limegreen_421
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2016
- Messages
- 24
Howdy Fellow Bluelighters,
I have used this forum as a non-member for many years to obtain helpful info. Primarily consulted about plant problems and such. Unfortunately in June of 2016 I made a decision that has completely altered my life and has left me desperate to get out of this cycle. I have zero judgement towards junkies/opiate users. I completely understand the desire to escape in such a euphoric manner. However, I do not want to live my life like that. Honestly, H has always been my end-of-life plan and I NEVER had the urge to try anything stronger until I was faced with a complicated situation. I have sustained three traumatic brain injuries in my life time; one occipital, one frontal, and one basically on the lambdoidal suture. The frontal and occipital were sustained in childhood with no lasting health effects, though the frontal injury did cause me to lose proper math and directional skills. The best description of this condition is dyscalculia caused by brain trauma. The TBI on the lambdoidal suture occurred December of 2014. Since that time I have been prescribed 5-7.5/325 hydrocodone since I get bad migraines and am unable to tolerate most preventative or other meds for migraines due to the stimulant effect most of them have...or at least my brain reacts that way. Initially I took the medicine as prescribed, mostly. Some days I did indulge a bit. Fast forward about a year and I am physically and emotionally dependent on the hydrocodone. Had I just decided to quit there it would have been easy peasy. But I had a fairly hardcore cosmetic surgery in June and fearing that the pain meds i would be prescribed would run out too quickly due to my tolerance...I was also extremely worried about issues with my mother during my recovery as she insisted on coming for three weeks (one week before, two weeks after my surgery), so I wanted a way to just be able to knock myself out. i originally considered 30mg oxys, but they are pricey on the DW and I don't know anyone I could cop from locally. I also considered dillys, which were slightly cheaper than the oxys. I found someone with pressed fent pills for cheap and since they were apparently dosed to be similiar to oxys, I figured I would give it a try. My plan was to make a nasal spray by crushing up some pills and filtering them like I guess I would do to prep a shot and then diluted as needed with a saline solution. I decided to go this route for easy administration, good bioavailability, and quick onset. I was able to do this with the pills, but for awhile I was too scared to use it having heard all the fent od horror stories. Basically everything went to hell with my mom (as expected, but she too it to a whole new psychologically damaging level this time). Basically i had to kick her out of my house two days after major surgery and was still unable to care for myself properly. I wanted to just be numb physically and emotionally because I was in so much pain of both types. This would have been okay if I had just gone through the first batch and was done. I totally could have, but I didn't. I kept buying and kept spraying. I would guess that I am administering approx. 30mcg per four sprays. And of course four sprays used to be just fine, but it has gradually morphed into more and more to where my supply is barely lasting a week and my DW supplier only ships one day a week. I am absolutely physically addicted to this substance and have been since mid-July. Some days I am able to moderate my use, some days I am not. My digestive system is really screwed up and I've been having to take OTC stool softeners for at least two months. My digestive system was already pretty messed up due to a 14 year battle with bulimia, so I'm really worried about the constant daily use of stool softeners but I can't stop taking them because I need to poop.
Okay, that's the backstory. Here's what's happening now...I have to have another surgery on December 16th. I feel as though I can't quit before surgery due to the amt. of pain I'll be in and I don't think its a good idea to quit now and have the enormous chance of relapse due to the pain I will be in. This surgery is not going to be as extensive, so my recovery should not be nearly as lengthy as my original surgery. My mother will have no involvement in this surgery, as I feel I need to protect my mental health at this time. I ran out late yesterday but was so low on supplies i had to significantly reduce my dosage yesterday, so I was in WD all night and will be today and tomorrow morning until my supply arrives. I will be off work for 4-6 weeks during this recovery, so I see it as the perfect time to do this detox without revealing my secret addiction to co-workers, friends, family, etc. I worry that I will have to increase my dosage immediately after surgery, though I am going to do my best to start tapering when my supply comes tomorrow. If I can get down to a reasonable amount I feel like my WD symptoms might not be as bad. I currently reside in the deep south where the medical system is a joke. In recent years doctors have become too scared to write prescriptions for certain drugs, even here. I suppose i could try to find a shady pay-over-the-phone clinic, but I have no interest in continuing this addiction to opiates after I give this up. from what I have read od Suboxone, I don't want anything to do with it. Not to mention I don't want to admit this issue to any doctor and then find it difficult to get my anxiety meds (clonazepam and xanax). I do not and have never abused anti-anxiety drugs. I have a multitude of anxiety disorders and would literally not be able to function outside of an institution without them. A part of me thinks detoxing in a hospital sounds more comfortable...the other part of me thinks I would panic being locked up, be resentful that I couldn't smoke weed, have doctors trying to give me anti-depressants (I have SEVERE reactions to all classes of anti-depressants...serotonin reactions/comas. Because this is a very rare reaction, doctors don't always take me seriously and I'm not going to risk being force-fed drugs that will harm me. So, I've gotta do this myself. i have a whole lot of willpower and many, many reasons to do this successfully. I do see a counselor for my anxiety and general life issues, but have not disclosed this problem to her for fear that my anxiety medicines would be taken. There are no methadone clinics or even needle exchange programs within the state I currently live in. Not that I believe I need methadone nor do i need needles, but it paints a picture of a state that does not value harm reduction in any way.
Sorry for the rambling post. I just needed to talk. If anyone can direct me to the proper forum for this type of thing I'd be greatly appreciative. I've read through a lot of the fent threads, but can't seem to find a newer one to post on. Should I start a new thread?
Thanks for Reading
I have used this forum as a non-member for many years to obtain helpful info. Primarily consulted about plant problems and such. Unfortunately in June of 2016 I made a decision that has completely altered my life and has left me desperate to get out of this cycle. I have zero judgement towards junkies/opiate users. I completely understand the desire to escape in such a euphoric manner. However, I do not want to live my life like that. Honestly, H has always been my end-of-life plan and I NEVER had the urge to try anything stronger until I was faced with a complicated situation. I have sustained three traumatic brain injuries in my life time; one occipital, one frontal, and one basically on the lambdoidal suture. The frontal and occipital were sustained in childhood with no lasting health effects, though the frontal injury did cause me to lose proper math and directional skills. The best description of this condition is dyscalculia caused by brain trauma. The TBI on the lambdoidal suture occurred December of 2014. Since that time I have been prescribed 5-7.5/325 hydrocodone since I get bad migraines and am unable to tolerate most preventative or other meds for migraines due to the stimulant effect most of them have...or at least my brain reacts that way. Initially I took the medicine as prescribed, mostly. Some days I did indulge a bit. Fast forward about a year and I am physically and emotionally dependent on the hydrocodone. Had I just decided to quit there it would have been easy peasy. But I had a fairly hardcore cosmetic surgery in June and fearing that the pain meds i would be prescribed would run out too quickly due to my tolerance...I was also extremely worried about issues with my mother during my recovery as she insisted on coming for three weeks (one week before, two weeks after my surgery), so I wanted a way to just be able to knock myself out. i originally considered 30mg oxys, but they are pricey on the DW and I don't know anyone I could cop from locally. I also considered dillys, which were slightly cheaper than the oxys. I found someone with pressed fent pills for cheap and since they were apparently dosed to be similiar to oxys, I figured I would give it a try. My plan was to make a nasal spray by crushing up some pills and filtering them like I guess I would do to prep a shot and then diluted as needed with a saline solution. I decided to go this route for easy administration, good bioavailability, and quick onset. I was able to do this with the pills, but for awhile I was too scared to use it having heard all the fent od horror stories. Basically everything went to hell with my mom (as expected, but she too it to a whole new psychologically damaging level this time). Basically i had to kick her out of my house two days after major surgery and was still unable to care for myself properly. I wanted to just be numb physically and emotionally because I was in so much pain of both types. This would have been okay if I had just gone through the first batch and was done. I totally could have, but I didn't. I kept buying and kept spraying. I would guess that I am administering approx. 30mcg per four sprays. And of course four sprays used to be just fine, but it has gradually morphed into more and more to where my supply is barely lasting a week and my DW supplier only ships one day a week. I am absolutely physically addicted to this substance and have been since mid-July. Some days I am able to moderate my use, some days I am not. My digestive system is really screwed up and I've been having to take OTC stool softeners for at least two months. My digestive system was already pretty messed up due to a 14 year battle with bulimia, so I'm really worried about the constant daily use of stool softeners but I can't stop taking them because I need to poop.
Okay, that's the backstory. Here's what's happening now...I have to have another surgery on December 16th. I feel as though I can't quit before surgery due to the amt. of pain I'll be in and I don't think its a good idea to quit now and have the enormous chance of relapse due to the pain I will be in. This surgery is not going to be as extensive, so my recovery should not be nearly as lengthy as my original surgery. My mother will have no involvement in this surgery, as I feel I need to protect my mental health at this time. I ran out late yesterday but was so low on supplies i had to significantly reduce my dosage yesterday, so I was in WD all night and will be today and tomorrow morning until my supply arrives. I will be off work for 4-6 weeks during this recovery, so I see it as the perfect time to do this detox without revealing my secret addiction to co-workers, friends, family, etc. I worry that I will have to increase my dosage immediately after surgery, though I am going to do my best to start tapering when my supply comes tomorrow. If I can get down to a reasonable amount I feel like my WD symptoms might not be as bad. I currently reside in the deep south where the medical system is a joke. In recent years doctors have become too scared to write prescriptions for certain drugs, even here. I suppose i could try to find a shady pay-over-the-phone clinic, but I have no interest in continuing this addiction to opiates after I give this up. from what I have read od Suboxone, I don't want anything to do with it. Not to mention I don't want to admit this issue to any doctor and then find it difficult to get my anxiety meds (clonazepam and xanax). I do not and have never abused anti-anxiety drugs. I have a multitude of anxiety disorders and would literally not be able to function outside of an institution without them. A part of me thinks detoxing in a hospital sounds more comfortable...the other part of me thinks I would panic being locked up, be resentful that I couldn't smoke weed, have doctors trying to give me anti-depressants (I have SEVERE reactions to all classes of anti-depressants...serotonin reactions/comas. Because this is a very rare reaction, doctors don't always take me seriously and I'm not going to risk being force-fed drugs that will harm me. So, I've gotta do this myself. i have a whole lot of willpower and many, many reasons to do this successfully. I do see a counselor for my anxiety and general life issues, but have not disclosed this problem to her for fear that my anxiety medicines would be taken. There are no methadone clinics or even needle exchange programs within the state I currently live in. Not that I believe I need methadone nor do i need needles, but it paints a picture of a state that does not value harm reduction in any way.
Sorry for the rambling post. I just needed to talk. If anyone can direct me to the proper forum for this type of thing I'd be greatly appreciative. I've read through a lot of the fent threads, but can't seem to find a newer one to post on. Should I start a new thread?
Thanks for Reading
