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Death of spouse andf staying clean

Retired Trashcan

Retired Trashcan

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 29, 2014
Messages
159
Location
NWA - The Unnatural State
Hi, if these needs to be merged, I understand. I have been on BL for several years now, and am fairly clean at the moment. I do use low dose kratom as an alternative for methadone mantainance and Rx dose gabapentin for anxiety and cigs and coffee, but that's it. I am struggling with the death of my wife right now. She died last month unexpectedly, I woke up to her dead body in bad next to me. She was 3 years clean, but the damage done to her body from years of partying before caught up, and her heart stopped in her sleep. I am finding it hard to stay clean, even with 12 step meetings and grief counseling. The grief counselor really doesn't understand why I am having so much trouble staying clean, he and my friends at the 12 step all think I am dirty for using the kratom (methadone would be fine with them tho, go figure :? ). I know there are substances I could buy that would make me numb, and the pull is strong, but I am resisting. I thought I might get some unbiased support here at BL tho. Feel free to PM me, or answer me back on here. In terms of resources, I am in the mid-south, in the US TY RT%)
 
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I am sorry to hear about your wife. What happened to you is my biggest fear. I am pretty sure my hubby has sleep apnea and even though he has great benefits through his employer he doesn't go to the Doc. He has recently cut down on his drinking significantly but l still worry about his health. I understand how difficult it is to stay clean when you are grieving. A few years ago it was impossible for me because l was in such a shitty state mentally. My heart goes out to you. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for using Kratom, as far as l am concerned you are doing amazing for what you are dealing with.
Take care. Ruby
 
Ruby, thank you for your reply. I hope all goes well with your husband, he may change his mind one day and get help. People are funny that way. Just glad to find a safe place to talk and get support. I've loved BL for years; I lurked and got useful info for about 3 years, then I joined. BL can be a lifesaver for us addicts, society gets 'weird' when we talk about the stuff we go through around drugs and alcohol, BL much more understanding, whether a person is clean or using, and the fact there is Mental Health, Sober Living, Bereivement, and so on is great. And, as malaigned as it is, The Lounge is great too, we need a place to cut loose and be ourselves! =D (post 100)
 
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:( Oh my word, RT. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. You show such strength that is to be commended. Please don't go down the rabbit hole. Stick with the Kratom, if that is helping you. Your grief counselor should understand and support you. But then again, how can anyone understand if they have not experienced the horrific loss you have.

Listen in the distance...perhaps not so far away if you're in the mid-south...That sound you hear is the rustling of POM-POMS, as I cheer you on to victory. You can overcome the urge to use, but you need all the support you can muster. I'm here if you need to talk. I'd be happy to share my email through PM.

(((HUGS)))
 
DixiChik said:
Listen in the distance...perhaps not so far away if you're in the mid-south...That sound you hear is the rustling of POM-POMS, as I cheer you on to victory. You can overcome the urge to use, but you need all the support you can muster. I'm here if you need to talk. I'd be happy to share my email through PM.

(((HUGS)))
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Thank you. I'll listen for those POM-POM's! ;) My grief couselor is great in that he understands loss, has been through it, but doesn't understand that I'd rather use a botanical to relieve my chronic pain and stress instead of Rxs from a doctor. I even told him how addicting pharmacuticals are to me vs. Kratom, but we just had to 'agree to disagree'. I still get a lot from him, but it is a huge piece of my life that I can't discuss with him. But you all understand, and he wanted me to find a group of supportive people and here you are! RT

P. S. Any other forums y'all can recommend to me on here? (I'm active mostly in OD 'Other Drugs' discussion, but don't know my way around this part of BL as well. TY RT
 
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RT, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my partner to morphine and vodka in much the same way. Itt's always the risk you take when you join your lives, that you will be the one left behind.

That was over 5 years ago. There were times that life felt so empty, I would imagine what I could find to either fill it or numb myself to the loss. It DOES get better, though. It doesn't hurt quite as much and I think about it less frequently. One thing that helped is I recognized I had a future-and I needed to do something about it.

Maybe start along that path?
 
Tinker55 said:
RT, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my partner to morphine and vodka in much the same way. It's always the risk you take when you join your lives, that you will be the one left behind.

That was over 5 years ago. There were times that life felt so empty, I would imagine what I could find to either fill it or numb myself to the loss. It DOES get better, though. It doesn't hurt quite as much and I think about it less frequently. One thing that helped is I recognized I had a future-and I needed to do something about it.

Maybe start along that path?
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Thank you. I extend my condolences back to you Tinker55. My wife and I had talked about what to do if something happened to one of us, thankfully. It sucks that she got clean, just to die from the after effects of hard partying. :( But she died clean, a triumph for any of us. I am on the path with counselling and such, but talking to like minded people here helps a lot. Our relationship had been wonderful for several years now, n o regrets to resolve, other than dealing with the fact that even if you get clean, you may still have to pay the ultimate price down the road from using drugs. Meh. TY RT
 
First Im very sorry for your loss. Be strong, dont go down the rabbit hole. Had lost someone like that and went down the hole and didnt come out for 15 years. I know how it hurts. Cliche as it is, you know very well she wouldve be extremely proud and happy for you if you stay clean and carry on. Not stay in place grieving or worse. As they say, life is for the living.
For managing you probably know whats available, suboxone/subotex or what I like to suggest, morphine sulfate ER capsules if you really feel the pull. Methadone works for many but its hell to quit. Maybe also consider antidepr. like Zoloft. Regarding morp. sulfate ER capsules, some might say its too similar to H but In my experience its not at all. First of all, all my cravings go away on it, with a normal dose I stay clearheaded and not high and for me very important, I gain my weight back and keep it on. On H or other opiates I lose all my muscle mass and weight no matter how much I eat. But best is to stay as clean as possible.
And Id like to ask also something, can you tell anything else about the cause of the passing of your wife. Im asking because most of us are in similar waters and have done lots of damage. Can you be more specific about the damage? Heart, lungs?
thx and keep us posted how youre doing
 
placid space said:
And Id like to ask also something, can you tell anything else about the cause of the passing of your wife. Im asking because most of us are in similar waters and have done lots of damage. Can you be more specific about the damage? Heart, lungs?
thx and keep us posted how youre doing
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TY placid space. It was a heart issue from many years of speed and crack in the 90's and up to 2010. Diastolic dysfunction, not usually fatal, but unfortunately, some of the psych meds she had to take(Latuda in particular) can cause heart issues. But, without her meds, she didn't even know who she was (mania, psychosis, violence, and so on) and would have to be institutionalised. It was a known risk, but the mental health damage from drug abuse really only left two choices: take the drugs, knowing the risks, and lead a fairly normal life, or no meds and a terrible lif e in an institution. I loved her with all my heart and took care of her and loved her dearly every day of our last years together(after we both stopped partying wildly a few years back) I am holding up, this forum helps me sooo much. Oh, and the subs and methadone or the Morphine ERs, kratom keeps me OK with out the pull to use and get high, so I'll stick with what I have got. ;) You are welcome to PM me, as well as anyone else here who has support or advise, or even needs to share a story with me. I am very open, and helping others helps me! :) TY RT

P.S. My main problem is loneliness. I don't have a circle of friends, I am very introverted. My wife was my best friend, confidant, lover, someone who knew me, and loved my despite of my past. And it went both ways. People thought we were newlyweds, the way we were always hugs and kissing on each other, smiling, laughing, chattering to each other, all day, everyday. I have a big hole in my life right now, but I REFUSE to fill it with drugs and 'go down the rabbit hole'. We had an understanding, if something happened to one of us, drugging oneself to death was NOT the answer. Counselling and support are what we agreed on, and so I am here with you all. :) And in counselling, and clean. TY RT Thank you for caring, it made my day better, all of you who have written me.
 
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Oh RT,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am one of the lucky people like you who gets to be married to the love of my life. We've often pondered what one would do without the other. I can't begin to imagine the pain and empty space you must feel.

At least you had each other? I always wonder if that is comforting or not. But we're here! Come chat often. Do you have any hobbies? I'm just picking up photography again, to have something positive to focus on.

Best,
AnnaB
 
AnnaBanana333 said:
Oh RT,


At least you had each other? I always wonder if that is comforting or not. But we're here! Come chat often. Do you have any hobbies? I'm just picking up photography again, to have something positive to focus on.

Best,
AnnaB
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Yes, I do get bittersweet comfort that I had 15 years with my soulmate. We were happy to the end. Our last words were "I love you. Sweet dreams"

My new hobby is particapating in the forums here on TDS and OD mostly. I also am in college (at 40) cuz i dropped out due to drugs, and now I want edumacation, LOL. I was hard to stay in school really, but I have. Very understanding professors. They have worked with me thru all this. I am glad to be here. And thank you AnnaBanana333. Every person that offers me support is helping me get along. :)
 
I'm really sorry for your loss. From your posts I can see you are holding on.
When we have someone for so long and this happens it's important to have closure.
You are so 'blessed' for having said beautiful words as your last ones.
It's also very meaningful that she was sober and didn't leave you in the dark, so to speak.
Share your good memories, send positive vibes to her and most importantly, don't let yourself be carried away with thoughts of relapses.


I know you said you are under control but sometimes life surprises us. You and her must have gone through so much.
If this would have happened to me I think I 'd have to move away to prevent memories. Some people go crazy.
My point is, everyone has its own timing for suffering reason for which I'd suggest you'd see someone in case you feel lonely.
My hat is off to you for refusing methadone and taking it slowly. Should anything change make sure there's someone you can trust available. Therapy is a great thing during moments like this.
Wish you well. Take care.<3
 
I'm doing the counselling thing and going to start participating on the SL forum (at least they won't tell me I'm going to NA hell for using Kratom LOL) Thank you Erikmen. And yeah, life surprises us. I have relapsed before, so I know today is a gift. I might F.. up and relapse (hopefully not) and if that does happen, I will get up and dust myself off if I live. So I would rather not relapse, you know. My wife would kick my ass if I showed up in the afterlife with her and said "Ooops babe, I relapsed and died!" ;) TY RT
 
This isn't a bump. It seems I can share things realitively safely here, so I want to share this. Before my wife died, we were taking care of a very sick kitten (the vet expected her, the kitten, to die even). We were having to give the kitty IV fluids, 2 kinds of antibiotics and 1 other med, plus syringe food down her throat. Our kittens eyes, nose mouth and throat were severely infected, pus running down her whiskers, eyes sealed shut, oh God and the smell... Well, anyways, the kitty was still doing kinda bad, a little better when my wife passed. And I swear that some of my wife's spirit went into that cat. A few days later, it was completely healthy and.. this is the cool/spooky part. This cat HATED me. Now, it follows me around constantly purring and mewing and wanting my love. So, that's my happy story in all this. :D
 
Retired Trashcan said:
This isn't a bump. It seems I can share things realitively safely here, so I want to share this. Before my wife died, we were taking care of a very sick kitten (the vet expected her, the kitten, to die even). We were having to give the kitty IV fluids, 2 kinds of antibiotics and 1 other med, plus syringe food down her throat. Our kittens eyes, nose mouth and throat were severely infected, pus running down her whiskers, eyes sealed shut, oh God and the smell... Well, anyways, the kitty was still doing kinda bad, a little better when my wife passed. And I swear that some of my wife's spirit went into that cat. A few days later, it was completely healthy and.. this is the cool/spooky part. This cat HATED me. Now, it follows me around constantly purring and mewing and wanting my love. So, that's my happy story in all this. :D
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I don't know why, but this made me cry. I am so sorry for your loss, but so happy that your kitty is doing so much better. Stay strong RT!
 
I truly believe in spirits moving in and out of people, places, and things. I wouldn't be surprised if you see the love of your life in that sweet kitty's eyes. So glad you have the kitty to focus on and take care of. Plus, I just love kitties!
 
AnnaBanana333 said:
I truly believe in spirits moving in and out of people, places, and things. I wouldn't be surprised if you see the love of your life in that sweet kitty's eyes. So glad you have the kitty to focus on and take care of. Plus, I just love kitties!
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It's funny you should say that. I do see her love in my kitty's eyes. She stares at me so lovingly and purrs.

I took a big step today. I moved my wedding ring to my right hand. It hurt, but it felt like step forward, she would want that. I wear her ring around my neck with her 'religious talisman' so to speak.
 


If you watch this video, you'll see how I feel right now. I feel that I am on a journey in life to get back to my wife one day after I live right and proud. I know she is waiting to meet me halfway one day when God takes me home, and that everyday my journey takes me one step closer to being together for eternity.
 
I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my husband and it still don't seem right. It's the worst pain a person can go through. My heart still physically hurts when I think of him. I found him and tried so hard to make him come back but I couldn't The pain gets a bit easier but never goes away. I hope your doing better then me:)
take care and be strong
 
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