Tranced
Bluelight Crew
Salvia divinorum - Experienced - Oh, so I'm just a weird fucking jigsaw now?
Substance consumed: 30mg of 10x Salvia divinorum extract.
Other substances consumed: 22mg 2c-b + multiple lines, insufflated. Very mild residual effects.
This experience with Salvia divinorum occurred on Saturday April 2nd 2016. But before explaining the experience, a little bit of history is required.
-----
Back in 2008 I had a salvia experience which can be briefly summarised as thus [original trip report link here]: my best friend and I, became a giant sort of jigsaw in the sky, compiled out of multiple versions of ourselves, or me, which formed my name. It was horrifying and I was convinced that I had just experienced an elaborate prank on my life. Thankfully the jigsaw fell apart, and I was flung back into my kitchen.
I escorted my friend into my living room to the relative safety of the couch, at which point the salvia goddess stood in front of us and asked us to help her (save the planet). She spoke and sang in an ethereal and somewhat synthesized manner. I was fairly lucid at this point and I wasn't in salvia space; she was in my living room. Needless to say, my concept of reality was utterly shattered and I had a strong knowing feeling of needing to do salvia again. She even told us that we'd know what to do when the time was right.
At one point I was convinced that my friend was going to reveal himself as the host of a reality TV show, and there was very much a "gotcha!!" kind of feeling to the whole thing which didn't leave me alone for five years. I suffered mild PTSD and I was completely troubled. The idea of my life being an elaborate prank plagued me, and I can only thank my logical mindset for disallowing that seed of thought to sprout into some kind of sinister mental health disorder.
That said, I gradually became scared of psychedelics, stopped taking them, and couldn't bare the thought of smoking salvia again. This placed a whole burden on my shoulders because I really think that my path is to work with what I have come to regard as an incredibly sacred and powerful plant entity. I have avoided this completely, and in the past few years come to suffer from severe depression, anxiety and some kind of fatigue syndrome. My life has come to a standstill for no particular reason; doctors seem completely unable to help and my only saving grace has been nootropics somewhat alleviating the symptoms of depression and anxiety. But the fatigue is the real killer, and I've lost a lot.
Interestingly, Salvia divinorum was to be banned under UK law as of the day before I did it. So I bought quite a substantial amount beforehand. I had a feeling that perhaps the date I was buying it on was the same as the previous date of said meeting with the goddess, but convinced myself that it wasn't. I checked the date anyway, and yip, exactly eight years to the day after that world making encounter, I was making the necessary steps to take more.
And so it came to be that yesterday, I eventually put myself up to it, and smoked Salvia divinorum.
-----
The day was just you ordinary British day in the North. Cloudy and generally unexciting; except for a pair of speakers, some decks, 22mg of 2c-b and my friend Nass. We spent the majority of the day on the decks, and then insufflated more 2c-b to kick things up a level. No longer able to mix, we retired to the living room to listen to our all time favourite set. It's tribal, progressive and trancey, and if anybody wants to know what it is, it's 'Lemon8 - Live @ Exposure Festival 2003'.
The mix ended and the effects of the 2c-b had largely subsided. My friends girlfriend was coming home at between 9-10PM, and although he didn't exactly mind her knowing we'd been taking drugs (she doesn't indulge but doesn't mind), he didn't want her coming in to one of us deep inside another dimension.
Using the formula that 400/extract number = moderate breakthrough, we calculated that 400/10x extract = 40mg. So Nass went first with 40mg, in about three tokes, having fairly moderate results without breaking through.
-----
I decided through my trepidation that I would smoke 30mg, as I wasn't quite eager to put myself back 'there'. I set my intention as to reconnect with the goddess. I expected that I'd be somewhat comfortable with a lesser version of the effects that Nass had experienced. Unfortunately, the sage goddess has a mind of her own.
Nass was lying on the left hand side of the bed, and I was on the right. He stood in front of me and held the lighter, and I smoked the 30mg in one hit. As I held the smoke in I felt the familiar feeling of Salvia divinorum take effect.
I can remember Nass standing in front of me for a moment and watching, and thinking how I hoped he would move to the other side of the bed and that he wasn't going to just sit and watch me. It struck me how much every social interaction is intensified so greatly on Salvia divinorum. Usually I would have politely (or perhaps rudely) asked him to move out the way, but had I the ability to speak, which I knew I was fast losing, I just couldn't have bared to mention it.
Thankfully Nass moved to the other side of the bed, and I noticed red lines/circles in the room. This was about as much as I expected to happen, but then I saw, and was presumably blasted, down a sort of wormhole into salvia space.
The wormhole took on a cylindrical/tubular shape, and it consisted of two strands which vaguely resembled spaghetti, spiralling around each other. A voice; either telepathically or audibly, whether or not that even makes any difference, announced "*this* is what salvia is like".
Then I was suddenly back in the room, with the bed and the fucking HORROR of my new reality. My body was now made out of bits of my head, like some weird fucking jigsaw. Like parts of my head were all a part of me, and I think they kind of spread across the bed to Nass who was probably also made out of heads in the form of his body.
The voice announced "This is what the goddess experience is like".
As I heard this I had the vague idea of this being like some kind of corporate joke. For some reason I was reminded of Avatar, perhaps because that's a goddess film. I hate Avatar, it's ruined with Hollywood cliché. Perhaps I had the notion that my life was some kind of corrupt film, designed for some kind of amusement.
Evidently this was a shocking turn of events. I've got no idea if I knew that I'd smoked salvia, but it appeared as pretty much the same kind of reality prank which had given me PTSD, so there would be little relief in knowing. It was exactly what I didn't want to happen. All the heads seemed so compliant and there was a definite feeling of "this is just the way things are now".
Anybody who has been through something like this knows that it's fucking terrifying. You just think your life is fucked, irrefutably and as much as possible, for infinity.
I turned to Nass and from his account he gave me a reassuring smile. To me this smile was a sinister and silent admission of "yip, all your life was leading up to this. I was in on it all along. This is it, you're fucked. Gotcha!!!".
I can't remember why but I seemed to remember that this whole abomination ended around the window, so I fucking legged it. As I did so I could feel the heads kind of unpinning from me. Imagine pulling some floorboards up which have been stuck down with heavy duty pins, and the noise/feeling of them untacking with force. It felt and sounded like that. I have a vague recollection of the voices saying "ouch", "no, don't do that!!", "please, stop", "But I'm the cheek", etc, in a kind of weird, child like fashion.
They didn't appear to actually be me, just my head. For some reason they reminded me of the colour green, even though they were the colour of me, and I do happen not to be green. I think it's probably because I've been wearing a green jacket recently. I guess the salvia made the hue of my vision slightly more green than usual.
Anyway, as I made my way to the window I felt more and more of them untacking from my body. I can remember reaching the wall and knowing that I'd escaped mainly in one piece, because all these faces had kind of peeled off me. But I can remember wondering if some of them were still attached to my back etc, because I couldn't see.
At this point Nass came to the edge of the bed and kind of gently guided me back by the hand. Apparently I said "is that okay?" (as in, will I not be consumed by the human jigsaw). He said yes, and guided me back. I have the vague notion that I perceived him as some kind of sinister authority figure, and I was simply complying, but maybe there was some trust in there, or some hope of it at least. I can't remember but apparently I kept asking questions which were sort of along the lines of "is this real". I can remember sitting on the bed and asking if Nass was in on it, which he denied, to my relief. I can remember thinking that he was going to explain to me that he'd known about this all along. That it was meant to happen and that he would explain what I was to do next. What a fucking dark concept.
I picked up a cushion to check what it was (it must have been significant in the trip), and thankfully it was just a cushion.
At that point I was back but kind of sat contemplating the sheer horror, and the fact that I'd effectively been subdued to the prank scenario again; i.e, my greatest fear. I can remember wondering if I could handle this, and this was how I spent the short afterglow.
Thankfully I came to the conclusion that I can handle it. I've just confronted my biggest fear; and I came back. Smoking salvia wasn't some kind of event which made the rest of this reality irrelevant and disturbing, and me the one and only focus.
Now that I look back on it, I actually love what happened. What I saw was exactly the type of trippy weirdness that makes Alex Grey paintings worth looking at.
To think that I lived in fear all those years and it took experiencing it again to realise that I don't need to be scared of it any more.
That said, I'm glad I waited. I had to go through that trauma; I had to live it, and let it build and build until time eventually healed it.
Then once I had the courage, at the depths of my despair, I got my closure.
Until next time, Sally.
-----
18/April/2016:Addendum:I've had time to integrate the trip and have came a conclusion about the metaphor which was implied (as per the way in which Savlia divinorum works); the one regarding feeling a bit like a corporate joke but also a weird comparison with the fillm avatar which is a goddess/utopian/psychedelic film. I took this as a negative. Like the goddess experience was a corporate joke. Remember that Preceding the corporate joke/avatar thing she/salvia said: "This is what the goddess experience is like".
Now I believe that in infinite possibilities, i.e every thing, literally, that Salvia divinorum serves to highlight and facilitate this concept, to our species in a time of peril for our planet . There are two options:
We already live in corporate mainstream hell. It is clearly on the way to dystopia.
We have an alternative. A world like Avatar; a goddess culture. Not quite like the film. But us, here. Humans living on Earth (what a beautiful name). An advanced, evolved, progressive, sustainable, utopian psychedelic society.
Next time I meet the goddess I'm basically going to set my intention as, or even say to her if I get the choice "I choose utopia. Give me your hand.".
Otherwise people... just keep taking the blue pill.
Substance consumed: 30mg of 10x Salvia divinorum extract.
Other substances consumed: 22mg 2c-b + multiple lines, insufflated. Very mild residual effects.
This experience with Salvia divinorum occurred on Saturday April 2nd 2016. But before explaining the experience, a little bit of history is required.
-----
Back in 2008 I had a salvia experience which can be briefly summarised as thus [original trip report link here]: my best friend and I, became a giant sort of jigsaw in the sky, compiled out of multiple versions of ourselves, or me, which formed my name. It was horrifying and I was convinced that I had just experienced an elaborate prank on my life. Thankfully the jigsaw fell apart, and I was flung back into my kitchen.
I escorted my friend into my living room to the relative safety of the couch, at which point the salvia goddess stood in front of us and asked us to help her (save the planet). She spoke and sang in an ethereal and somewhat synthesized manner. I was fairly lucid at this point and I wasn't in salvia space; she was in my living room. Needless to say, my concept of reality was utterly shattered and I had a strong knowing feeling of needing to do salvia again. She even told us that we'd know what to do when the time was right.
At one point I was convinced that my friend was going to reveal himself as the host of a reality TV show, and there was very much a "gotcha!!" kind of feeling to the whole thing which didn't leave me alone for five years. I suffered mild PTSD and I was completely troubled. The idea of my life being an elaborate prank plagued me, and I can only thank my logical mindset for disallowing that seed of thought to sprout into some kind of sinister mental health disorder.
That said, I gradually became scared of psychedelics, stopped taking them, and couldn't bare the thought of smoking salvia again. This placed a whole burden on my shoulders because I really think that my path is to work with what I have come to regard as an incredibly sacred and powerful plant entity. I have avoided this completely, and in the past few years come to suffer from severe depression, anxiety and some kind of fatigue syndrome. My life has come to a standstill for no particular reason; doctors seem completely unable to help and my only saving grace has been nootropics somewhat alleviating the symptoms of depression and anxiety. But the fatigue is the real killer, and I've lost a lot.
Interestingly, Salvia divinorum was to be banned under UK law as of the day before I did it. So I bought quite a substantial amount beforehand. I had a feeling that perhaps the date I was buying it on was the same as the previous date of said meeting with the goddess, but convinced myself that it wasn't. I checked the date anyway, and yip, exactly eight years to the day after that world making encounter, I was making the necessary steps to take more.
And so it came to be that yesterday, I eventually put myself up to it, and smoked Salvia divinorum.
-----
The day was just you ordinary British day in the North. Cloudy and generally unexciting; except for a pair of speakers, some decks, 22mg of 2c-b and my friend Nass. We spent the majority of the day on the decks, and then insufflated more 2c-b to kick things up a level. No longer able to mix, we retired to the living room to listen to our all time favourite set. It's tribal, progressive and trancey, and if anybody wants to know what it is, it's 'Lemon8 - Live @ Exposure Festival 2003'.
The mix ended and the effects of the 2c-b had largely subsided. My friends girlfriend was coming home at between 9-10PM, and although he didn't exactly mind her knowing we'd been taking drugs (she doesn't indulge but doesn't mind), he didn't want her coming in to one of us deep inside another dimension.
Using the formula that 400/extract number = moderate breakthrough, we calculated that 400/10x extract = 40mg. So Nass went first with 40mg, in about three tokes, having fairly moderate results without breaking through.
-----
I decided through my trepidation that I would smoke 30mg, as I wasn't quite eager to put myself back 'there'. I set my intention as to reconnect with the goddess. I expected that I'd be somewhat comfortable with a lesser version of the effects that Nass had experienced. Unfortunately, the sage goddess has a mind of her own.
Nass was lying on the left hand side of the bed, and I was on the right. He stood in front of me and held the lighter, and I smoked the 30mg in one hit. As I held the smoke in I felt the familiar feeling of Salvia divinorum take effect.
I can remember Nass standing in front of me for a moment and watching, and thinking how I hoped he would move to the other side of the bed and that he wasn't going to just sit and watch me. It struck me how much every social interaction is intensified so greatly on Salvia divinorum. Usually I would have politely (or perhaps rudely) asked him to move out the way, but had I the ability to speak, which I knew I was fast losing, I just couldn't have bared to mention it.
Thankfully Nass moved to the other side of the bed, and I noticed red lines/circles in the room. This was about as much as I expected to happen, but then I saw, and was presumably blasted, down a sort of wormhole into salvia space.
The wormhole took on a cylindrical/tubular shape, and it consisted of two strands which vaguely resembled spaghetti, spiralling around each other. A voice; either telepathically or audibly, whether or not that even makes any difference, announced "*this* is what salvia is like".
Then I was suddenly back in the room, with the bed and the fucking HORROR of my new reality. My body was now made out of bits of my head, like some weird fucking jigsaw. Like parts of my head were all a part of me, and I think they kind of spread across the bed to Nass who was probably also made out of heads in the form of his body.
The voice announced "This is what the goddess experience is like".
As I heard this I had the vague idea of this being like some kind of corporate joke. For some reason I was reminded of Avatar, perhaps because that's a goddess film. I hate Avatar, it's ruined with Hollywood cliché. Perhaps I had the notion that my life was some kind of corrupt film, designed for some kind of amusement.
Evidently this was a shocking turn of events. I've got no idea if I knew that I'd smoked salvia, but it appeared as pretty much the same kind of reality prank which had given me PTSD, so there would be little relief in knowing. It was exactly what I didn't want to happen. All the heads seemed so compliant and there was a definite feeling of "this is just the way things are now".
Anybody who has been through something like this knows that it's fucking terrifying. You just think your life is fucked, irrefutably and as much as possible, for infinity.
I turned to Nass and from his account he gave me a reassuring smile. To me this smile was a sinister and silent admission of "yip, all your life was leading up to this. I was in on it all along. This is it, you're fucked. Gotcha!!!".
I can't remember why but I seemed to remember that this whole abomination ended around the window, so I fucking legged it. As I did so I could feel the heads kind of unpinning from me. Imagine pulling some floorboards up which have been stuck down with heavy duty pins, and the noise/feeling of them untacking with force. It felt and sounded like that. I have a vague recollection of the voices saying "ouch", "no, don't do that!!", "please, stop", "But I'm the cheek", etc, in a kind of weird, child like fashion.
They didn't appear to actually be me, just my head. For some reason they reminded me of the colour green, even though they were the colour of me, and I do happen not to be green. I think it's probably because I've been wearing a green jacket recently. I guess the salvia made the hue of my vision slightly more green than usual.
Anyway, as I made my way to the window I felt more and more of them untacking from my body. I can remember reaching the wall and knowing that I'd escaped mainly in one piece, because all these faces had kind of peeled off me. But I can remember wondering if some of them were still attached to my back etc, because I couldn't see.
At this point Nass came to the edge of the bed and kind of gently guided me back by the hand. Apparently I said "is that okay?" (as in, will I not be consumed by the human jigsaw). He said yes, and guided me back. I have the vague notion that I perceived him as some kind of sinister authority figure, and I was simply complying, but maybe there was some trust in there, or some hope of it at least. I can't remember but apparently I kept asking questions which were sort of along the lines of "is this real". I can remember sitting on the bed and asking if Nass was in on it, which he denied, to my relief. I can remember thinking that he was going to explain to me that he'd known about this all along. That it was meant to happen and that he would explain what I was to do next. What a fucking dark concept.
I picked up a cushion to check what it was (it must have been significant in the trip), and thankfully it was just a cushion.
At that point I was back but kind of sat contemplating the sheer horror, and the fact that I'd effectively been subdued to the prank scenario again; i.e, my greatest fear. I can remember wondering if I could handle this, and this was how I spent the short afterglow.
Thankfully I came to the conclusion that I can handle it. I've just confronted my biggest fear; and I came back. Smoking salvia wasn't some kind of event which made the rest of this reality irrelevant and disturbing, and me the one and only focus.
Now that I look back on it, I actually love what happened. What I saw was exactly the type of trippy weirdness that makes Alex Grey paintings worth looking at.
To think that I lived in fear all those years and it took experiencing it again to realise that I don't need to be scared of it any more.
That said, I'm glad I waited. I had to go through that trauma; I had to live it, and let it build and build until time eventually healed it.
Then once I had the courage, at the depths of my despair, I got my closure.
Until next time, Sally.
-----
18/April/2016:Addendum:I've had time to integrate the trip and have came a conclusion about the metaphor which was implied (as per the way in which Savlia divinorum works); the one regarding feeling a bit like a corporate joke but also a weird comparison with the fillm avatar which is a goddess/utopian/psychedelic film. I took this as a negative. Like the goddess experience was a corporate joke. Remember that Preceding the corporate joke/avatar thing she/salvia said: "This is what the goddess experience is like".
Now I believe that in infinite possibilities, i.e every thing, literally, that Salvia divinorum serves to highlight and facilitate this concept, to our species in a time of peril for our planet . There are two options:
We already live in corporate mainstream hell. It is clearly on the way to dystopia.
We have an alternative. A world like Avatar; a goddess culture. Not quite like the film. But us, here. Humans living on Earth (what a beautiful name). An advanced, evolved, progressive, sustainable, utopian psychedelic society.
Next time I meet the goddess I'm basically going to set my intention as, or even say to her if I get the choice "I choose utopia. Give me your hand.".
Otherwise people... just keep taking the blue pill.
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Thus, all learning and experience (the interpretation of our learning, for that is all experience really is) is the activity of bringing out what is immemorially lodged in our minds.
