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I lost everything, and I'm going to end up dead.

w0w0mg

w0w0mg

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 4, 2015
Messages
848
Location
In Jail, NC
So I have not been active due to being in the hospital for almost 2 weeks.
I decided to do 5 bags of heroin laced with fentanyl in the apartment complex's office bathroom.
After doing this, I wake up 5 hours later not remembering anything and not being able to walk.
I drag myself out of the bathroom and couldn't find my pants and asked some guy to call 911.
I get to the hospital and they said that I have overdosed (obviously).
Upon running more tests they find out I have an infection in my heart.
I was also informed that I had a heavy infection in my blood as well.
They diagnosed me with Endocarditis.
I spent about 2 weeks in ED while they put 4 liters of antibiotics.
They were able to clear the infection but I now have permanent heart damage.
In this time frame, my girl friend left me, terminated the apartment lease, leaving me homeless.
She also informed my family that I had relpased and have refused to come visit me or talk to me.
The most messed up part about this story?
Not even 2 hours later, I return to the hospital due to another heroin overdose.
I had purchased a week for a hotel and got a couple of bundles of heroin.
I did 2 bags of heroin and overdosed.
The hotel evicted me and would not issue a refund.
So now I just got released from the hospital and got a new hotel.
Now does this stop me from not doing any more heroin? No.
I am still IVing heroin, literally playing russian roulette.
What is wrong with me?
I'm losing my mind, and I just can't stop.
I have nothing left. No friends or family.


I have just stopped caring and I have this feeling I may not be living too much longer.
My heart is only working 30% and my breathing is very shallow when I sleep, I wake up gasping.


I do not know what to do anymore.
I'm on probation and I know I'm going to end up violating and going to jail.
I just can't live like this anymore.
 
That is some really rough news. Can't you switch to a less damaging opioid, until your heart get's a bit better ? I know you mentioned, this condition is permanent, but I don't believe everything docs report. Some damage may be permanent but don't undererstimate the body's self-healing capabilities, when treated properly.

Your ex and family do not react responsibly, at all. When my son/ex had a serious condition like that, I would try to improve the situation, doesn't matter if he is an addict or not. I would provide him with substitution meds and help him to get into a stable state, from where you can work on improvement.

I am hesitant to recommend any alternative to Heroine, because I am not sure at all, whether they are safe to take with a recently acquired heart condition. Wouldn't low doses of morphine be less damaging ? If you really are sure, that the end is near and even if not, it is a good time to indulge in sitting "meditation". You need a suitable eastern pillow but some towels will also do. And then find a stable position and concentrate on this position and the breath. I personally think, that death is certainly not the end and preparation for the transition (empty one's mind, calm the ego) is always helpful, even if you still have years of lifetime left.

I wish you all the best and will devote some positive thoughts in my next contemplation. <3
 
Hey man. I gotta be honest with you. I don't think you're going to make it. It seems like you have trouble quitting the heroin. Get some help man! Check yourself into a suboxone clinic or psych ward or something. I feel sorry for you, but at the same time, why would you keep taking the heroin? You know, I think the problem is not the heroin itself. The problem is that the heroin you're getting is laced with impurities which may explain the cardiac side effects. Take percocet or a pharmaceutical grade opiate so at least you know what you are getting.
 
Please don't end up in the shrine. I'm sure I'm not speaking out of line when I say that everyone that has ever read your story over the past year LOVES you. You've been a massive inspiration and person I think about a lot in my darkest times when I feel like ending it.
You have overcome an extraordinary amount of bullshit in your life and have come out of the darkness soo many times. Keep fighting and do whatever you have to to do beat this.
I love you, man (no homo) and have never met you.

Much love to you
 
Thank you guys for the input. It means a lot.

Stickman Roxy said:
Please don't end up in the shrine. I'm sure I'm not speaking out of line when I say that everyone that has ever read your story over the past year LOVES you. You've been a massive inspiration and person I think about a lot in my darkest times when I feel like ending it.
You have overcome an extraordinary amount of bullshit in your life and have come out of the darkness soo many times. Keep fighting and do whatever you have to to do beat this.
I love you, man (no homo) and have never met you.

Much love to you
Click to expand...

Thank you so much bro, I'm so glad that I have been able to inspire some people, that means so much to me.
I'm just in a very dark place right now, and I feel like there is no hope.
I will keep fighting like you suggested. You're an amazing person yourself and I love you too man (no homo).

Much love homie.
 
w0w: I feel so badly when I read this story... I, as many others, have followed your story for some time. I believed, and continue to believe, that you are going to beat this addiction. But, time is running out, your health is being destroyed. I cannot imagine that you would be turned away from any residential treatment center with your recent medical history, as well as your inability to stop using in the face of dire consequences.

All hospitals have a social worker, who often arrange aftercare resources for their patients being discharged. Go back to the hospital and request an emergency meeting with the social worker. She can use her resources to find you LONG TERM INPATIENT ADDICTION TREATMENT. That is what you need asap. I really wouldn't question the quality of the treatment right now. You need to be kept safe from yourself. Sending love and positive thoughts your way.
 
Your story, chick, you dont deserve that, hun. :/
<3

How are you doing at present, shelter-wise and meds wise?
 
Ah damn man, what a rough ride! You have had a killer few months from all I've read on here.

Number 1, don't go mixing H and fent again! It probably doesn't feel like it right now, but actually you're real lucky because you're still here and still talking.

In one of the posts above you ask what's wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you, you're just hella addicted. That mixed in with using to get some relief from all the other shit in your life is a killer combo, literally.

Where you living right now? That's got to be number one on your list of things to sort right now. If you got to use to maintain, please try to keep it to the minimum required to function.

You say you got no friends left, that's not quite true. I like you, even if it's just words on a screen. As I'm sure many others on here do too. Reach out to anyone here if you need it, every little helps.

Going to keep everything crossed for you. Shame you're not in the UK or I'd be happy to help out more.
 
w0w -

I am seconding what Muzda said!

We all love you. Maybe it's just the kind of love that is only obvious when you log into BL - but it's still love. No one here wants to see anything bad happen to you. Please, please do what was suggested - get yourself into a long-term treatment center. You have tried on your own, and it's not working - time to try something else.

For now, please be as careful as possible with what you are putting in your body. As someone said previously, use the minimum necessary in order to function and concentrate on getting yourself long-term help!

Can I ask what general area you are in? I, like Muzda, wish that you were close to me so I could be of some tangible help!

- VE
 
stop doing so much that u r passing out like dat man. U miss the high neway cuz ur just sleeping. My advice is get on methadone go up to like 100mg and just chill.
 
Wow, I don't know where or how you are going to find hope again and begin to rekindle that little flame in yourself but you know, at rock bottom, that is the place that any healing has to come from. I have a weird view of self-destruction and even suicidal behaviors. I think it is a person's spirit trying to live, not die. Hope gets drained from your spirit in a toxic reality and it can seem like the only way out is to kill the body that lives in that reality. But I also believe that is not true. Human beings have an incredible capacity to completely reinvent themselves but it cannot happen without hope--or maybe even faith is a better word. Faith that you can re-set your mind. I really hope that the voices here--all those that have come to know you through words you typed out on a screen can help to remind you of your goodness and your incredible strength and courage. We see it and hope that you can see it.

You must feel like your life has been obliterated. I have been in that place before when my son died. It can be a powerful place of deep change if you do not run from it (emotionally). Keep talking to us here and don't let isolation set in. <3
 
Hey buddy sorry to hear about your recent travesty' but my friend your powerless over this. by the grace of god i got sent to prison where i had to stay sober and used the much needed dry time to heal my body and mind, its still a ongoing process i think as long as i live. Buddy you need to go to the hospital psyche ward and go from there. state ran rehabs usually take some time to get into and in your mental state atm its not time you have. Ill be praying for you
 
I dont want you to die but at the same time, i want your suffering to come to an end. When it comes down to it, you will fight to survive. I know this from experience. If you quit now, you still may have a chance. I believe that your heart and respiratory system will have a chance to regenerate if you stop using. That being said, if you keep doing what you do, that may not be the case. I wish the best for you but i hope you will realize that death is not worth any kind of high.
 
deadendgame said:
I dont want you to die but at the same time, i want your suffering to come to an end. When it comes down to it, you will fight to survive. I know this from experience. If you quit now, you still may have a chance. I believe that your heart and respiratory system will have a chance to regenerate if you stop using. That being said, if you keep doing what you do, that may not be the case. I wish the best for you but i hope you will realize that death is not worth any kind of high.
Click to expand...
Do u think hes gonna make it?Right now I'm at 50/50 but if he continues he will be the next one in the shrine
 
^ I don't really agree with speculating, but given the circumstances I going to leave this post because as horrible as it is, it may help w0w.


w0w

My heart breaks for you w0w! You have been struggling hard this past year, and right now it's not looking good. Herbavore speaks much truth, please read her post numerous times, multiple times a day until it clicks. You're at a crossroads and you have to make a decision about life. I never questioned your desire for life until now, as it seems you have lost the will to live.

I feel like you have given up on yourself, and that is the loneliest place to exist in. This is where we end up when we can self destruct no further but aren't fully dead. For some of us, the last spark of life ignites and that is enough to fuel hope for the better, and we can make the changes necessary to pick up the pieces and start anew. For others, it is a place to extinguish the embers and wait for the eventual darkness that consumes our spirit. Which would you prefer?

I am going to say something that may seem flippant to the casual reader, but I know you are limited on resources and don't have much opportunity for treatment. Have you considered writing to the show Intervention and see if they would take you? Yeah, you would end up on tv, but you would also end up in a good treatment facility as well. Consider writing them, and consider sending them the links to your withdrawal threads and other threads on this site. These are desparate times for you and I don't know how else you would get out of Pitt for longer term treatment.

While I hate that they would have to air all your pain and private details, desperate times call for desperate measures, and you are in dire circumstances. You need help, and you need help that lasts longer than 28 days, and you needed that help months ago...they may be an answer. North Carolina doesn't have the resources you need right now, at least not Pitt. They may be able to work with the legal aspects of your situation to arrange to get you to the facility you need to be. I realize it's a long shot, but I also am familiar with your area and know what you have to work with there :/

If not that, is there anyway your family will help you if you lived in the same area as them? I know you said ILM is harder for you with respect to staying clean, but you have your family here. Honestly, you can go out and score in just about any area you live at, but you can't get support in any area you live. I was only able to get clean by moving back to my hometown with my family and their support. While the town is one big trigger for me, their support was critical in my recovery. If it weren't for them I would have died a few years ago. I don't think you can do this on your own, and if you do want to achieve health I think you need to ask for help from whomever will listen.

As always, feel free to message me if you need to talk. We care about you and are here for you! Please keep us updated. Also, if you feel comfortable, message me with your first name and last initial in case we don't hear from you, so I can search to make sure you're not in the obits. I wouldn't share your personal info with anyone, but would make an announcement of something were to happen to you. Many people care about you on BL, and would want to know.
 
Sobrietysucks said:
Do u think hes gonna make it?Right now I'm at 50/50 but if he continues he will be the next one in the shrine
Click to expand...

I KNOW he is going to make it. I'm not sure how, but of course he is going to fucking make it - I refuse to believe or even entertain any thoughts that say otherwise. I've read his story, he is survivor, he is strong. He will beat this.

- VE
 
Listen here! You are not going to die! Do you understand? I refuse to accept that. None of us on here want you to die. You may have some physical ailments but this is a mental thing as well. You have to be mentally strong to survive. Tell yourself that you are going to make it. Make a plan as to what you are going to do. I have a plan for you too and that is Do not touch heroin until you get well? Do you think you can do that? You must. It's gotten to the situation where you must quit immediately if you want to live. Look, i wish the best for you and I want you to do well. I have faith that you will get better and I refuse to give up on you. But if I even as to hear that you took a single microgram of heroin after this post, then I'm sorry, I lost all hope for you. Please do not even think that you are gonna die! You're not gonna die okay!! Just stop taking the drugs plz!!!
 
deadendgame said:
But if I even as to hear that you took a single microgram of heroin after this post, then I'm sorry, I lost all hope for you.
Click to expand...
Me too.. the shit his taking is obviously killing him . There are better ways to get high, you know? I dont think he wants to die. Just bad product. What if he ODs at the wrong place at wrong time, next time? What happens if there's no narcan?
 
deadendgame said:
But if I even as to hear that you took a single microgram of heroin after this post, then I'm sorry, I lost all hope for you.
Click to expand...


If he could control his use he would :/ In the thick of active addiction it's just not that easy to stop sadly. Returning to the hospital the day of being released from a prior OD because you OD upon release is not uncommon either, many of us have done it...hell, I did it twice in one week for a total of four trips to the ER. There are a lot of mental and physical factors that motivate drug use when leaving the hospital, primarily major depression and feeling like death from the drugs they use to run support and counter the OD.

w0w - you're an incredibly strong and resilient person - that is obvious from your posts over the last year. I sincerely hope you're able to dig deep and find that spark for life and let it motivate you to climb out of this situation. I hve to wonder how much of your recent issues are stemming from U47000 PAWS, and what the short to mid term psychological effects are from discontinuation, and if those are driving the heroin use outside of regular addiction? I really hope you can figure something out - I'm sending big hugs your way. I really wish you had somebody close locally that could just spend time with so you're not alone.
 
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