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Getting Clean & Keeping it from Loved Ones

Dusk

Dusk

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 1, 2009
Messages
134
Location
East Coast Beachesss
So I've been using opiates off and on for almost 5 years now.

For the past 4 months, I've been shooting a bun a day until I've come to get so sick of the life and decide it's time to get off and stay off.

I'm 9 days clean from dope and today is my first day jumping off from an 8 day 8mg suboxone taper.

Physically, I feel good but during my 4 month binge I began a relationship with a girl whom had no idea of my habit. I now really feel the desire to come clean with her as well and get over this together but I'm afraid of the betrayal she will probably feel towards me, and more so the chaos a breakup would cause as she works with me. She is a good girl, only smoking weed and drinking occasionally. So I can't see her taking it well at all.

She has noticed a mood change with me and is constantly asking what's wrong.

Does anyone have experience with this and if so, feel free to share.


Thanks
 
Why are you getting off Suboxone so soon? What kind of support outside your girl do you have (therapist, fanily, friends, recovery support community like Smart Recovery, NA or Refuge Recovery)? You are gonna need help from others in recovery with significant experience in it to help you deal with these and other questions that will come up in your journey.

For now I would tell her that you have been going through some help problems recently. Explain to her that you are working with a doctor or therapist or something to get to the root cause of this or something. Ideally you wouldnt lie to her lile that if you arent seeing a doctor or therapist, but you need a way to explain that you are dealing with whatever symptoms she is noticing, without actually telling her you have a history or problematic drug use or addiction. If you absolutely have to tell her, avoid the word addiction for now and explain things in terms of drug misuse, not abuse, and problematic drug use, as opposed to addiction, in order to aboid any misunderstanding on her part that the stigma of drug abuse and addiction cause people uneducated in addiction or drug use to often have.

I would try and introduce the subject of addiction to her in an object or neutral way. Like show her educational videos on youtube or talk to her about recovery and your feelings about it without necessarily coming out to her about your personal struggle. Once you have gauged her feelings and know she wont look down on you for your history of problematic drug use, I would then think about opening up and coming out to her. After all, youre clean now and you have accomplished something amazing you should be very proud of and she should be very impressed with in getting clean.

Above all else, Id wait to you have srabalized a bit more and been sober for at least a month and have a clearer idea of what sobriety will look like and mean FOR YOU (even if there are some common denominators, everyone's definition and experience of sobriety and life in recovery will be a bit different) before you come out and share this significant side of your life with her. I know the urge to come clean and open up to loved ones, but you would most benefit from doing this in a calm, methodical, skillful way. Take your time coming out to her, as youll be in recovery for the rest of your life and hopefully she isnt going anywhere. There is no rush, and rushing will only cause you problems.
 
Thanks for the response toothpaste

I wanted to do a quick taper/detox in order to not get dependent on suboxone as well as being legitimately clean and not just trading one addiction for another.

Fortunately I do have some support from my roommate, close friends, and a few co-workers who have being living a clean and sober life.

It's not so much physical symptoms she is noticing but my attitude in general has shifted. I went from an out-spoken, loved-up, cute and flirty boyfriend to one whom seems less concerned. She told me numerous times, after and during my time getting clean, she has felt 'forgotten'

I really hope that it wasn't the dope that made me so into her but you're absolutely right with giving it some time before making any rash decisions.
 
You are very welcome. Always happy to help.

The whole trading one addiction for another idea is bullshit. It has long been propogated by fanatical or dogmatic 12 Step "abstinence only" folks hell bent on keeping people from forms of treatment they truly do not understand, legitimate forms of treatment that are newer, more advanced and much more successful in treating opioid addiction than any 12 Step based, abstinence only model.

The myth that opioid replacement therapy and medicine assisted treatment is not in the addicts best interest is incredibly misleading and harmful. It keeps the most effective forms of treatment from the people who need it most, limiting access in a small, narrow minded pathetic kind of way. It is very sad for those of us who understand how much safer, more effective and life saving Suboxone and methadone are compared to all the current alternative - most of all compared to abstinence based 12 Step models.

Abstience is the goals of Suboxone and methadone treatment, 12 Steppers always forget this fact. ORT and MAT just go about accomplishing meaningful recovery and an eventual, successful transition to an abstinent lifestyle in a different way than the 12 Step, "get sober right now even if you dont really feel comfortable about it," or "until you have to hit rock bottom" mentalities do.

Just because becoming fully abstinent takes longer using MAT and ORT doesnt mean that one cant get sober and clean as soon as they begin taking methadone or Suboxone (actuall stopping all non prescribed drug use and any other form of drug misusw makes the treatment much more effective, and is relatively easy to do once you have stabalized on your ORT/MAT).

If anything, it is good becoming technically abstinent from all substances one could potentially misuse is best done as slowly and gradually as is safely possible when it comes to addiction to drugs that cause serious biological dependency and lead to intense symptoms of acute withdrawal (such as opioids, alcohol and benzodiazepines). It gives one plenty of time to develop the most effective foundations for his or her recovery and a strong support system up abd running BEFORE attemping to withdrawal from all dependency causing drugs.
 
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She didn't know you were doing opiates and now you're 9 days clean. I would suggest getting some more clean time under your belt before you tell her. If you tell her your situation, she might just become a helicopter girlfriend and always be in your business. That's not something you necessarily need or want in early recovery. Since you already have a support group, I don't see how telling her will help your situation. Especially if you happen to relapse, which is common in early recovery. My suggestion, hold off and don't tell her. If she finds out, just tell her you didn't want her to worry about you.
 
Ya i wouldnt say shit. It might cause some unneeded drama that you dont want to deal with. Especially right now. Let it be. You wanna tell her cause its gonna make you feel better. It might hurt her tho. There is no sense in bringing something to the table that might cause damage.
 
The questions you need to ask yourself:

1. Will it help you to have them hear it?
2. Will the knowledge help them to understand you?
3. Can you get a sober support network outside of them?
4. Will it change your relationship negatively if they know?
 
Nice post! That really hits the nail on the head. One of rhe biggest mistakes I made in early recovery was telling my mom I was a heroin addict. The fucking 12 Step rehab I was in encouraged me to tell people about my condition, and they had pretty much brain washed me as I knew nothing about recovery and was a wet behind the ears type newcomer. If I had waited until I had some real time under my belt to open up to her and others I would have been infinitely better off.
 
Yes it just creates suspicion of the addict. In all honesty, if addiction was not so stigmatized and viewed as a moral failing I would have an easier time telling people.
 
If it wasn't for methadone maintenance, I would not have gotten sober and maintained my sobriety for any length of time. March 15 began my 5th year off dope. I am likely alive today because of it.
 
And, you just might not be that into her now that your not high. It's very possible, just sayin....
 
Thanks for everyone's words of advice.

She ended up showing up at my house last night, we had plans to hang out after she got off work but I fell asleep. We had a long conversation and I ended up coming out and telling her I was misusing (thanks toothpaste) pain pills for 5 years off and on and has been using daily since I had met her. She took it surprisingly well, telling me she wanted to help in anyways possible. I also explained to her why I had been so distant and she quickly agreed if I needed time to myself she was happy to give it.

All in all, i'm really glad I came out and told her (some of) the truth. It helped to explain away a lot of my erratic behavior as well as my low energy and enthusiasm. I explained I was using suboxone to help ease with the withdrawal and she offered to take the rest as to not be a temptation and was all around really supportive.

I realize I probably could have waited a bit longer but the weight that came off when I got that much off my chest to her was amazing. I think it's helped get me closer to her as well instead of putting up these walls of lies and deceit.
 
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Dusk said:
Thanks for everyone's words of advice.

She ended up showing up at my house last night, we had plans to hang out after she got off work but I fell asleep. We had a long conversation and I ended up coming out and telling her I was misusing (thanks toothpaste) pain pills for 5 years off and on and has been using daily since I had met her. She took it surprisingly well, telling me she wanted to help in anyways possible. I also explained to her why I had been so distant and she quickly agreed if I needed time to myself she was happy to give it.

All in all, i'm really glad I came out and told her (some of) the truth. It helped to explain away a lot of my erratic behavior as well as my low energy and enthusiasm. I explained I was using suboxone to help ease with the withdrawal and she offered to take the rest as to not be a temptation and was all around really supportive.

I realize I probably could have waited a bit longer but the weight that came off when I got that much off my chest to her was amazing. I think it's helped get me closer to her as well instead of putting up these walls of lies and deceit.
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I'm really happy to hear you have a supporting partner. :) Best of luck!
 
Glad everything worked out for you. Good job hopping off the subs before becoming dependent. I have been on subs for about three years. Have kicked them 5-6 times and am doing so again right now. Jumped at 2mg. Suboxone indefintly saved my life from heroin but a time comes when you need to feel truly sober and not just "clean" -yeah lots of semantics in those definitions. There are many people I would like to talk to about getting sober but they already think im sober because thats what I said as soon as I got on subs. So now I cannot really bring up the convo without extensively explaining what sub is, how it works, how some think its clean/others dont, how it makes me feel, why im quitting, etc, etc, and in the end I could see a couple people going "so you've been lying this entire time and haven't been sober?" - My parents for one would probably say that. Clusterfuck.
 
Skippwiggins said:
I could see a couple people going "so you've been lying this entire time and haven't been sober?" - My parents for one would probably say that. Clusterfuck.
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This is so sad, I'm sorry about this. Have you tried educating them about MAT? It is the new standard of care across the board in addiction medicine and treatment, even if most of the formal treatment in the US still relying on the outdated methodology of the 12 steps.
 
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