• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: streaM Freak

My Opioid Problem

S

ShroomySatori

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 24, 2015
Messages
2,934
Location
getting high by the candlelight
Hey everyone, I look forward to joining this section of the community. I have been posting mainly in the taper thread in the dark side. I have been tapering with harsh dose cuts, because I have nothing else whatsoever to do right now but get clean. I have lost almost everything. I feel like I need to talk to people who are living sober lives, as I am dealing with a lot of stress waking up. I need to start talking about my cravings and how to deal with the problems, as I usually post more about my progress and the taper drops in the other thread.

So warning, I am mentioning drugs if that triggers you. So I am 28 and when I was 24 I injured my spine really bad. I was an engineer at the time and lost everything to this pain. So I got on opiates, first one I tried was dilaudid and then heroin. I became heavily addicted to sniffing china white up until this summer. I would use a lot of it, probably equivalent to 200mg oxy a day but of course I liked the dope a lot more. I sure liked that stuff. I'm lucky to be alive. I have already quit heroin completely, and for quite some time, but I initially replaced it with high dose oxycontin and dilaudid pills and I wasn't serious about getting clean.

This autumn I found myself with a heavy oxycodone habit that finally caught up with me and became too much to handle. I lost my last job because I was sick half the time at work. I could never get enough. I would take massive doses for my tolerance and be sick 3 hours later. It was miserable and yeah... lost another good job opportunity. I've been tapering ever since.

I've worked my way down to 40mg oxycodone per day, which is fiddle sticks compared to what I was taking before. The withdrawal has been a nightmare as I was at well over 100mg a day and this has gone on for way too long... 4 years now. I dose at midnight and noon. I can't wait to be clean but I have a lot of issues to face. I cannot wait to get there. I have to taper as my chronic pain condition is excruciating, and it's simply working out really well for me so far apart from a couple relapses that happened a while ago.

I made a youtube channel (anonymous, shades and headband) to document my progress. I see how sick I was at first - deathly sick as fuck - and how well I am doing now and it's great to look at the videos when I'm feeling down.

I just have a little bit left to go. I know I'm still using a bit, but I'm almost there. The rest of my journey is going to be a challenge, but I know I can do it. I'd like to be clean soon, but I am unsure how long the rest of my taper will take. I also have borderline disorder and can't go too quickly or I'll just relapse.

So, I am just looking for some support and also since I have experienced a bit of PAWS already while stabilizing, I need to be prepared for what is to come. I am expecting a lot of cravings. Usually when I have cravings I jam my guitar really hard until they stop. I have heard that the last little bit is the hardest to give up. I am definitely avoiding subs and methadone as my 40mg habit does not require that. The best way to explain my symptoms would just be to watch the youtube videos I guess - but they are typical. Full body muscle aches, restlessness, depression, insomnia, panic attacks, always on the edge, lots of pain... but I've seen the light too.

I've seen how good it is to feel like myself again, especially with this last drop to 40mg. I know I'm not clean yet but not too long ago I was sniffing heroin all day, whatever I could get really. I spent $100,000 in the past 4 years on this and it simply has to stop before I die. I am 100% committed to getting clean, no matter how hard it is. The progress I have made this last little while has been simply been astounding, and I don't care how much back pain I have, I want off this shit permanently. The addiction has ruined years of my life.

I'd just like to hear from people who are clean, or anyone really who can offer encouragement. It feels great to be getting control of my life and I have to keep this going - but the lower my dose gets, I feel the higher the threat of relapse becomes. That kind of stuff happens, and the main thing is I keep at it. I am 100% committed to suffering through hell to get my life back on track.
 
Last edited:
Glad you started this thread! I'll definitely keep reading. Lotsa good folks here on SL. I think you'll find good support.

Feel free to PM me if that would ever help. I'm only at 23 days clean from a 4-year heroin habit. But like you, I'm totally committed to my recovery.
 
Good to meet you man and congrats on the clean time. I'll def hit you up with a pm.

I'm including a list of the supplements I am presently taking and for what purpose:

Inflammation: turmeric with black pepper; pineapple

Anxiety: L-theanine, Valerian tincture, Chamomile Tea

Liver health: Milk thistle

Sex drive: Gelatinized maca root powder

Nausea: ginger

General health: Vitamin B complex; camu-camu berry (vitamin C and antioxidant source), Spirulina, Wheatgrass

Constipation: Green Tea, Kombucha (even if kombucha doesn't do shit, it's still awesome. I personally think it is excellent for digestion)

Blood pressure and vasoconstriction: L-Arginine (recommended by a friend, they were out of it at the store)

Full body muscle aches and restlessness: Magnesium (I get 100% pressed-buckwheat crackers that are full of the stuff)


Okay so I will add that I am now below my prescribed dose. Today was Day 10 at 40mg which is a huge deal to me considering that my last relapse involved a lot of abused dilaudid mixed with higher doses of oral Oxy over a few days that jacked my tolerance up to the max, and I remember feeling like I nearly overdosed.

I'm worried that if I drop any lower right now, I could relapse or dose out of line tomorrow. My body is still getting used to the 12 hour dosing, and I feel like before I go any lower, I should be a little more comfortable and I'm simply not. I've got nasty muscle aches at the moment in my upper arms and extreme back pain. I still have 5.5 hours to go before I can take my maintenance dose. I'm already struggling at 40mg with intense cravings, since I am used to dosing every 3 hours - not 12. I really want to be fully clean, but I am concerned that I am taking things too quickly. I am concerned that if I drop my dose tonight to 20mg, it could cause a full blown relapse. However, I am just ashamed of myself for using this much. I am ashamed to be a junkie. I really want off, but I feel like my taper is going so well and every day I am still making a lot of progress. Every day is still a struggle at this dose, and maybe I would be better off gaining some weight (I am like a skeleton) before proceeding. Especially since I have the constant supply now that I am under my prescribed dose and not 3 to 4 times over it.

I wasn't really able to sleep or eat properly for these 10 days, especially for the first week. It took a LOT out of me. I'm just starting to get healthy again. I'm concerned that if I take things too quickly, it could result in a total relapse. I just started eating healthy food a day or two ago and getting my shit together. If I'm second guessing myself, maybe I should wait a few days? I'd really hate to end up popping the oxy out of line (I feel like dosing every 12 hours is extremely important to my tapering method).

I'm actually just going to hold off for now until I receive some advice. Every day is still a fight at this dose - but I'm handling things really well. I think that after a bit more time, my body will become used to the 12 hour dosing and then it will be much easier to drop down to 20mg at that point. I just feel like I'm second-guessing myself for a reason, and it's not that I want to be high because 40mg still has me in wd's essentially all the time. I haven't gotten more than a few hours sleep at night, if that. Sometimes nothing. I feel like I need to keep on this maintenance dose for a little bit and get myself healthy before continuing onwards. Is that bad? I really don't feel like it's denial or self-justification or anything like that. I think it would be smarter for my health. As ashamed as I am to still be using, I know deep down that I am fighting wd's. I would just really hate to relapse and I'm happy with my progress and my present dose. I'm just having mixed feeling about it. I really want to be clean asap, but what if I can't handle 20mg yet since 40mg is still really challenging? What if it cause me to take a whole bunch of oxy's, like 80mg at once or something?

I'm really nervous about it right now because my health is really bad after that one nightmare week. It took so much out of me. So much. If I drop any lower, I won't be able to eat or sleep properly for yet another week. I feel like I need a short break, just to feel somewhat happy and normal for a little bit. As ashamed as I am to still be using, I feel like it would be smart to take a few days to focus on my health and not fighting hardcore nightmare wd's. I think it's tough enough for me right now to be taking these 20mg doses 12 hours apart. And I have the supply, that's the thing. I feel like maybe slow and steady wins the race at this point... especially since my dose is low enough that I'm not getting wasted or any shit like that. I feel like my good old self and every day I'm seeing improvement.

Does anyone else get sleep paralysis by the way?
 
Last edited:
Shroomy! I'm so glad you are feeling strong and ready to be clean! You've come so far in such a short amount of time.

keep on looking forward toward a time when you are free - it's so worth it!

- VE
 
Looking back 10 days ago is just insane for me. I was an absolute nightmare, and my energy has completely changed. I already feel semi-clean, that's for sure. I feel like my good old self, but I still need to finish the job.

I've decided that I need to take some time to focus on my health. That first week of serious withdrawal took a lot out of me. I lost a lot of weight and I look very gaunt and unhealthy. I'm still getting plenty of withdrawal symptoms almost all day, just not horrific ones like before. I've been feasting on delicious scallop pastas full of veggies and all the supplements I mentioned above, but only beginning yesterday once I got my appetite back. I'm going to get myself back in good health before dropping my dose any further. I was seriously sick as fuck starting just 10 days ago, and my 40mg daily dosing is still a challenge considering how much I was abusing before. I had a bad craving episode today and due to recent events I'm feeling mentally unstable.

I'm going to take really good care of myself these next few days and nurse myself back to good health - focus on good sleep, healthy eating, cognitive exercises. Then, I will proceed and drop my dose by half before getting clean. I am definitely ready for it and 100% committed, but my body took such a beating these past 10 days that I really need to focus on my health right now while keeping my dose stable for some time.

That way, when I re-enter more intensive withdrawal it will not be stacking on top of the withdrawal I'm already experiencing, and I won't be starting off with a weakened body. I don't think dropping my dose when I'm still feeling really unstable would be a good idea. I'm just being realistic and taking it one day at a time. I had really bad cravings today and dropping my dose by half tomorrow while looking so gaunt and unhealthy from that nightmare week could be risky. I wouldn't be able to eat or sleep, activities which I have only recently regained the ability to properly accomplish. I'm going to have to be patient as much as I want out as soon as possible. My body can only take so much.
 
Just an edit... I am having unbearable cravings right now. Like nothing I have ever experienced. I don't know if I can hold off from the pills but I am trying my best. It is my first time experiencing cravings this extreme. If I relapse I may need a little support later on. I don't want to see things in black and white and just run with it like I ruined everything.

-->So I will post what happened. I took 10mg oxycodone instead of my usual 20mg maintenance dose, to see what would happen. I fell asleep, and woke up a couple hours later feeling full blown withdrawal symptoms coming on.

I'm not ready for that lower dose yet at all - I am still struggling with 40mg daily - so I took the second half of my maintenance dose. I got through the cravings of taking more but it was tough. I was considering taking 80 milligrams at once. I didn't slip. t have to get myself healthy after Nightmare Week before cutting out the rest.

The cravings were extremely intense. It was like every cell in my body was screaming at me for them. The cravings were triggered by stressing out about the future. I have so far to go, to get to where I want to be. Is that common? I feel like if I started using, I could get applying to engineering jobs right away and I really need to get my career going. Last time I had dope, I got an engineering job within a week. Thing is, I just couldn't keep it because I was dope sick half the time. I can hustle my way through an interview, but what's the point if I'm gonna be focussed on junk. It's just good I got through those cravings but I'm worried how frequent they are going to be. This is not craving to smoke a joint let me tell you. These are hardcore, nothing-else-matters, your-life-is-hopeless-without-drugs type cravings. It had nothing to do with the physical symptoms, which were relatively mild at the time.

I had a mango and that seems to have helped. I like having mangos, up here in this cold Canadian climate. Hadn't had a mango in a while. Mango. Mango mango mango (singing tropical tune). Delicious. Alright. The cravings were a nightmare. I think I'd prefer to take the physical shit kicking, but why bother going through that again while kicking the last of my dose, before learning how to deal with the extreme stress of feeling dead sober for the first time since I was 15 (I know that I'm not clean yet, but I still feel sober as a judge at this maintenance dose. A slightly dopesick, under the weather judge who called in sick that is).

edit edit... alright so today the cravings are unbearable again. Does it ever go away? I mean... it's non-stop. Non-stop obsessive cravings to fiend pills. It has been going on for hours and hour and hours at this point. All I can think about is screaming at the pills to get them in me. I have to keep strong. Today is day 11... 1-1... synchronicity.... relapse. The fucking supermoon in my constellation is fucking with me I swear. I go insane on full moons let alone super ones in Taurus. I am completely losing my shit today I probably won't return until tomorrow when I'm no longer in werewolf mode.
 
Last edited:
go slow with the taper, man. better to have some patience now than to push too fast, I think.

as for the cravings, what i'm finding (after almost 2 years of quitting/relapsing) is that *I* am getting better at handling the cravings. They still come around. And they still suck. But (so far), I've been able to make it through them. And I find that the more consistently I can power through cravings without using, the less impossible they are to resist. one thing I can't stress enough though: to me, it's incredibly important to have tangible, concrete plans in place for what I'll do when a craving hits me. I've had to be brutally honest with myself about these plans; I don't always like what they entail...I've given up a lot of privacy and autonomy so that I can let me friends and family help me in those moments. But for me (and who knows, your mileage may vary), if I try to white-knuckle it and just sit alone when I'm jonesing, it's game over. I hope that's helpful, and not just sanctimonious sounding
 
The cravings are killing me. This morning, it was hours and hours (I think I PM'd you this but I figured I'd write it in my thread as well).

I barely made it through. All morning since 6am my mind was screaming at me for opiates. Screaming, every cell of my body was worked up about it. I existed as nothing but Desire. It was really fucked up and I can already feel the cravings coming back. I guess I have one obvious question right now... what the hell do I do if I relapse? I would be devastated.

That's good advice. I need to be prepared for cravings like that. To be honest I have never, ever experienced anything like that in all my life. I mean I've done fucked up shit... given away a sheet of acid for a little fucking hit, but even those desperate cravings were nothing compared to these. This was not so much a physical need. This was an extreme desire to get high. It was miserable, it was beyond the Nightmare Week I went through. And I know it is going to happen again. Probably as early as later today.

I think that picking up my guitar and shredding is good thinking for now, or getting out for a walk and just changing my surroundings.

Oh thanks for that. Yeah I've been alone fighting this. I talked to my good friend Laura though and she pretty much always helps chill me out somehow. Sometimes, people just aren't around though. I think that keeping myself preoccupied with distractions is critical. I was sitting around at first existing as nothing but Desire and that is what was killing me.

I thought I was over the worst of this shit... I feel like it's just getting started.
 
I just PM'd this to you, but will repeat it out loud... I totally understand your fear of relapsing; it's good! And we certainly want to avoid relapsing if at all possible. But personally, I found that dealing with slip ups effectively is/was a crucial part of my recovery. There's so much all-or-nothing thinking in the recovery world, and at first I fell into that, seeing each relapse as a negation of *all* progress I had made before. Relapse was just a total failure, in my eyes. But over time my thinking on this changed... I started trying to learn from each stumble. More importantly, I tried to minimize how far back a lapse would put me.

I'm by no means saying that you will relapse. I'm just saying that for many of us, messing up from time to time just comes with the very difficult nature of recovery. Again, avoid them if at all possible. But you might consider giving yourself a bit of a heads up that *if* that happens, it won't derail you.
 
That's exactly the mentality I need to have about it. A friend has said the same about a prior, much easier addiction - it's still always progress if you are fighting it and not giving in.

So if I relapse I should just post in this thread for support? Not run away?

Im not saying I am going to. I am not planning on it in any way, shape, or form. I just know it's a very real possibility after what I went through this morning. I just dosed my regular at noon, so I'm good for now. Just waiting for the slight relief. I'm really happy I made it through that, but I know it will return. Maybe next time it won't be so bad, now that I know what to expect.

I'm not touching my dose until I learn to deal with the cravings. If I drop lower, I will get sick again, and when I'm sick, I don't really crave like this. This is the part I need to learn to deal with that will be the toughest. Taking that shit kicking was relatively straight forward for me, and I never really felt like I might relapse until I started feeling better. This is going to be the toughest week of my recovery I feel (provided I make it through okay, again, I can't view mistakes as an excuse to go use chaotically again).

I know I've got this. I was sick as absolute fuck that week. I have to remind myself why I am doing this. Give myself constant reminders about where I was 11 days ago and why I decided that this was necessary. If I go back, I could lose everything. I could lose my life.

Thanks so much for all your help.
 
That's good to know. I was worried I'd be frowned upon or whatever. I would let people know right away (well... at least I hope I would - but you know how it can be).

I think I'm strong enough to get through this though. I really do, because so many terrible things have come from my addiction. It got so bad, and I have lost so much, that I am honestly at my wits end with this shit. I could have a great career going and I don't have too much more time to get well before people are going to be asking me serious questions about what I have done with my life in interviews. That is one of many reasons that I have for quitting. Maybe I should write down a list of all the reasons I can think of as to why I am choosing to fight this so hard and to quit. It would probably be about 10 pages long =D

edit... I just started doing just that and this is what I came up with off the top of my head in like a minute:


  1. I am just not myself when I’m high
  2. I stop caring about my music completely, I will even sell musical equipment I love if I'm low on pills
  3. I can’t take employment seriously and would not even bother trying to get my career going again, until I am clean
  4. You only live once. I know this has to be done. There is no better time to beat this than now. I know that if I stop now and get my shit together, I will have no regrets. If I continue to relapse and use, I will begin to live with very serious regret.
  5. Constant supply issues – running out early, sourcing pills, it’s all unnecessary if I just stop
  6. My chronic pain is the same as it ever was, and when I’m high I don’t deal with it in the natural ways that I normally do – like massage, acupuncture, good sleep every night, healthy eating, supplements, yoga… it becomes entirely about the drugs.
  7. I could die if I use again. There were many times I experienced significant respiratory depression and although I never overdosed yet (to my knowledge, I’ve passed out a lot alone), I can’t see it not happening if I continue to use in such a self-destructive manner. I’m lucky to be alive and I feel that there is a reason for it.
  8. It destroyed my last relationship. I presently really like someone but I could never have a chance with her as a junkie.
  9. The drugs take away my desire for pretty much anything else. I don’t really see a reason to hang out with friends, or family, or loved ones, or make new friends, or pursue hobbies or interests. The only reason to work is to blow all my money on drugs. It’s all about the drugs and what kind of life is that?
  10. The hundred grand that I spent just to keep myself well.
 
Last edited:
And so... I had a slip-up. I abused 20mg dilaudid yesterday. I used some of them orally at first (I don't usually use them that way), and got unexpectedly powerful effects. Then I started abusing the rest of them compulsively late into the night. I feel like I lost a part of my soul today. I feel like an emotionless zombie, I'm just unable to think straight. I feel like I was on a roll and I ran into a wall. It's going to take a few days for me to get back to where I was, and I am okay with that. I don't feel healthy... I feel weak and dehydrated when I was recovering well before. The important thing is a view it as a huge mistake and I'm certainly not happy about it. I really don't want it to happen again. It is harder for me to forgive myself the second time around. I'm going to document this on my youtube channel too, so that I can remember how hung over and shitty I feel today. After a single day of abuse. It is absolutely not worth it, and I recognize the error of my ways, as well as the trigger which led to this.

I would have edited the post above, but it wasn't allowing me to. Perhaps as a signal, that I just don't feel as great as I did back when I wrote that. It was really good to see how quickly everything falls apart. A single day of abuse ruined my day today, compared to how it would have went if I hadn't abused. I just feel so numb. Like I can't, don't want to think about anything. I feel lifeless.
 
Last edited:
Thank you. I suppose that I should have entitled this thread "My Problem With Life". The cravings have not come back yet, but I am mainly worried about how to deal with those, and also the stress without drugs that arises from a plethora of triggers.

I simply don't experience these types of cravings when I am either sick or struggling with tapering. They come afterwards, when I am feeling very well. It is an extreme desire to get high and I gave into it yesterday. I am paying for it now, and hopefully next time I can be more prepared to deal with them. It is like every cell in my body was screaming for the opiates for hours on end. I have never felt anything like that. When I'm sick... I'm just sick, I don't really want to get high when I'm sick. I'm too sick for that.

I will just add one thing - I am having extreme cravings for heroin in particular now. I am worried that my tolerance is really low now, but I would go back to it using it the same way as I did before. I am very concerned that I could kill myself doing that. See... I know the pills are never enough... but the heroin always is. That's just how I feel, and I don't want to die at 28.

I also have borderline personality disorder and I think it makes being sober very challenging for me. I am having serious relationship problems too, but I don't want to do anything drastic until I am feeling more stable. So I have just put my relationship life on hold for the moment, until I am feeling well enough to deal with that more maturely.
 
Last edited:
Shroomy -

Wow, that sucks that things got hard so quick as soon as the ex came back into the picture. I actually just wrote you a response on my thread about putting boundaries between me and my opiate source. Are you able to do that? Delete the dealers contact, or talk to your doctor, it sounds like maybe both in this case? That's when I found that my cravings became manageable - when I removed my easy access.

Keep moving in the right direction. You have come sooooooo far already!

- VE
 
I agree, I am doing really well despite the slip-up. Thanks for the support, and congrats again on 50 days! Wow, just wow : )

I wrote in your thread about the boundaries. I need to create an army of them! I feel like there is SO much more to discuss than my addiction to opiates, because I am waking up from being numb for 4 years to a fucking trainwreck. There are so many problems that I was numb to. The ex-girlfriend is one stressor of many things. I am putting my relationship life on hold for now. I don't think I should do anything drastic in such an unstable stable of mind. I feel a lot of pressure to get my career going and I'm worried that too much time has passed that I won't be taken seriously as a candidate. That is a huge fear for me. I have a million and one problems and triggers that need to be addressed if I'm going to keep myself well. I hope that I can post here about more than just my addiction.

By the way, I really look forward to reading through your whole thread VastEmpty. Congrats yet again, and remember it would be a damn shame if you stopped now.
 
Last edited:
Stuff like iboga, mushrooms and DXM helped immensely with dealing with the kind of cravings you are describing that I have experienced as part of PAWS getting off methadone. Not saying that that is the only or best way to deal with them, but it is food for thought. Entheogens are powerful stuff :)
 
Oh really? I was going to ask, but I didn't know if that was considered triggering in this section or not. Cannabis doesn't help me by the way.

I have 1 gram of Ibogaine, and 3 grams of Iboga TAE. I also have DMT. I have been considering microdosing the iboga, but there isn't much information out there on microdosing. I'm not sure if I want to do a flood dose at home...

I've been considering a spiritual experience in the near future. Possibly high dose DMT, since it is so short acting and my body needs a lot of rest. Guess you noticed my user name : )
 
DMT also can be super helpful, but like with all this stuff you must have the proper experience with them prior to going into it, or have a trustworthy guide who you can know you are safe and comfortable ttippong with, or else tripping while you're about to go into detox or while in the depths of withdrawal is just a recipe for disaster.

I found sub flood doses of iboga very helpful in withdrawal, though youd probably benefit more from tripping balls on DMT (again assuming you are already familiar with doing so) or taking DXM or something like ketamine.

If you haven't flooded on iboga before I wouldn't suggest you trying it on your own for detoxing. Like all other entheogens used for this purpose, if you aren't already pretty familiar and comfortable taking them you really have no business using them to detox without a sober companion who is and can guide you through the process safely.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top