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Struggling today....

S

Stuck_x

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 4, 2016
Messages
47
Location
Somewhere over the rainbow
Day 5 no H, day 2 or 3 no subs (taken day 1 & 3?) & physically im doing okay, mentally though, is a different story.

Ive decided no comfort meds (obviously other than the days of subutex) for my 5264 attempt getting clean, taken myself to a different continent & made it near impossible to do anything about anything.

I have to admit, im considering getting paraletic drunk, but thats just my addict brain....

Any words of wisdom greatly appreciated

xox
 
I would stop getting drunk. Well...at least until you have built up a little cleantime. Oftentimes in early recovery we replace one addiction for another while not learning the skills needed to understand why.

Change of scenery is nice, but will not stop you from doing drugs if you really want them. An addict will always find a way to use if they want. It is why there are drugs in prison.

What are you doing to maintain your sobriety? Therapy, meetings, etc. This is a huge part of recovery. If you do not work on what caused you to use in an unhealthy manner you will be doomed to do so indefinitely, or you will be a person that hates being sober.

You can do this. I am in your corner.
 
This is so cool! :)

I know it feels shitty, bu you are doing something magical OP. Getting off drugs, especially opioids, weathering the wothdrawal, is so shitty yet such a wonderful oppertunity to become healthier. The mind will inevitably play tricks on you, especially given your current somber state of mind, so you will have to be caeful when making inportant decisios. Right now I would try and avoid as much of you "normal" responsibities that you would normally find stressful so that you can focus on healing your mind and body. First, you will have to hel your mind. Start researching mindfulness, insight meditation and vipassana - we have a sticky here in SL on the subject with A LOT of mindfulness based stress reduction self help therapies. Once you have spent a good chunck of time becoming more mindful and aware, once you have woken up and realized addiction is not the life you seek to live, then you cancreally focus on thd physical.

Take all I say with a grain of salt, but this is what worked for me and what I have seen work for many manu individuals. It is not an easy process, but the results are so incredible and beautiful. Good luck on your journey OP!
 
This is why im struggling so much i think, cause i am doing everything inmy power to change & it hasnt happened as yet. I think by going to NA meetings, spiritual church, meditation, exercise etc etc etc i half expected to get an easier ride, cause ive never done any of those things in the past. Before ive always got clean & changed nothing....

thank you for the kind words i think bluelight is amazing, the caring nature of people who all know the struggle... Ive been enjoying the NA's too tbh.

i know im making excuses when i say, my mental health is appalling & yet to be medicated satisfactory... Also, im scared. Really scared of facing sober life cause then i have to deal with the grief ive been hiding... Firstly my mom 9 years ago from H Overdose & more recently my baby girl from SIDS...

no one said life was gona be easy i guess
 
I am super glad to hear NA is palatable for you :)

I would HIGHLY recommend you look into also finding some outpatient group theraoy, individual therapy with a psychologist, LCSW, MFT or some other trained professional therpaist you find that you feel safe confiding in. I also high recommend you work with a psychiatrist or other MD who is experience in treating addition. There really is no excuse to avoid these things, it may take some time to work out the funding, insurance, and finding professionals you click with, but if you just keep trying you will get it figured out sooner than you might imagine. Addiction is a serious thing, not less so than cancer or HIV/AIDS, so we need all the help we can get.

If you are not working on getting more, better professional help, you are inviting relapse, despair and misery IMHO. Do not get me wrong, I have a lot of problems with modern medicine and big pharma, but they are kind of a nevessary evil when it comes to the current state of the world and the way recovery and addiction work.

Life certainly is not fair, but that foes not mean it needs to be such a PITA. It is all about your perspective, and your perspective will not change until you put in the work to become a healtheir person to affect change in your life.
 
Im sorry about your mom and baby girl. That is pain I couldnt imagine. But I think you are doing great. Im sure you have been down the Suboxone road before, but it is not talked about very much how stopping Sub can take a toll on your emotions, even in short courses. So that may be at play here.

Im just going to reiterate what others said. The NA, meditation, all that is great. But that focuses on your desire to beat your addiction. Take some time to do what you love or start something new you always wanted to try. The simple act of throwing ourselves into our passions is often the best therapy as we focus on them, rather than what is wrong with us.
 
Kittycat5 said:
Take some time to do what you love or start something new you always wanted to try. The simple act of throwing ourselves into our passions is often the best therapy as we focus on them, rather than what is wrong with us.
Click to expand...

Such great advice, could not have said it better myself.
 
There will always be drugs to go back to so there is no harm in trying to go without them. At my worst (in early recovery) I am always comforted knowing dope exists.

The only way past this is through this and it's not fair but that's not the point. The moment we realize the problem we become responsible for our relationship to it even if the event is not our fault.

if you need to get drunk to not do dope do it. But you will likely hate yourself afterwards, but possibly you aren't ready to not hate yourself yet.

❤️
 
manboychef said:
I would stop getting drunk. Well...at least until you have built up a little cleantime. Oftentimes in early recovery we replace one addiction for another while not learning the skills needed to understand why.

Change of scenery is nice, but will not stop you from doing drugs if you really want them. An addict will always find a way to use if they want. It is why there are drugs in prison.

What are you doing to maintain your sobriety? Therapy, meetings, etc. This is a huge part of recovery. If you do not work on what caused you to use in an unhealthy manner you will be doomed to do so indefinitely, or you will be a person that hates being sober.

You can do this. I am in your corner.
Click to expand...

^ this.

Stuck_x - I know how frustrating it can be to out in the work and nothing seems to change, I felt like I was beating my head against the wall doing therapy, going to meetings, going to rehab, going to meetings and IOP, keeping up with therapy - I wasn't using but I certainly wasn't living. I resigned myself to the fact that I will live sober, but life just isn't good. I was learning how to accept being bored and unhappy when ironically, it started getting better. I'm two years sober from everything and it's still getting better. I sometimes have rough times now, but the lows I get now are nothing like the lows I had while using or even in early recover. For the first time in twenty years I am not obsessing about committing suicide.

I kicked a nasty opiate habit in the mid 90's - the Naval hospital on the base I lived on gave out Oxycotin like is was candy (90 30mg pills for the month) - every now and then they would give me a stadol kicker to take home. I spent my junior and senior year in high school strung out on pain medication. I knew I had a problem and decided to get off them before college. I discussed it with my Mom and we flushed the pills and I went cold turkey. It absolutely sucked, and I remember feeling depressed and bored for a good six months after I quit. Then slowly I started feeling much better - it seemed to happen a lot quicker than this last run I referenced in the first paragraph (I would change the order but I'm typing this out on a phone and it's inconvenient to make edits).

It takes a while of being clean to start feeling alive again. I think your brain needs to restore its neurochemical balance, and that is not something you can rush. Keep doing the things you are doing, and really try to resolve the underlying issues that motivate you to use. Be patient and give it at least six months - I bet you start feeling better. You doing great - just be patient. When things are tough remind yourself that it will get better, what you're feeling now is temporary.
 
hang in there! sounds like you're doing the right thing with traveling, I'm doing the same. going backpacking in costa rica in three weeks! something that's also helped me immensely is music, really upbeat base heavy techno stuff i blast at 1000w when i've got the house to myself. i had totally stopped listening during use, all i'd do is veg out on the couch or bed like a zombie every night and spend days in a haze. there's this one stain on my living room ceiling where someone threw a ball of dough once and i must've spent over 3 days total staring at that. so yeah, even the withdrawal headaches make me feel more alive than my previous state. so enjoy what you have and get yer mind on other things ..
 
You're doing great!
Sending you love and positive vibes.

Just take it one day at a time, you will be feeling better soon, I promise!
 
Thank you all, immensely. Your support is beyond fantastic... Im sure u all already know having all been through it all before. Ill be honest, i caved & took 90mg codeine today, which yea ino is a failure, but is still tiny in comparison & after 3-5 days clean.

i would love to hear/read some of your stories.... Inspiration etc... Keep it coming guys, you're all amazing.

captain H, ive followed your advice/opinions for years as a lurker. Thank you for replying.


teary eyes r driving me insane right now. RLS not so much though so for that im grateful

xxx
 
Stuck x hang in there, it does get better. You made me smile tho when you mentioned teary eyes, i still have those occasionally for no reason 20 days later. I say smile because it reminded me of my new personal best record: yesterday i sneezed 78 times (i counted after i started the day before) Not just any sneezes, but big powerful ones in clusters of 3 to 4. It's so funny to hear people say 'gesundheit', then i sneeze again and they look so adorably uncertain whether they should say it again or wait for my next one. So i say make the most of your wd, explore what's changing in your body and if you like it.

A real benefit for me was that my dental health improved almost instantly (i always flossed even when using but teeth hurt. Not anymore!)
 
Wow well done, thats a massive achievement & its good to hear those pesky annoying symptoms still are coming for you that long down the line. The random grave shivers & goosebumps are not nice.

I have to admit, i took another crumb of subutex when i got back to the UK. A family member i live with is prescribed so the temptation side is hard, really hard.

I took it Saturday & Sunday, simply for the lethargy as i had a lot to do. Right now im day 5 clean from that mishap & im starting to think im doing better than my brain will allow me to think. I found 1 5mil oxy, i should (but didtnt) flush it 3 days ago. All it didnt was bring back worse symptoms, so that lesson is learned for next time.

So, im currently back at day 2 no opies & although i keep screwing up, each attempt is easier, im assuming because its less & less to come out of my body. What are your feelings on kratom? Right now (i dont know if it's psychological) i think it's helping, though ive never taken more than 4gram in a day, yesterday & today 2gram... I know its yet ANOTHER possible addiction, but i think its my brain/bipolar thats the issue here(ive stopped taking my antipsychotic cause im just too damn fatigued & it doesnt help with the sedation from it, not to mention it stops the 'highs' but not the 'lows'... Hopefully my meds can get changed soon & my mood can be more stable again. As a substantial opiate user for 5+ years (more on than off) I can't help but think 2grams of kratom cant be doing much at all.

The NA meeting i went to Wednesday made me realise how much of an addict I actually am. I only thought i had 'issues' with opies because of the physical dependence, but actually looking at drinking, party drugs etc etc even music & reading from a child for escapism, i found quite scary!! Im checking out a SMART meeting tomorrow & may have found myself a sponsor, so we'll see how that goes. As they say, keep coming back.
 
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