I'm gonna fucking do it

[SomethingWitty123]

I have had enough of this bullshit. My parents have thrown me under the bus by chucking me into supported living for people with aspergers/autism, even though I wasn't diagnosed with it, and then they were vile to me: refusing meds, threatening to make me homeless, etc. Eventually they evicted me and I was put into a psych ward! Apparently they have a 'duty of care' to house you somewhere if you've got nowhere to be, and my parents refused to have me back too, even though they were always 10 mins away. I was doing my a levels at this time too. I somehow got through that shitstorm and I'm out the other side now, with a place at uni for September. Now I'm at another shithole supported living unit, and I can't fucking stand it. It doesn't even matter that I've got a place at uni, I feel like absolute dogshit.The staff sit out in the corridor monitoring the flats and I can't sleep. I've turned to using benzos to knock me out and in the past month I've overdosed three times. I've tried a lot of shit: ketamine, lsd, DOM, oxy, GHB, even fentanyl. I guess I've actually overdosed four times because when I tried fentanyl, I was going in and out of consciousness and my breathing was noticeably slowed. I woke up the next day though. Not that I fucking care. I use ambien to sleep now that I'm trying to come off benzos, and they've prescribed me promethazine too. I actually used that to ease the nausea with my oxy, I'm actually beyond caring. My flatmate is a fucking spastic who smokes weed all day and makes animal noises all the time. I'm either gonna kill someone or kill myself, I'm furious. And now I've got this appointment summary sheet from my psychiatrist and it's just fucking unbelievable. It talks about my three overdoses but 'there was no evidence of any current suicidal ideation'. It also talks about me feeling 'alone', actually written in quotation marks, and is completely inaccurate about my drug usage; she says I've only been using Xanax 'at a maximum of 1mg and denied taking every day' when I EXPLICITLY SAID in the meeting that I had been using it everyday in the week prior, and sometimes even in doses as high as 4mg. In my overdoses, I would usually mix alcohol, benzos, opiates and barbiturates, all in insanely high doses. My first overdose was 14mg Xanax, 40mg oxy, 3-5ml GHB, and tons of vodka and cider. I had no tolerance and I had no idea how I survived that one. So much for 'a maximum of 1mg'...are they fucking serious?! It's in the shitting medical records, what the fuck are they talking about? This is a nightmare. I have phenobarbital, domperidone, GHB and fentanyl on me and I am so tempted of overdosing again, or actually just doing it properly and jumping in front of a train or something more drastic. I cannot believe the level of shit I have to deal with at the moment, it's ungodly. If I don't off myself soon, I'm afraid I'll take out this anger on someone else.
Anyway, I just needed to vent all this, I'm feeling fucking disgusting, obviously.

 

[Ziiirp]

Hmm, what is the reason for you to take all those drugs ? Where do you get the money from to purchase all those drugs ? What is your ideal conception of life ?

Would you follow the steps if there was a way out of your misery ?

 

[SomethingWitty123]

My parents put me on disability benefits and I barely had any money for a few months, living off £10 for nearly a week sometimes. Then suddenly they informed me that I had missed a couple of months of payment and it was backdated and nearly £3000 went in at once. Not all of it, but a couple of hundred of that went towards drugs because I was curious and it was more money than I knew what to do with.

 

[herbavore]

^Well hopefully your curiosity is over and you are back to not being able to afford them because all those drugs are not doing you any favors right now. I'm sorry for the relationship with your parents. I have no way of knowing if they are good people mistakenly doing the wrong thing or unhappy, vindictive people that are screwing you over, but either way you can now make decisions for yourself. Concentrate on your goals--like university. Try to step back and observe rather than reacting to your current circumstances. Who knows? Maybe someday you will look back on this brief period of your life as something that taught you a lot about yourself.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

I'd be curious to hear more of the story about how you got put into "assisted living" and eventually into the psych ward.

Can definitely sympathize with lazy and incompetent medical staff. The staff at hospitals, medical clinics and psychiatric facilities are often good, competent people, but there are plenty of bad ones as well. I remember the nurse at just about every doctor's appointment I've been to in the last 4 years saying "oh, it says here you're a smoker?" When I went to my FIRST doctor's appointment (after a bad medical diagnosis) I had told them that I hadn't smoked in a year, that I had quit when I was 23, and I had ceased any & all tobacco usage. Yet they obviously continued to put it into their computers that I smoked cigarettes! It was unbelievable. Some people are just bad at their jobs, doctors included.

 

[Ziiirp]

My parents put me on disability benefits and I barely had any money for a few months, living off £10 for nearly a week sometimes. Then suddenly they informed me that I had missed a couple of months of payment and it was backdated and nearly £3000 went in at once. Not all of it, but a couple of hundred of that went towards drugs because I was curious and it was more money than I knew what to do with.

You don't have to go into details, but is it a physical disability and hence you are currently living assisted ? Just to understand, why you got that disability benefits. I know guys with Aspergers and they won't get a certificate for disability by any chance.

Seems to me your relationship with your parents is not the greatest. The best thing you can do right now is focusing on your own path, i.e. minimizing the drug intake to just utilization (therapeutic doses if any) in order to get by better at school and ultimately become independent from your parents/guardians. Self-pity and anger are nonconstructive in your current situation. After you stabilized your situation, you can work on improving the relationship to your parents, if they also are open for it.

 

[Moreaux]

Try to focus on your future - you're going to university in Septemeber so the situation you are currently in is temporary. Try to make the best of it, it's only a few months. Do the best you can at university to set yourself up for a comfortable and stable future.

Try a cool down period with your parents, just give is a rest for a little while and collect yourself. I agree with other posters, being angry and building resentments is not productive and will only serve to make the situation worse. Maybe look into meditation and yoga - it sounds silly but both of those really help to make life more peaceful.

 

[deadendgame]

i understand what you're going through. although i am not going through the same experience as you, my life sucks ass too. suicide or not, I sincerely hope you get what you want. if you do decide to kill yourself, i heavily advise you to go all the way. don't end up retarded or missing body parts as I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I only say this because you been through so much, you probably have the strength to do what you plan to do. it really is no easy feat