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Physical attractivness- disparity

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RedRum OG

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 18, 2009
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So I've been with my girl about 2.5 years. I'm 24 she 21. She is attracted to both men and women but has never done more than kiss a girl. Recently she brought up the idea of us having a MFF relationship (committed, not open) and it took me a while, but now I like the idea a lot. Anyway so we've been looking on dating sites and occasionally going to "gay" clubs to find more open minded people.

Anyway so here's the problem. She looks at women with a gleam in her eye, jaw dropped and all. She has never once looked at me like that. Now to be blunt here's why it really gets to me: she is very attractive to me, but I'd say most guys would rate her maybe 4-5/10, she's a little chubby, which I like. I've spent years in the gym and have a very aesthetic, toned body, and my face is definitely not the problem. I get stares in public quite often, especially in the gay clubs and such. A few times girls that look like her (maybe not the most conventionally attractive, chubby) have said very clearly they would do just about anything to be with me, get nervous approaching me, etc. Not that I want to leave her, it just shows me it's not all in my head.

It's not as if she was all excited at the beginning and now the spark has died. No. It just hit me all at once that I don't think she's ever been truly physically attracted. We have sex pretty often but I now wonder if I am just filling a hole ... so to speak... and I am just convenient. I get horny looking at her all the time and tell her this. Her version is more like I'll be in the other room, she comes in, "sex?" Etc


Idk I just feel like someone out there would appreciate the shit out of the way I look and how much work I put into being healthy and having a decent body. She's also one of those girls where the nicer you are and the more attention you give, the less value you have. Friends/girls that treat her shitty are the ones she just can't stop talking about, thinking about.

And I'm sure this all comes off very cocky and misogynistic... idk a lot just hit me at once. It sucks. I've never had great self esteem, but developing my body gave me confidence again, made me feel like a man. And in a moment, that feeling disappeared. Who cares if random girls drool over me if the one I want the most doesn't even notice me

The fuck do I do. I just want to be loved and appreciated.
 
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"I've never had great self esteem..."

I can tell. You still sound like you don't, tbh. Talk with your girl. Try to find that self esteem from within. And don't involve another girl until you do feel confident. It's the wrong choice for you right now.
 
she might be a lesbian? or you might just be deluded in a hate yourself way?

difficult to tell.

truth though is that if you overload someone with compliments it inflates them and deflates their opinion of you.

compliments should be regular/occasional and heartfelt not gushing OTT.

a threesome is often the sign of a relationship where boredom has set in. not always but quite a lot of the time
 
Why would a girl want to join a stale relationship with you two?
 
Didn't say it was stale. Sex is still very inventive and enjoyable for both of us. But again, hard to tell if it's because she's attracted to me, or just cuz it feels good.

I don't know about boredom, and I'm not saying this is the best time to bring in another person but... if say, 2 people were "meant" to be in a 3 way relationship ... wouldn't there be problems with just the 2 of them?

I would more understand if we were going for casual sex stuff, that'd be a minefield. Not that this isn't risky, but relationships are always risky. It honestly seems like it's work well with the right person
 
This sounds like the way my wife looks at Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt. Granted, there's (probably ) no chance that they are going to come around, but I think it's just a life lesson, that the people who will be really attracted to you, and the people you get along with won't always (completely) be the same people.

I don't think this should be a huge deal. I mean, you're a guy with all kinds of talents and positive traits, I'm sure. If she's with you it's probably because she cares about you. Whether or not you're her fantasy is irrelevant, that's just a garbage illusion designed to get people to buy stuff all the time.

She may think these women are more attractive than you. That's ok. Doesn't mean you aren't attractive or interesting. Don't hang everything off that, it's a recipe for bad times.
 
bobby1978 said:
This sounds like the way my wife looks at Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt. Granted, there's (probably ) no chance that they are going to come around, but I think it's just a life lesson, that the people who will be really attracted to you, and the people you get along with won't always (completely) be the same people.

I don't think this should be a huge deal. I mean, you're a guy with all kinds of talents and positive traits, I'm sure. If she's with you it's probably because she cares about you. Whether or not you're her fantasy is irrelevant, that's just a garbage illusion designed to get people to buy stuff all the time.

She may think these women are more attractive than you. That's ok. Doesn't mean you aren't attractive or interesting. Don't hang everything off that, it's a recipe for bad times.
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this
 
I guess that made me feel a little better. Just... in the past there have been girls that have been interested in me as a person and were very attracted to me. It's not that I'm worried shes more attracted to other people... its that there seems to be a complete lack of any sort of physical attraction. It's just a big blow to the self esteem and yes that's selfish and negative but it's how I feel.

If a girl loved my body but didn't give a shit about my personality I'd be disappointed too. I don't think this is much different
 
RedRum OG said:
Didn't say it was stale. Sex is still very inventive and enjoyable for both of us. But again, hard to tell if it's because she's attracted to me, or just cuz it feels good.

I don't know about boredom, and I'm not saying this is the best time to bring in another person but... if say, 2 people were "meant" to be in a 3 way relationship ... wouldn't there be problems with just the 2 of them?

I would more understand if we were going for casual sex stuff, that'd be a minefield. Not that this isn't risky, but relationships are always risky. It honestly seems like it's work well with the right person
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She's been with you for 2.5 years. There's gotta to be some things she likes.
 
Did you consider that she may be "looking" at these girls with a "gleam in her eye" to seem attractive to you?

My ex used to go on and on about us having a threesome with her friends and other girls we met, but usually only during sexy time

She's ask me what I'd be doing to her and them

We'd watch lesbo porn together

It was mostly for show, from what I can tell, but that was OK for me, and I never questioned it, in order to keep it as part of the fun illusion

Another girl I was with for a while took me to a strip club once, and she seemed genuinely interested in the girl doing a pole dance. I loved the way she looked at the girl doing her thing up there, it was such a turn on!

I wouldn't be looking too far into these fantasies, just play along :)
 
My ex boyfriend told me it bothered him when I constantly commented on females being "hot" and I realized it was wrong. It made him feel bad and I wouldn't appreciate him making it obvious he's into other girls. My ex NEVER made me feel like another girl was more attractive than me. In his eyes, I was the most attractive girl he's seen.

I can understand OP being bothered. Going down the threesome road sounds like a bad idea. I also don't like that she doesn't value you when you're nicer to her. I wouldn't stay with someone if they make me feel like I'm not really the one they want to be with. You're attracted to her, but you could do better at the end of the day if you really wanted to. Depends on what you're willing to put up with. Honestly, I think she's taking you for granted and if she was thrown into the dating pool again, she would see it's not so easy for her to get a guy who looks like you and treats her the way you do.

If my partner wanted a threesome, I would feel like I'm not good enough and that's when I would have to bail, but that's just me.
 
RedRum OG said:
I guess that made me feel a little better. Just... in the past there have been girls that have been interested in me as a person and were very attracted to me. It's not that I'm worried shes more attracted to other people... its that there seems to be a complete lack of any sort of physical attraction. It's just a big blow to the self esteem and yes that's selfish and negative but it's how I feel.

If a girl loved my body but didn't give a shit about my personality I'd be disappointed too. I don't think this is much different
Click to expand...

It's NOT selfish and negative to want your girlfriend to appreciate you mentally AND physically. That's the way it should be. Doesn't matter what I think. It's up to you what you do and put up with at the end of the day.
 
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