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March 2017 Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread v. something new is happening!!!

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3 days away from 4 months clean of ops for me!. Just wish this dam nerve pain in my feet wasnt so bad but even with the nerve pain my cravings for ops is 0.
RDP89 good luck!
 
It's been awhile since I've been "home". Glad to still see CH up in here. Celebrated five years clean back in January. Life is hard today with work, being newly engaged, returning back to school this fall, and what not. But it's doable. Love you guys, and thanks to all of you for giving me this new life.
 
Serotonin101 said:
It's been awhile since I've been "home". Glad to still see CH up in here. Celebrated five years clean back in January. Life is hard today with work, being newly engaged, returning back to school this fall, and what not. But it's doable. Love you guys, and thanks to all of you for giving me this new life.
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congrats on your 5 years, and good to see you around :)

I have 2 years, 5 months in just two days :)
 
Indeed. Every is a struggle for gratitude with what's going on at work. I just have to remind myself that all this stuff is temporary.
 
Coming up on about two years 'clean' now. My life has changed immeasurably and I am excited for the future. Shout out to everyone who helped me here and to everyone who is looking for help here, this could be the first day of the rest of your life.

Big love.
 
THECATINTHEHAT said:
Coming up on about two years 'clean' now. My life has changed immeasurably and I am excited for the future. Shout out to everyone who helped me here and to everyone who is looking for help here, this could be the first day of the rest of your life.

Big love.
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congrats on two years! Well said TCITH, i would also like to thank everybody that helped me here. This forum has probably helped more people off opioids successfully than all the addiction specialist doctors in Jersey combined.
 
Just realized why I need to go to an NA meeting

because telling people at work I forgot to do something because I was thinking about using heroin is just a tad awkward

I kill it at work 99% of the time but every once and a while im just zoned out thinking about drugs

and I'm so nice to everyone at work. I would like to see some of their faces if I told them I used to have a vicious drug problem
 
subotai said:
Just realized why I need to go to an NA meeting

because telling people at work I forgot to do something because I was thinking about using heroin is just a tad awkward

I kill it at work 99% of the time but every once and a while im just zoned out thinking about drugs

and I'm so nice to everyone at work. I would like to see some of their faces if I told them I used to have a vicious drug problem
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I wonder about that sometimes--what would the people I work with possibly say or do if they knew about my habit?

Just curious, Subotai--how does an NA meeting fit in here? I'm always curious about those cases when people *do* feel favorably inclined towards hitting a meeting. :)
 
I'm not sure what you are asking tbh

why do I want to go to an NA meeting?

because I'm a drug addict who just isn't getting high right now. And I can't explain that to most people. Just getting it out feels better than acting like I'm cured

I still feel like our society has a huge double standard when it comes to alcohol and weed

still don't have anything to be overly proud of due to sobriety besides my own moral compass, but that doesn't help me much right now. there's times where I'll step back and be like "hey man you're doing the right thing" but that is few and far between

real shit dude, I need that positive reinforcement because otherwise what is the difference between being a junkie and not? I guess it should feel better to be doing the right thing but shooting dope also feels pretty fucking good.

Idk I'll get these random bitchy moods. And I can just blame it on sobriety when I'm really just a terrible person who doesn't want to change, I just had to stop getting high for a minute
 
Complicated to me is daily life. Interacting with other people. I complicate the shit out of that

things most members of society would consider complicated I actually find pretty simple

say like: obtaining heroin and getting home with less than 10 dollars to start. That's if I even have a home. I don't have a home I just have places I sleep at if that makes sense

idk man it just sucks because stuff I got really good at (obtaining and using drugs) serves me absolutely no benefit going forward and it just feels like I wasted so much time for nothing because that's exactly what happened

I can tell you what the Philadelphia heroin scene is like. SWEET DUDE

And it's getting warmer out, makes it a lot easier to say "fuck it"
 
I'll put it like this and this is what really fucks me up

I can be good being sober 99% of the time but odds are when that 1% pops up the blocks will be open and all it takes is for me to say "fuck it" and I'm right back

and how the fuck do you socialize with other people knowing that about yourself? I don't want to have anyone rely on me for anything, whether it's emotionally or physically, only to find out "hey, this guy is a fucking drug addict!"

shit sucks
 
My brain is FUCKED UP from using drugs and it was pretty FUCKED UP to start with

I don't want to live, I just don't want to die either

what a fucking conundrum.

I don't know what I want, except heroin. That's always a fall back plan

but I don't have a Plan A you get what I'm saying?

im fucked
 
"Well just go to school!"

fuck your school. I can't make myself want to go to school.

As funny and sad as this sounds, I think I'm too good for school. Why should I have to go to school to prove that I can do stuff I already know I can do?

put me in any job for a week and see if I'm not doing it just fine by the end. I'm not even trying to continue this narcissistic posting style but I don't give a fuck

Im too smart to go to school. Im either going to figure something out with what to do with my life soon, while showing flashes of positive behavior and insight, or I'm just going to go back to being a drug addict and say the reason I didn't achieve anything is because I never actually tried

its a built in excuse for this earth shattering revelation I might be forced into where I realize I'm not, in actuality, that intelligent. Where I have to admit that I'm not really good at much of anything except giving excuses for why things turn out the way they turn out. Im real good at that. I'll tell you my flaws all day, just like I'll tell you what I'm good at all day. One of the things I'm good at is telling you what my flaws are

im an honest person at heart, and sometimes the own truth about your life hurts so drugs are a good fucking band aid
 
subotai said:
I'm not sure what you are asking tbh

why do I want to go to an NA meeting?

because I'm a drug addict who just isn't getting high right now. And I can't explain that to most people. Just getting it out feels better than acting like I'm cured

I still feel like our society has a huge double standard when it comes to alcohol and weed

still don't have anything to be overly proud of due to sobriety besides my own moral compass, but that doesn't help me much right now. there's times where I'll step back and be like "hey man you're doing the right thing" but that is few and far between

real shit dude, I need that positive reinforcement because otherwise what is the difference between being a junkie and not? I guess it should feel better to be doing the right thing but shooting dope also feels pretty fucking good.

Idk I'll get these random bitchy moods. And I can just blame it on sobriety when I'm really just a terrible person who doesn't want to change, I just had to stop getting high for a minute
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Yes, that's what I was asking. You clarified it; thanks.

I go to meetings for pretty much the exact same reasons...I work a super straight job where nobody knows anything about what I actually care about. Sometimes it really is a relief to be in a room where, for at least one hours, you know how things are gonna go, and you know that you don't have to pretend to be someone you aren't.

I hope you can get to a good meeting today, man.

Sending you my best.
 
I'm good though, honestly, just had to get all that out. Appreciate the love though

idk why I think I'm above doing certain things just because I feel entitled to have people just take my word that I'm a good guy and that I can handle anything when I need to come online and periodically bitch about my lack of direction

yeah, lets hire THAT GUY!

lol, I'm always good though. I just could be better you know
 
subotai said:
I'm good though, honestly, just had to get all that out. Appreciate the love though

idk why I think I'm above doing certain things just because I feel entitled to have people just take my word that I'm a good guy and that I can handle anything when I need to come online and periodically bitch about my lack of direction

yeah, lets hire THAT GUY!

lol, I'm always good though. I just could be better you know
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I don't think it's in doubt that you're a good guy! :)

Hang in there. And feel free to vent any ol time...best to get that shit out.
<3
Sim
 
subotai said:
"Well just go to school!"

fuck your school. I can't make myself want to go to school.

As funny and sad as this sounds, I think I'm too good for school. Why should I have to go to school to prove that I can do stuff I already know I can do?

put me in any job for a week and see if I'm not doing it just fine by the end. I'm not even trying to continue this narcissistic posting style but I don't give a fuck

Im too smart to go to school. Im either going to figure something out with what to do with my life soon, while showing flashes of positive behavior and insight, or I'm just going to go back to being a drug addict and say the reason I didn't achieve anything is because I never actually tried

its a built in excuse for this earth shattering revelation I might be forced into where I realize I'm not, in actuality, that intelligent. Where I have to admit that I'm not really good at much of anything except giving excuses for why things turn out the way they turn out. Im real good at that. I'll tell you my flaws all day, just like I'll tell you what I'm good at all day. One of the things I'm good at is telling you what my flaws are

im an honest person at heart, and sometimes the own truth about your life hurts so drugs are a good fucking band aid
Click to expand...

I don't think most people innately know what they want in a lifelong career, they just thumb through the university programs / trade schools / do what their parents did / work their way up from an entry level job... make a decision, and most importantly stick to it without complaint.

2 guys from my graduating class went straight into electrical work, stuck to it, 1 is now a journeyman, the other is a foreman (by the time they hit 25).

I've been paralyzed with indecision and have ho-hum'ed ever since graduating high school. Went to a decent uni for a year and a half, got terrible grades and dropped out despite being (what I believe to be) reasonably intelligent, worked a bunch of random jobs, went to college to get a diploma, used that diploma in a line of work, I've since stopped that due to poor health and looking to do something else. I just can't seem to stick to anything long term... depression and suicidal ideation doesn't help.

In my case, prolonged recreational opiate use / addiction led to a decreased ability to work towards long-term goals. "Why can't I have my degree now? Why do I have to study all this crap? This is too much work for today, I'm just going to get high instead. I'll do this tomorrow."

The first day of uni, this professor told our entire class of 200+ students, "the reason you are here is not because you're smarter than the people who went to x university or college, it's because you worked harder. Everyone has the ability to come to this school, you just have to be willing to put in the work."
 
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