Nixiam
Bluelighter
It keeps life interesting.
Getting new hydrocodone script.
Getting new hydrocodone script.
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Cosmic Trigger
Bluelighter
It is a hypocrisy so why bother being dishonest? Drugs are an answer. They are not "the" answer but then what is? You are an unusually honest poster from what I've seen. Life is fucked up and hard. Suffering is par for the course. I think you can handle that knowledge, so you don't have to pretend things aren't fucked no matter what and there is little we can do about it ultimately.
I hope you don't take this as a criticism. I think you rock.
swilow
Bluelight Crew
Drugs are not a really useful solution. Effective at times, often not or not for long.
My bro is a bit better now BTW. Less...batshit insane, more normal insane.
My bro is a bit better now BTW. Less...batshit insane, more normal insane.
belligerent drunk
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Sep 16, 2015
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- 3,482
Glad to hear that swilow.
Cosmic Trigger, I guess the point of what I'm saying is that there may be people who are not so deep into the whole self-medicating business. Nixiam comes to mind, who is young and is experimenting with drugs to alleviate emotional pain, which most of us do. What I'm trying to say is that while you're still on the crossroads, you can try to back off and find other forms of relief.
I think throughout your years, you've also come to realize that drugs only offer temporary relief. After a while it becomes a chore, and dependence sets in. It's a nasty path to take. If I feel like I can direct somebody away from that path when they're at the crossroads, and they avoid becoming a junkie, then I've at least done something well. It is hypocrisy, but it's well-intended one if you catch my drift.
Cosmic Trigger, I guess the point of what I'm saying is that there may be people who are not so deep into the whole self-medicating business. Nixiam comes to mind, who is young and is experimenting with drugs to alleviate emotional pain, which most of us do. What I'm trying to say is that while you're still on the crossroads, you can try to back off and find other forms of relief.
I think throughout your years, you've also come to realize that drugs only offer temporary relief. After a while it becomes a chore, and dependence sets in. It's a nasty path to take. If I feel like I can direct somebody away from that path when they're at the crossroads, and they avoid becoming a junkie, then I've at least done something well. It is hypocrisy, but it's well-intended one if you catch my drift.
Xorkoth
Bluelight Crew
^^ Agreed. I think in many cases (not all though, for example someone with chronic, incurable pain may benefit from taking opiates even if they are addicted), use of drugs to the point of addiction only makes things a lot worse after an initial period of it helping, because your emotional state becomes harder to deal with than it used to be. I know for me, I was using opiates to block the pain of my bad.abusive relationship. At first it worked well, but after a while I became addicted and due to the emotional instability of that, and the constant financial stress, and the resulting destruction of my self-esteem, my life became tremendously worse than it would have been without them. I know when I said something to Nixiam about avoiding using opiates, I was thinking about my own experience and the hindsight I have from that.
If you've been on drugs for a long time it can be very hard to remember what it was like before. I know that for me, I just thought my life had become horrible and that something was wrong with me. Well, something was wrong with me, I was hopelessly addicted to opiates for a long time. Once I got clear of that things took a turn for the better pretty quickly and I realized that all of my problems were exacerbated by my addiction, and using opiates was my only remaining coping mechanism, not only for my problems I had been masking, but for dealing with the addiction itself, which had become my primary problem at some point when I wasn't looking.
If you've been on drugs for a long time it can be very hard to remember what it was like before. I know that for me, I just thought my life had become horrible and that something was wrong with me. Well, something was wrong with me, I was hopelessly addicted to opiates for a long time. Once I got clear of that things took a turn for the better pretty quickly and I realized that all of my problems were exacerbated by my addiction, and using opiates was my only remaining coping mechanism, not only for my problems I had been masking, but for dealing with the addiction itself, which had become my primary problem at some point when I wasn't looking.
Nixiam
Bluelighter
I'm at that point where I know I'm doing something wrong, but there isn't anything else I can do. Bouncing around from this anti depressant to bipolar medicines (which I totally don't have), all kind of feels painfully useless after none of it works.
I'm just waiting for the therapy to do something. I had to cancel today because my mother was starting her fentanyl withdrawls, but we got her some shitty fent patches so the pain in her kidneys go away, at least 40%.
I'm taking a break from opiates. Just for couple weeks. Just to see how it goes.
On the other hand, Swilow, I'm glad to hear your brother is doing better.
I'm just waiting for the therapy to do something. I had to cancel today because my mother was starting her fentanyl withdrawls, but we got her some shitty fent patches so the pain in her kidneys go away, at least 40%.
I'm taking a break from opiates. Just for couple weeks. Just to see how it goes.
On the other hand, Swilow, I'm glad to hear your brother is doing better.
drug_mentor
Bluelight Crew
My bro is a bit better now BTW. Less...batshit insane, more normal insane.
I am glad to hear/read that mate.
belligerent drunk
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Sep 16, 2015
- Messages
- 3,482
Mental illness within the close family circle is, sadly, a burden on everybody. My mother has been going through bouts of psychosis (stemming from her schizophrenia) in the past few days, which is why I've been quite down and been compensating for it by bombarding my CNS with drugs that should not be there. Wish I knew better, but at times it's the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
swilow
Bluelight Crew
^That is difficult. Its bad because you can feel guilt when you consider the illness of aloved one to be burdensome but we're humans, it is. I've really not wanted to see my brother and have seen him less than perhaps I should have. What's the point though when I feel quite fucked in my own, albeit lesser, way...
I know the feeling. I can have days where I am absolutely loathing existence, replete with all manner of delusional bullshit thinking, and than the tension just ceases if I conclude that taking a drug will be happening. But lately I never feel 100% at ease or content no matter what. Even the beautiful euthymia of opiates/benzo mix isn't completely effective. Which is probably good, such use never ends well for me.
I haven't taken any hard drugs, just weed, for a few days and have had pretty shit days but by no means terrible. I can't see myself ever really giving this shit up.![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
I hope it helps you, whatever therapy you are doing.
I wonder if you can do anything to help its progress along?
Peace.
***
Thanks for the thoughts too Drug Mentor and Nixiam.
B_D said:
I know the feeling. I can have days where I am absolutely loathing existence, replete with all manner of delusional bullshit thinking, and than the tension just ceases if I conclude that taking a drug will be happening. But lately I never feel 100% at ease or content no matter what. Even the beautiful euthymia of opiates/benzo mix isn't completely effective. Which is probably good, such use never ends well for me.
I haven't taken any hard drugs, just weed, for a few days and have had pretty shit days but by no means terrible. I can't see myself ever really giving this shit up.
Nixiam said:
I hope it helps you, whatever therapy you are doing.
I wonder if you can do anything to help its progress along?Peace.
***
Thanks for the thoughts too Drug Mentor and Nixiam.
swilow
Bluelight Crew
Never had much effect from things like ginseng, nothing overly apparent at least... What about caffeine?
Xorkoth
Bluelight Crew
Coca tea is quite nice, less side effects than caffeine, smoother, nicer feeling. I also like guayusa tea, it's a leaf from the Amazon related to yerba mate but a little different. I have kudzu growing in my yard, and kudzu tea from the fresh leaves is actually quite nice, energizing and tonic-feeling. Of course I seriously doubt you've got kudzu where you live. As for me, I got this vine that grows 6-12 inches a day from each of its ends, if I don't keep it under control it'll take over my whole yard. It makes a nice tea, but there's only so much of it I can drink...
Xorkoth
Bluelight Crew
Ah, in terms of nootropics, piracetam is the landmark, it's quite useful as a mental focuser, with it I find my word recall and multitasking abilities are notably increased, and my mental stamina is higher, but it does not have any physically stimulating effects. There are a variety of analogues of piracetam too. Some of them are also physically stimulating. I use sunifiram sometimes, it has the nootropic effects as well as a light stimulation. Hydergine is my favorite nootropic, it's related to LSD in that it's an ergoloid (ergoloid mesylates, it's actually a blend of several ergoloids). It has a wide range of positive effects, it's quite nootropic and it also seems very balancing on the emotions. Albert Hofmann (the inventor of LSD) took it regularly and he lived to be 102 years old, and was very mentally there his whole life, still giving speeches and such at 100. I used to take hydergine for a while, and it really helped me through a difficult period of depression and anxiety. it's pretty expensive though, and can be a pain to get your hands on. Noopept (a nootropic peptide) is also quite good.
I like to occasionally do runs of nootropics, I used to take them all the time but I find they're best when taken for maybe a month every day, and then given a break.
Phenibut is something I use regularly, it's not really a nootropic but it's pretty amazing, when I dose it right I feel like I'm having the best day, I feel inspired, positive, glowing really, and it produces an interesting relaxed stimulation. It's one of my favorite substances. However it's more of a drug than the nootropics are, and is also physically addictive if you do it too often. At the moment I'm doing it every other day, it helps me to get into the zone for playing music especially. I have a slight amount of dependence on it, it's pretty easy to taper down at this level by skipping a day, dealing with a bit of anxiety, and then doing every third day, then every fourth, etc. Probably about time for me to reduce my use because I don't like the feeling of dependence, but it's just so damn useful...
Yerba mate and guayusa contain caffeine but in a MUCH gentler way than coffee, honestly coffee is about the roughest possible form of caffeine. Mate and guayusa contain a whole bunch of vitamins and minerals too, they're good tonics.
I like to occasionally do runs of nootropics, I used to take them all the time but I find they're best when taken for maybe a month every day, and then given a break.
Phenibut is something I use regularly, it's not really a nootropic but it's pretty amazing, when I dose it right I feel like I'm having the best day, I feel inspired, positive, glowing really, and it produces an interesting relaxed stimulation. It's one of my favorite substances. However it's more of a drug than the nootropics are, and is also physically addictive if you do it too often. At the moment I'm doing it every other day, it helps me to get into the zone for playing music especially. I have a slight amount of dependence on it, it's pretty easy to taper down at this level by skipping a day, dealing with a bit of anxiety, and then doing every third day, then every fourth, etc. Probably about time for me to reduce my use because I don't like the feeling of dependence, but it's just so damn useful...
Yerba mate and guayusa contain caffeine but in a MUCH gentler way than coffee, honestly coffee is about the roughest possible form of caffeine. Mate and guayusa contain a whole bunch of vitamins and minerals too, they're good tonics.
Thanks, that's a lot to try out
I'd also like to try DMAE which is a popular smart drug. And Ashwaganda is meant to be a great nervous system tonic and give relaxaion from stress.
For myself, I can really recommened an Arginine/Ornithine combo, just about 500-1009 grams each. Arginine is a really good gentle stimulant and the Ornithine is more calming and makes it a bit smoother. I had some yesterday and was amazed by how well it worked, even slightly euphoric.
I'd also like to try DMAE which is a popular smart drug. And Ashwaganda is meant to be a great nervous system tonic and give relaxaion from stress.
For myself, I can really recommened an Arginine/Ornithine combo, just about 500-1009 grams each. Arginine is a really good gentle stimulant and the Ornithine is more calming and makes it a bit smoother. I had some yesterday and was amazed by how well it worked, even slightly euphoric.
Xorkoth
Bluelight Crew
Oh yeah, DMAE is pretty good. Also, centrophenoxine is a form of DMAE that's more readily bioavailable or something like that. It tastes horrific though, whereas DMAE tastes pretty sweet, quite pleasant. Not that that matters.
L-arginine is also a vasodilator, which can be handy to have around. I know for me, I love DOC (the psychedelic amphetamine), but it causes some vasoconstriction which can occasionally get bothersome. Preloading with L-arginine really helps that.
In other news, I just realized I have had 2 grams of AMT in my freezer for 4 months and I've only used it once, and in fact I rarely remember I even have it. That's cool because in 2006-2007, I abused AMT horribly, it was a real problem, I was doing it 3-5 times a week, days in a row. Good to know I can control myself better these days.
L-arginine is also a vasodilator, which can be handy to have around. I know for me, I love DOC (the psychedelic amphetamine), but it causes some vasoconstriction which can occasionally get bothersome. Preloading with L-arginine really helps that.
In other news, I just realized I have had 2 grams of AMT in my freezer for 4 months and I've only used it once, and in fact I rarely remember I even have it. That's cool because in 2006-2007, I abused AMT horribly, it was a real problem, I was doing it 3-5 times a week, days in a row. Good to know I can control myself better these days.
Xorkoth
Bluelight Crew
Sounds like a strange flavor combo, how does it taste?
Yeah tea is a nice source of caffeine. I use caffeine daily, sometimes coffee, sometimes pure caffeine in powder or pills (which I prefer, much cleaner feeling).
Yeah tea is a nice source of caffeine. I use caffeine daily, sometimes coffee, sometimes pure caffeine in powder or pills (which I prefer, much cleaner feeling).
vortech
Bluelighter
I have to agree with the overall tone of this thread currently. It's funny how I'm still learning from the teachings of my own book, about balance and other forms of energy work such as yoga, breathwork, mindfulness meditation etc. , as the path to thrive in a sustainable fashion when drugs are no longer the primary tool of focus. I have my book hosted on archive.org now as the official landing spot for it, here https://archive.org/details/AMultidisciplinaryMXEAnalysis-Vortech I think 99% of the typos have been edited by this point.