Shit man. I can't do this. This thing called life that is...

[deadendgame]

I know I complain a lot in my posts, but due to my situation it is warranted. As you may know I'm a paranoid schizophrenic living in my parents' basement making minimum wage paying off student loans up the wazoo, and I just lost my job. On the flip side I did get Medicaid recently because it was made clear to them that I barely make enough to save my own ass. I'm addicted to mirtazapine and caffeine. In fact, I'm almost out of mirtazapine and may need a refill. My parents are giving me a little bit of reprieve, like 6 months to get my stuff together. I don't want to think of it as down time because I do need to sit down and actually study for my entrance exams. In the worst case situation I fail at those, I guess I will try to go to a trade school or do a physically intensive job that pays well. But I am damn tired, and when I'm not on caffeine, I am usually not this motivated. When you take away the caffeine/stims, you get a completely different person who can barely articulate himself. I guess caffeine is a sort of social "makeup", you know the things that girls use to cover their faces to make themselves look better than they really are. I use caffeine to make myself feel bigger than I really am. People tell me, well, you don't need the stimulants to be motivated. But that is not true! You do! You cannot be intrinsically motivated without it! Without stims, life is just a fucking grind with no pleasure whatsoever.
What I am meaning to say is that I feel that life is damn long. One of my fellow bluelighters on here told me that there was this woman who lived a humble life until she was 92, but fuck that shit, I don't want to live to old age. Heck, I would give anything if I could die tomorrow! Plz, there has to be an end to this shit. This can't keep going on. I can't keep up this act of being a morally upstanding citizen who wants to benefit society. I'm not. I'm a secretly perverted individual who likes to jack off on crystal meth but that I don't see that happening anymore so I don't see the point in living. I think I will eventually end up taking my life. I just cannot do this shit anymore. Heck, just surviving costs $1000/month x 12 months/year x 50 years = 600,000 dollars and that is talking about living with the bare essentials, no luxuries. I just don't know. My argument is life is more long than it is horrible. I'd rather kill myself and get it over with than to be at old age with alzeheimers/dementia wishing that I could've killed myself when I had the chance. Prolly by nurses guarding me in a nursing home making sure I don't die when I actually want to die right now.

 

[My3sons]

So you have a free place to live, food, an opportunity to further your education, a support system, and caffeine is your doc? What exactly is the problem?

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Life is especially hard at the end of the Empire just as it was in Egypt and Rome etc. Suicide rates are skyrocketing. You are not alone in your feelings and from what I have read and lived it doesn't usually get easier with age. Many people if the truth be told share at least some of your feelings but are afraid of death so go on living and suffering. Unfortunately each person has to do life all on their own in the end. So all I can say is I totally empathise with your plight and wish you all the best of luck whatever you choose to do about your situation. No one should have to go through the suffering you are going through but they do, all the time, lots of them and some worse off than you. Good luck.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

So you have a free place to live, food, an opportunity to further your education, a support system, and caffeine is your doc? What exactly is the problem?

I was watching a video on teen suicide in Australia yesterday and many kids with "support" systems still self harmed or attempted suicide. The ones that failed said that although people were there for them as in family and friends they wouldn't really talk to them about what they were feeling and address those feelings empathetically and realistically. The bottom line was they still felt alone and misunderstood. What impressed me about these survivors was how articulate and sensitive (in a good way) these kids were. I can see why they may have had trouble connecting with others raised on TV and the latest hair fashion with little else to say.

 

[Moreaux]

Life is hard for most of us, there's no denying that. You have a lot going on right now but you also have a lot going for you. It sounds like a change in perspective is in order as yes, things are tough but not impossible. Look at the positives - you have a place to stay with people that care about you, you have an education and are the opportunity it just focus on the next step in continuing that education, you have medical insurance, and you have your schizophrenia stabilized. I understand your situation isn't ideal but it's temporary...you won't be living this way forever.

Do you have a study plan set up for your enterance exams? If not, set aside a couple of hours everyday to prepare for them. You essentially have unlimited freedom for the next six months to just concentrate and your future and planning how you will achieve your goals.

I do see where substance may be an issue as you referenced meth. I think a lot of your frustration is stemming from stopping that - it takes a while to recovery from meth and until you do your ability to feel joy will be somewhat impaired. Along those lines, I am concerned about the way you view yourself as you call yourself a pervert for masterbating while on meth (I do remember some of your posts on that subject in other threads but aren't going to go into details here). I really don't think that makes you a pervert or makes you less of an upstanding citizen. Masterbation is normal and meth enhances that sensation. I will say kudos for stopping tre meth because eventually there would be some serious and negative consequences from long term use...I hope you are proud of yourself for taking the initiative!

I think you need to frame your present situation for what it is - a transition. You are in flux and it's normal to be stressed and apprehensive while in flux. Make sure to take time to do things you enjoy and take regular breaks from the stress. I think if you look at this moment in time for what it is and view it positively youattitude will slowly change. Try to count the positive aspects of your situation whenever you ponder the negative.

You may want to mention the caffine issue to a doctor if you've tried quitting caffine and have been left listless and tired for over a week. If your energy does not come back soon after stopping caffine there may be a larger issue in play. I have been a fan of caffine since I was a young child and can still stop it when I need to without major repercussions to my life. You may have some metabolic issues arising from some of the meds you use to manage the schizophrenia, blood tests would be able to confirm.

From an outsider's perspective you are doing great!

 

[Cdkman]

Most people I meet are great at distracting themselves and don't really deal with the emotional torture of existential depression ..they just don't care and are not introverted enough to get down to the evil/perverted/crazy side of themselves..if u meet that side of yourself and try to ignore it or deny it you get some personality issues..deep down u know you have this evil side but like u said u try to be this outstanding citizen..

u need to get comfortable that u have a side that is a crystal meth jacking off lazy fuck who wants to do nothing just like me and just like everybody.that is not everything we ar but it is a part,we have the good side that can be empathetic and loving..everybody doesn't have the same details but the idea is the same..we have our good and evil parts of us..accept who u are and don't give a fuck what anybody thinks..do your best and be who u are, don't beat yourself up for taking drugs..the confidence u get from being 100% comfortable with yourself will help u get what u want because ppl will want to help u since you are comfortable to be around and open up too

..I have no college diploma and I make 55 grand a year..I started 5 years ago at the company at 28 grand a year i almost doubled my pay in 5 years and gained credentials..I came from getting high on anything for a few years after high school working at a take out food place..u can come from anywhere and turn your life around ..I still use drugs but not the lazy party junkie that I was..find a good company where u rise by your work ethic and work your ass off..effort is between you and you

theres no secret to get motivated..I just know if I'm goin to live to be old as hell in gonna want to sit and rot in a house and not in a shelter..so money is my motivation now even tho I know the economic system is the downfall of civilization

 

[deadendgame]

Hey thanks for the help yall. I understand the gist of what yall are saying. I guess i just have to live with this bullshit like everyone else. The only reprieve i have is sleeping. The 8 to 10 hours that im asleep on remeron is the only break i get. I do feel kind of refreshed when i sleep and wake up the next day. Thanks really I appreciate it. No matter what happens, I have to choose a career where social mobility is possible. It wasnt with my previous job which is why i quit

 

[Man in the Dark]

So you have a free place to live, food, an opportunity to further your education, a support system, and caffeine is your doc? What exactly is the problem?

Thank you. What is happening to the youth today giving up so easy, is it the pussification on America? I truly believe it's the Internet and pharmaceutical companies telling these kids they need meds and can't survive without them. I am in my early 40's and spent 9 years in the military and seen some bad shit and done things I wish I didn't have too. I felt hopeless depressed and suicidial, but I pressed on because I had no choice. No one to coddle me and I was young, I didn't know it at the time but had no clue about anxiety depression meds etc.even though I was suffering daily. Nobody talked about that shit if your soft you lost. Sometimes we have to do or die. Whether that is right or wrong I don't know, but I know it got me through some serious shit.

Its a constant on here with privelaged college kids that can't make it in life, and want to kill themselves what has happened? Why The Who is me mentality of the 18-30 year olds. I hate to see people feel that way as I have struggled with it and continue to do so, but I am able to maintain and support a family.

 

[bookina]

Thank you. What is happening to the youth today giving up so easy, is it the pussification on America? I truly believe it's the Internet and pharmaceutical companies telling these kids they need meds and can't survive without them. I am in my early 40's and spent 9 years in the military and seen some bad shit and done things I wish I didn't have too. I felt hopeless depressed and suicidial, but I pressed on because I had no choice. No one to coddle me and I was young, I didn't know it at the time but had no clue about anxiety depression meds etc.even though I was suffering daily. Nobody talked about that shit if your soft you lost. Sometimes we have to do or die. Whether that is right or wrong I don't know, but I know it got me through some serious shit.

Its a constant on here with privelaged college kids that can't make it in life, and want to kill themselves what has happened? Why The Who is me mentality of the 18-30 year olds. I hate to see people feel that way as I have struggled with it and continue to do so, but I am able to maintain and support a family.

You suffered and survived, good for you, does it mean that others should suffer as well? and the fact that you survived only says something about you, and not about whether others should or should not survived. Though it seems surviving made you rather bitter and without much understanding of suffering of others.
Also, pussification is just a lame word and idea, in my opinion, and is offensive toward women, and I don't see how it helps the original poster.

deadendgame: I'm glad you have some support and some ideas for your future. And I understand the feeling. For me some therapy helps in finding things that are meaningful and make it worth going on.

 

[Man in the Dark]

You suffered and survived, good for you, does it mean that others should suffer as well? and the fact that you survived only says something about you, and not about whether others should or should not survived. Though it seems surviving made you rather bitter and without much understanding of suffering of others.
Also, pussification is just a lame word and idea, in my opinion, and is offensive toward women, and I don't see how it helps the original poster.

deadendgame: I'm glad you have some support and some ideas for your future. And I understand the feeling. For me some therapy helps in finding things that are meaningful and make it worth going on.

I appreciate your words and take them to heart as you are correct to a certain extent. I have seen the suffering of others and work to help them through, though I deal with a different Mind set of men and women who do what works for them. I was insensitive towards the poster and for that I apologize to him. Pussification has nothing to do with being offensive to women and that was not my intention . You are correct suffering has made me bitter that I can't deny. Thank you for the post.

 

[deadendgame]

It's okay guys. Thanks for posting anyway. This support system that I have is fleeting. What I mean is that it may not be there in 6 months or a year. My parents may very well tell me to gtfo very soon and i would have no recourse except go down to social services and ask for welfare, food stamps, housing, etc. I don't want to do this. I have some integrity too but if I have no choice, I would rather be doing this than be homeless. As you may know, it is difficult to find a job. Even a minimum wage job at retail I had to wait 3 weeks before they got me into the system. I'm trying to get back to school but it is really hard coming up with stuff like tuition or letters of recommendation. Like wtf, did they expect me to kiss my professors' ass for 4 years? I don't know, it is a really hard struggle for me. There is always some kind of barrier in my way to success.

 

[herbavore]

I think I have recommended this before but would your parents consider taking a family-to-family class through NAMI? If you are diagnosed with schizophrenia then you are ALREADY WORKING VERY MUCH HARDER than most of us. Have you ever gone through your county's mental health services to see if they have any support programs for helping you with either school and or work?

 

[bookina]

Man in the Dark: thanks for your reply and your words.

deadendgame: I am not sure whether it is an option where you are but my school offers a number of academic accommodations for students with mental health issues. I'm not sure whether it would hep for the application, but maybe later on?

 

[deadendgame]

Hey guys. I think I figured out the problem. I'm not gonna say exactly where I'm at, but it ain't heaven. Well, it's a place where if you die, everyone is gonna see you die. One of the metropolis I reckon. Anyways, I realize that this may account for 99% of my unhappiness. This fucking place man. I hate it. And these goddam mother fucking people just make me so angry I want to kill a bitch. These people I am talking about is my friend and family. I absolutely hate it here. Everyone I know is here and just fuck them! It's the reason why I camp indoors. I hate the ones closest to me. I have no beef with strangers. My town and the people are okay. It's just my friends from high school and college. They been giving me some shit constantly following me and asking what I do. Judging me on my schizophrenic illness. Well fuck them! I wish they fucking died. It really pains me to come to this realization that the ones closest to me are the ones hurting me the most. Where I'm at and who I know is keeping me bondage I think. I think I'm trapped in this setting in this situation with these people. But rent is $1000/month. I can't afford to be anywhere else. I don't know. I realize I gotta get out of here. At least I will feel 10 times better

 

[theredgiant]

I know I complain a lot in my posts, but due to my situation it is warranted. As you may know I'm a paranoid schizophrenic living in my parents' basement making minimum wage paying off student loans up the wazoo, and I just lost my job. On the flip side I did get Medicaid recently because it was made clear to them that I barely make enough to save my own ass. I'm addicted to mirtazapine and caffeine. In fact, I'm almost out of mirtazapine and may need a refill. My parents are giving me a little bit of reprieve, like 6 months to get my stuff together. I don't want to think of it as down time because I do need to sit down and actually study for my entrance exams. In the worst case situation I fail at those, I guess I will try to go to a trade school or do a physically intensive job that pays well. But I am damn tired, and when I'm not on caffeine, I am usually not this motivated. When you take away the caffeine/stims, you get a completely different person who can barely articulate himself. I guess caffeine is a sort of social "makeup", you know the things that girls use to cover their faces to make themselves look better than they really are. I use caffeine to make myself feel bigger than I really am. People tell me, well, you don't need the stimulants to be motivated. But that is not true! You do! You cannot be intrinsically motivated without it! Without stims, life is just a fucking grind with no pleasure whatsoever.
What I am meaning to say is that I feel that life is damn long. One of my fellow bluelighters on here told me that there was this woman who lived a humble life until she was 92, but fuck that shit, I don't want to live to old age. Heck, I would give anything if I could die tomorrow! Plz, there has to be an end to this shit. This can't keep going on. I can't keep up this act of being a morally upstanding citizen who wants to benefit society. I'm not. I'm a secretly perverted individual who likes to jack off on crystal meth but that I don't see that happening anymore so I don't see the point in living. I think I will eventually end up taking my life. I just cannot do this shit anymore. Heck, just surviving costs $1000/month x 12 months/year x 50 years = 600,000 dollars and that is talking about living with the bare essentials, no luxuries. I just don't know. My argument is life is more long than it is horrible. I'd rather kill myself and get it over with than to be at old age with alzeheimers/dementia wishing that I could've killed myself when I had the chance. Prolly by nurses guarding me in a nursing home making sure I don't die when I actually want to die right now.

Nothing lasts forever...hang in there

 

[herbavore]

I used to think getting old would be terrible. Now, I'm getting old and the truth is that there are as many positives as negatives. Things hurt more, that's for sure and I can't remember shit, but gratitude for what is comes so much easier and I rarely panic anymore having lived through panic enough times to call BS on it.

 

[AuraLee]

I think you need to cut yourself some slack. Yes, we all make good and bad choices in life but your situation is not something you can put down to character flaws. You have innate challenges from your schizophrenia that make life harder than it has to be. On the plus side, you are aware of this. That's the first step. On top of that, the caffeine and meth affect the brain to make it harder to think straight without it. Also the meth will deteriorate your thinking while high, while not high and up until you've been off it for a while.

At any moment where you have the motivation and planning abilities to be able to plan, take advantage of it and try to organise your thinking and your life. Think about what you want, what kinds of things you value, what barriers are in the way and what needs to happen to overcome them. I find that writing stuff down enables me to get perspective and organise my thoughts.

One big thing is getting away from family and friends that are bringing you down, maybe not through their fault but mere ignorance. You'll need a plan and it will take time to put in place, there are probably many steps before you can live independently. That's okay if it takes years, as long as you're moving forwards in some sense.

I think you're in a transitional stage, like the other poster said. It takes time to clarify what you want in life, and until you have a purpose, life will seem a bit dull, circular and pointless.

Two things I strongly believe are important, and at the base of recovery from any malady including mental health issues, substance abuse or generalised apathy towards life, are:

1) HOPE! That things will change, that life will get better, that you're capable of getting shit done and not being disabled. This is so key to "recovery" and the lack of it can have hugely detrimental effects all on its own.

2) purpose for life - again, without this, there's no reason not to euthanize oneself. It might take time to locate this purpose and that's okay too.

I used to have a purpose, a career path goal that gave me intense meaning, then I reached it after a million years and it wasn't everything I hoped. Crushed my soul to feel like I'd lost my main driver for life. I also felt bitter about the way my disabilities had affected my life and that I never really understood all that, or had it recognised and treated when I was younger. Then I made a new purpose: to help prevent others from suffering like I have.

So what I'm saying is your purpose can be anything that's meaningful to you, from career-wise to general values.

Another thing is shame gets in the way of growth. There's no surprise that you compulsively masturbate:
A) that's what meth does
B) you seem young so that's probably relatively normal for a lot of people
C) there's nothing better to do
D) schizophrenia, meth and masturbation all revolve around dopamine levels in the brain. A lot of your behaviours are likely to be attempts to regulate these levels, or in response to neuroreceptors that are over or undersensitive.

Meth makes this SO much worse (mirthless laugh) in the short term and long term. Creates a cycle where your brain craves the extra dopamine rush, then that excess actually damages the brain with oxidative stress, but when you try to stop it takes time to repair and readjust the natural levels. So yeah, if you only succeed at one thing, make it staying off meth!

So yeah, I think you should be kind to yourself, try to understand the ways that drugs and schizophrenia are throwing up barriers. Then instead of feeling shame, you can focus on how to counteract the shit.

 

[Moreaux]

I used to think getting old would be terrible. Now, I'm getting old and the truth is that there are as many positives as negatives. Things hurt more, that's for sure and I can't remember shit, but gratitude for what is comes so much easier and I rarely panic anymore having lived through panic enough times to call BS on it.

Very very true. There is a serenity that comes with aging and that has to do with experience. While I'm not Herbavore's yet, I have watched it happen to my parents and it's happening for me.

I absolutely adore the bolder phrase!