't have as strong urges and have changed your behavior it is easier to see how much drug use will change the way you act.

Part of the recovery process is to let go of the past, forgive our mistakes, and embrace the future.

The next step is to try and start living a normal life again. I started going back to school which helps me focus on tomorrow rather than yesterday. I'm working part time but would like to get a full time job. I'm trying to build normal friendships that aren't centered around drug use. Really, just learning to live life with out needing to use drugs to cope and get by.

Group therapy is beneficial for some, for me I find that meeting with a counselor a twice a week has really helped me to keep my head on straight. Establishing some sort of support group is key, I think. Even if you can't talk about your drug use or cravings, someone that you can just open up to about emotional struggles will really help.
 
Hey Jess-

I just wanted to offer a suggestion. While I am not someone that believes that everyone needs a program (12 Step), I do believe it helps a lot of people. You may want to look into some meetings in your area and see if you can find women that you relate to. If your bored, or looking for something to do, it can't hurt. And while I again, am not a huge proponent of NA- I do think that the steps help a lot! I noticed that you are reluctant to speak with someone about all the bad things in your life if you don't know them. Maybe getting the book that guides you through the steps will help, it deals a lot with WHY we use. I highly suggest you work through it with someone that had done it themselves.

Stay strong- grsh
 
You can do it. It won't be easy, but it will be well worth it in the end. I think that sometimes, as much as people speak of anxiety that drives their addiction/habit, once established, the anxiety created by your constant seeking of drugs is just as real and debilitating. So, life is long, and there is hope. Take it from me. If you knew where I have been and where I am right now, I am living proof that dragging yourself out of the deepest of holes can be done. Good luck to you. PM me if you ever want to rap a bit.
 
Thanks again. Its now been 9 days since I used heroin. Being in a correct amount of methadone and deciding to leave the state have done a world of good in helping me stop. I could never have done it if I'd stayed in the city with constant access to heroin.

I also wanna mention how much help it was that the methadone clinic I went too actually listened to me. I was on methadone and still using for 2 years with constant missed doses, and it was cause it takes very little to wind up having to start at the starting dose again, which wasn't nearly enough to stop me feeling sick and craving heroin, and took so long to get on a dose high enough. My previous clinic would only increase my dose by 5mg every 3 or 4 days. Which means I'd never be on enough to stay off heroin so I kept using, which meant I needed to hustle money together, which meant I'd miss my dose, and missing my dose all the time would cause the clinic to start me back in 30mg again and I'd have to start all over again.

And part of the problem is I'd never tell them honestly how much I used cause it always felt like they were judging me. This time the staff at the new clinic I went too were fantastic. I told the doctor there the truth and I didn't feel like he was judging me. He started me in 40mg and let me go up by 10mg every 2 days which meant I was actually able to get on a dose that worked in an amount of time that was short enough that I could do it without winding up missing cause I needed to get money to use cause I wasn't fucking on enough.

It's amazing how much more progress can be made with the doctors and clinic staff fucking listen. And don't pull constant bullshit like judging me for using so much so I'd lie to them, or telling me how easily I could die by using heroin with methadone so I question their competence. I could have taken twice as much methadone AND twice as much heroin at once and I wouldn't have come close to dying. And as if they'd know better then me about MY tolerance. It always pissed me off how they acted like I could so easily die by them putting me up faster on such small amounts of methadone for my tolerance.

Then I go to a new clinic with GOOD staff, and they just do it without me asking instead of lying to me about how they couldn't do it like my previous clinic did. And we'll, the results speak for itself. This is the longest I've been without shooting up in 2 years. And I'd never have made it with the previous clinic. I'd never have gotten on a high enough dose, so I'd have kept using on top of the methadone, and that easily results in missed doses which again results in less methadone and more missed doses. Fucking catch 22.

One difference is I'm with a private clinic now instead of a public one, that might be one reason the staff were so much better.

One thing I found very interesting is the private clinic had no on site security guards. And I think I know why. The patients cause a lot less trouble, and one BIG reason for that? The staff treated the patients with respect. With my old clinic the staffs attitude was a big part of what took volatile situations and made them much worse. You get dosed a LOT faster too with my new private one too. Cause they only keep the people on suboxone there for a minute while the subs dissolve. The previous clinic made them stay there for 6 minutes so the line was huge.

I've never been in subs but I know that's how they did it cause they have the rules printed up.
Anyway yeah, for the first time in years I'm happy to stay I'm doing really well so far.
 
you need to take drastic steps to get yourself out of this huge mess you've thrown yourself into.... just going on methadone and not being a prostitute isn't going to save you... you need something you can build a life off of, and this is probably gonna have to be your total sobriety .... I can't help but think you are seeing yourself as a "victim" - based on the way your told you stories, and listing specific events in which you were victimized. but i can't help but also think that you did your fair share of harming others. We all have during our addictions at some point. I think a 12 step program could really benefit you , and through that , you will be able to TRULY PUT THIS ALL BEHIND YOU FOR GOOD
 
JessFR said:
One difference is I'm with a private clinic now instead of a public one, that might be one reason the staff were so much better.

One thing I found very interesting is the private clinic had no on site security guards. And I think I know why. The patients cause a lot less trouble, and one BIG reason for that? The staff treated the patients with respect. With my old clinic the staffs attitude was a big part of what took volatile situations and made them much worse. You get dosed a LOT faster too with my new private one too. Cause they only keep the people on suboxone there for a minute while the subs dissolve. The previous clinic made them stay there for 6 minutes so the line was huge.

I've never been in subs but I know that's how they did it cause they have the rules printed up.
Anyway yeah, for the first time in years I'm happy to stay I'm doing really well so far.
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It's really sad how the gap between private and public is so obvious. If countries are actually concerned with addiction (as both Australia and the U.S. currently claim to be) why does this persist? A documentary or two come out, every magazine and newspaper has at least a headline a week, everyone from politicians to school administrators claim to care and yet there is no money, no innovation, no studies to show what simply does not work with suggestions for replacement. Your example of the line for instance--how hard should that be to observe and change?

Your last sentence today makes me so happy. You are someone on Bluelight that I always look forward to listening to--whether it is in the political forums or any of the drug focus forums. The psychic pain that leads to addiction and then continues to support it is a formidable foe--but it is a part of you and therefore you have power. The hardest part of being human is learning to navigate the self, especially the parts that terrify us. I am old and I still find that I am prey to the traps my mind has made for me since early childhood. But there is progress and it always comes from exploration; exploration that includes reconciliation, righteous anger, forgiveness, reframing, hard questions and harder answers. But that exploration turns out to be one of the more fascinating and rewarding parts of life. We are always looking for the perfect relationship, the person that will understand and love us unconditionally, will see our faults honestly and continue to encourage us to reach beyond them. What if this person were us?
 
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