Day 4 came almost pleasantly compared to the rest of the suffering. I woke up, and instead of being in despair and cold, covered in sweat, I smiled, and acknowledged that I still don't feel 100% and proceeded to get dressed to make breakfast. In this moment, I realized that I am broken, I can finally admit it to myself and I can finally rebuild for real. I'm through the easy part, is what I also realized. From here on, it's going to be important to be one with how I feel, not to push it away, acknowledge craving, jealousy, anger, fear... Comfort, as I realize that these are normal feelings, and they became my beacon through dark nights. Emotions I've thought all along as something reckless and danger-filled, became the most important thing I've ever known throughout this latest withdrawal. I think what makes this different from the other times, and it comes to me that I have become acceptant of who I am and what makes me tick. I alone have the power of NO as it directly relates to my own life, I know what my triggers are, and I know what I have to do to stay on this path. I thought of being excited at how I will have my life back soon, but I've actually had my life the entire time, and I'm only kidding myself. Today is a new day, tomorrow will be another new day, and the day after that. I wish everyone that is suffering through withdrawal and other pains in life, look inside yourself for your own beacon of hope. Get determined, take control of your life, hurt through withdrawal, and then let yourself be broken by it. I feel that the only way the people like us that have addictive tendencies will be able to fix our problems, is by breaking ourselves. Only then, we can truly rebuild and shape ourselves back the way we wanted to be before we were clouded. These drugs are pain-killers, and they kill the very reason we want to be alive, not the physical pains, but the mental ones. The pain does go away, and in its wake is only inspiration. Alas, Chapter 5 complete.
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H&R Moderators: streaM Freak
I'm broken, now I can repair
- Thread starter diuqil
- Start date
MisterNotSoClean
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2016
- Messages
- 165
Great way of putting it. I've always known in some ways I'm broken. In turn, I enjoy fixing things. Finally decided to apply that skill to my own life 
Keep it up D
Keep it up D
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Well said diuqil. Well said indeed. You have the power! 
I like to think about it like this: Using opioids only provides moments of comfort. On the whole using opioids, especially illegally, creates huge amounts of stress, discomfort and dis-ease in one's life. And we are all intimately aware of the destructive, cyclical nature of addiction.
The thing is, opioids feel good. There are many social and cultural consequences of using opioids, particularly in places like the US, home to the War on Drugs, but it is worth it for many of us. There is no denying that. One would not rely on opioids to assuage one's pain if there wasn't a genuine need.
The point is, opioid use isn't actually all that comfortable or pleasurable. It doesn't come close to the bliss that good health and well being makes possible. But when we are in so much pain, existentially, emotionally, physically, whatever, that using opioids despite the stigma attached to them is worth it, well, I guess I'm just trying to say it's all very understanding.
Nice thread OP. Got me thinking
I like to think about it like this: Using opioids only provides moments of comfort. On the whole using opioids, especially illegally, creates huge amounts of stress, discomfort and dis-ease in one's life. And we are all intimately aware of the destructive, cyclical nature of addiction.
The thing is, opioids feel good. There are many social and cultural consequences of using opioids, particularly in places like the US, home to the War on Drugs, but it is worth it for many of us. There is no denying that. One would not rely on opioids to assuage one's pain if there wasn't a genuine need.
The point is, opioid use isn't actually all that comfortable or pleasurable. It doesn't come close to the bliss that good health and well being makes possible. But when we are in so much pain, existentially, emotionally, physically, whatever, that using opioids despite the stigma attached to them is worth it, well, I guess I'm just trying to say it's all very understanding.
Nice thread OP. Got me thinking
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MisterNotSoClean I wish you the best of luck with that, I have some extra glue if you need some help with any pieces getting put back together! 
You're going to have to thank yourself at the end of your suffering, you are going to experience the world that was created for you! It is such a beautiful place, filled with so much good stuff, I can't wait to hear about your success!
I agree with all of the posts of yours that I have read so far tpd, I can't wait for more future conversations with you. Your MBHR posts in your sig are a huge part of my recovery, I'd forgotten about Siddartha, I learned of him when I was very young, I think in grade six. It was really cool to read about that again, and remember that same story being told when I was such a young age!
You're going to have to thank yourself at the end of your suffering, you are going to experience the world that was created for you! It is such a beautiful place, filled with so much good stuff, I can't wait to hear about your success! I agree with all of the posts of yours that I have read so far tpd, I can't wait for more future conversations with you. Your MBHR posts in your sig are a huge part of my recovery, I'd forgotten about Siddartha, I learned of him when I was very young, I think in grade six. It was really cool to read about that again, and remember that same story being told when I was such a young age!
Diquil -
You have had the epiphany, finally. It took me a few years to quit after mine. What broke me was actually a depression issue that I blame the opiates for. But it took me awhile to come to terms with my pain and what life might look like without the opiates. I'm so glad you are on day 4! You might feel worse in the next few days - for me, it kinda comes and goes for the 5-8 days. Like, I'll have moments of "I'm gonna live!" - and then the next moments it's "I'm so NOT gonna make it through this." It's really up and down, not just down like the first few days, which is good, but not great. Just hang in there. You are doing awesome and seem to have a great attitude about this.
Keep up the good fight! I'll be here cheering you along.
- VE
You have had the epiphany, finally. It took me a few years to quit after mine. What broke me was actually a depression issue that I blame the opiates for. But it took me awhile to come to terms with my pain and what life might look like without the opiates. I'm so glad you are on day 4! You might feel worse in the next few days - for me, it kinda comes and goes for the 5-8 days. Like, I'll have moments of "I'm gonna live!" - and then the next moments it's "I'm so NOT gonna make it through this." It's really up and down, not just down like the first few days, which is good, but not great. Just hang in there. You are doing awesome and seem to have a great attitude about this.
Keep up the good fight! I'll be here cheering you along.
- VE
Thanks VE, I plan to continue. I also plan to become involved in my community and I want to try and reach out to people that are living in fear of what others might think of them if they ask for help with addiction. Since about 11am yesterday when I woke up from a 2.5 hour REAL sleep (however short, fuck it it was good!) I haven't experienced a drastic low yet. I've had a few times felt somewhat dimmed, but I didn't push away from it, I didn't get more upset because I wasn't feeling good. I just accepted it, and I continued to do what I was doing despite the negativity and it just subsided. As time wears on, I'm certain that I'm going to be successful in this. One of the things that I think is playing a huge part in how I am feeling is my diet and present lifestyle choices. I have been eating such good wholesome foods, keeping hydrated, exercising as much as I can possibly bear and being on here sharing stories with others in similar positions, it's all very positive influences on the way that I'm feeling. I can't wait to see what the next few months have in store for me, I feel like I'm heading to good places from here on out.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
This acknowledgment of being "broken" is such a powerful thing when it is divorced from fatalistic thoughts that cement it into place ("I'm broken and that is irrepairable" versus "I'm broken and I now have the opportunity to create myself anew"). This is one of the reasons that I think recovering addicts can develop such deep wells of courage and stamina in other areas of life--they are experienced in rebuilding the 'self' from the inside out. Life can break you as a person the same way addiction can. People in recovery have developed skills and strategies to rise from the ashes.
I can really relate to what you said, diquil. I too had that break through moment during my second quit attempt. I have feelings to deal with for sure, but you are so right about them becoming becons of Hope in these dark times. I got to a point where I was more afraid of where I came from (on the opiates) than the unknowns of where I was going (off the opiates). I also had about a 7 month period where I knew I was going to quit again - that gave me time to work on my mentality and decide what I wanted in life. Even though I kinda hated it, it brought me to where I'm at right now. It made me realize the difference between living and surviving.
I wonder if this is what the 12-steppers call "surrender?"
- VE
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
That is my interpretation of it. Surrender to me is like the moment that the drowning person, thrashing around hysterically in the surf, stops thrashing and gasping for air but breathing in water, takes a huge breath of air and simply floats, letting the surf rise and fall underneath. There is a strong element of faith in surrender, of trust. It's an abandonment of all the 'shoulds' and should nots' of doing and a relaxation into pure being. I think when people experience just being, they can remember what it was like to be an infant, that state of calm and peaceful observation before any judgment clouded the picture.
I can't wait to hear your update. 7 days is awesome! It's all uphill from here! Or do I say "downhill" in this case because downhill is so much easier than uphill? Either way, you made it through the toughest part. That first week!
- VE
Oh man, things just keep getting better. I sure hope this trend continues, sorry I didnt get back with an update. Girlfriend and I took a spur of the moment trip up north to see a REALLY old friend. Super happy about that. I still cant post my updates, but I promise Ill get to it! Lol!
Chris
Chris
MisterNotSoClean
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2016
- Messages
- 165
Damn man,
Glad to hear your kicking ass. Keep it up my good sir!
Glad to hear your kicking ass. Keep it up my good sir!