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My depression may lead to my death

sonicwhite

sonicwhite

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 8, 2012
Messages
2,433
Location
Oklahoma
I have had several pdocs I have been on all the SNRI and SSRI. None work I feel that if I have to keep going thru this that I may commit suicide. I'm tired of the nightmares. I'm tired of docs not taking me seriously. I just can't keep going thru one med after the other with no faith in them and know in my heart they will not work. I'm on the brink, have tried to get help, have tried psych wards and all that. It's like kicking the can down the road. I don't know what to do anymore. I have been in this funk for four and half years. I just don't think I can take it anymore.
 
i want to say something that could help, but i don't really know what to say.

i know that feeling of helplessness, that everything is going to stay the same and it won't get better, hurting myself because i'm causing myself all of this pain. its an experience of being isolated and alone, who can relate? and how could i relate to them anyway when i feel like i have no energy to give.

i think people that are sensitive to feeling their emotions, it can be easy to get stuck in a loop, of suffering. there is a lot of it around, so much hate and violence, it can be a task to not catch the bug.

how to change your habits and patterns of reacting to your thoughts and feelings. it starts with small steps, small steps in a positive direction. that could be a nice word to someone, hug a friend and tell them how much they mean to you, doing something that gets you out of your head, connects you to other peoples experience.

i often think of depression as a pair of really dark tinted sunglasses, until you take them off, you forget how much light there is outside, and also how temporary everything really is. it can be like starvation to not have those moments where you get a breath of fresh air, and that air tastes good!

if you are honest with yourself, and can start to take off little bits of armour that you surrounded to protect yourself during a traumatic time, when you felt really vulnerable and unsafe. you have all the answers, but it is a long and gradual road to freedom, the adventure is part of the delight though. i think you still have people that love you, and it might surprise you how much they care for you and want to help.
be well friend.
 
I'm really sorry you feel this way. I know what it's like, I've struggled with depression most of my life. I'm lucky that eventually I found an antidepressant that worked fairly well for me (cymbalta in my case). It didn't cure my depression but it did make it easier to cope with, toned it down.

Please dont give up, believe me I know how tempting it is, I tried to kill myself I was in such emotional despair when I was 20. I still struggle with depression and other mental illness today but I'm still glad I survived and I'm still glad to be alive. If id died id have missed so much. My mom had depression most of her life to which I unfortunately inherited from her. They tried everything, every drug, every talk therapy of the day, even electroshock. Around that time the first snris came to the market, and that cured her depression after everything else failed.

Ive struggled with depression and PTSD and unlike her I wasn't cured by snris. I instead wound up addicted to heroin. I still sometimes wish I were dead. I can't promise you your pain will end soon, but I can say you shouldn't give up, there is always hope, even if it sometimes seems so far away.
 
sonicwhite said:
I have had several pdocs I have been on all the SNRI and SSRI. None work I feel that if I have to keep going thru this that I may commit suicide. I'm tired of the nightmares. I'm tired of docs not taking me seriously. I just can't keep going thru one med after the other with no faith in them and know in my heart they will not work. I'm on the brink, have tried to get help, have tried psych wards and all that. It's like kicking the can down the road. I don't know what to do anymore. I have been in this funk for four and half years. I just don't think I can take it anymore.
Click to expand...

Have you tried Ayahuasca? Ketamine? Mushrooms? Mescaline-containing cacti? MDMA? These things have been studied (and proven) for their long-term efficacy on major depression. Trying all the SNRI's and SSRI's for depression is like saying that you've tried to scrub your food-encrusted cast iron pan with all the tissues and paper towels you could find. There is literature coming out recently against these pharmaceuticals, showing how results were twisted, tainted by moneyed interests, etc. Why not try something more powerful?

And before harm reduction people get on my case, this IS harm reduction. These things help people. And for someone who sees death as close by because he's exhausted all his options, it would behoove us to show him that SNRI's and SSRI's are not the only options. Thank you.
 
I am so sorry you are going through this - I can relate to the frustration and the chronic depression. I have totally lost faith in the mental health field, as they have only exacerbated my issues as they fed me benzos for a decade and the on again off again dart throwing that is trying different antidepressants. I have tried a slew of SSRIs and SNRIs and feel they have changed me for the worse, and they didn't help. Are you currently taking any medication, and if yes, what are you taking? When was the last time you took an antidepressant? Are you currently taking any substances recreationally?
 
My issue is I get gabapentin and I abuse it. Falling from a high dose will make you depressed but also Zoloft and Prozac where the only AD that works. I just started Prozac again after nine years. I'm hoping it gets me out of my negative head and also I want to talk to my doc about reducing the gabapentin and get off of it completely. It doesn't help anything. It just makes me want to abuse it. Another thing is I'm on klonopin which can make a already depressed person worse. I have OCD with panic disorder. And I noticed when I stopped the Paxil a few weeks ago my OCD started to come back. I was like I can't believe I thought for almost ten years I beat OCD but na, it was the SSRI. So just waiting for the Prozac to work. It worked very fast last time. So I may get the same results or may not. But i def think it will work. I'm on two mg of risperdal for psychosis 3200 mg of gabapentin a day Effexor XR 75 seroquel 100 mg Remeron 45 and prazosin four mg for nightmares. I have many Dx's but where still trying to figure things out.
 
I feel u brother/sister. I've been in the same boat for the past 6 years.

I wish I had something I could tell you that could help, but I dont. When you're at that point, there's nothing ANYONE can tell you.

I guess I'll just ask do u WANT to get "better"? Or are you just at the point you're looking for medication/therapy/counseling to kind of get you through? Only reason I ask is because after trying so many times for years to try and get to a better mental state, Idk if I'll EVER get better. But that's just me.

One suggestion I have though is really, dont abruptly stop taking any of the meds you're on. It sends you into some kind of serotonin crash and it's really shitty.
 
I believe there is help for you. You kinda have to have faith there is. I do want the therapy/psych help and medication because I had a psychosis back in 05 so I know I have a underling condition. Also I would assume that you have tried everything and feel that there is no more road? Do you do drugs of any kind Bigsammy610? Why I ask is I'm going to tell the doctors to take me off the gabapentin. It's too tempting. I can't just resist. I get so high from it. Almost like a cocaine rush but smoother and no come down. It does have a tolerance issue but I really need to get off of this. Please contact me if you need to talk. I know it's a rough road and I'm just thankful I snapped out of the suicidle thinking for now.
 
Once again I popped more then prescribed and I'm high, happy and mellow. But, this is all fake. Like I said above I'm kicking the can down the road. I'm going to have my problems rush in my head when the rubber meats the road. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of being addicted to something that isn't even really addictive. But it's sure not placebo that I feel. I'm going to tell my doc I'm done with this med.
 
Wow I had no idea GP was addictive. Interesting u brought that up because I was talking about maybe trying it out with my subutex dr. For my restless limbs syndrome. But your posts are giving me second thoughts... Then again, is it really more addictive than bupe?

I haven't tried EVERYTHING though. I don't think my problems can be solved with any more pills. At least, none that my dr would prescribe me lol. Wtf kind of psychosis did u have sonic?
 
Meth induced but I was on x oxy meth shrooms weed hydrocodne and so much other crap. I mean I literally fried my Brian because I had access to so many drugs at the time.
 
Holy shit! Yeah that'll do it to your brain. I feel like I've definitely done some irreversible damage to mine. Mostly from acid and heroin I'd say. Cocaine will really fuck up your dopamine receptors too.

Are you using anything now other than your prescribed meds?
 
I got some IPH coming in two days and that's the last I'm doing of the RC GAME, and I take kratom. That's about it. If I smoke bud it throws me into what feels like a bad acid trip and so I really don't have much to work with unless it was hardcore drugs like H or something alike.
 
Yeah weed trips me out so much anymore! It literally feels like I'm going into an acid trip!

Wtf is IPH tho? Heroin is great but until it becomes legal I don't think it's worth the bullshit. It did pretty much stop me from suicide for 2 years tho...
 
Using to cover pain ONKY causes more pain. Then you sober up and it's still there. Please don't go the route I did. I'm in my 30's and brought back 22 year olds from overseas with their families waiting to see the casket off the hurc. Also lost my husband. As low as you feel stopping your pain only puts more pain on your loved ones
If you ever need to talk/vent pm me
We are lucky to be alive no matter how bad it seems
 
Sonic, it sounds like you've tried a lot of options to try to get well. That's fantastic and you should be proud of that. A lot of people give up even trying to help themselves. So you've got a self-preservation instinct that is valuable. I'm not saying that to blow smoke up your ass... obviously you can and do still feel terrible. I just mention it in light of my next suggestion...

In your history of psychiatric care, have you ever had a really good experience with a shrink (psychiatrist, social worker, whatever)? Have you ever had one where things clicked?

I ask b/c one thing that tends to get overlooked (especially in US healthcare, given insurance and whatnot) is that a deeply helpful experience with a shrink really needs to be built on a productive relationship. I've seen so many fucking shrinks in my life and none of them but two ever helped me towards getting well, and really just one of them helped me make big strides. (I'm still plenty fucked up, mind you...but not dead as I otherwise would have been).

When you're depressed, scouring the earth for the right shrink is about the last thing you want to do. And sometimes medical realities just won't allow it. But if you can make yourself do it, find a shrink who you respect and who understands and respects you, or at least wants to. All the meds you're on sound like they are surely helping, and I encourage you to keep working on the pharmaceutical side of things. But for really awful depression, I think that really deep therapy can be incredibly helpful. Unfortunately, finding someone with whom you can do that kind of therapy is hard.

Keep looking. And keep writing. We're listening and sending you our best.
 
Hi sonic. First of all youre still with us so that positive. I said what you said the other day so im really weirded out. I feel like im kicking a can down the road. I have nasty bipolar 1 depression and i have a great dr and im on meds that balance me but lately i feel like dying. My life is just shit. Ive made 2 attempts. First was more of a drunken stupidity but second one almost worked. They said they lost me briefly but i have no recollection but i woke up in a hospital bed and was upset i was still alive. Somehow i got to ER that night and they brought me back in the trauma room. I talked to tons of drs and councelerrs and just so sad. I feel like that again but i have a 10 yr old daughter who is my life. She lives far away so its hard but she saves my life everyday. Meds and shrinks are saftey nets and they can be helpful but ultimatly that fire of life has to be lit in us for us to feel better. Sounds like were in the same boat. Cant live and cant die

Ive taken thousands of mg of gabapentin and never got high. Thats something. I didnt read what else you were on. Im on Latuda 80mg and Lithium 1200mg. Like i said, it helps to a certain point but not really. I hallucinate if im not on meds so they had me labeled schizophrenic for years. But i talked to a specialist from Austria and he said i was in fact bipolar 1 with phcosis. Im like whatever i just wanna feel better. I have a history of substance abuse of course. I still kinda battle that a bit. I also have medical problems and a dreaded ostomy bag which i hate and lately its getting to the point where i cant take it anymore. I take kolonopin and hydroxizine for wicked panic attacks. They really work great and ive needed them a lot past few weeks. Im 40 and alone and my life is in the shitter and you can try to spin positivity out of it but its in the shitter, period. I came very close the other night cause i promised myself if i ever wanna take my life again im doing it right and just one glance of my daughters pic chilled me out. I want people to understand what sonic and i feel is umbearably tough to deal with. For me all motivation is lost so going dr hunting or trying med after med seems improbable. I will say my dr and my meds help but they in no way improve the quality of my life. I fear i will be this miserable forever. Are you scared sonic? Strangey im not. Im a lot of things but scared isnt one of them. Im scared my ex is gonna have to tell my daughter her daddy is dead. We just lost my mom 4 months ago so suicide would rip my family apart. Anyway, i wanted to tell you about myself and how i feel and our situations are different but were both just kicking the can down the road. Please hang in there and feel free to message me anytime you want to. You are not alone, i promise you that....ok? Feel free to ask me anything youd like. Take care and be gentle to yourself?
 
sonicwhite said:
My issue is I get gabapentin and I abuse it. Falling from a high dose will make you depressed but also Zoloft and Prozac where the only AD that works. I just started Prozac again after nine years. I'm hoping it gets me out of my negative head and also I want to talk to my doc about reducing the gabapentin and get off of it completely. It doesn't help anything. It just makes me want to abuse it. Another thing is I'm on klonopin which can make a already depressed person worse. I have OCD with panic disorder. And I noticed when I stopped the Paxil a few weeks ago my OCD started to come back. I was like I can't believe I thought for almost ten years I beat OCD but na, it was the SSRI. So just waiting for the Prozac to work. It worked very fast last time. So I may get the same results or may not. But i def think it will work. I'm on two mg of risperdal for psychosis 3200 mg of gabapentin a day Effexor XR 75 seroquel 100 mg Remeron 45 and prazosin four mg for nightmares. I have many Dx's but where still trying to figure things out.
Click to expand...

sounds a lot like me in regards to the gabaoentin. I too, abuse it as I was given a total of 120 300mg caps. I take about 2100mg at a time and feel nice for about two days in a row then I notice I can't feel it any more. So naturally I take a tolerance break but damn that first day or two after a heavy binge is just a sad depressive state on top of the depression I already have its a mess. Plus the anxiety of wanting to use dope in that time period as I'm a recovering heroin addict 6 weeks clean
 
Thanks everyone who chimed in. The Prozac is kinda working and I'm not over doing the gabapentin. I take a little kratom to lift my mood. Nothing like a opiate high it just takes me out of the depression. I have to start taking everything right so I can know if the Prozac is working even tho I can tell a great difference in my OCD my depression is still there.
 
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