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Relapse

I relapsed again and this time I went back with a vengeance. I had to start methadone. Today is my 2nd day and it felt so good not waiting for a fix. I have chronic pain and keeping my script intake normal just wasn't happening. 112 oxycodone in 4 days mixed with banging morph. I hate the stigma of methadone but I hate being dope sick and I couldn't manage my own scripts. The starting dose 20mg isn't quite enough but I go up today. Still nowhere near the bitch of running out and a panic to find more. Keep hanging in there. And if you can't do it alone I strongly suggest subs or methadone. I have chronic pain so methadone worked best for me
Good luck to us all :)
 
to all of you suffering through the dopesickness, I'm super proud of you, and I feel for you. You totally have this, and we've got your backs. I've gone through only to fall back and repeat a million times. It's the worst.

Sending you all my best thoughts!!!
 
White-knuckling so hard and want to cave

Have 1.5-2mg of subox strip here I desperately want to take but it's not been long enough I don't think
 
Rakshasa said:
White-knuckling so hard and want to cave
Click to expand...

You got this. Perhaps try keeping yourself occupied by doing something you enjoy, whether it's going for a walk, listening to music, talking to a friend, taking a shower, or whatever, just try to do something to distract yourself while the cravings are strong. Try to really be present in your activity and engage all five senses: what can you see, smell, hear, taste, touch? Focus on these sensations, isolate one at a time if you can. Keep your mind busy. You can do this.
 
My plug hit me up and of course I fucking caved.

Couldn't possibly be more depressed or disgusted with myself.

I need to investigate options for a sub program. With no insurance and living in a rural place it feels incredibly daunting...
 
I've been on methadone for the last 15 years I still do a little dope but just trying to keep it off the street methadone will help you give it a try
 
Rakshasa said:
My plug hit me up and of course I fucking caved.

Couldn't possibly be more depressed or disgusted with myself.

I need to investigate options for a sub program. With no insurance and living in a rural place it feels incredibly daunting...
Click to expand...

That's the worst feeling (relapsing); it absolutely sucks. Try to remember, though, recovery isn't all-or-nothing, despite how we're often encouraged to think about it. Of course it would be ideal if we could just walk away from drugs, totally "clean." But in the meantime, doing less dope less often is great! Slips happen and they are disappointing. But they don't take away the progress you've made, and don't mean can't jump right back on track.

FWIW, I've been on subs for about two months, and they really do help. If you can find a program that's viable for you, I think you'll be glad.

Meanwhile, dust yourself off and keep heading in the right direction! You're incredibly brave doing this shit, man. We all are.
Peace.
 
So no program yet, but I got my hands on a bit of suboxone and managed to induce after sicking it out about 20 hours. (What a difference an hour later!)

CT has not been working at all, trying for a very rapid taper w/ sub instead, then I have a couple grams of Kratom extract. I realize it's a shot in the dark doing it this way, but a ~0.5mg sliver of a 8mg sub strip was enough to get me probably 60% within 90 minutes, another same-size sliver three hours later got me pretty stable. Tomorrow I'm going to try to half that, and continue halfing it until I'm down to miniscule pinhead doses. It doesn't feel _good_ but I'm not sick and I'm hoping this means I'm up-regulating without risking a rough bupe WD ...

Thank you guys. This forum is overwhelmingly comforting when going through this shit.
 
I'm glad you've got the comfort of knowing that there are people here that know what you are going through. It is my favorite part of Bluelight.<3
 
Hey Rakshasa. How are you? Hows the tapering going? I was never a fan of self tapering. It was too hard for me. I believe Kratom would help you if you had more. What you have may not be enough with your tolerance. Like herbavore said, im glad you like BL. I cant telll you how many great friends in different countries ive made since i returned last fall. I have a shrink, therapist addiction councler, and tons of people in AA but i get my true help believe it or not. I came on here to find out a drug andwer and made all these friends mostly in sober living and my chronic pain thread. All these people get it cause they live it. Just like you and us. We get it and any advice comes from our experience. Idk what id do without this site. Youve been great about checking in . Sometimes somebody will check in in crisis and never get back. The check in in this site is crucial espcially in a tapering sit you. To me the bupe isnt strong but hooked me. You should be fine. I always say im rooting for you and i mean it. Im struggling right now too but getting help. Opiates suck. But i need them for my chronic pain. Oh well. You stay strong man and never hesitate to get in touch with me. Take care
 
I've had some uncertain days but I think the rapid bupe taper got me out of the woods without severe physical WD symptoms... now about 80 hours out from my last (less than 0.2mg! holy crap, I feel sorry for people jumping at 1-2+ mg) bupe dose and I feel okay physically.

Doing it this way was strange. I seemed to be experiencing one withdrawal symptom at a time; body/legs would hurt, or I'd have bad chills, etc rather than all at once...
Maybe my chemistry is just odd.

Still playing the mental game... anxiety is pretty well off the charts.
 
Hi. Anxiety is gonna be cause of PAWS. Do you have any benzos? Sometimes they can be a lifesaver in wd stress. Seems like youre coming along ok. Im glad youre doing ok. Try baths or even like mild exersise for your anxiety. Maybe go to a Dr and talk about your anxiety and maybe theyll give you a benzo. I dont think its irresponsible of me to suggest a controlled substance to an addict bc kolonopin saves my ass all the time. Saved me today. I just got meds and lost them and was dropping groceries all over the place and my cat was meowing and i fet an attack coming on so i raced upstairs and got 2 and sat back and smioked some cigs and i was fine. Benzos when taken right can be a real help. Even hydroxizine. That helps me too so ask about that. Well, im glad youre making it thru. Keep it up man. Good job
 
No insurance, makes seeing the doctor hard :( though I did have a 'scrip for Ativan for a bit, so I would probably be able to get something

Good advice though, thank you, I think I'm going to order up some more etizolam. Yeah, it's still "Doing Drugs" but I've always been able to use benzos responsibly (all things considered -- I've had lengthy periods of benzo use but always at low doses and never blacking out / losing days or any of that) & worlds better than 1-2 grams of dope a day...
 
Thats for sure. I think they would benefit you now that your clean. I never understood benzo abuse. They just make me tired. I once got a buzz of librium but the circumstances were so different then. If i dont have my kolonopin 3 times a day ill get nasty panic attacks. When i feel one conig on i can take 2. There a lifesaver. No insurance is a prob but theres still places out there you can go too. I didnt have insurance when i went to my place years sgo. They put me in a state program that allowed me tool see the dr and most meds were free. Idk but it may be worth googling. Let me know
 
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