Peace&Serenity
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 7, 2016
- Messages
- 8
*All is not lost*
I am a firm believer in drug use due to many of the leading causes brought on by childhood trauma, depression, emotionally torn, the need to fit in, an ongoing list of causes that drive a person to cope with their own demons. Demons that take over a person's mentality due to stress and emotional trauma caused by this life we live in. Everyone is brought into this world to strive and adapt to the world to make ends meet and fulfill their life to their liking. Yet everyday society, friends , work, relationships, social media, etc can affect a person's mentality and emotional state in a bad way to an extent they turn to a known or personal way of sheltering these problems. Some are better at dealing with these tests brought on everyday by everything around us. You can not hide from these. For me personally as someone striving to fit in and be liked developed bulimia and anorexia. Which in my case having both is bad because you throw up your need to live and function and are too scared to even eat a little or none at all so you starve... You seem imperfect no matter how thin you get. A very very harmful and devastating physiological disorder not many fully understand. Unless you are a doctor or someone suffering from it. When that wasn't enough I started smoking weed but weed is not harmful and was a good way to become comfortable with my eating and keeping it down because I was happy and wanted to help my mind and body by working out and being more positive. An abusive relationship, high school drama, stress at work and fear of giving up while still trying to hold on to fighting my first real addiction pushed me ( mentally, because I had a choice to let it take over me or fight it ) to take pills. Xanax, Suboxone, methadone, loratabs, Valiums, Adderall, anything. I saw how it pushed my stress and problems back far enough in my mind to where I could enjoy the feeling of the pill and be happy and go on everyday. That is until I wake up and the problems hit me in the face because instead of facing them and working through them like I should have I ran. Forced to face the fear of dealing with them every day again just made me want to take more pills and as I gained knowledge of other types of drugs enticed me to explore my options of these life enhancers. I started drinking which I still do to this day as I am right now because it made me more open minded and social which helped my anxiety and helped me be more enthusiastic. Kind of silly but I was a very shy person and I got very nervous talking to people. Years of childhood therapy due to things that happened in my childhood with my father helped me move forward but it also repressed a lot of my social and motor skills to where I felt as small and quiet as a ant in a crowd of elephants. Getting drunk and smoking weed was my go to thing in high school. At this point the other part of my past that has took part in my present state was the most horrible 3 years of my life. Abuse physically, because he introduced me to cocaine and became quite violent, emotional because he cheated on me constantly and said I was never going to be good enough which just triggered my eating disorders again. I was so angry at how good I did trying to fight it probably not the best or healthiest way to overcome it but everyone has their way good or bad. And mentally because he was that first love everyone has. That puppy lovee, at the moment it's real to you but it's nothing but a tradgey in the end leaving you distraught and unsure about yourself, scared to be committed to someone again because you were told everyday for so long that you were never good enough. That also is when I started causing self harm. Cutting so deep and so much my arms were a sad reminder of my mental weakness and situation. One that I could leave at any moment I choose but stayed. Was it the drugs and the puppy love that kept me drawn in despite the disaster behind closed doors. I know so. Eventually I guess all this shit caused me to grow balls and tell the piece of shit how it was which did not end good because years of bottled up resentment and anger came to light. I started college and continued my weed and alcohol consumption with seldom pill taking. Had to stay focused in class. But once again I fell off the train and dropped out. After one semester and I hate myself for it. Another chance at bettering my life and I ruined it. Personally. Skipping ahead I started doing cocaine daily. It's like I became more prominent, I felt like I had more of a voice and I stood out of that crowd of elephants for once I felt tall. I hate to admit that drugs brought me out of my little shelter but i am glad nonetheless. Not taking shit from no one and standing up for myself. I've never done heroin or crack or anything like that but the last drug I tried would end up being my worst demon yet. Crystal meth wrapped me in a blanket of fucking euphoria and dominance. I became more independent than everr. I held down a good jobb, took care of my blind grandmother who by the way during these years I have lived with her and my brothers but never let my drugs or situations put them thru any type of stress or harm. I love tattoos but the thought of shooting up freaked me out. I snorted and smoked. Then one day I tried it and from that exact moment I signed my name to the mental bondage of meth. I could have resisted I had every sense of my willpower available but in all the drugs I had tried to best find to shelter myself, and even though I had been doing meth already this type of intake brought this shit to a whole new level. A drug that I could consume to maintain my happiness and dominant stature but I was in control and didn't let it affect my work and such... For long anyways. I became dependent on that needle. That rush. Nothing could beat that intensity. Due to one most horrible Comedown and massive headache I gave myself drinking shit loads of beer to try and get rid of the aches I quit my good job. Manager in training. Had my shit going. The needle was slowly but surely inching it's way into my life. But it eventually hits me faster than I can even begin to handle it. I am more aggressive, violent, and ill but really I only feel these on comedowns. I'd stay awake for days and the urge to rest my body and feed my ever shrinking body that needle would not go without a fight. I had to force it to leave my mind alone. For several months now I have had several bad hits, missed shots and loss of self control. I tell my self I need to stop and ill quit for a couple weeks and in right back in its devastating presence. My veins on the inner elbows are bruised, and they hurt immensely. My chest and shit always hurts, I've seen clots in my arms, circulation sucks ass and I'm smaller and weaker than ever. My mental state as of now is almost distant but it's close enough that I have for a couple days now wanted to seek some kind words of encouragement or someone saying it's going to be okay instead of your just high you don't know what u want. I'm on day 4 right now and mentally I have never felt so helpless and depressed in my life. I could have prevented all this but that's what comes with an addiction.As of now I am sitting here writing this hoping someone reads this or reaches out. Just a few words of wisdom or something I crave it. I crave to be okay again, I crave to have a successful career and children and while I am fixing to be 25 I know it's not yet to late. I'm stuck in a hole in the ground and I need a hand to lift me up. God has always been there for me, I pray alot, he has never let me down. But only I physically and shit can help myself. I have to be the one to say okay I'm doing this. And that is exactly what I'm doing. Why judge and resent or hate drug users when they are just people like you and me. Were human, non perfect yet still living and breathing. You have problems just like we do but since we tend to out do the weight of them in our own way that is harmful to our body and mind and illegal we are the bad people. We seek help on a daily basis, with every hit, every drink, every pill. People say that we will never change or they would help us if we would come to them but when we do we are criticized, ridiculed, made out to be a joke, or we are just to high to be incapable to know what were talking about. I seek help and until I find it I will keep my willpower strong while I still have it. If no one reads this I will still feel better having written this because it's my feelings I have expressed and I feel better getting it out. I hope everyone comes over their addictions and until theyy do don't ever give up and think you can't or will never get out of this. To every dark side there is light. But we can't get through the dark without a helping hand. ???
I am a firm believer in drug use due to many of the leading causes brought on by childhood trauma, depression, emotionally torn, the need to fit in, an ongoing list of causes that drive a person to cope with their own demons. Demons that take over a person's mentality due to stress and emotional trauma caused by this life we live in. Everyone is brought into this world to strive and adapt to the world to make ends meet and fulfill their life to their liking. Yet everyday society, friends , work, relationships, social media, etc can affect a person's mentality and emotional state in a bad way to an extent they turn to a known or personal way of sheltering these problems. Some are better at dealing with these tests brought on everyday by everything around us. You can not hide from these. For me personally as someone striving to fit in and be liked developed bulimia and anorexia. Which in my case having both is bad because you throw up your need to live and function and are too scared to even eat a little or none at all so you starve... You seem imperfect no matter how thin you get. A very very harmful and devastating physiological disorder not many fully understand. Unless you are a doctor or someone suffering from it. When that wasn't enough I started smoking weed but weed is not harmful and was a good way to become comfortable with my eating and keeping it down because I was happy and wanted to help my mind and body by working out and being more positive. An abusive relationship, high school drama, stress at work and fear of giving up while still trying to hold on to fighting my first real addiction pushed me ( mentally, because I had a choice to let it take over me or fight it ) to take pills. Xanax, Suboxone, methadone, loratabs, Valiums, Adderall, anything. I saw how it pushed my stress and problems back far enough in my mind to where I could enjoy the feeling of the pill and be happy and go on everyday. That is until I wake up and the problems hit me in the face because instead of facing them and working through them like I should have I ran. Forced to face the fear of dealing with them every day again just made me want to take more pills and as I gained knowledge of other types of drugs enticed me to explore my options of these life enhancers. I started drinking which I still do to this day as I am right now because it made me more open minded and social which helped my anxiety and helped me be more enthusiastic. Kind of silly but I was a very shy person and I got very nervous talking to people. Years of childhood therapy due to things that happened in my childhood with my father helped me move forward but it also repressed a lot of my social and motor skills to where I felt as small and quiet as a ant in a crowd of elephants. Getting drunk and smoking weed was my go to thing in high school. At this point the other part of my past that has took part in my present state was the most horrible 3 years of my life. Abuse physically, because he introduced me to cocaine and became quite violent, emotional because he cheated on me constantly and said I was never going to be good enough which just triggered my eating disorders again. I was so angry at how good I did trying to fight it probably not the best or healthiest way to overcome it but everyone has their way good or bad. And mentally because he was that first love everyone has. That puppy lovee, at the moment it's real to you but it's nothing but a tradgey in the end leaving you distraught and unsure about yourself, scared to be committed to someone again because you were told everyday for so long that you were never good enough. That also is when I started causing self harm. Cutting so deep and so much my arms were a sad reminder of my mental weakness and situation. One that I could leave at any moment I choose but stayed. Was it the drugs and the puppy love that kept me drawn in despite the disaster behind closed doors. I know so. Eventually I guess all this shit caused me to grow balls and tell the piece of shit how it was which did not end good because years of bottled up resentment and anger came to light. I started college and continued my weed and alcohol consumption with seldom pill taking. Had to stay focused in class. But once again I fell off the train and dropped out. After one semester and I hate myself for it. Another chance at bettering my life and I ruined it. Personally. Skipping ahead I started doing cocaine daily. It's like I became more prominent, I felt like I had more of a voice and I stood out of that crowd of elephants for once I felt tall. I hate to admit that drugs brought me out of my little shelter but i am glad nonetheless. Not taking shit from no one and standing up for myself. I've never done heroin or crack or anything like that but the last drug I tried would end up being my worst demon yet. Crystal meth wrapped me in a blanket of fucking euphoria and dominance. I became more independent than everr. I held down a good jobb, took care of my blind grandmother who by the way during these years I have lived with her and my brothers but never let my drugs or situations put them thru any type of stress or harm. I love tattoos but the thought of shooting up freaked me out. I snorted and smoked. Then one day I tried it and from that exact moment I signed my name to the mental bondage of meth. I could have resisted I had every sense of my willpower available but in all the drugs I had tried to best find to shelter myself, and even though I had been doing meth already this type of intake brought this shit to a whole new level. A drug that I could consume to maintain my happiness and dominant stature but I was in control and didn't let it affect my work and such... For long anyways. I became dependent on that needle. That rush. Nothing could beat that intensity. Due to one most horrible Comedown and massive headache I gave myself drinking shit loads of beer to try and get rid of the aches I quit my good job. Manager in training. Had my shit going. The needle was slowly but surely inching it's way into my life. But it eventually hits me faster than I can even begin to handle it. I am more aggressive, violent, and ill but really I only feel these on comedowns. I'd stay awake for days and the urge to rest my body and feed my ever shrinking body that needle would not go without a fight. I had to force it to leave my mind alone. For several months now I have had several bad hits, missed shots and loss of self control. I tell my self I need to stop and ill quit for a couple weeks and in right back in its devastating presence. My veins on the inner elbows are bruised, and they hurt immensely. My chest and shit always hurts, I've seen clots in my arms, circulation sucks ass and I'm smaller and weaker than ever. My mental state as of now is almost distant but it's close enough that I have for a couple days now wanted to seek some kind words of encouragement or someone saying it's going to be okay instead of your just high you don't know what u want. I'm on day 4 right now and mentally I have never felt so helpless and depressed in my life. I could have prevented all this but that's what comes with an addiction.As of now I am sitting here writing this hoping someone reads this or reaches out. Just a few words of wisdom or something I crave it. I crave to be okay again, I crave to have a successful career and children and while I am fixing to be 25 I know it's not yet to late. I'm stuck in a hole in the ground and I need a hand to lift me up. God has always been there for me, I pray alot, he has never let me down. But only I physically and shit can help myself. I have to be the one to say okay I'm doing this. And that is exactly what I'm doing. Why judge and resent or hate drug users when they are just people like you and me. Were human, non perfect yet still living and breathing. You have problems just like we do but since we tend to out do the weight of them in our own way that is harmful to our body and mind and illegal we are the bad people. We seek help on a daily basis, with every hit, every drink, every pill. People say that we will never change or they would help us if we would come to them but when we do we are criticized, ridiculed, made out to be a joke, or we are just to high to be incapable to know what were talking about. I seek help and until I find it I will keep my willpower strong while I still have it. If no one reads this I will still feel better having written this because it's my feelings I have expressed and I feel better getting it out. I hope everyone comes over their addictions and until theyy do don't ever give up and think you can't or will never get out of this. To every dark side there is light. But we can't get through the dark without a helping hand. ???
Good luck!