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How to love being sober?? Like really love it?

AnythingEverything said:
I just feel it's sucking the life out of me. Im alwahs tired, sick, disinterested, lifeless really. I still pick muself up and go to the gym but after being on such a large dose for three years i can feel it. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally too more to the point. I look lifeless, even my teeth, which I know is generally more associated with methadone, are suffering. I've never even had a cavity before, not even after 20 years of bulimia and a lot of meth use and not really looking after myself, now they are super sensitive, I can't eat anything sugary or cold without being in pain. Just lots of different ways. I wonder if I'll ever get back to normal, whatever that is.
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It might be possible to taper off, that is probably the best you can do.
 
Learn to love yourself, and love your life, and realize that you do not need anything and stop beating yourself up for your mistakes or your past as you can't change them and they make you who you are as we learn, evolve, and grow.

Also, keep in mind that it's best if you stay far away from drugs and addictive behaviours such as you listed like shopping, coffee, spending money, eating disorders, sex, food, gambling, exercising way too much too often, nicotine/tobacco, sugar, etc. Talking to a therapist or counselor may help. Good luck.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
It might be possible to taper off, that is probably the best you can do.
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Yeah, I've started to but it's a long way down from 32mg ?. On 30 as of last week. Will make the next jump bigger I think. I am scared to be off it and don't want to go through the end of the Benzo withdrawal again but I might focus on the BUPE first now I've gotten my Benzos down so low and stay steady on them for awhile. I expect its going to take me a year or so. It's been nearly 3 years for my benzo taper so far but haven't had a drop in many months.
 
PriestTheyCalledHim said:
Learn to love yourself, and love your life, and realize that you do not need anything and stop beating yourself up for your mistakes or your past as you can't change them and they make you who you are as we learn, evolve, and grow.

Also, keep in mind that it's best if you stay far away from drugs and addictive behaviours such as you listed like shopping, coffee, spending money, eating disorders, sex, food, gambling, exercising way too much too often, nicotine/tobacco, sugar, etc. Talking to a therapist or counselor may help. Good luck.
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And that's the exact thing. I LOVE my life, I am so blessed, have just never, ever loved myself, have always doubted myself even from as young as 7. But im in therapy and waiting to get into a therapist that does DBT which is supposed to be ideal for someone like me so im hoping that will be good.

As far as staying away from addictive behaviours, the eating disoders have been THE HARDEST and strongest issue/addiction I've battled with, there are underlying reasons for that Obviously but it was one of the number one reasons I turned to drugs, it consumes my life for 20 years and drugs gave me some 'relief' from that. It's the most insidious, horrid affliction of them all, harder to break that meth, weed, cigarettes, even heroin and BENZOs. A year into recovery finally and one of my biggest fears getting off the maintenance drugs is going back there, it terrifies me. But really hoping this DBT will help. Until now it's been hard to find a drug counsellor that will touch eating disorsers and vice Versa.

Im trying so hard to quit smoking right now too. I quit for 15 years while having kids. It was a no brainer then, now im not having any more babies im finding it so so hard. I've only ever given up any damaging behaviour for my kids. Never for me. Coffee is another big one, nothing wrong with coffee but 12 plus cups a day is over the top and terrible for anxiety. Shopoing and spending I can't do at the me moment as we we down to one income for. First time ever due to me being hospitalised twice with pneumonia, so all the money we have goes on the kids. Oh, and my husband wishes I had a sex addiction ;) Thanks.
 
Artemisia said:
AnythingEverything, are you feeling like you are ready for staying sober but not sure if you can handle it?

My current situation involves me willing to live a totally sober life but I truly know that I just need my DOC once in every few months to stay out of other drugs. For me the reality is a bit dull place even now when most of the pieces in my life have fallen in place and I want some variety into it. Hence I am not totally sober but much more sober if I would try a total abstinence from every drug if you guys understand what I mean.

Sometimes I think about using these substances every few months as using maintenance drugs but at the same time I think it would be gross to say that as those who use maintenance drugs won't mostly get any euphoria out of them.
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Yes. I want to go back to being completely clean and sober, I really do. I only smoke weed apart from my Suboxone and low dose or diazepam but I've gone without the weed for a few days now (only started smoking again recently) and am ok, I have to be careful there as it seems to potentiate both my bupe and my benzos when i obviously don't nornally even know I've had them, so it's a trap for me smoking weed again.

But im terrified mainly of my eating disorder coming back. I've been addicted to so many drugs but the eating disorder scares me WAY WAY MORE. If I had to choose I would choose drugs anyday. I've just never been without an addiction of some kind or addictive behaviours since I was probably 7 years old, so I have NO IDEA what it's like not to be dependsnt on something even though I previously had 14 years clean from drugs and alcohol.

It's just REALLY scary and it doesn't seen possible because it's all I've ever known. I look at people who aren't addicts such as my husband and most of my friends and just wonder how it feels to 'live life of life's terms'. I've never ever done that so I have no clue ?

Im not the type to be able to use anytning just occasionally. It's all or nothing for me, as soon as j have a taste of anything I fall.
 
I am so glad you asked this question, I wonder the same thing myself. I have never lived my life completely sober. I used coke when I was a teen and then became a addicted to pain killers. I used methadone to get off and struggled to maintain sobriety. I am an addict, I love how drugs make me feel but I hate what it costs in terms of my family. I currently struggle now with stimulants. I always tell myself that it's not like the painkillers cause I have "ADHD" and I do so well in school but I know it's abuse because I take them in higher dosages than needed.

I literally cried all day yesterday about this exact question. My boyfriend knows my history so I have been hiding the stimulant use from him. I feel awful I wake up and want to be a "normal" mom ( I have two great amazing boys! 4,6) but I just continue my day taking something to wake up then something to sleep and all the while lying to myself and my boyfriend. I think why can't I just wake up and be happy that it's a new day and I have an amazing man that works everyday really hard, so I can go to school and pursue my passion. School has been a turning point but it's not enough for me for some reason.

My whole life I grew up thinking some kind of drug or other
 
AnythingEverything: eating disorder has been a part of my since my early teens so I guess I know how you feel as I too would rather do drugs daily than suffer again from what I went through back then. At the worst stage I was so weak and according to a doctors I would have either died or suffered a major brain damage as my body would have tried to use my brains as an energy source if I would continued to do what I did for few weeks more.

I have skipped some parts of life such as graduating from uni, getting married and having kids because of my drug use and have done some dumb stuff while being high and then suffered from withdrawals but having eating disorder such bad that it threatens your life is in my point of view much worse and it has quite the same roots as our addictions to drugs. If I have managed to get through that I know I can be totally sober one day when I get enough reasons to do it.

I am still quite young so luckily I have time to chase those dreams in the future while trying to be as sober as I can but it wouldn't have been possible if I wouldn't got help for my eating problems. After experiencing the alternative it seems so hard to life live on it's own terms as one pill can dramatically alter those terms but I guess the point is to understand that it alters those terms just temporarily and when the lunch is over somebody has to pay the bill. Working our lives to a way we want to live them is much harder but more permanent.
 
MmKkLl12509 said:
I am so glad you asked this question, I wonder the same thing myself. I have never lived my life completely sober. I used coke when I was a teen and then became a addicted to pain killers. I used methadone to get off and struggled to maintain sobriety. I am an addict, I love how drugs make me feel but I hate what it costs in terms of my family. I currently struggle now with stimulants. I always tell myself that it's not like the painkillers cause I have "ADHD" and I do so well in school but I know it's abuse because I take them in higher dosages than needed.

I literally cried all day yesterday about this exact question. My boyfriend knows my history so I have been hiding the stimulant use from him. I feel awful I wake up and want to be a "normal" mom ( I have two great amazing boys! 4,6) but I just continue my day taking something to wake up then something to sleep and all the while lying to myself and my boyfriend. I think why can't I just wake up and be happy that it's a new day and I have an amazing man that works everyday really hard, so I can go to school and pursue my passion. School has been a turning point but it's not enough for me for some reason.

My whole life I grew up thinking some kind of drug or other
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I can definitely relate. My addictions and obsessive behaviour started at 7 when I would restrict food and I developed weird ocd behaviours such as if my hand brushed against something, I would then have to do it with the other hand, obsessively check locks in a methodical order as a young child, then I found some relief in alcohol then drugs at 14, then developed anorexia, once i lost control of that due to anti depressants i became bulimic which stayed with me 20 years, until a year ago. I found meth as it relieves my obsessions with food somewhat and helped me be less shy, then I found heroin to help come down from meth, then Benzos to come down, in between shots of heroin....got clean to have my kids but had a raging eating disoder the whole tkme. Once our family was finsihed I found drugs again. Now on Suboxone I had a major spending problem last year, becoming obsessed with one particular and expensive clothing brand, I have nothing to show for my hard work running a business and am about to go bankrupt and lose our house (we rent elsewhere now but have tenants in it). I should have a lot of savings from 4 years with my own business but have nothing. When I finally ceased the bulimia I took up smoking again and am never without a cigarette or coffee in my hand even though I hate smoking and worry so much about my health, and coffee is terrible for my anxiety. Im absolutely TEERIFIED of quitting because im scared the eating disoder will come back. I literally have no clue how to live without an addiction/obsession. Im 38 and it started at 7. I have no idea what the word moderatjon means as a verb, none at all. :;
 
Artemisia said:
AnythingEverything: eating disorder has been a part of my since my early teens so I guess I know how you feel as I too would rather do drugs daily than suffer again from what I went through back then. At the worst stage I was so weak and according to a doctors I would have either died or suffered a major brain damage as my body would have tried to use my brains as an energy source if I would continued to do what I did for few weeks more.

I have skipped some parts of life such as graduating from uni, getting married and having kids because of my drug use and have done some dumb stuff while being high and then suffered from withdrawals but having eating disorder such bad that it threatens your life is in my point of view much worse and it has quite the same roots as our addictions to drugs. If I have managed to get through that I know I can be totally sober one day when I get enough reasons to do it.

I am still quite young so luckily I have time to chase those dreams in the future while trying to be as sober as I can but it wouldn't have been possible if I wouldn't got help for my eating problems. After experiencing the alternative it seems so hard to life live on it's own terms as one pill can dramatically alter those terms but I guess the point is to understand that it alters those terms just temporarily and when the lunch is over somebody has to pay the bill. Working our lives to a way we want to live them is much harder but more permanent.
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I am sorry you have suffered with eating disorders also. For me it was THE HARDEST addiction to break. Harder than heroin and BENZOs (though I've never successfully quit benzos my dose is down to a 20th of what is was.)

I have so many reasons to be sober, I just have no idea how to live without an addiction as I've had one or another or several for 31 years. I still consider myself young but don't want to get any older still obsessed and addicted. I am terrified of quitting smoking in case my eating disoder comes back, that is my worst fear in the world. I wonder how I will fare once im no longer on suboxone, it's a really scary and unknown idea, living without an addiction, I have no idea what it's like.

I am glad you recovered from your eating disorder. These addictions all stem from the same place, I know where mine came from but I don't know how to fix it. Im going to start DBT soon which is about the only thing I haven't tried.

Best of luck to you and thanks for posting x
 
My experience in early recovery is that disordered behaviour toward food came back quickly and forcefully, and requires daily mindfulness not to fall back into bad habits with it. As soon as I stopped drinking in 2014 I was all over a calorie counting app and obsessing over everything I consumed. I went out, bought a food scale, and was doing the math for calories/calories out along with trying to guesstimate the weight being lost from using the toilet. I have to keep myself very very busy to not obsess over it. I've recently increased my activity threefold and still eat around 1000 calories a day. Friday's are usually my binge say, and I have a couple of days during the week where I believe I may eat close to maintenance but I'm not certain since my fitness tracker broke...well, I thought I was doing better in the food department but considering the words I just typed I guess I am still obsessed. I noticed that I lost 10 pounds recently after being at a standstill, and really want to get back to 105 so I can wear my cute cloths again. Lol, I need to stop.

The point I am trying to make is that you do have to pay close attention to not switch over into disordered thinking when giving up substance.
 
This is a really good conversation. I was thinking about what [MENTION=340552]AnythingEverything[/MENTION], [MENTION=180594]Moreaux[/MENTION], and [MENTION=407485]Artemisia[/MENTION] are talking about. I have OCD and the only thing that saves me from relapsing into my old paranoid bad habits is gardening. It is like I have transferred my self destructive behaviors into something positive. The reason I got into gardening was seeing a therapist.

Are any of you seeing a therapist, and if so are you completely honest about your eating habits, and how you feel about yourself? It took a long time for me to be honest with myself and decide what I want in my life. I still have a really hard time leaving my house without having a benzo on board, but I find myself testing the waters quite a bit. I realize the fear is irrational, and what is going to happen is going to happen. I cannot plan every little detail out and prepare for every eventuality because I end up missing out on the good parts of what is happening. I guess that is a big part of the original question: "how to love being sober." It is not that I love being sober, because any addict that says if they wouldn't use if they could use without consequences is lying to your face, and I am no different. It is that I choose to look at and take part in positive things in my life. I try so hard to not think about the fact I will never use again, in fact I push that to the farthest edge of my mind. It helps me not obsess over it. Instead whenever I get that same old feeling creeping in, I text someone, especially my girlfriend. It makes it easier for me to realize that I am blessed rather than cursed.

I guess in a nutshell I am not happy I am sober. I am relieved I am sober and I can find joy in others again. I am relieved that I can work on my problems, rather than just working on the problem of where my next hit was coming from. Whenever I accomplish a goal, I feel joy. Whenever I set out to do something and it turns out correctly I feel joy. I had to really learn to go easy on myself, and stop holding myself to an unobtainable standard. I had to get rid of the shame from all the things that hurt me, or what I have done that hurt others. Those things happened. They are over. Find your joy, and you will conquer your shame.
 
It's horrible:(. I used drugs because of my eating disoder. I no longer use but am on maintenance....but just a year into ed recovery. I still eat very little compared to mosr but I no longer want to punch the mirror or an obsessive about it. I used to have a cheat day but found it didn't work for me, the same as trying to use once a week or every so often.

The ed addiction is just SO STRONG, the pull is incredible and it terrifies me. It also annoys me that it controlled my life through some of my teen years, through marriage and having our kids. I've not found anything yet that helps me live without an addiction. I am so busy and have so many distractions, it just took over my life for so many years. When I was anorexic I used to make myself go to sleep for a couple of hours between 'meals' just to stop obsessing.
 
Hi Manboychef:) thanks for your input. It is a good conversation.

I have been in some kind of therapy since I was 18. Back then I was not open about my anorexia and I was happy I had that control and didn't want ro lose it. The psych was hopeless and just put me on an anti depressant he knew would make me lose control and gain weight , that made everyone, mostly my 'mother' who doesn't do honesty, think I was better. When I was heaps worse as I had become and out of control bulimic which ruled my life for nearly 2 decades.

It has always been hard to find a therapist that deals with both eds and drugs. They will do one but won't touch the other which is frustating as its all tied together as a tangled web. I am completely honest about that stuff now, completely m, no denial or anything and looking forward to starting the DBT.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts too, a good read.
 
it will become the new normal.

you will miss it for a while but slowly youll like being balanced.

and not comparing today and this life to the previous lifestyle. you wont get the same highs but you wont have the lows either.

i like myself a lot more now and i can count on myself. that became really important to me.
 
manboychef said:
This is a really good conversation. I was thinking about what [MENTION=340552]AnythingEverything[/MENTION], [MENTION=180594]Moreaux[/MENTION], and [MENTION=407485]Artemisia[/MENTION] are talking about. I have OCD and the only thing that saves me from relapsing into my old paranoid bad habits is gardening. It is like I have transferred my self destructive behaviors into something positive. The reason I got into gardening was seeing a therapist.

Are any of you seeing a therapist, and if so are you completely honest about your eating habits, and how you feel about yourself? It took a long time for me to be honest with myself and decide what I want in my life. I still have a really hard time leaving my house without having a benzo on board, but I find myself testing the waters quite a bit. I realize the fear is irrational, and what is going to happen is going to happen. I cannot plan every little detail out and prepare for every eventuality because I end up missing out on the good parts of what is happening. I guess that is a big part of the original question: "how to love being sober." It is not that I love being sober, because any addict that says if they wouldn't use if they could use without consequences is lying to your face, and I am no different. It is that I choose to look at and take part in positive things in my life. I try so hard to not think about the fact I will never use again, in fact I push that to the farthest edge of my mind. It helps me not obsess over it. Instead whenever I get that same old feeling creeping in, I text someone, especially my girlfriend. It makes it easier for me to realize that I am blessed rather than cursed.

I guess in a nutshell I am not happy I am sober. I am relieved I am sober and I can find joy in others again. I am relieved that I can work on my problems, rather than just working on the problem of where my next hit was coming from. Whenever I accomplish a goal, I feel joy. Whenever I set out to do something and it turns out correctly I feel joy. I had to really learn to go easy on myself, and stop holding myself to an unobtainable standard. I had to get rid of the shame from all the things that hurt me, or what I have done that hurt others. Those things happened. They are over. Find your joy, and you will conquer your shame.
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I haven't seen a therapist in years, primarily because I know what I have to do when I see the bahviour starting. I mentioned weightloss because it fit with a few of the posts, but for me with my OCD, I can easily get locked on just about anything and have disordered thinking as that is the nature of OCD.

I find that it tends to become more prevalent when I feel a lack of control in life, and I have to take time and evaluate my current situation and identify the real issue. If it's possible to resolve, I do my best to do so. However, sometimes it's just the OCD, and I have to make a conscious decision as to whether or not I will indulge it. I have come to treat the OCD as a separate entity that coexists within me, kind of like a child ( not in a schziophrenic way), so when it comes up I hve to look at the situation and see if it's acceptable to indulge.

Some situations are appropriate to indulge the OCD, like when I work on art or other detail oriented projects, and other times it is not okay to indulge, like anything dealing with relationships. Keeping the OCD under control keeps me sober. The more time I have in sobriety and mindful practices with the OCD, the less control and interference I get from the OCD. I just have to remain vigilant, and I constantly assess my perception and the true context of situations and events. I am hopeful in a few more years that I'll almost be normal.
 
I think the way to love sobriety is loving life. Loving life means understanding and accepting complexity, uncertainty and mystery as part of the package. We make happiness a goal for obvious reasons...it feels good! But inviting the full range of emotions into a place of acceptance in our own lives allows us to feel compassion for all other beings that have feelings--and that gives us the sense of connection that all human beings crave. Maybe it is simply my age that allows me to feel the preciousness of this speeded-up thing we call time; when you feel like something is ending soon you see it with new eyes, it is easier to be appreciative. I don't mean to be dismissive about how hard life can be--believe me, I know it can be. But I do believe that every life holds unbelievable richness when we learn to sit still for a minute and truly see it.
 
This thread is really helpful, but I'm just not happy sober. I'm constantly on the look out for stuff even though I moved to ND and trust me, cleanest state ever. I'm just depressed without drugs.
 
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